Single Moms I Need Advice

I'm not a single mom although it feels like it but I would sit and take with her. Get a feel of where she's at with dad being around. I would let her do what she feels comfortable, dont push it because he might come to dislike him.

I suggest letting her see her Dad only on the weekends. Plus, don't bring it up. Let her bring it up. If she wants hiim a a lot, give him some custody of her.

It sounds everything is just fine. Most kids act in that manner when a parent isn't always around, they need to build a bond together. Now the real question is do you want the father back in her life because if he's there for her he'll have to have a lot of contact with you. I'm a single mom also but I've learned that children are smarter than we are. My oldest is 33 yrs old and my youngest is 16 yrs old. So good luck, Why would you want him to displine her if he's not always around??

D.,

In essence, he is really a familiar stranger to your daughter. Under no circumstances should he be allowed any type of discipline or real authority over her. He has something to prove to her, that is why she is a little standoffish toward him. He's the one that needs to come around; on a regularly scheduled basis for a good period of time, THEN he can begin to behave as a father toward her. Her best interests can only be served if he is willing to prove to his daughter that he will be a stable, constant presence in her life. The worst thing that could happen is that he pops in and out and still expects to behave and be treated as a father would. I hope this helps you, as I have a daughter who has gone through this with her father. Remember, her feelings come first.

I would first start out by getting all the back-pay in child support that he owes you. Next, he needs to write her letters every week and send her a picture or two, this should go on for a few months. Yes it's drug out a bit, but he NEEDS to prove his staying power and his true desire to STICK AROUND!!!! He cannot keep coming into and out of her life. It is not fair to her and will only mess with her head in the long run. Once he sticks to paying you for all he owes and doing all the letters, I would still stick to supervised visits (maybe in the park or at the mall) for a few months. If he is still around after all of this, then and only then would I even allow other visits.
Just as a note, my father did the same thing. Never paid child support but wanted the once a year visit to "feel like a man". He was in and out of our lives (rarely) until I was 5 then disappeared. At 13 he wanted back in (after he had another family already)We got the phone calls and an occassional card until I was 15 then gone again.
It really sucked growing up knowing that he "didn't want us". I would have rather him have "past away" than have him not want us. Kids take that really hard.
Right now, your daughter wants him, most likely out of pure curiosity. Most other kids have two parents or live with one and visit the other. Kids are curious that way, but to just let him come back into her life after all this time without any "show of good faith" (like paying all past child support) is just dangerous (emotionally). He needs to prove that he is willing to stick around and be in her life forever as he should be and not just come in to see how she's doing every now and again. If he's not willing to do all of this, maybe you should just send him a letter now and again with a picture of her to show her growing up without him and cut all contact.
I hope this helps out.

Hi,

I am a single mom also. I had a child young, then I remarried had another child, and got divorced, so now I am a single mother of 2 children with 2 different fathers. I say all that because I have experience with the dead beat dad, AND a decent dad.

The key to your situation is consistency. Know for sure that the fathers intentions are to be involved in your childs life consistently. If there is any question about that, it will be better for you to wait until she is older, to spare her feelings. Children of single parents are so vulnerable. Once she is older, she will be able to determing her own feelings about her father, and draw her own conclusions based on what she sees. Jst be prepared to really be there for her when that time comes, because she may be crushed.

On the other hand, if you know for sure that the father will be consistent, then allow her to be involved in her life so that they can establish that bond while she is young. Girls can grow up to have relationship problems, with other men, and with you (especially during teenage years) due to a lask of relationship with her father.

I hope this helps. Good luck, and always pray about it, then rely on God's answer. Take care.

In my opinion you and your daughter's Dad should sit down with your daughter and have a talk about this situation. Explain to your daughter that this is her Dad, that he loves her, and wants to share in her life. Also, invite your daughter's Dad over so she can see that you and he
are friends. The three of you go get an ice cream, go to the park, etc. Good luck.

How old is your daughter, around four or five? Also, how "recently" are we talking about?

I would not allow him to, as you put it, "put his foot down" to gain her respect. The way he should have gained her respect was by being in her life during her formidable years, not only as a disciplining parent, but as someone she grew to know and trust and realize looked out for her best interests and cared about her. You can't just come into a four-year-old's life and expect to step into a traditional parenting role, they're going to make you work for it (heck, they make US work for it!!!) Why should he, an adult, expect a small child to give him the time of day when he didn't bother to do it for most of her life so far?

If it were me, I'd let her come around on her own, but I would start out with some very decisive actions. Whether you and her dad were married or not, I would work out an actual custody arrangement if I were you, so that everyone (your daughter included) knows what to expect. I would also sit down together, and then with her, and define the relationship. She should not be expected to jump into a traditional father/daughter relationship with a total stranger. He's gotta earn it. By her age, most fathers have earned it by being there for their kids, even if they weren't physically there, but he hasn't done that, so he's gotta take his time.

And it's just me, but under no circumstances would I require or allow her to have overnight visits with him until she's comfortable around him. Stick to playdate kind of visits for now.

When she's with you, be encouraging, don't bad-mouth dad, and remind her that she doesn't have to immediately think of him as Daddy, but she is expected to be polite, as she is with anyone else.

Good luck.

Single mother also. She does not know who he is. If he truely wants to spend time with your daughter, he should be willing to do whatever it takes. Allow him to come over with both of you. Go to the park together or play in the yard. They need to build some sort of bond between them but not by forcing the issue just because of his title, "father". A real father would not have been gone for this long! Kids do not recognize titles, only love, affection and trust. Allow them time to get to know eachother. If he goes back to court, he will gain that right, regardless of how we feel about it, but your daughter needs the opportunity to bond with him.

I am a single mom to and I understand all of what you are saying about your daughter but I would let her come around on her own.My daughter was like that too and I let her dad come back into her life and now she really don't wanna listen to anything I have to say.She is 6 years old I have to tell her more than one time to do something then she do it.She also told me that she only have to listen to him not anyone else.Good Luck

Forcing anyone, including a child to respect someone who is a stranger to them does not usually work out. You wouldn't force your daughter to respect someone who is a complete stranger, and this is pretty much the case here.

Because he is her biological parent does not make him a father. To qualify as a father takes much more, as you well know, as a single mom. It takes time, love, patience, devotion, kindness and much, much more.

The very best thing you can do for her, is be patient with her, kind to her and give her as much time as is required for her to trust him, if that is to occur at all.

And remember the next time she asks for him, handle it like any other thing she asks for but can not have. Like the toy at the store, explain to her that she can not have everything she wants the moment she wants it, reassure her that there is a time and place for most all things and you will be happy to sit with her and talk about it.

hard call! i notice that when i'm not around my kids, they act differently, not so clingy and whiny, b/c they know i'm their pushover person. has she spent time doing activites alone with him? i bet if you weren't there, she'd act differently around him. give it a shot! i'm talking about just taking her to the park for an hour, or for ice cream. i think their relationship would improve with some alone time. good luck!

Your daughter is not really being "distant" from your X!
What she is wondering in her 3 year old mind is why he isn't
there all the time? Then when he is there, she has a shield
up to try and keep from being hurt, she is afraid that since she hasn't seen him for 11/2 years that he will dissapear again!
You and your X need to sit down and talk to her, at 3 she
doesn't understand "Divorce"! She just knows that YOU are the
only one who is always with her. You and Your X also need
to talk and make sure that this isn't just a passing whim he
has and that for the next 30 or 40 years he will be there for her!
They need to spend some "Quality" time together, just the two of them, parks, zoos, museums ect.

You can't force this. Love and trust take time, and if they want a good relationship then you have to take it very slow. She likes having him in the picture, but she obviously doesn't know him yet and hasn't had time to build a relationship. Take it easy and it will come.

I've been there and paybacks are hell aren't they? You can talk to your daughter but putting your foot down will not let her work through her feelings for "this man" that, all of a sudden, decides he cares. She's going to ask about him because he's her dad but he's also a stranger. She will need to work through her feelings in her own time but you can help by being her friend and mentor.

You should slowly introduce him to her again. Everything needs to be structured and have some order. He needs to visit with her at the same time and slowly he gain the respect of a daddy. I have the same problem with my kids. There father wont let me see them at all. When i do make contact with them the only thing i can do is send them care packages and every once in a while my family will secretly let me talk to them on the phone. Everytime i talk to my three year old we were seperated about the same time 1 and 1/2 he asked to me to buy him stuff. I dont spoil my kids that is the only thing i can do for them. But this is how kids pick up on things.and the relationships build or don't build for that matter. He wouldnt listen to me for nothing. Thats not how he knows me to respect me like that. A daddy is what you make it. and your son hasn't had one. He has to do it over time and if hes not there over time then it cant come.

Surely he must understand that he is a vertual stranger to him. No matter what your situation with the ex is but she must learn to respect him as her father. I was divorced when my children were grown and that was not easy because he had been such a cheat, but my kids never and still don't know that. You must show him some sort of respect, as hard as that might be. Try to spend time with the 2 of them and let her know you respect him as her father. All the junk is between the 2 adults, and she needs to become comfortible with him as her father.

Your daughter's father is basically a stranger to her.She needs time to learn to trust and respect him. No one can just expect her to open up to him quickly. Give her time and allow her to feel comfortable around him on her own without forcing the issue as this will only make the situation worse for her (and you) in the long run. Children are great judges of character, sometimes it is a good idea to follow their lead.

Hi, I am not a single mom, but i do come from a broken home. I also have friends that are single mothers and have seen first hand what it does to kids.All i can say is if your daughter's father is serious about being in your child's life and won't leave for another year or so...then he should not let his 3 year old daughter walk all over him. If he thinks he will be in and out of her like....he's better off out completely otherwise it can ruin the child. She might end up acting out when she's a little older and disrespecting him even more. She could even feel unwanted and could mess her up psychologically. Try talking to your ex and tell him you really want him to be a part of her life but its best for your daughter if he didn't keep disappearing for years. She needs her father and she needs to respect him too. Hope this can help.

I would say that your daughter in her own way is testing her father to see if he is for real. Kids no when you are genuinely interested in them or not. As for dad, he shoudl just wait until she is ready to accept him. For every time she acts out, he needs to show her that he loves her and won't leave her again. And for you, I just want to encourage you to keep trying.

Hello D.,

I know that this is a hard this and can be very frustrating at times... I have been there. My ex did not really want to see our son until he was about 4 or so. We had the same issue, my son didn't really want to see him all the time and when he did he didn't want to listen to him. My ex would become angry and tell me that I need to tell him to listen to his father and respect him and so on and so on. I did tell him to a point. I told my son to listen to him and respect him as an elder... But you can not expect to use the PARENT card!! He has not been a PARENT until now! Eventually my son came to know his father as DAD and listen to him when he said, "I am your father... or what ever other authorative phrase he used... But seriously I would talk to your daughter about how she should listen to his "requests" becuase he is an elder,,, like Grandma, or a teacher, or caregiver... But I wouldn't really stresss the whole parent or father thing.. It is all very new to them.

Your daughter should treat him with the same respect she should with any adult, but give her time to trust parental decisions. Trust is usually earned, but don't make the mistake of showing a divided front in front of her, discuss issues without her present, so that she knows the 2 of you are on the same page. I am a single Mom of 4 children plus 1 grandchild, who is remarrying her x husband after being divorced for 6 years.
Best wishes
R.

"Putting his foot down" will only instill more fear and resentment in your child. When adults make choices, children always pay the price. Your child is the barometer in your home. When things are changing or uneasy, they reflect that change.
That said, if dad is really sincere, and is ready to grow up and be a dad, then both of you must be patient, while your child goes through this change. These are the child's questions in her mind...who is this person and why do they want to be here? Why do I see him and then he goes away? Does he go away because he doesn't like me?...it really is very simple for a child... if you are there, you must want to be with them. So when dad comes around after an absence, she is a little miffed that he was gone. This happens in lots of families, not just single parent households. If dad works and goes away, then when he comes back it is unsettling.
For your child, a regular, loving pattern with dad being there and begin truly interested in your child will build a lifelong relationship. Good luck, because it is priceless having two parents loving and guiding you. Being a mom of three, grandmother of two, and retired teacher of preschoolers there is no finer job you will ever do that is more important than raising this child. Such a gift!

Well I am no longer a single mom (I was for 14 months) but I definitely see a common ground in our story. My 3 year old son's dad has just started to come back around as well. Your daughter needs to listen to her daddy BUT not if you think that he's a bad influence. You gotta ask yourself a few questions. Did he come back for his sake or her sake? Does he want to be a father because she's "his" or because he is "her" father? See kinda what I'm saying? As long as he's a positive influence on her I think he should definitely make limits with her but start out slowly and spread out. She's not going to automatically respect him but she does need to listen a little bit..and as time goes by, a little more and a little more.

I see it that you're very lucky to have someone to want to be in your child's life. For I, am not so lucky. He's wanting to come back for the wrong reasons...because my son is "his" son too..more like a possession than a son. Me and my husband are working on termination of rights because he's a violent person.

I really wish you a lot of luck. These situations are extremely difficult and painful to deal with if you're making choices for someone other than yourself. I hope I was of a little help hon.

Thanks
Shaena

Does he have any legal right to see her? Is he worth being in her life? What is he like with children? Do you know him very well? Is he a safe person?

I am asking you these questions so get your mind prepped on what is really going on here. Why now? Why does he suddenly come into the picture now?

Your daughter, at age 3, may like the idea of having a daddy, but when she is around him, maybe she is not comfortable with him - YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT. I would watch this carefully as children sense things that us adults don't or can't.

Also, she doesn't know him - is she usually shy like this with strangers? The answer here is a big one to give you insight.

My advice, having been a single mom with two kids before, is to test this man. Make him be patient and wait things out. Possibly ask him to attend counseling with your and your daughter so that the counselor can witness things. Is he willing to be responsible here - such as being willing to do whatever it takes FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, to help HER feel comfortable and ease into this? If he shows dedication and commitment here, acting like a responsible parent, then I would take things slowly and proceed. If he isn't willing to do this - what is he wanting from her? Sounds like it's more about HIS needs rather than your daughters' needs. Know what I mean?

Good luck to you - listen to your heart - and your daughters' heart - that's where you'll find the truth always. Not easy, but important. You know what I am talking about - when you think of your bond with your daughter - you know in your heart what is right and wrong.

Alli

I am not a single mom but I am a mom of three. I know how kids can play sides to get what they want. I think you need to examine the way you act or the things that you say about the father when the child is around. She has probably already picked up on your feelings for him and acts the way she does with him because of it. Let her develop her own opinion of her father. Don't let your daughter play sides when she wants her father she is using it as ammunition against you. I know the father has been out of the picture for a long time but if he is goin to be a part of her life now she will need to learn to respect him like all adults. I hope this helps. God bless!

Dear D., allowing your daughter to have a relationship with her father is something you won't regret! Even if he turns out to be a disappointment, what your baby will see, is that you didn't keep her away from him(on the contrary).And if he turns out to be a good father, she will be thankful and blessed.

No, he cannot just come back in and expect an instant relationship. He must build a relationship with her FIRST - and the only foot putting down should be to avoid imminent physical danger to her or others. Once they have a well established relationship, he will naturally carry more "authority" with her --- but if he just comes in as an authority without any relationship he can kiss the chances for any relationship good bye.

Do not do the yo-yo game with your daughter's emotions regarding her father/your ex. Either he stays or he's totally out. Maybe they could have dates or all three of you could go on dates. To the park, for an ice cream, bicycling...

I have actually had the same experience with my son and his father. You want her to have the opportunity for her to make her own decision about her father. It is ok for him to correct her if she is being rude and smarting off to him but he can't get upset with her if she is just uneasy around him. If he hasn't been around he has to expect that she doesn't know him. If he is just coming back around then she has to have the opportunity to get to know him and he's going to have to understand that father or not he wasn't there. She would act the same if she was around any new person. If he tries to force her to like him then it won't happen. And you can't make her like him. All you can do is explain to her that he wants to spend time with her too. You might even want to start off with taking her to a park and him being there or him having short visits then work your way into longer visits. You want them to have a good relationship but you also don't want her to be scared. My son and his father still have a strained relationship but there are times that my son wants to be with him. All you can do is support your child and try to help them through it. Hope this helps. By the way my son is almost 7 so it's going to take a while.

Hi There,

You need to setup a schedule for your daughters father. I believe a child needs to know both of the biological parents. As this is a new situation for you and your daughter I suggest to start out slow. Pick a day that works best for both of your schedules. Get your daughter excited about visiting her father. Your daughter picks up the emotions from you. Once you notice her warming up to her father increase the visits. What is most important for your daughter is for her to know her father. If he turns out to disappear again you know in your heart you are trying to doing the right thing. She will learn once she gets older the true colors of her father. The schedule is important so you and your daughter will know what day is a daddy day.

I have a step-daughter and it has not been easy making sure everyone gets along for our daughter. We had horrible visits in the beginning with her. She would cry for her mom but things settled down after 30 mins of being with her. As soon as she warmed up it was time to go back to mom's house. This is going to be new for her. It will be emotional but it is the best thing for her. A little girl needs a mother and a father figure in her life as she is growing up.

My step-daughter is 8 years old and she has a excellent relationship with her mother and father. She loves her life. Both her mother and father are extremely involved with her life and she loves it. It will not be easy but some of the best things we do in life are not easy.

take care

T

As a single mom to a little girl, I completely understand your situation. It's going to be hard for her since her Dad has not been a part of her life. It will probably be a while before she listen's to him because you have been the authority figure for her all these years. Don't let him put his foot down because that will only develop a fear-respect bond and it won't be good in the long run. Set play dates where all 3 of you meet up. Having you around will make it more comfortable for your little one. This will probably need to go on for a while. After all, he's been gone 1 1/2 years. Also, encourage her to talk about him at home when its just the 2 of you. It will be easier for her to open up to you. This will all take time, but if HE really wants to be a part of her life then he will deal with it! Good Luck!

Being a mom that has been in your sitution before, I would caution you and say to let her come around at her own pace. Don't push her and make it clear to him that he either needs to be in her life or out. Kids need consistancy and he needs to make a choice, now and stick to it. I had to have my son's dad make that choice as well.

I know it is rough and I wish you luck!!

Well D., first of all, we have to understand children mimic what they see, hear and feel. Just because you are longer in a relationship with him, doesn't mean not to teach her to respect him. If you teach your daughter to love her father period, that is what she will do. We all want to be loved unconditionaly, but we put conditions on how we feel about others. That is her father, and nothing can change that. The bible says we are to honor our parents, it doesn't stipulate a certain kind of parent, it just says " children honor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you." Now that is one of the ten commandments. There are some things you may have done in your life that required forgiveness, well, now it is time for you to forgive someone else. When he's not there, just speak positive things to her about him, and prepare her for his visits. You can help her get excited about daddy coming to see her. Please don't be bitter, that won't help the situation, it may even make it worse.

Hi D.,
I heard this particular advice when my son was a baby and adopted as gospel. Please, always allow the child to decide when she is ready. This person, although her father, has not been around. She is still too young to know and does not have a bond to know if she can or can't trust him. If you force the issue you could violate your child's personal boundaries and inadvertantly show the child to not trust her own instincts. Especially,for a girl this is important. Perhaps worse, is that IF something were to go wrong, she would feel that you lead her there and compromise the trust she feels in you: the ONLY parental figure she knows. Begin with supervised visits and allow her to proceed as she gets comfortable. You want her to have the ability to trust her own instincts. Her father as an adult should want what is best for her and respect it. He should be able to deal with a little ego bruise until then.

Thats so tough, my first instinct would be to heck with him, but he is her father and kids need that , even if he is just now coming around after being a loser for 1/2 her life.

She'll never respect him until you allow him to be a father to her, and right now she probably just needs reassurance from him that he isn't going to disappear again.

Does your ex husband have joint custody of your daughter? How does he treat your daughter when he is around her? Is he loving and caring does he play games with her like rolling the ball to her? Is he really making an effort to interconnect with her. I would give it alittle time for adjustment on her part. If she starts having real problems with him emotionally,If you have medical insurance from work you could then take her to see a child psycologist.

It is important for her to know he is to be trusted. You should always be around when he is if you possibly can and just re-inforce what he says when he says it...when he tells her to do something, just say, "listen to your Daddy." You don't want him to frighten her or "put his foot down" now...he hasn't been around enough for her to develop a loving relationship with him. Her behavior is normal. My kids act the same way after my husband has been on a military deployment after a long time. She also probably doesn't understand why he is back in the picture and is old enough for you to talk to about it. She needs to know he loves her and wants to spend time with her and that he missed her when he was away. You should also be as sure as you can that he isn't planning on taking off again out of her life...that can be really detrimental to her once she establishes a relationship with him. Good luck and take it slow.