Single Parents!!

I am about to become a single mother to a 3 1/2 yr old and 6 yr old daughter here in Houston. I would love someone to start a group for single moms! Everyone on here has been so kind and helpful with their advice! Hang in there! They will be so grateful one day for all you have done for them!

I dont know were you live, but the Starzville Elmentry In Canyon Lake, schools PTA is starting a round table for single parents. Its going to be a place to talk about whats going on and find other people that are going thru or have gone thru the same stuff you are. Im going to a round table for parents there and its great!!

S.,

Being a single mom is an especially tough situation. I'm not sure how you do it all and I'm sure you've wondered this yourself. Children are a joy and a challenge. Not having someone to share those joys and challenges can lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration. I am not a single mom, but my husband was deployed for a year so I can relate somewhat to your situation. Writing in a journal was helpful for me. Being able to express your feelings even in writing can do wonders. Take a few minutes each day to write out your feelings, your goals, your hopes for the future. Prayer is my next suggestion. God is always there to listen. He loves you and knows you. Reading the scriptures is also a source of strength for you. Even a few verses can help your day go better. They are like cinnamon, it only takes a little to flavor the whole recipe.

I'm glad you are involved with Mamasource. That's one example of how you can connect with others in similar situations and gain some support. There are also other ways to meet individuals that share your situation and experiences such as church groups that cater to single parents. These groups can be a wonderful resource and a way to make new friends. If you do become interested in more than just friendship, I would suggest looking into eharmony.com or Christian singles internet dating sites. This might allow you to discover what you are looking for in a man and also give you some insight into who you are and what are your interests and needs. If you do find someone you're interested in dating I would definitely suggest taking things slowly especially when it comes to the physical aspect of the relationship. Take your time. Get to know the person, develop a friendship. This can really help you to feel fulfilled even if it doesn't lead to a more serious commitment. Take things day by day. God will bless you for the important work you are doing in raising your children. Hang in there and good luck!

S.,
Thank God for you! I have to tell you that these same thoughts were running through my head tonight as I opened my mail.
I am 45 and have 3 kids. My husband sounds the same as yours, and so does my life, only I get no child support at this time. We are seperated because he suddenly decided he wanted a divorce 2 1/2 years ago. Turns out he met a woman, who he is now living with, just two weeks before he asked for the divorce. We had a really nice marriage...very passionate in every way about eachother. It has been mentioned that this is a mid-life crisis. Anyway, it is my second marriage and I was very hurt about all this in every way. I am finally getting myself back on track and feel as you do about dating and having a relationship.
Even though I am 45, the good Lord blessed me with good genes and I look much younger and act much younger than I am. Therefore, anyone that I attract or am attracted too is pretty much too young to take on me and my 3 kids. Ages 23, 20, and 10. (2 boys and a girl respectively).
I feel very lonely too at times and have trouble with it when I see complete families looking so happy ~ especially when I see a dad that obviously loves his wife and is devoted to taking responsibilities is every way for his children. I think to myself that I am a good person with a lot to offer so why can't I have that too? Wy did MY husband choose to bolt in the middle of raising our daughter. She is still so young and it is just so sad to me. My boys are from my first marriage and, after our divorce, their father moved to England and never paid child support or gave any kind of emotional or loving support to the boys. He was a jerk so I was glad that he left but devestated for the boys. My second husband took them on like a pro and was a great father to them for 10 years, then he left and it was as brutal as the first abandonment.
Now I am left to pick up the pieces for my boys and their broken hearts along with my daughter who doesn't understand why her dad left when it is still so obvious that he misses and loves me and that he is in pain without us. Very sad, but I think his pride is in the way and I am NOT going to help him with this. It is too degrading and I refuse to put myself out there to him at the chance that he will break my heart again. He says he wants to come home and that is whe he isn't getting the divorce.
Long story, sorry.
I would love to corrospond with you some more on this. I really am not a victom type person, you just pulled this out of me with your note! I'm very upbeat and not one of those who looks for people to rescue me.
If you wish to write, we can exchange our experiences, (I am actually writing a book on this)
I am going to a Christian class based on the book Boundaries and it has help me a great deal. I don't know where you live, but I am in the 1960/Willowbrook/Champions area of Houston. (Originally from New York).
Would llove to hear from you if you wish. Best of luck and God bless you ~ you are not alone...trust me!!!
____@____.com
Deborah

All I will say is that you deserve a life, too. If you don't even have enough good "girlfriends" you should work on that first by joining a hobby group or something (cooking class, book group, etc.) and then network with those gals to find a nice date.
If all else fails let your 6 year old fix you up...just kidding! (She sounds like a sweetheart who loves her mommy! ) Keep enjoying your family but make yourself come first sometimes, too.

P.

Well, I won't claim to know what you're going through...I only have one child...I can't imagine trying to be mother and father to six of them!...you must be an amazing woman!

I do understand the loneliness...I've been a single mom the whole time...and my son's biological father isn't a part of his life at all...no support whatsoever. Thankfully I was blessed with a great job so money isn't an issue and I can even be home when my son gets off the bus from school! A couple of years ago my son was doing similar things when he'd see a single man...and he started telling me he wanted a daddy. I finally started dating someone at work who quickly became the only daddy my son had ever known...and when that relationship ended after six months, my son and I were both devastated.

I haven't been willing to take that risk again...I know what you mean about being scared...but I'm not scared of commitment, I'm scared about what can happen to both of us before there is a true commitment. When I was younger...and before I was responsible for another life... I was willing to take the risk of getting involved with someone in hopes that it would lead to commitment...but now, the risk just seems too great even to give my son the daddy he wants and needs so desperately!

For me, getting through the day isn't a problem...my son has school and I have more than enough to do at work...and I can even fill the hours after he goes to bed with work. The hardest times are what you said...when we go somewhere and I see all the "complete" families...when we are at a friend's house and I watch how the parents share the parenting duties...when I sit in church by myself every weekend and watch all the happy couples sitting together, sharing loving glances, and walking hand-in-hand to the children's building to pick up their kids from children's church...when I go to events at my son's school and see all the couples there to cheer on their kids while my son has to make do with only only cheerleader! ...and the hardest part of all is knowing that I can't give my son a brother or sister.

I wish I had some bit of wisdom to share...I know that without the hope provided by my faith, I wouldn't make it through each day and I pray you have something that does the same thing for you.

Hi! I'm not in your situation but I wanted to say kuddos to you!!!!! Sounds like you are doing an awesome job with your kids that's why they don't ask about dad too much. I hope when you are emotionaly ready that a great guy will come along and pamper you! Good Luck!!!!

Dear S.,

I am not single, but I do want to say that it sounds like to me you are really a super special mother. I have no idea how you do it! Your kids are so very blessed.

The only suggestion I could make is that you get connected to an understanding church. Hopefully that would give you some intimate friendships that could help with the loneliness. Of course, those kind of friendships take time to develop, but it might be worth the investment.

One idea is to find a single mom who is further down the road that you are, who has been where you are and knows what you are going through. Someone you could call at night and talk and maybe pray with.

But anyway, thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear of someone who is as committed to her children as you are.

J.

I am a single mom of one tween....I don't know how you do it with 6!! Fortunately, her dad sees her alot and helps out but he is an alcoholic so I have to monitor the visits very closely. Shortly after my divorce, I started dating a little, but found it difficult. So, I decided that Sarah would only be a child once and that I would focus on our time together and maybe look at dating when she got older. I do have several friends that I go to dinner with on occasion, but for the most part I don't go out much. I know how you feel about being lonely at times. It would be nice to have someone to share your intimate thoughts with and snuggle up to occasionally, but I have found it difficult to put myself out there. So know that you are not alone!!

I was a single parent for several years and I remarried when my children were older-my oldest was out of high school. Then I was a wife, mother, full time professional, etc. I do love my wonderful husband with all of my heart and I do believe he is my gift from God-however, I have given this a lot of thought. It takes a lot of energy to be a parent-especially if you are both mom and dad. It also takes a lot of energy to be in a committed relationship-especially if you have been in a failed relationship-your fault or not. If you think of your energy in terms of a glass of water and your pour yourself into all of the people in your life-all of your children and save some water for yourself-is there realistically enough water to go around? I spent a lot of time and energy working on my new marriage and being a step-mother and I know my own children did benefit from having a positive male role model, but I know they received less of my attention as a result. Since you have the children now, make them a priority and keep a healthy balance. As they grow and mature and leave home there may be a very special man out there for you. No matter how wonderful the man he just can't love your children like you do. I'm not slamming men here-this is my own experience-I do have a great husband and step-father for my children. It's just my perspective and experience. Good luck and I would say you are very blessed to have six great kids!

HI S.

I can agree with most of what everyone else has said. I too am a single mom of a 3 year old who knows nothing about his father because he walked out when I was 6 months pregnant and has been inconsistent as a father ever since. I recently moved to houston from chicago so I can definitely relate to your feeling of being alone and wondering if things will change. But all I can say is hang in there and if possible look for other things to focus on until that time comes. I know it is difficult as I have issue doing that very thing.

Who knows maybe from all of the responses you receive a group for single mothers could be formed where we could help each other get through it together.

Feel free to email me ____@____.com

Cecele D

I will tell you that life is so much easier with girlfriends. They hold you up when you can do it yourself and pull you back down when you're getting out of control. I encourage you to seek out female friends that are Moms, they don't have to be single. Take turns getting together at each others homes, make it kid friendly so no one has to get a babysitter. Once every 6 months, go out to dinner with these women and see a movie. You will be surprised at how much fun you will have and how you refreshed you feel when you come home to your kids. Good luck Sister! I live near Austin, feel free to come hang out with me!

Hi S.,

I was there for many years. I was a single mom for 6 1/2 years and went through the feeling lonely times MANY TIMES. When I would get to those times I would try to focus my energy on my son or work or something else. Other times I called up a friend and said I needed to go out whether it was to dinner or dancing or anything and we would head out to have girl time. If you don't have very many friends see about getting with other single moms for play dates or strike up a conversation with a lady in the store that doesn't have a ring on but has a kid. Right off the bat you may have something in common. There are also a lot of single groups in church's that go out and do different activities together. At my church we have a singles and a women's group. The singles is both men and women and then the women's group are women only but single. Usually these groups do things together like bowling or thanksgiving party etc. I was in the single's group for a many years before I met my recent husband. It's great to be wrapped up in your kids but you need "You" time as well. When you are least expecting is when Mr. Right will come along. A friend of mine has been going through the lonely phase for a while as well and this past week met a really great guy. I'm hoping things work out for her but when she needs to go out I'm still all for having a girls night out. Don't worry this is normal and it will come and go. I'll pray that you find your soul mate and also that until then things get a little easier for you and your kids. Oh and by the way, sometimes it's better if the father doesn't come around. My ex comes around but only so it looks like he's a good father or to start up trouble. When he does have my son he sits him in front of the TV or my son plays with his toys by himself. My son is now getting old enough that he is starting to understand how his father is and he comes home upset and feeling like he did something wrong. As long as your kids know you are there for them that's all that matters. Carma will come back to your ex.
Good Luck

Though Im not in your situation, my mom went through it & my aunt was single the whole time her boys were growing up. I can tell you that what you're going through is 100% normal. It would be tough raising 6 kids & finding time for yourself even with a father in the picture. It sounds like you are doing a great job with the kids & given the circumstances, you sound pretty upbeat! Impressive! Depending on how long ago you got divorced, I think you should try to "get out there". If you are newly divoreced you may not be ready yet. I've always thought there should be an organization for single parents, to socialize & have get-togethers. Maybe you could look online & find one... or even start one! My aunt met life long friends who were also single parents. We grew up with them & their kids & they are like family to us. I think making some friends that are in your situation would be really good for you & the kids too!

I am a single parent or two boys (10 and 5). It is tough at times. But I just try not to worry to much. I know that God will provide for us and he has. The boys dad has not been a part of their lives for many years and he now is trying to reconnect. It is hard on me and my oldest son, because I guess we are more aware that he has not been around much. I have started dating though. It has taken some adjustment, but I met a great guy who is also a single parent. So we get each other. We are taking our time and so far so good. I have not dated in many, many years so I am a little rusty. Keep you head up because you are a great mom! Everything will work out for you and your children.
God Bless and good luck.
C.

Perhaps your children don't ask about their father because they sense that this would cause some discomfort. That actually seems likely, since you already have one wanting to get you a boyfriend--bless her heart!

I am not judging you when I say this. As I read another response, I was reminded that sometimes we just make the wrong choices. Sometimes we choose the wrong men to father our children (based on who we are, how we grew up, what our needs are, etc.--sometimes not even conscious choices), and we don't always realize it; then we blame the men for being exactly who they are, and not who we wanted them to be or tried to change them into. It's not your fault, but maybe you should take some responsibility for those choices and move forward with that sense of accountability. That might make it a more pleasant experience, allowing you to feel more empowered in the decisions that you make and less like a victim. This is probably just a weak moment, but I don't want you to unwittingly play the part of victim. Our children see that, too, and they grow up to make conscious and subconscious decisions based on that (just like we did). Taking that bull by the horns will help you to break that cycle for your children.

By the way, I celebrate you for the work that you're doing with your babies! I hope that the down times will be few.

S.,

Unfortunately, it seems it has become more common that men opt to help create our beautiful babies but fail to be good fathers. I have grown up with this personally, since my father was emotionally absent and in the end, my mother opted to divorce him. It turns out he has Asperger's Autism, making him a highly functional and intelligent man, but he fails to be emotionally attacheed or able to anyone. So with that said, I grew up without a father and in turn, desperately had hoped my children's two fathers would want to be involved. My two older kid's father could honestly careless...and I don't doubt he loves them, but he just is not capable of being an adult let alone a parent. In fact, although we did go through a nasty custody battle, it wasn't to ensure he saw his kids (which he would have had anyway if him, his mother, and father did not go above and beyond to be nasty as well as the stupid laws in this state stipulating that as long as one parent has the child in their custody, the parent does not need to religuish the children to the other adult) but rather, to ensure his mother had access to her grandkids.

In turn, due to that tumultuous time, I cut myself off from the dating scene for over 3 years, only to find myself in another pickle with the second father- that one turned out to be a domestic violence situation, had him arrested, and found out i was pregnant afterward. Me and the father keep in contact and are fine as long as we are not dating; he wants to be involved in his daughter's life and I welcome that as long as he is on his best behavior.

As for myself, I keep myself going day by day between my kids (9, soon to be 7, and 3 months) and my friends whom i consider my family. I do keep in contact with my family, but they live in california, and with the exception of my mother and my grams (passed away in 2005), the rest is not too supportive; part of the reason i ended up in texas actually.

I keep myself busy between my kids, work, school, the house, friends, and occasionally I will date, but I have only gone steady with three guys in the last 10 years. I am particular about dating as well as introducing them to my kids; I am not one of those moms who can bring in a slew of new boyfriends...I never understood that concept.

What have you tried to do for yourself? What about exercising, church, school, work, activities, friends, going out and having some fun (dancing, dinner, movies, the like?)...do you have anyone who can watch the kids so you can have an occasional night out? For myself personally, I am a homebody. I tend to do everything at home and tend to have my friends come to me; so we tend to listen to music, watch movies, have good conversations, hang out, enjoy dinner, and have holidays at my home.

You will be fine; I know how hard it is to be alone, but we have wonderful children and friends to fill the void until someone worthwhile comes along for us and our kids.
I wish you well and I hope you find what you are looiking for.

If you would ever want to talk or maybe we can get the kids together, feel free to email me at ____@____.com

A.

How do you get through? Lots of prayer and support from family if you have it. I have a 9 year old son and his father left us when he was only 2 1/2 months old. So I've played mama and daddy too. It's hard sometimes to always have to be the bad guy, but it pays off with all the hugs and kisses. He has grown up without his father and he does okay most of the time. He wishes he could have a little brother though. Dating is more like job interviewing. I can usually handle it okay until he pops up out of the blue and says something like "I wish I had a Daddy to do X with" or "I wish you could find a husband so I would have a Daddy". Apply lots of love and hugs and you'll get through it. Good luck to you as they get older and start getting involved in school activities!

Do you and your children go to church? That's a great place to make friends. My church has a great Singles Dept. and they have lots of fun together.
Also, I don't know if it's still around, but years ago I knew people who were members of PWP (Parents Without Partners). They were a great support group.
If you get child-support and your children don't question you about their father, consider yourself lucky. Yes, a two parent household is much better, but your children go to school with lots of kids from one parent households.
Good Luck.

Hi S.! You are not alone in this situation. I am a single mother of two teenage boys and since their father, they have never seen me with another man. They know that I have been out on dates, but I have not officially introduce them to anyone of them. I too see complete families and wonder if I will ever experience that type of life. I will be 39 in a couple of months and it is now starting to sink in that it is a possibility that I might be alone for the rest of my life. For now I just put my focus and attention on my boys and prayerfully God will answer and deliver who he has for me. So hang in there it will get better.

Good Luck to you. I'm not in that situation but my mom was, Yet my father was around a lot. They also sucked it up for me and went out together at times. I would just focus on your children as hard as that may sound. If it's meant for you to find someone then it will just happen. When I had my first he's father did something and I left him when I was 7 months pregnant. I never looked back. I was by myself until my ds was about 10 months. Then my husband BF back then came back into my life. We married 5 years later and now we have 3 children. My oldest doesn't know my DH is not his BIO father and that's for the best.
I hope things get a little easier.
BIG HUGS

hey, Huge amounts of kudos go your way for doing this with 6 kids! Its hard enough single moming it with just 1 or 2. Are your older ones old enough to help you baby sit? That would be a big help. My second question is, Are you involved in a Church? I ask this for two reasons (and I'm not trying to be preachy or judgmental) Someone did tell me once though, that if you make sure you include God in your children's lives, you are never a single parent. It was some thing that really helped me. The other reason I ask is that not only is it hard for adults to meet people of the opposite sex, but sometimes its hard for adults just to meet friends. Working from home, you don't have alot of social interaction and I can see how that would be very lonely for you. If you were able to find a church, you would find an ample opportunity to meet people and make friends. Its important for all of us to have that.