Sleep: Cry It Out Method Vs. non-CIO Methods

I had a colicky baby, 4 actually. I can't imagine leaving them to cry alone through that. We carried, strolled, bounced, showered...but never would I leave a crying baby alone. A sleeping baby in a safe place? Yes, but not a crying one, unless my nerves were so fried I had to walk away for a couple of minutes, but not longer than that, and only for my own sanity because I often did bedtime alone.

I had a friend who had two babies who would fall asleep by having their backs rubbed for a minute or two. Not mine. I agree most with Mom2Many's post. No grey area here for me, either, we threw out the crib and got a king sized bed when the first one was 4 months old and never looked back. We co-slept with them until they were about 3yo. None of my kids were damaged by it, and we all slept better for it. Do I think it's for everyone? Nope, but you'll never convince me that trying to train a baby by leaving them alone to cry is ok, ever. jmnsho.

http://www.thesunnysideupblog.com/2010/07/baby-boot-camp....

This blog puts it better than I ever could. I only wish that I had had it when I was sleep training. Give it a read and good luck!

http://www.thesunnysideupblog.com/2010/07/baby-boot-camp....

This is one of those area's that, for me, there is no grey area.

I co-sleep, and I have never used CIO, not with a single one of my 8, most of who don't sleep through the night till 3-4 (this is consistently).

Since by now most people know the research, there's no point in even going there.

For me it was simple, I don't sleep straight through the night. I wake up hungry sometimes, I wake up thirsty sometimes. Sometimes I just wake up. Why would I expect and infant/toddler/young child to not wake up at night. Especially one that is growing at amazing speeds. Just because an infant can go a whole night without food, doesn't mean they should or aren't hungry. If I get thirsty or hungry I just get up and get it, and infant/young child can't do that, that's still out job.

Sure I'd have like a little more sleep on occasions, but I'm the parent and don't want to hear my baby cry when I have a simple solution. I mean we aren't talking fingers in light sockets or running in the street. We are talking meeting their most basic and needed, needs.

Is CIO harder on the parents? Of course it is, we are wired to answer those cries. Is it any wonder why?

All of my kids self soothe, they were able to do it when they were physically ready. None of them need me at night to put them to sleep, even my 3 year old, just hops in bed and goes to sleep...even if she still wakes every once and while for me. My now adult children have great sleep habits, they've never complained of any sleep issue's because I didn't let them CIO or any other form of sleep training.

Honestly, I think parents do it for themselves, under the guise of helping their infants.

Okay, soap box over....I did say that this was one of my none grey area's lol

Why do you believe that if a baby does not learn to self soothe that it is a skill they will never learn?

Neither of my girls slept through the night until they were done nursing, so that wasn't until closer to the age of 2. It was a tiring few years but they are well adjusted and sleep on their own today just fine.

The CIO method was not for me. I believe I did look into the book by Elizabeth Pantley "The No Cry Sleep Solution" but by this time I was already too entrenched in our bad habits and just kept doing what worked for us.

On the upside, the light at the end of the tunnel was not a train so hang in there. It does get better.

I tried CIO with my DD when she was 6 or 7 months old. After three nights of hell I gave up.

The first night, she literally cried herself sick, and did not fall asleep until after 7 hours. Same on the second night. The third night, I gave up after four hours. (I was using the Ferber method...)

When I gave up, it was much easier. I read the no cry sleep solution, tweaked it to fit our needs, and used that instead. We were both much happier.

Personally, I don't like the idea of CIO any more... But it does work for some people. Their children probably aren't as insanely stubborn as my DD. ;)

Did you know that Dr. Richard Ferber (who is very commonly referred to when doing CIO, even though his method is a bit different...) actually changed his position? He is now against it.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/why-i-no-lo...

First, I am not going to tell you what to do. I'll just tell you what worked for me.

As a nanny, I really hated the CIO thing. Families requested I do that with their kids because that's what they were doing (naptimes) and while I complied, for me it was emotionally grueling.

So, we went with co-sleeping and nursing at night. It worked very well for our family. By the time we had moved him out of our bed, he had a well-established understanding of object permanence and could understand that we weren't going away forever. Granted, we waited a lot longer than some families, but we never bought a crib, had a king sized bed and a futon in our son's room for 'private time' together.

This worked for us. It may not work for other couples. My husband had no problem with extended nursing or co-sleeping and as I mentioned, we had other options for intimacy. And I wasn't expecting a second child, which is another factor which might change the dynamic.

Our hardest challenge was moving him to his own bed in his own room when he was four. (At three, he moved to a futon on the floor of our room. Our bedrooms are on separate floors and we wanted him close.) At four, we did the 'walk him back to bed, no talking' thing for a couple of nights and that was about it. We really haven't had any problems since then and he is a sound sleeper.

I will say this: whatever you choose, make sure it works for your whole family. I knew a couple whose 5 year old was having sleep issues because the child would ONLY sleep when mom was sleeping with them. Mom didn't want to deal with the tantrums which sometimes accompany that sort of separation and had allowed this to continue for far longer than she or the husband were happy with. Cautionary tale, that. Dr. Sears says that when it stops working for one person involved, then it's time to reassess. Keep that in mind, no matter what you choose.

You make up your mind on this the same way that you made up your mind for breast vs bottle and the same way that you will make up your mind for discipline vs punishment......

You do what is right for YOUR child and what feels right for you and hubs. A united front between parents is WAY more important than which philosophy you use.

I can tell you this...... I'll be 42 next week and I don't like to sleep alone in a cold, dark room away from everyone I love.... so when my daughter wanted to sleep with us? CLIMB ON IN!!!!! But that's me. My sister but her daughter in the crib the night they came home from the hospital and she's been there ever since. Both are good sleepers and neither have suffered any ill-wills.

Personally? It's more important that your child knows you are going to comfort them at that age.... now, when they are 6 and flipping around like a fish? O.U.T. but at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4? They're still little. Let them be comforted. however, if that doesn't work for you - for WHATEVER reason - then do what is right for your family.

How old is your child?

I just went according to my kids' cues, per sleep and naps.
Each child is different.
I never used CIO methods.
My kids slept fine, per however they were.
My daughter was harder. She was noise sensitive.
My son was easier.
I just went by my kids cues and knew them and per any developmental changes/growth spurts/teething/night terrors etc.

Like S.H. I just followed my kids' cues.
Neither my husband or I could stand listening to a baby's cries for more than a few minutes so that factored into it too.
Just do what works for you, your husband and your baby/child.
I nursed my kids to sleep, and they came to bed with us sometimes, if they woke up in the night.
But they were always put down in their own beds, so bedtime was never an issue.
It all works out in the end :-)

CIO worked really well for me with both of my kids. I felt super guilty the first couple of nights, but by the third night it was working so well that I knew it was better in the long run. If you're able to, go turn on the shower or a bathroom fan or something so you don't have to hear the screams. Have a monitor nearby to check, since you should be going into the room at certain intervals anyway.

With my son, he cried one hour the first night, 20 minutes the second, and 5 minutes the third. After that, he never cried for more than a minute or two - sometimes not at all - and he was able to put himself to sleep. My daughter took a little bit longer for it to work, but she was never as good of a sleeper as my son anyway, so it didn't surprise me.

Have your husband be there to help. The men can often handle it better than the women (moms can't hear their babies cry without rushing to help). We did it where we went in the room first after two minutes, then five, then ten, then every 15 until the crying stopped.

I haven't read your other posts, but your baby should be at least four months old and 14 pounds before you start trying CIO. Some doctors/sleep books actually recommend five months and 15 lbs. Depends on which book you read, I guess. I really liked the Sleepeasy Solution.

I was never interested in trying CIO, but really, we didn't have a need, either. Our child slept with us from 8 months to 3 years and initiated moving to her own big girl bed in her room of her own accord (obviously ideal, I know.) We probably laid down with her until she fell asleep for about 6 months, then we said, "Ok, no more. You are now old enough to stay in bed on your own and fall asleep, just like your cousins and friends do." There was a tiny bit of balking, but she got it and was able to do it at that age because she understood the concept and was mentally ready for it. She's always been an excellent sleeper and for that we are very grateful. At any rate, that's our story and it worked for us.

Start working on her getting less sleep during the day so she'll be ready to go to bed at night. I don't believe in CIO, I think it's cruel and mean to let your baby that you planned and prepared for just lay in bed and cry for you. That's how I see it anyway.

Nurturing a child and being there for them when they need or want you is what a parent is supposed to do.

I think you have a good sense to what you want to do, you want to nurture your baby and be there for her.

I did CIO with my first but not my second. They had different personalities and different needs. Are you resentful? You need to factor your needs into the equation too. Is it affecting your moods and how you function during the day? That effects everyone.
My first born woke in the night but did not need to eat. She just wanted a bottle because she wanted it. She was not then nor is she now a very sensitive person. I punish her more harshly than her sister because it takes more to get through to her. We did CIO when she was 8 mo old because enough was enough for me.
I however could not bring myself to do CIO with my youngest. She was underweight and still is. And she is sensitive. I just sensed that she needed a little more of me than my oldest. Also because she was BF, I just took her to bed with me and nursed her to sleep while I slept. My oldest needed a bottle which took more effort.

So my advice to you is this: you know your child and your needs. You know how night waking is effecting your family. So try not to be so torn by contradictory parenting philosophies. Set philosophies aside. We both know well adjusted children who were raised with either method. Its possible we all over think this issue.

And no matter what, you will win some and lose some. Your child is going to suffer through some trouble shooting and will likely still turn out perfectly fine and well adjusted, so long as you are a loving and committed parent. You'll all muddle through, even if you try some things you regret. You will try things that don't work, you will punish too harshly and too lightly, you will lose your temper, you will do something spot on, you will let some things slide, and other things you'll nip in the bud. You'll parent by the book when it suits you, and then you'll do something so completely unrecommended like letting your baby have a bottle past 12 mo. or a pacifier until age 3 and you'll do it not because you didn't know better, but out of sheer necessity. Don't freak out too much over trying CIO. But if you don't think it will suit your child and you can handle the night wakings, go with that.

I used CIO when my kids were 6 months. Until then, they still woke 2-3 times/night, and I was exhausted. I did it for me, not for them. They would have been fine sleeping with me, I'm sure, but I was gonna lose it.

At 6 months, my kids were large and didn't need nighttime feedings, so I knew they could make it through the night. It took me 3 nights with each one.

If you are okay with co-sleeping then that's all that should matter. If CIO would be too troubling for you, and co-sleeping works for you without major sleep disruption for you, then do it. Knowing all the arguments for and against, just go with your gut and don't feel guilty about what you decide to do. Decide based on what is best for you and your family and then stick to your decision without guilt or wavering.

Best,
S.

My son had colic- horrible colic- until he was about 6 mos old. He cried and cried and we had no option but to put him down and let him cry and cry sometimes. If we held him each time he cried, we would have never put him down. So, all that nonsense about crying damaging babies must have be written by doctors or mothers who have had non-colicky babies. lol We later found out he had multiple food allergies that caused all the crying. :(
Anyway, CIO worked with my son. He is a solid sleeper today.
CIO did NOT work with my daughter. I considered myself a pretty versed CIO method user, but she was unrelentless. So, we had to do the best we could with her. She could really scream like a banshee, and with another child in the house trying to sleep, her screaming was not an answer for us. So we did the "whatever it takes to shut her up" approach. Holding, rocking, singing, etc. She still isn't the greatest sleeper even to this day (she'll be 3 in a month).

We used the Ferber method, it worked for us. It's not full on CIO, but so called graduated waiting. You go in at increasing intervals and give your child assurrance of your continued presence without taking on the task of getting them to sleep.

Our kid was crying incessantly when we tried, so there was really little to loose and everything to gain.

He's now nearly 3, and sleeps beautifully on his own. Just for kicks, and because we thought it might be nice to try snuggling with our little boy, this weekend we tried taking a nap together, on our bed, as we were all exhausted. It was anything but relaxing or effective, Mr. Wriggle bottom was performing acrobatics and alternatively stroking me or daddy, which needless to say, got in the way of his falling asleep. For those of you who can get rest while co-sleeping, more power to you.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

There are so many options, I don't know exactly what people mean by "Cry-It-Out." We did Ferber, which to me, feels a lot like a hybrid of the two - which is to say, it is sleep training, but not just leaving the kids without interaction, either.

My brother and SIL did attachment - they held their kids until they fell asleep at night, and also for the duration of every nap. Their kids are the same ages as my kids, and all four of them have similar sleep patterns and habits now.

What it comes down to, is what works best for your family. That means the WHOLE family - mom, dad, and kids. If you or the kids are so exhausted during the day that you can't properly function, then something has to change. My best advice is to camp out in the library and read all of the books on the various sleep methods. We can give you synopses, but really, the details in the books will help you find the method that will work.

However, NONE of the methods will work if you are inconsistent. So it is really important to find something that works for everyone, that you can keep up.

Hang in there, mama!

Try the Ferber method, rather than CIO if CIO doesn't feel quite right to you.

I did CIO with my first, mistakenly believing it was Ferber, and it was hard on my son, but eventually worked. With #2 I actually read some books and realized what I had meant to do with #1 was the Ferber method, not actually CIO. I did Ferber with #2 and it was much easier on him, and worked.

I like the baby whisperer. I can't stand hearing babies cry, but they do cry when they are overtired and just learning how to self-sooth. With the baby whisperer, you hold the baby and comfort, but when they are calm, you put them back down. I'm using this method for the second time right now. My girl is 5.5 months old, and she is really learning to self-sooth.

I can't leave a baby crying. I will let the, fuss, but fussing isn't crying.

I'd check out the baby whisperer book from the library. The bes one is called something like " the baby whisperer solves all your problems." She also as good advice on how to handle toddlers with discipline, etc.

CIO is probably harder on the parents than on the kiddo. We did it with our first and it worked great (but dang it was tough to do!). We never did it with our second because we had to worry about disrupting our older kiddo's sleep. The first falls asleep much, much better than the second, though there is no proof that is due to our use of CIO.

There are all types of kiddos and all types of methods. You need to choose the one that 1) you can handle and 2) suits your kiddo.