SO Frusturated with 3 Year Old's Defiance! UGH! Need Reassurance :)

Being a daycare provider has taught me that I can control behavior with or without spanking. If my families are non-spanking families I do respect them. However, some of my families believe in a well-timed swat squarely on the bottom. I can't help but wonder if the children from the non-spanking families benefit from seeing it done. :)

You already know the right answer. The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have left the very first time they threw sand. I believe that the quicker we react with decisive action the better. I'm sorry that you feel shut in. But the more firm and consistent and tough you are now, the sooner this behavior will be in the past.

Hi there, my son is 2.5 but is very defient. I just want to give you some reassurance that you werent wrong at all to leave. I dont care if i drove 2 hrs to the park, and we've only been there for 5 mins, if my son starts throwing a fit and being a brat, we leave. He understands consequences and consistancy has taught him that if he doesnt listen to mommy, funs over. This has helped. Sometimes I do swat his on the butt. If he needs it, then he needs it. I dont hurt him, but it does get his attention when nothing else does. Dont be afraid of getting the cops called on you. Id be more afraid for the kid whose parents were letting them get away with being definant then the kid whose mother is discipling him when it is needed. You gotta remember that youre boss, not your son.

I've cracked my kids on the rear!

BUT... I try all other tactics first.

I think you're handling things just fine. I do think that we all have rosy view of how our parents did things and how we "never would have" behaved a certain way when we were children. The truth is that at three years old you WOULD have been a challenge with certain behaviors at certain times. You just wouldn't remember. No child is ever perfectly well behaved all the time and anyone who tells you otherwise has smoking pants all ablaze.

The fact that things are improving is a good sign. It means you're learning how to manage him AND it means he's responding appropriately. That doesn't mean he won't test you. Results aren't immediate either, but you ARE seeing results! That should be encouraging even if he's having some slip ups.

It sounds to me like the incident with throwing sand was a two-for. Both kids were doing it, but from your description you made no mention of how the other mother handled HER child's sand-throwing. If he wasn't disciplined then I'm sure your son noticed.

Now, I wouldn't have left immediately after the first incident. I would have handled it nearly exactly as you did with a warning not to do it again, and that if he did do it again then we would leave. That would lay out clear expectations of his behavior and then it would leave the choice to behave or not and therefore whether to stay or not up to him. But the fact is that you followed through and you did the right thing. As long as you remain consistent this way, he'll figure out that behaving that way will result in being removed from having fun and he'll better control his behavior.

As I read your request, a picture comes to mind of an energetic, curious and creative little boy. (I actually see this in all children.) And I see a sea of sand, begging to be played with. Irresistable. As a playful adult who has learned to anticipate unwanted behavior in the kids I've had in my charge, my first thought is, "Hmmm, what can the kids do that's right so they won't do what's wrong here?"

It's fine to tell a child what he can't do and why, but it's so much more effective to suggest what he CAN do. Get him involved with his own ideas – he'll stick with those with more enthusiasm. Help him make up games that involve running, jumping, and rolling in the sand, or pushing it into hills and jumping them flat, or drawing targets in the sand and throwing shoes or other toys at the targets.

And then, of course, if he does descend into forbidden activity, he shouldn't get more than one warning before you leave. If you don't leave (or follow other named consequences) every single time, you will have a son who pushes boundaries every single time to see whether "this time" will be one of the lucky ones where you'll tolerate his misbehavior.

Your son might be one of the exceptionally spirited and defiant ones. It's impossible to tell from here how much of that is his basic emotional makeup, and how much of it is parenting mistakes. But let's assume you just need better ways to deal with his desire to do things his way.

I strongly recommend the most practical and effective parenting book I've ever used, and I've relied on these techniques for the past three years, since my grandson was 2.5. Get yourself a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

Learn how to make your child part of the problem-solving team. Kids can be remarkably good at it, and are highly invested in solutions that they understand and think of themselves. This stuff works. It takes a bit of practice at the beginning, but it works!

I'm having one of those days too wiyh my 4yr old. Hes been in timeout 3-4x & it doesn't work. I finally just put him to bed for a nap, we'll see how that goes....not well so far. So I feel your pain.