So What Would You Do?

I'd tell her that she's welcome to write you a letter about it, but that you have grown weary of her shenanigans.

By the way, any chance she's ever been tested for ADD?

Act like you aren't angry when you meet with her. Inside, you have already called it quits. But, for the sake of family, put on an act. I'm estranged from my sisters. We all are too BIG to say I'm sorry and discuss the rift. So, we are all suffering in that pride.

Well, you know you can't change her.
All you can change is your own behavior.

Sooooo...if it was ME? I'd listen to her story, her excuses, her explanations, maybe even an apology and then resolve, deep down in the deepest cells of my being, that I would never allow myself to get dragged I to her hair brained ideas again.

You can tell her that. OR you can know it, then act accordingly.
Good luck!

You are all adults responsible only for your own lives. Tell your mom that this is between you and your sister. Tell your sister, if she asks again, that she is an adult and that you're not interested in her explanations. What's done is done. Then treat her with love while not investing emotionally or financially in her life.

Know that as an adult she carries sole responsibility for her decisions and actions. Stop bailing her out. Why did you give her a stag party? Let her feel the consequences of not having a party because her friends opted out. I would not have let the boyfriend stay. Actually I wouldn't have agreed to them staying in the first place.

When you and your mother protect her she doesn't feel the pain of her poor choices. We have to feel the consequences to learn different behavior. Not listening to her explanation is allowing her to feel the consequences. Her asking to explain indicates she knows she did wrong but it also means that she sees you as someone who has power over you. She's opted you and your mother into the role of being responsible for you. You are not!

I suggest you read about co-dependency and how to get out of it. Also learn about boundaries. I suggest that both your mother and sister are crossing healthy boundaries with you. It's time to make clear what your boundaries are. This means you have to decide where your boundaries are. I suggest one good boundary would to not feel responsible for your mother's and your sister's happiness. Counseling would help you do this.

Ever hear the expression "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? Well, you are on at least the 3rd or 4th time, right? You know how she is, and you did this anyway.

So, what to do? You accept that she's a flake (you can still love her as your sister at the same time that you accept her imperfections), and never volunteer to do anything like this again.

"Next time we see each other, sis, you can tell me all about it."

Don't make a special date.

She burned the last plank on the bridge. You can love your sister from afar. But you are done literally done helping her. She can find her own way.

All she has done is bring heartache to the whole family with her dramas. It is time to grown up and own your actions.

Tell mom thanks but no thanks. When you see her at a gathering you will speak and be cordial but otherwise you are done with her.

What's that saying about expecting a different result doing the same thing over and over? Well you now have done it several times. With no new results. Time to move on. Life is too short for all this.

the other S.

How frustrating!

In this particular case, I do not really feel she owes you an explanation, so that is what I would probably say to her and to your mom. It is her life, and if she feels like the job you helped her get was not for her, that IS understandable. It would be awful to stick with a job you absolutely hated just so your sister could save face, ya know? So, I would probably just say, "Mom, she really owes me no explanation if the job did not work out. But of course, Mary can call me if she needs to; there is no need for you to arrange a conversation for us!" Which nicely tells your mom to butt out. I WOULD keep it to a phone conversation, though. I think there is less chance for drama and you can keep it short and sweet and move on with your day. I would be annoyed with a lengthy explanation from her. Do your best to just say something along the lines of, "I am sorry it did not work out and hope you are able to find something that works better for you. You do not owe me an explanation.".

BUT this really would be the end of helping her in any way that puts me out, if I were you. Helping by taking her a meal if she is sick, that kind of thing, sure. But no more putting yourself out there to where you are out thousands of dollars, tons of time and putting your reputation on the line to vouch for her, right?

Good luck!

I have a friend who teaches in Saudi and loves it. I would listen to her story, she is still your sister after all, but I would not commit myself to things on her behalf any longer. Sometimes you have to just accept people for who they are, because chances are they are not going to change.

With my own sister I had to accept a lot of things that used to push me away about her personality so we could start to grow closer. Neither of us has changed, we have just learned to judge each other less.

Say "no." That would be an excellent start.

No, don't do anything any more.
Don't get together.
Don't listen to them "explain".
Let it go. Let them go.

Set boundaries for yourself or they will continue to run your life.
Just say no.

Tell mom that you really aren't interested in why anything happened. Tell her that you and your siblings are all grown ups now and get to decide what you will and will not do. Tell mom that if your sister wants to talk to you she can pick up the phone and call because you have more important things to do than to sit down with her and talk about her life.

Let her talk, but never get involved with plans and travel again with her. You don't even have to tell her that as you hear her out...just know you are done with it. If you plan something with the family, make sure you are prepared in case she decides to run again. Depend on those who actually follow through and stick to lunch or low key events with sis.

Just to keep peace in the family, I would listen but then that would be the last thing I do with her. After listening then it would be your turn to "explain" to both your mom and your sister that that was the last straw. Put your foot down and be firm in telling them not to ask/beg you for anything else. Then stay strong and the next time she calls, you tell her.....are you ready.... repeat after me...NO!!!

Good luck!!

Stop listening to your mother. You aren't your sister's keeper. Establish boundaries for both of them. For heaven's sake, don't get sucked into her drama anymore.

I wouldn't care about her excuses either, if I were you.

I agree with Max L. Start working at home.

No, wait.

Yeah, I agree with those saying you will not help anymore and that, while no explanation is necessary or welcome, you are through helping and please don't ask for another thing. You don't need to sever ties, but you do need to stand firm. Good luck.

You can go back through my profile and see....I have a pretty wretched brother.
I don't like him at all. I "say" that I love him cuz we are blood, but I am not even sure of THAT anymore.
We don't really speak.
Life is much calmer!
L.

i had an older half sister like that, she pulled my hair at my first husbands funeral..and you thought your sister was "ethically challenged"! notice how i said."HAD"..after the hair pulling incident at a funeral, i got into the mother of all screaming matches with her when she called me the next day, in complete denial that she did something HORRID! i informed her that if she ever showed up at an official family function, wedding, funeral, whatever..and she wasnt already dead..i would be calling the police to have her removed, in chains if necessary. its now been 11 long, and quite peaceful years since i have to deal with the drama that is the life of my half sister..tell your mother, sorry , but, if she shows up at my house i am calling the police, she isnt my problem anymore . K. h.

I would listen to her story just for the pure entertainment value. I would let her know that this was the last straw with me helping her. I understand that she shouldn't be expected to stay long term with a job that she hated. However, it really doesn't appear that she gave this one much of a chance if she only lasted a month.

Tell your Mom that you wish your sister the best, but she needs to be responsible and own her actions. You essentially vouched for her in this instance and she made a fool out of you and tarnished your reputation.

My sister is currently teaching in Turkey & LOVES it. Your sister sounds just like a teacher she was teaching with who was Drama personified until she up & quit. Just up & went back to the states. She then had the nerve to demand payment for the 18 mos left on her contract They had a BOATLOAD of evidence of her unprofessional-ism & they used it to NOT pay her. Her behavior reflects badly on any American teachers that they might consider in the future. Overseas teaching positions can be great. They can also be really a lot harder than you can image, until you are there. Definitely not for everyone.

So--YOU helped her get this job. Your sister's irresponsible & unprofessional behavior will probably cause YOU trouble in the future. THAT is what you NEED to tell your Mom. And if your Mom is like my Mom, you will have to be really blunt, really forceful--so that she will actually hear you.

Yeah, she's your sister, your blood, you love her & all that--but your mom needs to see that she is enabling sisters flakiness. And it's just not about parties & weddings, etc. Depending on how you helped her get this job, it will effect your reputation. It could compromise YOUR connections.

Me, I'd say see you at Christmas--or not--& move on. Some people just aren't happy unless they cause drama & strife ALL around them. Disengage from her dramas. Your mom can't MAKE you do anything now, you are an adult.

My husband hasn't spoken to our BIL, his sister's husband in 12+ yrs. BIL is a "spoon", LIVES to stir *hit. Twelve yrs ago, while staying with us for a big family reunion, he needled & needled, but we didn't bite. Until he said, while I was nursing our youngest baby on the couch, that pedophilia was OK, since your children are your property! NOT making this up! He doesn't even believe that, but he HAS to offend someone--he just isn't happy until he makes trouble.

Over the years, when asked why Uncle doesn't visit us with Auntie & coz--we just say we don't get along. The older all the kids have gotten--his & ours--the more apparent it has become WHY we don't get along. The wonder to me is how my SIL stands it. But I love her, talk to her all the time. I just figure to each their own. Good Luck

I'd remove myself from the drama. Sorry. We don't pick our family or their "issues" but I'd still touch base from time to time. They aren't "evil" just "challenged".

She seems to have a problem with commitment in relationships. Perhaps there is something her soul is searching for that she is just not finding.

It is hard to be burdened by our loved ones sometimes but you are doing a great job at being there for her. If you feel resentment talking (being forced) to her then it may be better to wait. St Paul said "if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing", it is so important to maintain love in all that we do. That loving atmosphere in our hearts is nurtured through forgiveness.

When you are ready to talk to her (you seem way too caring to never talk to your sister again), pray for the spirit of truth to guide you in helping her. This way you are not just doing as she thinks is helping but what God desires for you to guide her.

An obvious example is... if she announces she is wants to get "married" again, would be to suggest attending a marriage course through a local church before any big events.

Another example would be to encourage her to seek God's help. Instead of a trip to Dubai seek a local spiritual retreat. If not instead then for the guidance to seek sustaining direction in her life.

I think I had your sisters role a few years ago. I was often trying to get "rescued" by family members. My mom also was just trying to be a mom and help...and somehow we would all get ensnared in a sticky family drama. I finally decided to grow up. I took some space away fron them because I was addicted to turning them into my rescuers. I know my mom was in so much pain not being able to connect through rescue but instinctually I knew it was me that needed to change. Because the way she tried to rescue me never was quite good enough for me. Through my recovery, I am learning there is no better rescuer than myself. I'm no longer devestated when someone gives me a "no" and I'm learning to say no too. I guess, if you can find a way to comfortably be yourself and still love your sister and not necessarily getting ensnared....that might feel really good.