Smoothing Family Conflict

"Auntie, thank you so much for your advice, I will take it into consideration."
That way you are acknowledging her opinion without making it a battle and you can still do it your own way. Try to remember that she is probably not trying to make you mad she just wants to "help" you. So smile, nod and be kind...and maybe listen to what she has to say, she might actually have some valid points.
Hehe! I come from a family of very opinionated women, you should feel lucky that you only have one. :P

Hi D.,

First of all, the bonding between your hubby and your son will occur naturally now that they will be spending more time together......so don't rush it, it will happen :o)

As far as "the aunt".....I believe she is normal. Normal in the fact of jealousy due to her own personal turmoil of not having a baby of her own. I don't think she intends to act this way, it's a natural form of jealousy. Majority of people without kids ALWAYS have better ways of raising children and know EVERYTHING until they are blessed with their own.

Although I know this is difficult for you, take a breath. Your situation is only temporary, and she is doing a wonderful thing allowing you to stay with her until you have your own home (which is hopefully sooner rather than later). You don't want to spoil the relationship with her.

My sister always had a better idea of how to raise my boys......very frustrating on many levels! She finally had the blessing of children.....and God even threw twins at her the 2nd time around! She's learning that money, a clean house, and perfection are not priorities......as she once thought while I was raising my kids. I had to wait about 9 years for her to have this realization, but it finally happened. Thankfully I was patient enough and never "spoke my mind" enough to ruin our relationship. Today we live far enough/close enough to maintain a decent relationship.......

Be patient. Your situation will be over soon enough, and you can live your own life as the good mother that you are.

Happy New Year!

~N. :o)

I really feel for you! Tough situation. I bet you'll get some helpful tips. I remember my ex and I thought we knew it better until we had children of our own. I was so jealous!

Anyway, some thoughts...don't know how useful, but write all tips you get that speak to you in a notebook and refer to them, for strength, as needed.

Paraphrase what you hear her tell you, back to her in the way you understand it.

Breathe deeply. You are listening, you have heard her.

You can comment, "That's something I'll have to give some thought." "That's interesting." "I hadn't thought of that." "Baby, did you hear that? You have a smart, great aunt! Mama will consider it if she ever gets a minute!"

When baby is asleep. you and your husband can ask her her opinion on parental issues. Opinionated people love to give their opinions.

Try I feel statements. I feel good about how I'm feeding him. I feel that's something to talk about when you and I are having a chat. Later, I feel it's okay for him to eat his dessert first, if that's what he wants, because there's no real reason he shouldn't. I feel you're second guessing me when you say those comments in front of my son. I feel it's best you tell me when we're alone because I want to give him my attention and he may feel the tension I'm feeling.

As to how you think she might feel about your husband....Maybe she can help by giving you some alone time with your husband. "I feel your aunt thinks..."

Hang in there! Breathe deeply and enjoy your husband and child. Hopefully, Aunt will act nicer if she feels you are listening to her.

Best,
G.

Dear D.,
This is a tough situation to be in, but it won't last forever. You are in a period of transition and I wouldn't worry about your child bonding with Daddy as it will happen naturally and before you know it, you will be moving into your own place and getting used to that situation as well.
You didn't mention how old your aunt is. I have an aunt who was never able to have children and she absolutely loves and adores my kids, but I've noticed that as she gets older, she gets more nervous and has less patience sometimes. I'm just wondering if since she's not used to having a little one around 24 hours a day some of the things she says may seem critical to you when really it's just a matter of her not being accustomed to it.
It depends on the kinds of things she's saying as well.
Is she giving opinions like he's not dressed warm enough to go outside or you're filling the tub up too much when you bathe him? Those type of things are just opinions.
She may see you as an inexperienced first time mother who could benefit from her suggestions, but you just have to keep in mind that you are the mom and she never even had children to draw experience from.
It's hard to have your own little family dynamic while living with someone else under any circumstances so my advice is to just hang in there, appreciate how she's helping you until you can get your own place and thank her as much as possible for her suggestions...unless she's coming right out and telling you that you are a bad mother. That's a different situation all together.
She may not be being as critical as you think she is. I don't know. She may not even realize she's making you feel like a bad mom or that you're taking it that way.
She must really care about all of you so I'm hoping that you can find a way to make your time with her enjoyable. She will really miss you when you get your own place.

Take care and best wishes!

I'm sure you're a very good mother. Thank her for any suggestions she may have. Most of the time, people just want to feel important, needed and be able to pass on info they have learned through the years. You don't have to be a parent to know about babies/children. Maybe ask her how she would handle a situation! Include her. She may have many treasures to offer. Enjoy family. I know many who would love to have a meddling aunt or grandmother or.......

Good luck,
N.

D., Just how long do you actually plan to live on her generosity of staying in her home?? You knew her personality before you moved in there. Is she doing any of the child care while you look for work? All good questions but only you have the answers.
When you move into another's home you are the guest and it is the guests role to abide by the boundries to live by. That is only polite and kind in return for her shareing her privacy with you. Are you paying rent and for your own food or is she doing all the giving? After a short time this gets old to always be the giver. Are you doing things for her like the yard work or cleaning the stuff she can't?
That said... I am sure that because like all people that donot have children they have read, studied and planned for each event should it happen. But the books and life are usually at conflict. In stead of being offended you might try compromise and see if anything she says might have value and help you as a parent. You might also let her love and adore the child and not have to be threatened by it. Every child needs lots of people in their lives to love them and she sounds like one that needs to love a child and could be a helpful influence in later years. My children, I have 5, all have a special Aunt, Uncle,or Grandparent that they turned to as teens because I as a parent had become the village idiot in their minds. The relationships had started when they were babies and just developed and I haven't been compromised as a parent because of it only enriched. Good Luck, Nana Glenda

I've read all the posts so far and you have plenty of good advice.
When an adult has to move back in with another senior family member it generally always causes conflict because it's going against the natural order of things.
Best thing you can do for now is respect the fact that she is giving you a roof over your head and if there is an attitude problem it should be your incentive to hurry up and get back into your own home before the relationship between Auntie and y'all gets ruined.
You already know you are a good mother, so don't let her comments bother you... give her the benefit of the doubt and be the bigger person. She may feel you owe her something for her letting you stay with her....
It is a temporary situation, so just make the best of it and move on.

There probably isn't much you can do but grin and bear it until you can get a place of your own.

Does she know the reason you are "pushing" your son off on your husband? Maybe you could try to explain the whole scenario to her in a positive way. Or, perhaps your husband could try to talk to her since she is his aunt, explaining that you moved to be closer to him and that there really needs to be bonding with the two of them.

My final suggestion would be to do whatever it takes to get into your own place and have your own lives. Meanwhile, I would probably do whatever it took to keep the aunt happy.

Do you have a plan for when you'll be able to move out? 2 months, 6 months a year? Can you rent an apt or a house any time soon? As long as you are sharing quarters, everyone is going to have to mind their manners and be as diplomatic as possible. Maybe Auntie should look into fostering or adopting if she wants to raise some kids so badly. You have to keep your eyes on the prize and it will pass eventually. Try to get out of the house as much as possible and explore your new community. Network with Mommy groups and any church groups that may be able to help look for housing.

D.,

Get your own place even if its just a studio. When you live in someone else's home it usually causes conflict, spoken or unspoken. You will bond better as a family when the three of you are on your own.

Blessings.....

Many people without children have opinions on how to raise a child, what they would do in any situation but most people I know after having children realize they had no idea all of the elements that come into play. So just know that she can have an opinion but has never lived it. She does not know by experience. "great idea", "thank you" and then know you are the one living this life and trust in yourself. And maybe one day she will come up with a great idea. It is hard to live with other people and raise your children better to move out as soon as you can. Good luck and Happy New Year.