My DD turned 3 months last week (14 weeks old tomorrow) and sleeping has become a horrendous affair. The past 2 weeks I've been trying to instill healthy sleep habits (putting her down sleepy while awake, routine before bedtime, sleeping in crib for naps and bedtime, etc.). I'm reading both Ferber's and Weissbluth's books for tips and understand her need for sleep and positive sleep associations to learn fall asleep on her own.
However, how does one teach a baby to "self-sooth"? I can't put her down in her crib without her pacifier, which typically falls out in 10 minutes, requiring me to go back and pop it in her mouth. This happens 3-4 times at bedtime (7:30pm/8:00pm). Tonight she has woken up every hour, and I can tell she is overtired.
I've tried letting her cry for 5 minutes in hopes she'd self sooth but she becomes frantic and hysterical. The doctors/books say not to let them cry/don't do sleep training until 5 months or so. Can I start Ferber now? My first DD we let her CIO at 3.5 months, and she has turned out fine... Or do I continue to "enable/support" these "bad associations"?
I should also note she is a colicky/fussy baby, and just became "enjoyable" in the past 2 weeks, then all this started.
I am very disappointed and hurt by the lack of support found here from other moms (though, thanks to Elizabeth F. and Tatiana). I'm exhausted and posted this question at 4am during a 30-min sleeping spell. I'm new to town and don't have anyone to help out (family, sitters, etc.). With a 2 yo I can't sleep when baby sleeps, and when baby gets up 3, 5, 7 times a night, I'm not functioning well and short of patience, which isn't fair to my toddler. Plus, 5-6 hours of colic screaming a night for 8 weeks does not compare to 2 hours of nightly crying as MommyX3 says she dealt with. You have no idea.
I will wait before trying anything, as I do know she is too young, but I am at a loss of what to do. I will read the No Cry book as I am always interested in different ideas/perspectives.
having worked this hard to get good associations going, it seems a shame to sabotage it all by reverting to CIO now. have you tried offering her her thumbie? so much easier than a binkie if she'll take it!
khairete
S.
I would say, stop reading books and pay attention to what your baby needs. Some babies put themselves to sleep and some never do. Enjoy the wonder of nursing/rocking your baby to sleep for as long as she needs you to do this. She will be grown up in a flash.
not to sound harsh, but ferber method is nothing but letting a baby scream until the baby is exhausted and falls asleep because their eyes hurt. and you never should be letting your baby cry at 3 months old. a baby at that age is helpless, crying is a reflex they use to communicate they need something. its not like they are trying to manipulate you, its a baby.
to expect to "teach" a 3 month old how to sleep is ridiculous, a 3 month old is not capable of being taught something, esp something that is a normal human function. do you go to sleep when you arent tired? i sure dont.
i have a 5 1/2 and a 2 1/2 year old. never were they left to cry, not even when my daughter was colicky for 2 hours every single night at dinnertime. they coslept(which your baby probaly wouldnt wake at all if you did that) and were treated exactly the same from birth. my oldest never slept more than 20 min naps, and slept a minimal amount of hours through the night. the other one took 2+hour naps and never woke during the night once she was through eating. if we stay out very late, the oldest still wakes up at the same time, the youngest i have to wake. they are still exactly how they were as babies, nothing like each other. we are all individuals, and sleep is not a skill to be taught. it is a biological function. just as adults, some may wake up a few times at night, others never. you shouldnt think that every child can be fit into a doctors little box of "this is what your baby should do".
for your pacifier issue, in no time the baby will keep it in, and then you can put 10 in the crib at night so she can find them. babies using sucking as a natural way to self soothe, pacifiers are preferred because you can eventually take them away unlike thumbs, to prevent dental issues. pacifiers also have been shown to lower the risk of SIDS. the pacifier IS a recommended way of self soothing, i dont understand taking it away, and then still expecting her to fall asleep alone.
all this aside, even if you decide you want to use the Ferber method, to have a book/doctor say this method is for 5+months, why would you start now. obviously, he has already decided his methods are not appropriate for a younger baby, so why would you do it now. again, not to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you its okay to let your 3 month old cry. many people i know who start out with the ferber method end up saying how sometimes there baby is crying for 30 minutes. well, if the baby is crying 30 minutes after you have already instilled the method, obviously it didnt work. and what about in future when things like teething, growth spurts, illness, pain, ect come up? how are you going to differentiate from ferber crying to other factors?
and i wouldnt go along with the "we let her CIO at 3.5 months, and she has turned out fine". you are already setting it up that you think its okay to let a 3.5 month old cry, which is against every doctor, FERBER, SEARS, ect, out there. furthermore, i was given cereal in my bottle at 2 months, slept on my stomach, and had a bunch of toys in my crib. just because i "turned out fine" doesnt mean i use that fact to gauge whether i will continue those now unsafe habits.
ETA -i just wanted to add, that my grandmother lived to be 94 years old. if we all realized that in the scope of a lifetime, having interupted sleep for a few months to comfort our baby is nothing in the big picture. once your child is a bit older, you will be begging them for cuddles and hugs. everyone is in such a rush for their children to move to a higher level. children are helpless babies for such a short time, embrace that instead of fighting it, and maybe sleep interuption wont seem at hard.
Many babies go through sleep changes between 3 and 4 months. Give it some time.
I never let either of my infants CIO. NEVER. They sleep better and longer (12-14 hours plus long naps) when they were ready than anyone else's kids I knew after sleep training. It's such a crock! There's little evidence that making a child scream themselves to sleep at 3 months makes any difference later on. Read Dr. Sears's "The Sleep Book" or "The No-Cry Sleep Solution". They are both built around compassionate attention to your infant's needs instead of ignoring them in an attempt to teach them that they don't know what they need as well as you do. Another good book that is more sleep-training but without the crazy crying is "The Baby Whisperer".
Your baby is only 3 months old. She doesn't know how to manipulate you, she cries because she's hungry, in pain, or lonely. Give her a break, pick her up and sooth her.
I HIGHLY recommend reading "The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night" by Elizabeth Pantley. It will change your life.
There are also other versions:
~ "The No-Cry Nap Solution: Guaranteed Gentle Ways to Solve All Your Naptime Problems"
~"The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child's Sleep"
~She also wrote "No Cry" books for seperation anxiety, for potty training, and for discipline
Hi J.: some resources to help you
www.ahaparenting.com
www.askdrsears.com
"Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp
"No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley
GL. Jilly
What MOMMYX3 said.
And it's extra important if she's a colicky baby to not ignore her cries.
you can not spoil and infant.
and it's totally normal for an infant to not sleep all night.
The " bad association" you don't want to teach her is that mommy isn't going to get what she needs. They don't cry for no reason.
I know EXACTLY what your going through. My ADHD 8 yr old daughter was the same way. And if your daughter is anything like mine was , CIO will not work. She will just scream for hours then throw up.
Here's your answer Co-Sleep.
My son was totally opposite. But I still would not every do CIO again.
If you are going to use Ferber...then follow his guidelines and do not start it early...wait until 5 to 6 months old before starting his techniques.
At 3 months you may need to go back and hold/rock her to sleep and then gently put her down...she is still eating every at least 3 hours during the day...and what 2 night feedings...??...
Every baby is different...I had one great sleeper and one who never slept...hang in there mama just a few more weeks and Ferber will be an option for you.
Oh, if you swaddle her still, you can get the top of the blanket across the bottom part of the pacifier and that way even if it comes out of her mouth it is still right there and she can suck it back in...
I just want to second what MOMMYX3 said. Again, not to be harsh, but your baby is only a baby for a very short period of time. We are all different with different sleep patterns.
I am a huge advocate of Ferber... but for goodness sake, actually follow Ferber. It is WAY to young to expect a baby to self-sooth at this age. I know you are exhausted, I remember, but that is not the baby's fault. My husband and I traded off nights, with one of us sleeping in the guest room (he'd bring the baby to me to nurse, and then take him back) to get some sleep.
I don't think there is anything wrong with STARTING some of Ferber's techniques now-- bed time routine, soothing sleep environment, positive sleep associations, but you can't expect your baby to self-sooth at this this point. While I don't agree with what MOMMYX3 says about Ferber's methods, I do agree that you sound like you are looking for someone to tell you that it is ok to let her scream. I think what you need to do is find a way for YOU to get some sleep-- enlist your husband, your mom, a friend, a babysitter, whatever you have to do to get you some sleep. In another couple of months (an ETERNITY now, I know), you can start letting her try to self-sooth.
As for the pacifier thing, it is so tough. We went through that. I bought the smallest pacis I could find-- the Nuks, I think. They look like butterflies with buttons in the middle. My husband and I always said he looked like the cover of the "Silence of the Lambs" DVD, but they stayed in better than anything else.
Good luck. I swear this will get better, but I remember how miserable the no sleep thing is.
What mommyx3 said. check out happiest baby on the block also. Good luck!
I am on my third child now three months old and really you cannot spoil a child before 6 months. Our son literally slept in the swing; swining, all night untill he was a good 5.5 months old. transitioned to the bed just fine and has slept great ever since and is now three. Our daughter slept on her tummy from 6 weeks and on and sleeps great now. Our three month old little girl has slept on her belly since 5 weeks and sleeps great. Just find what works the best for your little girl! We tried CIO with our son at first but because of medical issues with reflux it wasn't the fix he needed to be comfortable and he just wasn't laying down flat. Sometimes CIO isn't beneficial it just affects their sense of security which they rely on so much at such a young age. She is still young, she will learn soon enough!
There is a mix of advice already here and as one in the trenches at the moment (4 month old), I keep reminding myself of a phrase a friend heard from an old midwife once: babies under 6 months will be consistent with a schedule. My friend (who went back to work at 3 months) took it to heart and honestly feels she took on less guilt and angst trying to "force" a schedule. As a SAHM, I had the luxury with DD to sleep when she slept. Now with my son at 4 months and DD at 3-1/2, I don't have that luxury and it is just plain DIFFICULT! But, as another mama said, they aren't this small for long. I tried a 5 minute-cry last week and all it did was get him wound up. But we have begun a bedtime routine (jammies, nursing in a darkened room, putting him down drowsy) and I suggest you stick to the same - she'll get it eventually!!!!
Good luck!
