Some Advice Please..

Hi C.,

I too am sorry for the struggles you are going through right now and my heart goes out to you. You have received some great advice from the terrific women in this forum and the only thing that I would add that may help with your anxieties is to pray to God and turn it all over to Him. Believe it or not, He loves you very much and you do not have to carry these burdens...let Him carry it for you. When we surrender everything to Him, we are filled with a peace beyond all understanding as we know that He is on the throne and in control. So, my only advice to you is surrender it all, turn your whole life over to God. Turn over your fears, your anger, your resentment, your bitterness, everything; and trust that God will provide for your every need. I hope this helps in some way C. and I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,
C.

Of course he doesn't want custody, he just wants to upset you. The more upset you appear, the more he will do it. Try to act cool. When he threatens to take her, say something inane like "well, I guess you know best."(Try not to sound sarcastic, but sincere. It will throw him.) When he calls you "stupid" or the like, say "yes I must be incredibly stupid to have put myself in this situation". If he suggests that he is the better parent, give him the old "Well, I guess you know best!" routine. Smile and move on. As for court, try to tell it like it is. Judges don't like hysterical, crying moms. If at all possible, get a tiny tape recorder and have a record of some of the things he says that will work against him. I did that. My ex picked up my son for a 2 week vacation and when I asked him to tell me where they would be, he refused. I gave a transcript to the Judge who said that I shouldn't have allowed him to take him away. Of course, my son wanted to go (to Alaska!) so I couldn't do that, but it did show the judge what kind of a man he was, and that helped next time. NEVER say anything he can tape that will make you sound like an incompetent mother. Start collecting written "proof" of what a good mom you have been to your older daughter (report card with notes from teachers on them, awards (even silly ones), religious school attendance proof, even corny photos, etc Above all, don't trust your own lawyer. They are all thieves. Get all the paper work you need together yourself. Bring all proof with you if you go to court. Just a quick irrelevant piece of info: .when my son was young I did not allow any gun play. Once he returned from a weekend with his father carrying a HUGE machine gun. As my mouth dropped open, he (age 7!!!) said "don't let him see you look upset Mom, he only gave it to me to upset you" I ignored the gun, smiled and kissed him hello,. When we got in the house, my son went to the kitchen garbage pail and threw the gun away. We never mentioned it again, but I learned a lot. Do the right thing yourself, and your kids will see the difference. Don't complain about their father, just do what you can to be the best you can be.My ex was a lawyer, and he used my son as a whip to hurt me with throughout. My son is a very good, generous person who is NOTHING like his father but loves him and gets along with him now that he is grown. He does know what kind of character his father has, but gets past it. I wonder if your abusive boy friends mother is going to be the child's "mother" if he gets custody? You would do well to set up some warm communication with her. Send her a photo of the baby addressed to "Grandma" for mothers day or something. It won't help you to have his mom hate you. If you want to talk, e-mail me and I'll give you my phone number. Good luck!

Firstly, love your daughter's name! My almost 3 year old is Annabelle as well.

Now, about that man...in an analytical frame of mind, he has to PROVE the lies he's making up about you. Him making stuff up and being unable to back it up is a testament to his character, and you need to be sure the court knows that.
Please tell the babysitter that you mean her no harm and are not threatening her, however she can be arrested for taking the child to his house if you have not approved of it, and it is considered kidnapping in many states for a nanny to turn a child in a known custody battle over to the non-custodial parent.

Just keep your nose clean, gather a wealth of people who would be willing and able to attest to your character as a person and your love for your children, and get written statements from them. You say you are previously married, if your ex would be willing to write something on your behalf in regards to your ability to parent, it would speak volumes. Bring your 10 year old to court (provided he/she knows how to behave in such a situation) and don't feel guilty about making a bit of a show about how good you are with your children. Again, he has to PROVE there's a reason to take the child away from you, and if he doesn't have something substanial, he won't win.

Chin up, nose clean, enjoy your kids!

Good luck!

C.,

Keep a log of the dates and times if possible that you are given info from the day care person and for yourself of his attempts to contact or actual contacts w/ you and your daughters. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Manage it as you do your job- being an office manager gives you some skills to manage this situation. See it as something that will pass as it will but don't give up-- when you feel you are too exhaused to deal w/ it- give yourself space and a time out. Stay w/ family and friends if you need too. Mini breaks and prayer. Do things whatever you can to give yourself rest and strength. WHen you do you can stare this in the face when you need too. Keep your log/notebook including all/any messages (taped voicemail email, letters or notes he sends etc...as proof-evidence) in your safekeeping- a small safe deposit box in the bank perhaps.
Your family and friends, coworkers or boss(es) if supportive ask them to be present in person and/or writting letters if possible and necessary for you in court. He may have money but you can see that with your steadfast determination and SUPPORTS- public presence from others for you in court-- this weighs out.
Also, do you have an agency- a domestic violence agency working alongside you? Most courts happen to have such agencies-- they can be an incredible resource! If you would like a referral- resource, I can send you some names of agencies. I am a social worker and worked out of family court in NYC some years ago.
Best to You and your girls!! You can do it!
Right Makes Might!
C. M

C.,

Congratulations. I've never had any experience with an abusive relationship and can even immagine what your going thru. I've heard that making a decission to leave the relationship can be extremely difficult.

Have you thought about calling a hot line or a shelter that specializes in this area? I realize that you have the support of a loving family, however, the people who work and volunteer at these programs have special trainging and connections and can provide support and advise.

The only bit of advise I can offer is to document everything. If he makes a threat to the babysitter, write down the date and time and exactly what happened, it'll help you in court.

God bless and best of luck to you.

Hi C.,

I not only have been through a divorce and custody battle of sorts, but I am an attorney and used to represent women going through similar situations. Yours is unfortunately all too common. The fact that you have temporary custody is a good sign. If there were anything that jumped out at the judge as a red flag, you would have had to jump through some hoops to retain temporary custody. Also, the fact that you have a 10-year old daughter that lives with you is another factor that the court will likely take into consideration.

One question I have: Does the restraining order prohibit your ex boyfriend from contacting the babysitter or going to the babysitter's residence? (If the babysitter watches your daughter at your house, then he is already prohibited from showing up there, and you need to call the police and have him arrested for violating the restraining order if he does show up there). If the restraining order does not prohibit him from contacting the babysitter, you might want to consider making a motion to modify the restraining order, as long as the babysitter is willing to testify about your ex boyfriend's behavior.

Does he have visitation with the baby? Is it supervised? If you have any concrete indications that the baby may not be safe with him, then you may want to see what you can do to restrict his visits to supervised visitation. If you go that route, I would suggest you do all you can to avoid his mother being the one that supervises visits. That is usually as bad as unsupervised visits.

The other advice you have gotten from the others who have responded is good. The bottom line is hang in there, hold your head up high and, as the saying goes "keep your eye on the prize". In other words, don't let him distract you with his tactics---because that's all they are. As long as you stay focused and hold on til you reach the finish line, you will do just fine!

Good luck, and please let us know how you're doing.

J.

Keep doing exactly what you are doing! You are amazing! It takes enormous courage to do what you're doing. Your ex can say anything he wants, but that doesn't mean a judge is going to buy it. Keep communicating with your lawyer, keep showing your gratitude to your dad, and keep giving big love to both of your kids. And keep getting up and going to work- it's a sign of strength and stability, and the judge will appreciate that! (Of course you know that, but I can't even imagine how hard this has been on you!)

It takes a lot more than that jerk has, in order to convince a judge to take a mama's kids away. Have faith, and stay the strong, awesome woman you are!

You are doing everything right. I can't imagine how tough this must be for you but hang in there! Since you are her mother, you don't have any police record and you have a full time job, chances are very good that you will win the case. It's good that you filed for the order of protection. Keep a detailed record of every threatening or abusive thing that your ex does. Save all phone messages and even look into a way to record your phone conversations with him. Find out what he is saying about you and get some evidence to prove that what he says is wrong, whether through a witness (like your babysitter, who should definitely testify in court if possible), or another source. Document everything you can. And any time he does something threatening or abusive, call your local police department and report it (not 911 unless it's truly an emergency). You can also call child protective services to report it too. This way, even if the police do nothing, you still have a record of it filed. Good luck with everything and keep leaning on your friends and family for support. You are not alone and as long as you stay strong and tell the truth and don't let him intimidate you, you will be fine.

C.,
Since his mother has money and she seems to be the driving force behind him you can demand a Pyschological Evaluation at his expense. There you can tell the Psych. about her comments, about the baby being hers, his abusive comments to the children. The Psych will want to meet with the children and at 10yrs old she can paint a pretty good description about the kind of father-figure he is - NOT! Let her know that she will be talking to someone who needs this information to help you, to be open and honest - just don't prompt her! Keep communication with him traceable - such as email. Obviously you have access to email and I'm assuming he does too. Email can be used in court unlike recordings. Anything threatening to you, the sitter, or the girls can be used against him. When he calls the sitter threatening her, send him an email telling him to stop contact with the sitter. This will probably get him to react, which is what you need! Just don't try to intentiionally provoke him or let on to him what you are up to - he'll shut down which will make it harder to catch him screwing up. Best of luck and hang in there!

Hi C.,
You are doing all of the right things, don't give up hope. Do not allow him to control your life even when you are no longer in that relationship. Some advice for you, document everything. Start a journal and document every conversation, every threat, everything. And two as hard as this maybe this is not the time to lose hope because the courts want to see how active you are with your child and they are going to want to speak to other people in your child's life, like the babysitter or church leader or any activities that you may have your child in. They may also want to speak to your daughter's doctor so keep a good relationship with him/her. When you go to court bring pictures of your baby with her big sister because believe it or not your oldest is also a big part of your baby's life.
Good luck, I'm sure you'll do fine because you sound like you love your daughters a great deal. And you love them enough to get out of a situation that would potentially damage them too.

I am glad that you were able to leave the relationship which is the harderst part. Have you received any services from a doemstic violence program? I am not sure where you live but Safe Horizon has offices in all boroughs and provide comprehensive services to woman in abusive relationships. There are also legal centers that specialize in these types of cases. I worked there for years and they can help.

Please hang in there and do not give up. Stay strong and get as much help as you can.

Sorry you have to go through this....

Make sure everytime he threatens your baby sitter, she reports it to the police and make sure your lawyer knows each time as well...the police might tell you & your sitter they can't do anything about it but tell them you want it on record with them just the same.. The fact is unless he takes action on his threats or doesn't abide by the order of protection, they can't do anything...unfortunately

Does he drink heavily, do drugs or have a police record??If so, tell your lawyer and get proof of this for the judge to see when you go to court. Is there anyone else you know he has had a relationship with that he badly abused who would witness his behavors?

Have you talked to another lawyer for a second opinion...if you feel your lawyer isn't doing enough, you should.

He can lie and say what he wants about you but he has to prove those things are true. I tend to think if he can not prove you are an incompetent mother he wont get custody but will only get visitation rights with or without visitation with supervision.. And if he doesn't get visitation rights, his Mom can as she is the grandma... Make sure your lawyer knows everything about you so there are NO surprises when you are all in court.

Maybe it would help you if you make a list of questions and concerns and go over them with your lawyer. He should be able to explain things to you to make you feel more comfortable about your case...

In the mean time breath...take walks, exercise, which is a good way to re-direct your energy, frustrations and fears. Focus on your work, your baby.....Be good to yourself and work on keeping your spirits up as you don't want to run yourself down.

Good luck and keep us posted....

please please please keep fighting for you and your daughters! not enough people stand up for themselves and do the right thing. talk to the people at the courts - there should be an advocate there to help steer you in a direction where you can get more assistance.
best of luck, stay strong!

C.--first i honor your brave decision to leave your abusive relationship. i hear you doubting and questioning yourself. remember you are a good mother and a strong and competent woman. since your are gainfully employed, have a roof over your head and have a 10 year-old child that you have raised, your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of ground to stand on. make sure you document everything, including calls to the police or any organizations you have contacted for help (such as programs for battered women). the order of protection is important. glad u got it. it shows your intention and desire to keep you and your daughters safe. as for you, personally, i want to say that you have done and are doing such a wonderful powerful job. your actions are an example of what a woman can and will do to keep her family safe. i'm glad you have a network of family and friends. don't be afraid or ashamed to lean on them too much. i know they are there for you. they will stand with you.
do you have any proof of his threats against your
babysitter? we can't do anything about his mother's money and her intention to protect her son from being an honest,
responsible man and father. remember you are not alone. keep the faith. if you are as religious or spiritual woman, now is the time to employ prayer, meditation, visualization. if you are a church member or you have a friend who is, get other people praying for a good outcome in this situation.
anxiety stoppers: stand still and breathe deeply, letting it out slowly and completely. keep a good thought--like thed serenity prayer, lord's prayer or an affirmation in mind and when you feel yourself sinking, say it, once or 10 times if need be! you have my love and prayers and i see you and your daughters as healthy, peaceful and at ease. remember, C., all is well.

First of all, I applaud you for getting out of the relationship. Not many women ever leave.
Secondly, try to remain calm as far as the custody issue goes. I don't think there are many judges in this country who would take your daughter from you unless he can absolutely PROVE you've been neglecting/abusing her. Which is sounds like you're a wonderful mother by exiting the relationship for the safety concerns of all of you.
I wish I could say more to help! Be proud of yourself for taking such wonderful care of your family and for caring about your childrens safety.
Lots of luck to you,
Lynsey

C.,
SO sorry you are dealing with this. You are an incredible mom, your love for your daughter is evident considering all you are enduring to help her.

My friend went through this same situation. She contacted a local organization for abused women for help. They have funds for auxillary services. Through this, they set her up with a lawyer who helped her with custody and divorce cases. And, they set up counseling for her and her daughter. She was able to use her hard earned money for other things like clothes, food, etc. Hopefully there is one in your area that can do the same.

Good luck and hang in there.

Hi - I have been there. Do not let him scare you - that gives him more power. You can get free counseling for domestic violence which can help you through this process. Look in the community pages of your phone book. Fight for yourself and your kids. Do not give up! You are doing the right thing by getting away from him.

I am going to tell you what a friend of mine in your situation had to do. That started to keep a daily journal of her life. So everything that might occur with your ex boyfriend is record in black and white. If he keeps on going to your babysitters she can keep on calling the police . The police really dont like to be bothered so after awhile they will do something. He is harassing your babysitter. She should not have to put up with anything other then taking care of your daughter. He is distracting her from her job.
I cant express the fact of keeping a record of what monies he may give you , how many times he has seen his daughter before the custody battle, his treatment of you who is the mother of a precious baby. I could go on and opn but I think you might have gotten some idea of what I mean. Some times having things in black and white can win a fight.

I'm not sure what are of NJ you live in but you should contact the Legal Aid Clinics of Rutgers School of Law or Sethon Hall School of Law. Depending on your income you may be able to get free legal representation and very effective representation from the attorneys there who are also law profesors. I think that the number for the Clinic in Newark is ###-###-####. Good Luck

Hi C., I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. I just pray for you and your daughter and hope that you can stay strong. Don't give up and document EVERYTHING! Just continue to be the best mother you can to your children and everything else will work itself out. Don't go back, move forward!!

You asked about the anxiety. Please learn to do EFT. It's very simple and will wipe out feelings of anxiety very quickly, in a few minutes time. The directions are on www. emofree.com. Search the site for anxiety to get some ideas too.

Wear a nice suit and look professional and self confident in the courtroom and like the other moms said, get evidence against him. You can do it!

Keep us posted please.

This is a very good resource for you to contact.
http://www.verahouse.org/ifithappenstoyou/dvvictims.htm
They can help you get a lawyer and prepare a case. I also applaud you for having the guts to leave. Dont feel guilty about falling into the relationship in the first place. These men can be very charming at first, until they can gain control. You say you have a restraining order and yet he contacts the baby sitter. How does he do this and does she bring the baby to him? You need to write everything down in a journal, including dates and exact times he calls or comes to the baby sitters.
Most importantly contact the Vera House and good luck.