What Type of Discipline Do You Use?

You got a lot of responses, but I just started what a friend suggested from Supernanny...I have a 2 1/2 year old, so the time out is 2 minutes (minute for each year)and the timer isn't set until the child sits in the designated spot consistantly, you mentally gear up that this may take a while to establish in the beginning....sticking to it is important, but also only speaking about it once..."You need to sit here for two minutes, and I will go set the timer."...go to set the timer, but come back if the child doesn't stay, keep repeating it, but no more talking, just walk them back calmly as many times as needed until they stay, then set the timer...once it goes off, go back to get them, saying, "Now you (fill in problem action) and you need to tell Mama, sorry."...I have had the hardest time with the "sorry, but with mine, he usually wants to hug and come to me, so I don't totally pick him up until he agrees to say sorry and then I reiterate that he cannot throw, hit, whatever it is...and then tell him that Mama loves him. Disciplining without the emotion of anger is pretty key and I have seen the negative response in several of my kids from "spanking" (ie. starting to hit others)so I have been more impressed with time out. Consistancy (not giving up, which sometimes can be tempting) is key too.

run as fast as you can to the bookstore and buy the book PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC. they also have audio tapes in cd format. i wish i had had these when my two sons were growing up. otherwise i woudlnt have been sucha a helicopter parent.

I actually use both methods. He only gets swats if he is really bad though. Most of the time it is time outs. If she will not stay in her room get a time out chair or like we have a time out bench. That is the disgnanted (SP?) spot. If she moves you just keep on putting her back. Be constant about it. Time doesn't start until she stays there continually for however long. The second she moves time starts over. Goods Luck this can be a challengeing time!

D.,

I believe in spanking as long as it is done correctly. The way we do it is send our kids to their room or another room that is private if there are people around. That way when we administer the spanking it is not humiliating to the child. I tell my child how many swats she will recieve & make sure I'm not angry when I give the spanks. After spanking, I immediately put her on my lap & once she is done crying (sometimes I have to tell her she is done) then I tell her how much I love her & talk about the offense & how she could do it better. We also talk about how spanking is only for Mama & Daddy to do because it is a consequence to bad behavior. One thing to check is the heart attitude as well. We don't just want the behavior to change, but we want a sweet heart as well.... don't want to obey just because & be grumbling about it the whole time.... that's not true obedience. So there's my two cents. Hope this helps.

God Bless, C.

Hi D.,

I was also spanked as a child and I don't ever remember hitting my sister or being hit. I have a 4 year old and we went through the wonderful 3 year old stage and the time-outs would absolutly not work for her. So we started spanking her in combination with taking favorite toys away, sitting in a chair by herself when we went to the park etc.etc. I think that spanking is absolutly crucial to the upbringing of kids and I have not obsereved any adverse affects from doing it. I also have a 10 month old and she is still young but my daughter hasmany friends that we see twice a week and se has never hit any of them. I say stay with your gut and give her a swat for hitting. Good luck I know this is a controversial issue but if you get the attitude in check now the following years will be much more managable. :)

K.

Have you ever watched Supernanny??? She has great advice!

I use time outs for my almost 4 yr. old daughter but the timeouts are sitting down facing the front door in front of me for a few minutes and I think that being that young a few minutes is enough. Me personally sending them to there room is not a punishment for them. Thats just me though. I'm a mother of 5 kids the oldest being 11 so I'm no pro but I do have a little experience. Oh and I did try the little swat on the bootie that didn't go over to well. They just think its ok to hit.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and your 31/2 yo is looking for attention. As a mother of 2, a grandmother of 3, and an RN I would highly recommend something that would bring the stress level in the home down a notch or two. It is easy to fall into the patterns of our own childhoods even when we know there are better ways. You just need to fill your toolbox with some neww tools. A parenting class, some books, talking things out with people you trust is a start,(especially your husband). Try to have some structured or special individual time with your oldest, a little will go a long way. Hang in there, you obviously care deeply about the relationships you are developing with your children! Sincerely J. Smart ZenBaby Boutique

www.loveandlogic.com I have used the love and logic program and love it!

Go to her room with her, lay down, hold her until she knows that this is what she has caused. You have to get over the guilt of your upbringing. You are the start of a new way of loving your children.

I am an elementary school teacher and am newly pregnant for the first time. I use a program called 1-2-3 Magic (for teachers) in my classroom. It is a program originally created for moms. I have a co-worker who is using it with her 3 year old granddaughter who she is raising. You can pick up the book at any Borders or Barnes and Noble. It works well for 1-25 children! When the time comes for my little one it would be something I would use too. Good Luck

Try reading "Parenting with Love and Logic." It has been VERY helpful! We have a kiddo that won't stay in his room. The book is all about giving the child choices and letting him/her learn from those choices/mistakes. So, the child can choose to stay in her room with the door open or shut. If she comes out, she chose shut. Now, she can stay in her room with the door shut, or locked. If she comes out, she chose locked. The parent needs to show empathy for her bad choice. "What a bummer," etc. It really is a great book.

As for spanking, I have found that it does nothing but teach my children to be afraid of me and how to show frustration and agression towards others. Good luck! The book will really help, I promise.

I have had three children...16 years old, 13 years old and almost three years old and used timeouts with all three. With the oldest spanking was pointless and timeout did not work unless it was a timeout from something she wanted to play with or do. The 13 year old was easy and now the three year old we do put her in her room for timeout since she does not have any toys to play with. One thing I had to do differently with her when she has refused to sit in timeout is sit with her. I know it takes time out of what you may need to do but after awhile I didn't have to do it anymore. I would sit on the floor with her sitting facing away from me and explain we were having a timeout and why. Hope it helps. :)

We had started counting to three when my daughter was younger and just switched to the time out method that was previously described, and used on Supernanny. It works great. My daughter gets it! And when she is in time out she usually cries, I want a hug, or, she will say she wants to do whatever it was that she was refusing to do. For example, yesterday she refused to help me clean up her toys, I gave her a warning (very important that you give one clear warning) and she still layed on the floor refusing to help, so I took her to time out. She sat there for two minutes. After about 30 seconds she started saying "I want to clean up." It was so cute! 2 minutes later after the timer went off, I went over there, told her why she was "in the corner" and she said sorry, I gave hugs, told her I loved her, and she went right over and started helping to pick up her toys. It has really worked for us. You have to be firm though, stick to it, and don't give in. It's so true when they say if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

I would also recommend finding somewhere other than her room to use as the time out spot, ie a corner with a chair or rug. We use a chair at my parents house, and at our house, we use the spectator bench in the pool room...neither of which have anything fun near it to distract her. Rooms have toys, and soemtimes TV, and is a fun place to be.

Children need immediate consequences. aking away a bedtime story six hours after the fact is not going to teach them that they did something wrong that afternoon. You could take away a toy each time they do something wrong, and when they do what you ask, they can get a toy back, but it has to be done when the incident is fresh in their minds.
Good luck!

D., I have 3 daughters, 8, 7 and 2. I use the timer on the stove and put them by themselves in a chair or corner or behind the couch so they can't interact with everyone and when the timer goes off they can come back and play but they have to say sorry first. At first you litterally have to stand there and make them stay where you put them. Each time they get up you sit them back down and say, "no you are in time out. You can get up when the buzzer goes off." It doesn't take but a couple times for them to listen for the buzzer. I think it works good. Good Luck to you. L.

D., I like the teaching that states one minute for each year age total time out...they don't understand. And hitting is hurtful, no matter what. Spanks on the bottom for really bad behavior,with explanation, but not random acts of anger.

Better yet, I prefer to teach learning to be seperate from the outer drama, finding inner spirit, inner peace, breathing, 'talking in your big girl voice' instead of the voices expressing emotions.

Teach her BY YOUR example, to stop, be still, breath and 'feel what is happening now...mentally, emotionally, physically' within. After a while it only takes the 10 seconds we used to use to count to ten. In that time What is Happening Now? Thoughts, self talk, (old memories that create behaviors), emotions feelings, stomach, muscles, tension, etc. Maria Montessori teaches that the first seven years lay the foundation for all the years ahead. 'The Child in The Family', is a small book full of parenting skills.

I would start taking toys away ever time she comes out so if she come out 5 time take 5 toys and she has to earn them back or you can add more time on every time she comes out or both it up to you but she will catch on sooner or later that she cant come out till mommy or daddy tell her that she can it might take a while

Hi D., I am a family childcare provider and I have change my type of discipline from TIME OUT to TIME AWAY. What we learned to do in Early Childhood Development is allow the behavior BUT in a controlled environment. Example I had a child that would come in everyday falling out, I designated my entire hallway for tantrums his mom would put him in the hall and we would kick our feet, roll around on the floor,jump up and down whatever BUT my rule is that behavior is only allowed in the length of the hall! Once you come back to the space where we are having class, eating, free play whatever it was not allow because the rest of us did not like or want to participate in your behavior. Now that my infants are bigger I bring them in with us and I use the infant room for my time away as well. The point is to let them see what they are missing out on without giving them that negative attention. It got to the point where he would stop as soon as we started to lead him to the hall, sorry you need to get it out so when you return to our space so we would send him to personal time anyway and leave him for a few minutes. Now all we say is 'do you need some personal time' and he straighten right up shaking his head or saying NO! I was a headstart teacher for about 7 years and now I have been doing the childcare out of my home for about the same amount of time, I am working on starting my own center because I need to get out of my home, blessings to you. Auntie M

I have turned the door knob of my 3 1/2 year old's door around so that I can lock the door when she is in there. I have done this with all three of my kids and though I listen to a lot of banging on the door, I would tell them that they could only come out when they were quiet. My oldest son seemed to catch on faster than my second one has. He was just less defiant I guess. If you're worried about damage to the door think of it this way, "What's more important, my daughter learning obedience or the cost of maybe fixing the door." We haven't had to fix any doors yet and my 5 year old son hasn't thrown temper tantrums since he was 3. I hope this works for you too.

Good luck with your family. My husband just took a pay cut so that he could get out of working 60 hrs a week (salaried of course). He did it for almost 2 years, working nights, and it was so hard for me so I can sympathize with you there.

Time outs are good but sneding them to the bedroom for time outs sends a negative message to the child that their room is a place for punishment not for fun and playing. I used to have my child ren do their time outs on the couch where I could see them if they got up. I wolud do other things so they thought I was busy but actually I was monitoring that they stayed in the time out. One minute for each year of age ( 3 1/2 minutes for the child you quoted). I was hit as a child. I did the same to mine at first when I realized that taking away privledges was much more effective. I never liked being hit. It was humiliating not to mention painful. Take away desert or a video or video game time or a beloved toy for a short period of time instead if you need to. If you child doen't stay in the time out add more time.( reasonable amount like an extra minute) I also used the timer. When it went off the time out was over as long as the time out was done successfully. It might take a few times of struggling with your child to let them know who is the boss. By hitting you child and then expecting them to not hit their sibling is sending mixed messages. Do as I say not as I do. Give it a try and see if it works. You may find those little swats aren't necessary any more. Good luck!

D.,
when I was little, I was a lot like your little one... I would not stay seated in a time out.... my grandmother sat on top of me (not her whole weight --which was like 90 pounds) but enough so I could not move.... each time until I stayed sitting.

First I want to say from first-hand experience - being a WAHM is EXTREMELY tough, so I can understand how you might be resorting to swats considering the amount of stress you are probably dealing with every day. I'm also a WAHM, with 2 kids. My daughter (4) has always been fairly cooperative when it comes to time-out, but since my son (2 1/2) moved from a crib to a toddler bed we've found the only way to contain him during time-out is to put him in his room with the door closed -- we have a toddler-proof door handle on the inside of his door so he can't get out by himself. Might sound kind of cruel, but like you, we found that the occasional swat seemed to result in more aggressive behavior from him. After a couple of minutes in his room, he's usually ready to calm down and talk about it. I hope this helps.

Go to supernanny.com she always has great adcive for just that sort of thing.

I am tickled with the fact that your daughter is not intimidated with the spanking. Of course, as you already know it's a power struggle.
My suggestion is sit her on a couch with the required amount (I believe around her age)keep doing that until she realizes that you mean business. Sending her to her room is actually a threat...she is scared. and the hitting part, if you wish to for that to stop...you would have to share with your daughter "that is a no, no and make her appologize and let her know she need to love her sister not hit.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic Parenting classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area.

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If my son goes to time out I say, "Would you like the door open or shut?" Giving children choices gives them a sense of control, and making decisions calms them down and gets them thinking. He usually chooses open, to which I say, "I'd be happy to keep your door open as long as you stay in your room until I say you can come out." If he comes out I say, "How sad. You chose shut." and I gently take him by the hand and put him in and shut the door (it's child-proofed so he can't open it). After he calms down and is calm for 2 minutes (that's his age) so he's had some time to think about while he was rational, he can come out.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Hi D.,
I totally understand your dilema. I have a almost 4 year old whom is very defiant and does not stand on time outs for me.
I have to make sure I follow through with the time out, even that sometimes does'nt work. I have had to resort to a swat every now and then, I really hate it though. I would love to talk to you if have some time. My number is ###-###-#### and my name is S. please feel free to call me. Don't worry I think they are just showing very strong willed qualities even though it is very frustrating.

As you are probably learning, different things work for different kids - there's not one magic formula. Try reading 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. It was quite helpful with my youngest who is now 13. I'm not against spanking but it just doesn't work for some kids. 1-2-3 Magic was a sanity saver for me.

I also have a 3 1/2 year old so I feel your pain. As I've noticed with my other children, spanking doesn't work. However, they still need dicipline and correction. What I noticed is that I would say "don't do that" or "we don't hit" all day long. What works best in my home is communication. Instead of barking orders all day, I've tried to be patient and explain to him why he shouldn't do certain things, and how he should go about them. This has given him more understanding and compassion for others. If he hits his sister and she's crying. I calm the situation down and explain to him how he's hurt her and made her cry. I make him then apologize. If this doesn't work, try a warning and then take something important away. Kids are very curious and a lot of thimes do things to guage our reaction. Just think of yourself as a teacher of correct behavior. They have to be tought what "right" is before we should discipline them for what they are doing wrong.

You do not fix one bad example with another, and locking her in is not an option. She could get hurt by climbing into dresser drawers. The time out should be with your supervison on a child size chair. If you are cooking, put the chair in the kitchen. If the t.v. is on this is one way children learn a behavior from. I was raised with spankings, I do not and have not spanked my two children (now teens) they respect the fact of not been spanked and also respect the fact that a calm voice gets their attention more than yelling. I am a private nanny and the children I watch listen when a quiet voice is used. They get accustomed to the listening skills since I am talking quiet. If something arises and my voice needs to be picked up a notch they know they have done a mistake and stop their action. Also picking up the cue when a child is getting upset is up to a parent, children do not know how to express their feelings with words the way we do. Catch that anger before it gets out of control and assist the child in identifing what is wrong. Help correct the anger and let them know that anger is a feeling. Talking calm is most important.

Go out and get a GREAT discipline book-Magic 123. Read it and make sure your husband is on board- That way when your child does something requiring discipline, she gets the same predictable outcome for her action. It is simple, and it works. You may have to resort to holding the door shut for a couplr of time outs.

I would have to agree with some of the previous posters in that spanking does not seem appropriate. We personally leave spanking to things that are SO horrible that she needs an immediate and swiftly remembered response (such as running into the street), but we always follow with explanation.

Remember that your children are PEOPLE, too, and need to be treated as such. When it comes to punishment, we usually tell our daughter we are angry with her and need a moment. Then we ask what kind of punishment she thinks is appropriate. She's only just turned 3, but she's often fairly appropriate on her punishments, because we explain what happened that made us angry, use a correlation that she can understand that would make HER angry, too, and then ask what she thinks is appropriate punishment if WE were to do what SHE did.

And I also agree that perhaps her room is not appropriate for time-out, because you do not want to have her equating her room with punishment. She also possibly hits her younger sister out of frustration and jealousy, so teaching her to use words to vent her problems is another good reason to use explanations. I know it takes some getting used to, especially if you were brought up with spankings (I was) as punishment, but even if you have to physically separate yourself at first, I would suggest stopping the cycle, as it has obviously bothered you as well, and giving everyone a chance to heal on that regard.

Best wishes!

THere is nothing wrong with swatting.. I did the time outs for a while sending to the corner, and It worked for a while. but when i had to swat It seems that he trys really hard to be good. ha, When i send my son to his room he crys and then he comes out and lets me know when he is done throwing a fit. but i tell him. If your not done, go back so he is pretty good about stopping. I also sit with him sometimes while he is in time out explaining to him that I really get mad when He misbehaves. and nobody likes mean boys. but I guess you have to try different things, to see what they respond too. Good luck

Easy solution: Turn the lock on her bedroom door around so you can lock it from the outside! This has worked wonders for us. Never mind any yelling or banging....it's the principal of the time-out being in your control that matters.

Time outs should be done in corner where you can keep an eye on the child and no longer than 1 minute per years of age. So your 3 1/2 year old should be in time out for only 3.5 minutes. We used this method on our son starting at 1.5 and by 3 when he did something we did not have to tell him to go to time out...which was amusing in itself to look over and see your child standing in a corner and have to ask what he did wrong. We never had a problem with him hitting or respecting us. When starting this make sure your child is calm before allowing the "clock" to start and after coming out of time out talk to her and be sure she understands that what she did was wrong and you love her and only want her to know right from wrong, we did this everytime he was in timeout and he seemed to understand much better and learn the concept of right and wrong without feeling "unwanted" while in punishment...Hope this helps.

There is an absolute connection between being swated, spanked and hitting others.

There are so many ways to deal with 3 years olds that do not include spanking and work so much better to teach better behavior.

This is the age where learning happens, in part —a huge part, by modeling.
That is why she is hitting her sister.

I was hit as a child, and when I had my two children I not only decided that I would not hit, but I decided that when I found other ways to discipline my two that really worked I would devote my career to showing other parents those wonderful options.

Take a look at my website, www.proactiveparenting,net (notice .net) and see if this is a good fit for your family.
Good Luck—The Mommie Mentor

I definitely see the connection. You are teaching her that hitting is a way to deal with a problem. Plus, you want your children to respect you, not fear you. I agree that Super Nanny has the best techniques. You can watch the show and get the books. She should have a specific spot (a step or a corner or something like that) for a time out, not her room. Each time she gets up, you have to put her back and the time (one minute for each year of her age so 3 minutes) starts over. Do not engage her -- just put her back without talking to her. When the time is over, tell her she needs to apologize, then give her hugs and kisses. You have to be consistent and follow the technique pretty precisely, but it works! Good luck!

I would also recommend the Love and Logic approach. I haven't taken the classes, but I am going to soon. I have read the books and they make a lot of sense and since applying them, it has worked well. I have also read Elizabeth Pantley's books "Kid Cooperation" and "The No Cry Discipline Solution". They are both a lot like the Love and Logic books, but they teach you more how to apply the approach than the Love and Logic BOOKS. They are all worth the read.

D.~
I've read your responses, and you've gotten some really good ideas to sift through. I've also seen all the recommended books and are familiar with all of them. I'd like to throw out one more. If you are going to peruse books you may as well get another title. Out of all these books and more my favorite is Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. I was a fouth grade teacher before a SAHM and used Positive Discipline for Teachers. As a mom the Positive Discipline books and guidelines are my favorite and make the most sense to me. One more suggestion, take in all the advise, decide what would work best for your family, then stick to it and be consistent. The consistency along with a loving discipline plan will prove most effective. I pray for you wisdom in designing a custom plan for your family!!
K., my kids are boy, 7, boy, 4, girl, 19 months

The only advise that I can give you is to be patient, and every time she comes out of her room before she is supposed to to not sayanything, pick her up and put her back in her room. I know that this can be very difficult, but if that doesn't work, after you have given it a fair chance, then I can only think of one other thing. My three year old did the same things and putting him back into his room everytime he came out became a game to him, he would run back down the hall when he saw me comming. A friend told me to turn his door knob around so that the lock was on the outside. And to lock the door, so that he couldn't come out. I tried it one time and my little genius unlocked the door. If you want to try that I would only recommend it as a last resort, but make sure that you don't get distracted by anything and leave her in there any longer then necessary. I hope this helps.

Hi D.. I'm not opposed to spanking if the child calls for it; if I just yell at my daughter, she cowers; but my son absolutely pushes everything to the limit! I had the issue with my kids coming out of their rooms during timeouts so I turned the doorknobs around so the lock was in the hallway and I locked them in. I know, that sounds horribly cruel; but I actually only had to do it about twice and they hated the locked door so much, they didn't push the issue. But keep a screwdriver INSIDE the room in case they decide to close the door when you're IN the room!! My daughter did that accidentally and locked us in!! I also have not had the benefit of having a "dad" around; my ex moved out with my son was 6 months old and my daughter was 22 months old, having gotten another woman pregnant while I was pregnant with our son. As much discipline as I may render, my kids have never feared me, wel, like I feared my dad. I believe there's a healthy level of fear. I also went thru a horrible time with my son -- he was expelled from daycare at 4!! I took absolutely EVERYTHING out of his room -- he had only his matterss on the floor; no toys, not one car or army guy, nothing on the walls; absolutely nothing. Dr. Phil says to make a sterile environment so the child doesn't WANT to go to a timeout in their room. I had to do that 3 times!! But he finally got the message. He had to earn his toys back one at a time -- every day if he had behaved, he could go out the workroom where I kept all his toys and pick something out. It's worth a try...hope this helps.

hi, D.!

we use the super nanny way of discipline as well as a little baby whisperer for toddlers method mixed in there! the TV show is great and it is nice to see exactly what you are supposed to do and NOT do! she also has a few books out which our library has to check out!

hope this helps!
-B.

I do think there is a connection with the spanking and her hitting. Not that I think you are "abusing" your child, but spanking teaches kids that to lash out and hit is an okay response when you're angry.

Try a baby gate on your daughter's bedroom door. We have the step-thru kind and we put it up when we switched to a big bed because she would NOT stay in bed! You can also turn the door knob around so it locks from the outside. Tell her if she stays in her room for time-out, you will not lock the door, but if she comes out you will lock it. Sounds harsh, but it's only for a short time and it's not horrible to put her in her room for a few minutes.

Another option is to install a screen door that locks from the outside. That way, you can leave the door open so she can see out, but still keep her in her room. My friend did this to keep the pets from going into the kid's room during nap and nighttime.

Because our house is 2 levels, we've been doing time-outs in a chair in the dining room. She's removed from us, but not so far away. She has learned that if she doesn't stay in the chair for her time-out, she will have to go to her room. Good Luck!