Starting Anew After a Divorce - Looking for a Little Hope

My Mom is finally found the man of her dreams after divorcing my father after 18 years of marriage. She is happier now than she ever was with my Dad.

I typically don't respond to inquiries such as these but when I read your posting I was immediately transported back to the time when I left my first husband. On one hand ending the marriage was such an easy decision to make as we both knew the relationship was dead. On the other hand, I couldn't get past what it might do to my children, being a single mom and worrying if anyone would ever find me (and all that I brought with me) attractive enough to date/be with/marry.

I was also very hung up on "losing" the vision of what I had always wanted in my life: house, husband, kids, dog, etc (not necessarily in that order). It was about this time that my mother pointed out that 'by leaving my (now ex) husband, I would find myself closer to fulfilling the dreams of what I wanted in my life'. In other words, by leaving my first marriage and moving forward, I -- at the very least -- opened myself up to the possibility of finding the "partner" that I so dreamed of finding, of creating a household full of love and respect that I desperately wanted for myself and my children and of finding myself and the someone that would accept me for me. I know now that she was right.

Today, I am happily married to a man that has proven to be a far better fit for me (honest, hard working, involved, etc) than my first husband was/ever could be. He has totally accepted me, my ex/the baggage I came with and my children. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful father and my children love him as they do their own dad. Looking back, I find that making this change was the best thing for my kids and myself.

Just know that there are "happily ever after endings" out there. There are men out there that will accept you and your child unconditionally. When one door closes -- no matter how sad/scary/lonely it may seem -- another opens...you just have to be fearless enough to walk through the new door.

Good luck! Hang in there!

I'm on my second marriage and I couldn't be happier. He is my best friend, we split the housework, he comes home from work and takes over diaper changes! He's really amazing. When people talk about how thats a "typical man" - I smile, because it's not how my guy is. (Whatever the topic - cheating, not helping around the house, etc) I had one child when we got married, my ex signed off on his paternal rights and my husband adopted our oldest son. Since then we've had two more kids. :)

It is out there.

Take some time and work on you. Like the old saying goes - to be loved you have to love yourself. When you're happy with yourself you will attract people to you. Join the YMCA, take some fitness classes or Yoga (positive endorphins!), start taking long walks, consider taking a class or two -- continuing education. Pottery, painting, photography, learning a second language? It can be a fun way to meet people, but more importantly to explore yourself and talents.

You could also look into groups for support.. I've heard other Moms mention "Parents without Partners" and similar. Something like that that will get you around other single parents and maybe some planned kids activities would be great.

A., I will tell you my story. I was married for 9 years. My now ex could not be bothered to be a husband or father so I divorced him. I was 39 at the time and it devistated me since I was 30 when I got married and thought I had waited for the "right guy". Anyway, after the divorce I was DONE with men. Figured I would just run my business and focus on the kids. That lasted for about a year when it dawned on me that my ex was having all the fun and I was not. I was 40 and my life was passing me by. So I started dating. Went on a few dates but seemed to have such a problem meeting men that were on the same schedule as me. So on a Tuesday I said FORGET IT! I'm not dating anymore, its just too much work! Then on that Friday a guy that I casually knew called me to give me a referral. He asked what I was doing that weekend and I said nothing, my ex had my kids, my mom was out of town, and I cancelled the date I had. He said, well, let's go to breakfast. OK! We have been together ever since and married last October. They always say it happens when you least expect it and that is the truth. He is wonderful to me and the kids, nothing like my ex at all. So there is hope. But I would say to focus on yourself and your child, the rest will come in due time. Good luck to you!

I would just like to assure you that it is completely normal to go through the grieving process after a divorce. I would recommend that you seek counseling, an online blog or even just journaling to help you cope and focus on easing the transition for your little one. Once you can focus on yourself, you will learn exactly what it is that you are looking for in a mate and be able to get back out there! Give yourself the time to grieve and heal and know that your feelings are normal.

First of all, just relax for awhile and enjoy being a single person again. You have no one to answer to and you can do things your way. Then after a few months, just take it one day at a time and sooner or later that special someone will come along and things will be alright again. First off, I would recommend not someone you met in a bar. I think the best place is where your children like to be. Maybe you'll meet someone who also is looking to start over again and doesn't really understand how to go about it. Also, grocery stores are a good place. I met my second husband through my son's girlfriend. He is her uncle. It didn't work out for them, but it sure worked out for us, so don't give up. You'll probably find him in the most unsuspecting place. Good luck and hold your head high, just because one wasn't the right one, perhaps the next one will be.

I have been divorced twice. The first time I divorced I let the feelings of loneliness and change get the best of me and I married a man that was completely out of character for me. It was the worst mistake that I have made!! After I got up the courage to kick him out and divorced him I set out to find myself. I have three kids and we are all really happy. The best advice that I can give is to be the kind of person that you want to attract! I want to find someone that is self-assured and is very secure. That is just me and I can separate out all the unhappy people in about 3 seconds. I am not sure how long you have been separated but I have been separated for about two years and I am finally starting to see a bright light in my future. It does take time but just realize that the way you deal with the divorce is the way your son is going to deal with it.

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this now. AND yes, there is always hope!

I got married at 32 years old. I had always wanted kids and thought I would never have them. When I finally determined that I could be content in whatever situation God gave me is when I met my husband to be. He is my best friend and would rather be with us than have the things in life that most aspire for. We're going on 20 years now. There are good men out there BUT they don't toot their own horns so you have to be very attentive and trust your true friends when they tell you if someone is a good guy or not. Best friends come in all shapes and sizes so don't worry about looks. Looks fade and the friendship and love will grow.

A., you are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you and your little one. Don't lose heart! God's timing is perfect.

M.

I only have a quick minute to respond but want to reassure you that there is always hope! There was a woman on Oprah or Ellen who had lost her entire family (husband and 2 small children) through an accident. Oh, I think she was on the Biggest Loser, too. This woman's outlook on life is absolutely amazing. I bet watching her on youtube will be very inspiring to anyone who needs a pick me up. Best wishes to you.

A., there's always HOPE! You are a young woman. You are going through a grieving process, very much like mourning a lost life. Feel the feelings you have and you will get through this and come out on the other side even stronger than you already are. All of the life experiences we have help to form us into the people we will become O. day.

I was married very young, after college (no kids produced) and when I think about it now, I wonder what I was thinking! My life is excellent and happy. I couldn't have a better husband. He was well worth the wait! As my sage, old grammy used to tell me "Be choosy, you can find a loser any day of the week!" LOL
I had my son (only) at age 39 and I wouldn't change a thing. Things happen in God's time, not our time. Best of luck to you!

First of all I am so sorry that yet another man can not live up to his vowes and you are having to go through it. I had a very similar situation. I actually even got married to the same man twice. After being divorced and was sort of doing it on my own and then when he started to do the same things as before I decided that I could do it on my own and didn't have to do this for another 14 years of my life again for my daughter and I. The first time was very difficult for me. I will tell you that writing in a journal every day and sometimes all day long as something came to me helped. Just recently I found them all and threw them in the dumpster. Felt just wonderful to trash my past away of all the pain I had went through. The dating scene is very scary out there for sure. The second divorce I was fortunate to have a great friend of mine tell me that a old high school sweetheart was going through a divorce as well. We took it slow and well we ended up being marred 2yrs later and we now have a 8mth old baby girl. I am 34 and I have a 13yr. old, so I know how you feel in wanting another child. Please remember there are many of us like it out there including men and they have children from a previous marriage as well. My husband has 2 children, so we have a his, mine, and ours. It has worked out just faboulous except the part that I would love to have his children live with us in a more stable home environment. He was laid off for 15mths and has been a stay at home dad and I can't tell you how just him doing that has been a blessing for him, me, and our daughter. Oh and he cooks for me every night. YUMMY!!! You know a great place to meet great men and good for you and your child as well is go to Church. Get into their singles classes. Trust me there is someone for everyone out there, just don't settle this time for sure. Good luck and just keep your head up high and don't let it get to you. Things could be much worse.

Don't fret! I was divorced at 39 with a 13 year old. I ended up falling in love and marrying one of my good friends, who was a major part of my support system when going through the divorce. Then surprise! I had a baby at 44 yrs. old, not planned, but definitely one of the best things that happened in our life. She is now 9 yrs. old and the light of our life. The feelings of loss will ease over time. Things can only get better from here! GOOD LUCK!

There is always hope. I divorced a bad match a few years back. I am now married to a very very good match. The second marriage is better.
If you are looking for something to help you through this, I recommend joining some type of singles group or something similar so you don't feel like you are the only single mother out there.
I enjoy reading so I read the books by John Grey, Starting Over really gave me a new perspective and Mars Venus on a Date helped me get back into dating with less fear. You can even check them out from the library so you can read them free! That way if they do not work for you, you know where the section is and you can choose among them.

35 is young! Okay, this isn't a personal experience, but one of a friend's. Her husband left her and her (at the time) 2 year old son. She ended up moving off base and closer to her parents so that they could help her out with babysitting etc. Now, before I met my husband at 25, I had little dating experience. I always thought that after a divorce, and with a young child, that dating would be even harder.

Jody, has now had 2 different boyfriends in the last 6 months!!! And these aren't bad guys either. One had a young child too, and they only broke up because they lived a few towns away. But the latest is a pilot, and has no children. He seems to enjoy hanging out, not just with Jody, but with her son too.

There is definitely hope, and I'm sure that when you are ready, if you let yourself be open and available, you can find someone.

I have a friend who got divorced when her little one was a toddler, and is now happily married again with two more children from her second husband. Don't worry, you never know what new opportunities might appear now! I'd suggest to just focus on your 2 yo for the time being, this may be a confusing and scary time for him/her. Work on your "family" first - you and your child - you've got lots of time.

Hi A.,
I see that you live in the twin cities, do you ever listen to the lite station? Try listening to Delilah weekday evenings. I kind of stumbled onto her show by accident. I know it sounds corny but check out the show there are so many uplifting stories of love, relationships, starting over etc…. People call in or write letters for advice, some call in to profess their love and some just share their stories . Delilah herself shares her personal story and is a testament that single woman can find love again and they do not have to settle for whatever comes along just because they have children. Its not a religious based show but spirituality and Christianity is discussed sometimes…….
102.9 sun- fri 7:00pm -12:00am
http://www.delilah.com/main.html
Please let me know what you think of the show.
Hang in there, things will be better. Everything will fall into place as it should.