MIL Disciplined My 4 Year Old Daughter

As a rule, I do not want anyone but me or hubby spanking my child. In this situation I think it was appropriate (grandparent, aunt, uncle...perfectly acceptable....babysitter not so much). If you were there, you should have done it but you weren't.

She defied her grandmother , and put her self in danger. She deserved a swat on the butt.
No child was ever "traumatized " by a spanking.

If my child ever did something like this I would EXPECT ANYONE that had taken her on this trip to swat their butt.

Oooh good question.

If she's an otherwise good grandma I'd let it go, especially because that's one of the few circumstances where I think a light spanking (i.e. swat on the behind) is warranted to grab a small child's attention.

That being said, I don't think I would ever do that with my grand-kids, for fear of alienating my DIL's (who have the power LOL)! And I generally don't believe in spanking, either.

I doubt she'll be traumatized. And I'd let her know she's not to run off from grandma or you guys - that can be very dangerous.

I've been in all the roles, Mom, Grandma, MIL, and am now raising my youngest grandchild. So I've seen that different behaviors call for different consequences, there isn't a one size fits all when it comes to discipline. Life-threatening behaviors call for attention-getting consequences, a swat on the bottom being my choice for running away in a crowd or into the street or parking lot.

Your MIL called you to let you know that she did what she did so your daughter, her granddaughter, would understand how serious the situation was, I commend her for that, she knows what discipline is for. And I can pretty much guarantee you that at some point she had tears in her eyes and her heart in her throat for the fear she felt when your daughter went into the crowd.

Your daughter won't be traumatized from the experience unless you make it so by bringing up the swat over and over again. I would sit her down and look straight into her eyes and tell her what she did was very wrong, that she needs to apologize to her grandmother for being disrespectful and walking off into the crowd, and to never, ever do it again with anyone. The reason being her repeating this behavior could end in an entirely different dangerous way...pedophiles go specifically to places and events where children will be, with the implicit hopes of finding a child not with an adult.

You might be upset with your MIL, but she loves your child more than you know.

She's playful, patient, and just plain wonderful. And she swatted your daughter once when she disobeyed and tried to get herself lost in a huge crowd.

Count yourself lucky.

I would have been upset if my daughter had pulled that stunt and the adult she was with HADN'T swatted her in the butt. Kids (especially 4 year olds) constantly test their boundaries. Sometimes a quick swat is a hundred times more effective and to the point than a 20 minute lecture.

Would you rather have your daughter traumatized when someone kidnaps her or a swat on the bottom? I would have no problem with my MIL doing the same.

I also think that what your MIL did was appropriate. I would be more concerned about the child behaving that way.

Totally appropriate punishment. Your daughter was being disrespectful and then put herself in danger. Unless your MIL gave her a major beat down, daughter will not be traumatized. If daughter had successfully gotten lost in a massive crowded event or gotten hurt or snatched or something - THAT would be traumatizing. You need to get perspective on this. Hopefully this was an out of character moment for your daughter because if this is her normal behavior you have much bigger problems than MIL swatting her.

Yes. My parents did it to my daughter when we were in Germany and she ran off...into a crowd. I had NO problem with it. My daughter was 5 at the time. While it was a light swat - she remembered it and even now that she is 26 - she STILL remembers NOT to walk away in large crowds.

I don't think your daughter is traumatized by the swat. I do think she would be traumatized should she have gotten swallowed up by the crowd and lost your MIL. I would be thankful that my MIL was there to protect my child.

While I would have preferred a different tactic ie. not physical discipline, I understand it in this instance. I hope you THANKED your MIL, first and foremost. I also hope that you sat your daughter down and had a good, long discussion with her on her unacceptable behavior.

The next time you see your MIL, I would make sure to thank her again. You can gently suggest that if something like that ever happened again, something that she felt she needed to physically discipline, you usually _____ instead. Give her some alternatives.

But I sincerely doubt that a light swat, a genuinely light swat, traumatized your daughter. Don't even bring it (the swat) up with your daughter AT ALL.

EDIT: I've been thinking about this a lot since I posted. You're so worried about how your daughter is feeling about a light swat after horrendous behavior, but have you given any consideration at all to how your MIL is feeling after this incident? How terrified she must have felt? How horrible it felt to her that your daughter was so disrespectful to her in such a dangerous and busy place? How completely out of control she must have felt, and then the only thing she felt she could do to get your daughter's attention was to use a swat since verbally your daughter repeatedly had disobeyed? Your daughter isn't the one you should be so worried about here.

SH, I have to say that I believe she did the absolutely right thing. Instead of being traumatized, your daughter will straighten up with her grandmother. The reason she did it was to test her. That's what little kids do. This testing could end up with her getting hit by a car, lost in a crowd, falling and breaking something, etc. Swats on the bottom get a point across that timeouts DON'T - especially when it comes to dangerous situations.

Your MIL called to tell you this. If you can't stomach it, then you are hamstringing your MIL AND your daughter in regards to them spending time together safely. Ask your MIL to only use this method if there is a similar situation as regards to safety. Not for lesser offences. She will understand.

Dawn

Your daughter won't be traumatized. You need to decide if you're comfortable leaving her with Grandma again knowing that she takes child safety this seriously and that she will tell you exactly what happened.

My bigger concern, if I were you, would be that I had a child who was so disobedient that she would put Grandma into this kind of situation. Seriously, a four year old should know to do as she's told and not say "no" an wander into a crowd, directly disobeying the adult who is caring for her.

I'm not a proponant of spanking (and I think a swat is different than a spanking), but I do believe in teaching children to obey wthout question. That's how we keep them safe, well and alive.

I dont think that a swat on the butt is traumatizing.
Being grabbed by a stranger, yes. Getting lost in a huge crowd yes.
Imagine how traumatized your MIL would've been if she had gotten seperated from your daughter!!!
I'm not an advocate of hitting kids for anything and everything. But YES sometimes their attention needs to be awoken. This would be one of the times! She blatantly defied your MIL, and could've gotten lost, snatched etc. At four she should be listening to authority figures.
I don't believe your MIL crossed the line. If you feel she did, then I wouldn't let anyone else take her places but you. As an adult she was responsible for your child, and your daughter should've listened to her. Period.
I think you're over reacting a little bit.

first off if my child tells me NO and runs off in a crowded area he/she would be lucky if all they got was one light swat. that is a safety issue and NEVER okay in ANY way. they would find out SUPER quick (i will correct myself - my son DID) that that will NEVER happen again. my son tried that one time and never again.

S., if my mom or any other person i trusted with my child was to experience this, i would be horrified that my child did this. i'd probably lecture them myself and wonder if they'd probably do it again since all they got "at the time" was one sweet little grandma swat.

your daughter sounds like she doesn't understand that some things are non-negotiable. being with someone besides mom or dad, she should even be on BETTER behavior. (and a four year old definitely should know better - if this was a 2 year old i might cut her some slack, but at 4 she should be WAY past running off, and if she's not, imho, it's because she was never taught how serious this is and that she HAS to do as she is told in this situation)

so imho she got off SUPER lucky.

As a grandma I will say that she was probably terrified when your daughter took off on her and just did it by reflex. If this was one of my daughters she would have been in big trouble for not listening. The next time she was invited somewhere we would have made a big deal of it and not let her go because she didn't know how to behave. It wouldn't happen again. Your kid is fine, what about grandma?

thats fine by me, i would of done the same thing to my 3 yr old daughter and in fact i have when she has ran away from us in a store or parking lot, she got a swat on the behind

I don't think she'll be "traumatized" by a light swat.

Sounds like she didn't obey, and needed to be corrected. MIL made a choice, just as you would have made a choice. It's over.

Your question sounds pretty dramatic for a light swat, so I don't know if these types of dramatic incidents happen often in your life. But "traumatic" - not by any stretch of the imagination.

I think your MIL had every right to discipline your child in this situation. You weren't there to do it. What if the MIL had just told your daughter not to do it again, and she said NO again and took off and was kidnapped? Then you'd be writing today how horrible the MIL is because your child was taken and she didn't keep a better eye on her.

If you don't agree with the swat, then tell the MIL that you don't do that, but you appreciate her trying to get it across your child that her behavior was unacceptable.

In that situation, yes, I do think that was ok for her to do that. It was a very dangerous thing that your daughter did and she needed to know that it was not ok. Normally I am not ok with spanking at all (unless they are doing something that is dangerous) and my MIL knows how I feel about that and respects that. BUT in this situation, I would have no problem with it.

Yes, and as a grandma to a 4 1/2 yr old grandson, I've disciplined him many times... and that does include an occasional swat.... (after other methods have failed, or when the situation warrants it.)

Fortunately, my daughter is on board with my style of discipline..... we agree on what should be done, and when.

Yep, I'm one of those who does advocate an occasional swat... I'm not meaning you should pull her pants down and paddle/beat her... but a swift swat to the covered butt sometimes makes a BIG impression.

Truthfully... what you you have done if your daughter ran off in a big crowd like that? "Now, Susie... you shouldn't do that to mommy!" What would your preferred style of discipline be?

Sorry.. but serious transgressions sometimes call for more serious discipline. Your daughter could have been much more traumatized if she had gotten lost, injured, or worse in her decision to leave grandma in an unfamiliar place.

I wish my mom would discipline my son. She lets him get away with anything. I was in another room nursing the baby while my mom was with my son and she let him throw a ball in my house at my tv 4 times!!!! Thankfully he has bad aim. I had to come out and tell him not to throw the ball in that house. She didn't even say that!

If you are going to let he take your daughter places without you, you have to let her discipline her. You may talk to her about what you think her more appropriate punishments.

No. But I agree with your MIL. Your child needed that swat to get her attention. What she did wasn't just disobedient, but putting herself in danger. I'd be glad if my MIL had the stones to do that with my kids in a situation like that. MY MIL, on the other hand, let my son (age 4) tell her that he was allowed to shower alone, so she let him (without verifying with us even though we had cell phones and were easily reachable). She also, (same time she was watching him) let him not take medication he was on (antibiotics). The woman is a nurse and should KNOW you don't do that when you are taking antibiotics... Not to mention that my son doesn't and never has had any issues taking ANY medications. So it wasn't like he was gagging and she didn't want to force it. He just said he didnt need it and she apparently was fine with that. Grrrrrrr.....

if grandparents are allowed to take kids on excursions (and they should) they must also be allowed to discipline. your daughter was very naughty and clearly something needed to be done. if you are against corporal punishment, then that should be discussed in advance so your MIL is aware and is prepared with whatever your family finds appropriate.
when my grandkids start arriving i plan to find out what my sons and their wives want as far as rules and boundaries and stick to it carefully. but of course i'll plan to discipline when needed if i'm the one in charge of them.
my parents spanked my younger once when he was staying with them. i was horrified (and they were sorry about it when they saw the look on my face) but it was my fault. we had quit spanking altogether a year or so earlier but hadn't shared our revised parenting policies with my folks. they had no way of knowing.
and he wasn't traumatized. i no longer agree with spanking, but a naughty child will not suffer lasting psychological damage from one light swat.
khairete
S.

While I am against spanking generally, in this case it was warranted. If your daughter is upset and brings up the incident, how you react will be very important. You can say, Grandma was SO scared for you, you did a VERY dangerous thing, or you can try to completely undermine daughter/grandma's relationship! Do you want to reinforce safety in crowded places or do you want to ruin a relationship? Your choice.

and Jessica Wessica had an even better response; thank your MIL for wanting your daughter safe above all else!

Let it go. Did your dd seem traumatized? It sounds pretty benign...

I doubt your daughter will have any long lasting problem from it.

I would not worry about it. A light swat is ok. Especially in that situation. My 3 year old has run off in a large crowd before and it was so scary. I know your MIL was probably scared too. I think the swat in this instance was warranted. It doesn't sound like she swats just to swat every single day. Then I would have a problem with it. Not here though. Not a big deal : )

Your daughter would have been much more traumatized if she were to get lost in a huge venue like that!

Your daughter has been hit before - maybe not by an adult as punishment, but unless she lives in a bubble she has been the victim of a hit from a classmate, friend, etc. She is not traumatized!!!!

I will tell you this - I would have not just swatted her, I would have outright spanked her right there at the circus. She told me NO and walked away??? I don't think so. That is something she would only have done one time and if you had a problem with my disciplining her for it, I would NEVER take your disrespectful child anywhere ever again!

I have "swatted" both my kids exactly 2 times. Once for the very first time they threw a temper tantrum, I pulled them up and spanked their butt and said they better NEVER do that again...and they didn't. And the second time was the first time they figured out how to unlock the front door and run down the street. I spanked them again when I caught them and said they better NEVER do that again...and they didn't.

So I don't see a problem with your MIL doing this, even if you don't *believe* in spanking (technically, I don't either). It was a serious situation and she needed to let your daughter know that and I'm sure your daughter will not do it again. Especially if she is not *used* to getting swats. Now, its a different story if your MIL turning into a swatting lunatic for every situation...I would have a problem with that. Good luck!

Sounds like MIL was frightened - it would be terrifying to lose a child at the circus - and reacted by hitting. Not effective discipline but understandable that she might do this - once. I would have DH discuss that you and he understand what happened and that DD understands that she needs to stay with MIL but that no one hits your child (I am assuming this from your question). I think for many grandparents, hitting is just an assumed part of parenting and she may not even be aware it would be a big concern for you.

I would talk to DD about how frightened you and MIL would have been if she had gotten lost. Ask her what she would have done if she turned around in the crowd and she couldn't find MIL. Let her consider it. I would then ask her what she will do next time. I would then explain to her that she scared MIL and that MIL made a mistake and hit her because she was scared. I would also make sure she knew it would not happen again. But also that she needed to be able to stay with MIL at all times if there are to be any further trips with MIL (or really with anyone).

There is plenty of research which shows that hitting a child is simply not EFFECTIVE discipline - whether or not you think it is ok to hit children - it simply does not work. Children who are spanked/hit are more likely to disobey than children who are not. So - there is no reason to think hitting this child will make her stay with the person who hit her instead of wandering off.

Ok, So Im thinking your daughter was outright being defiant and it may have been warranted to give her a swat. Just think if you MIL wouldnt have come home with your daughter and had to tell you someone took her. Which would you have preferred. Because if she did it the first time 9 time out of 10 she would have done it again at the circus the exact same day. If she is a good MIL why question this like she chose the wrong discipline. Thank God that the swat may have caused your daughter to not run off again. Really, how are you going to put her in time out at a circus and hope that your words are enough for her to do exactly what you say. For pete's sake DD is 4 yrs old. Giving that swift kick in the butt be thankful that your MIL came home with your daughter because it could have been a totally different turnout. Looking for your daughter or just retrieving her from security. Either way what turnout would you choose out of all 3??? I have a son and I have spanked him all of 3 times in his life and he is very respectful and doesnt get in any trouble. To be honest I am not saying it cant be done but that is why she is being told NO when your daughter should not at 4 by now to not say NO when you are told to do something. I dont know I operate totally different and my sone would have NEVER told me NO! at 4 yrs old.

Good Luck!

EDIT: Really I am just so over some of these answers about considering not leaving your daughter with her grandma again. Like really "are you serious with your life right now". Like Jessica Wessica said what about the fact she was TOTALLY disrespectful in the first place. You need to have a very long talk with your daughter explaining how inmportant it is to not run off. She put her own little life in danger and the grandma is taking the fall for it. Totall WRONG!

my mom did the same once to my child on a safety issue and she felt horrible but because of what happened she felt it was necessary in the moment. While I was not thrilled at what happened I understood. What if your mom could not find your daughter AT ALL? or possibly for a few hours? how traumatized would your daughter (and your mother) have been then? yeah have a conversation with your mother and let her know how you feel AND FORGIVE HER. but also have a conversation with your kid!

I WOULD be very upset. I am all about discipline, but not physical discipline. If she didn't listen and walked away I may have gone as far as to leave the circus as a consequence but NEVER hit someone's child. I never hit my own kids, so I wouldn't want anyone else hitting them. I think you should talk to her (if you have a good relationship with her) and tell her you understand how upset she was and your daughter was wrong for not listening, but you would appreciate if she didn't hit her. Or even better have your husband talk, because grandma can get upset with her son and forgive but it doesn't always work that way for daughter in laws. Good luck!!

I had this sort of happen. My mother in law slapped my sons hand because he kept wanting to grab at everything on the counter while she made dinner (knives, glass cups, hot pans. etc).

I always remember they grew up under much different discipline then I, I was not unhappy or upset about it. I know I heard her tell him several times not to take anything from the counter and he after a few times she gave a slap on the hand and he never went back. I think she was honestly just very scared that something could happen. While maybe it shouldn't be the first resort... I don't think your daughter will be traumatized by a one time thing. That coupled with the fact that you know she is a great grandma and she told you exactly what happened. She could have left out that bit of info. If it is something that happens again, then maybe I'd say something to your husband to discuss if you need to talk to your MIL about your desire not to use physical punishment.

If your daughter doesn't look petrified just by taking Grandma's name, seems perfectly fine by me!

would you be mad if your husband did this?
I think if yes, then you have a right NOT be upset a right to address the issue of no spanking
if you wouldnt be mortified from a light spankling your husband would give in a sittuation like this, she should get the same respect and ability to discipline

I would not have been upset at someone disciplining my child for deliberate defiance, especially wandering off in a crowd, but I would not have been okay with the form of discipline used. Instead of swatting her, MIL should have simply said, "Since you refuse to follow the rules for being out in public, we're going home," and taken her home instead of going back to the show.

If ANYONE ever laid a hand on my kid, there would be a BIG problem for that person. No matter who they are. My parents know this, which is why they never would. Discipline (which was needed, for this bad behavior) is fine, hitting MY CHILD, is not.

If you don't like this, you need to have a conversation. In no uncertain words (but kindly) she needs to know that is not an option for her.

I have to disagree with the majority here. If she's so patient what's with the spanking? Not ok. I have had this happen with my niece at Disneyland. After I grabbed her, I did not hit her! Personally, I would never send her on an outing with this relative again. She thinks spanking is fine and she will do it again. My mother was "fired" from watching a niece for this same problem, the THIRD time she spanked on the bottom.

Heck I would love to discipline my 3 nephews but not going to since i'm not their mother but if I was they wouldn't act the way they do.If it was serious they would do an explanation and time out but thats all I do find out about it i'm either there or they'll tell me kids included

I don't think she'll be traumatized by this happening.

However, I think it's time to have an open conversation with your MIL that goes something like this, "Thank you for taking the time to discipline [daughter's name] in the way you felt was best for what I'm sure was a scary situation. Obviously, [daughter's name] is comfortable enough with you to defy you, so I thought it might be a good time sit down and share with you some of the discipline tactics we prefer to use in our home so she is getting firm and consistent discipline when she's with any of us."

From there, you don't have to tell her what you would have done in that situation, but do explain the types of punishments you use in your home. Also, make sure to tell her that while you understand that many kids have been disciplined with light swats on the bum and they've 'turned out fine', it's not the type of discipline you use in your home and you want things to be as consistent as possible.

There's no need in this situation to try to explain to her the studies about physical punishment or your beliefs regarding it. She most likely raised her son that way, and could feel like you are attacking her mothering skills. Keep the conversation around the idea that you want everyone to be consistent and these are the things that work in your home.

Best of luck,
S.