Don't Know What to Do - Riverdale,IL

Let the child make the decision - she must have some feeling. You can

Updated

Let the child make the decision - she must have some feeling. You can

Updated

Let the child make the decision. You can suggest that "We" can visit with Daddy (or whatever she calls him). There must be some reason she has negative feelings about this. Whatever you do, DO NOT let him take her out of the country. There have been numerous problems like this. And, Haiti is no place to take anyone at this time.

What a difficult situation for you! It sounds like staying with her when she is with her father is a really good idea. Just be firm when you tell her father this, and follow through, and perhaps after a few visits she will feel more comfortable.

that's a tough one. Have you tried family counseling together?

I have many thoughts on this one but don't really want to give you a general idea on them because it really does matter everyones personality and such. As a mom, I would say go with your gut feeling on how to handle it.

I would insist on doing things together for awhile...6 months or more! Certainly she is scared and uncomfortable at the thought of being without you. I think you also need to spend time with him to be able to asses him, his intentions and just his general attitude and environment. I know he is her father but at this point you have no idea what kind of guy he is anymore. Be cautious and thoughtful as you decided what is right for your daughter. God Bless!

You sound really stressed!! First I'm glad you stopped buying gifts for her from her father and making excuses for him. I know it's hard to see it and you're protecting her but you're doing her no favors. You can't make him step up and be a dad in the right way if he doesn't want to. She is old enough to know how she feels and it sounds to me like she may be angry for him being absent so much, regardless of the reason. Children aren't dumb, and they will believe that "working" means he doesn't want to see her, even if he in fact does have to work. If you are not married to him anymore, don't make it your problem to ease that relationship for her too much. If he really loves her he will need to get with it and understand her feelings about this and respect them. Too bad for him he didn't step up and do what he needed to do in order to preserve his relationship with his daughter. You are absolutely right not to force her. He needs to abide by your wishes for your daughter and see her with you to get to know her and maybe you'll understand why she feels uncomfortable, OR she'll mature enough to express what the problem is. Good luck.

I'll try to make this short. I have twin boys whose father hasn't seen them since they were 3 months old, and they're 5 years old now. He hasn't called or contacted us in any way. I just recently started getting some kind of child support from him. I don't think he's really interested in their lives. And if he does show an interest later on in their lives, I don't see them caring for him at all. For starters, I've since gotten married, and the man I married, they call Dad. So, they have a good dad in their lives. I figure if they want to know the truth about him, I'll tell them. I'm not going to lie about anything. They have the right to know. If he does someday ever show an interest, but they aren't interested, then I'll tell him that they don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't think it's right to push kids to have a relationship with someone that they don't want to have a relationship with. Anyway, that's just my short little story and opinion on things. I hope this helped you in some way. Good luck!

in my opinion if he had true interest in her hed call more than every few months and he would make sure he helped in raising her. I would take her not wanting to see him as a sign. I would let him visit her at the house, you guys could go somewhere together, you can take her to extended family functions, but until he starts acting like a father he has no father rights in my opinion. sorry but him calling 4 times a year when she is 9? She probably has interacted with her janitor at school more than that. Would you let him take her out for the day? This guy is a stranger and if he wants to be a father than he should act like a father, especially if he has no job and lives relatively close. I find it hard to believe he can only call every 3 months.

I was divorced from my oldest daughter's father (she's now 24), when she was 1 1/2 years old. When we got divorced I too had to go after him for child support, there were many years I did not receive the support, but I continued to go through the courts until I received it on a regular basis. I told me ex when we got divorced, it was his choice as to how much he wanted to have to do with his daughter as she grew up. IF he wanted to see her, I would never not allow it due to him not paying support or any other reason. Long story short, he chose to not have much to do with her, her entire life. Now, at 24 years old, my daughter doesn't really know him & he has no clue as to who she is. She's comfortable with it. If there was ever a time she wasn't comfortable being around him, I would never force the issue, as you have said your daughter is not comfortable. If he wants to see her, I would suggest he begin talking to her on the phone first, and let her get comfortable talking to him. If she's comfortable with having him to your home (and your comfortable with that), give them space in YOUR home to visit & get to form a relationship. Take the cue's from your daughter & respect her wishes. Your ex should respect her wishes as well. On another note, whether your child has anything to do with the ex & his family or not, speak positively of that side of her family & share things that are part of her heritage. I did this with my daughter, and although she has no real relationship with her father, she is very close to her grandmother (her father's side). I'm proud of my daughter & how well adjusted a person she has become & you should be proud of your daughter telling you she's uncomfortable. Good luck to you & your family :)

I don't think you're confused. You sound pretty clear. Trust your own instincts. Do NOT let her be alone with him. Trust her instincts. Help her trust her instincts. Even if she says nothing happened, it doesn't mean it didn't, or won't. She's not comfortable for a reason. She knows she shouldn't be alone with him. Don't take that power away from her.

Bottom line, he and his family are strangers to her. At her age, she does not want to be with people she doesn't know or trust. Don't force the issue. Invite him to come visit with her at your home while you are in the house doing something else, but within earshot of the conversation. It's up to her as to whether or not she wants a relationship with her father.

Having said that, you both need to move-on. He's not going to "catch-up" on his child support payments and you have both put your daughter in the middle of an adult issue. Wipe the financial slate clean and let him move on with his life. You should be proud of your ability to care for your daughter on your own.

In my state, visitation and support are two COMPLETELY different issues. Even if he never sees her again, he is obligated to support the life he has created until she is 18. He needs to clear his debt before he can get his career underway REGARDLESS of whether he sees her or not. If he is SO very set on "spending time" with her, let him pay to take YOU to court for a structured visitation schedule. I wouldn't force her to go alone or overnight with him if she is uncomfortable.

I would bet any amount of money that she can sense that you just aren't happy with him as a person. As a child, I knew my mom and dad divorced and from a very young age, I never remember her talking bad about him, but I so hated him (more for hurting her by getting a divorce)... kids are very keen as to who their parents like and dislike (even if you don't say a word).

Not that you can wipe the slate clean (as I don't think it's possible), you should never consider doing so. Guys have to start taking responsibility for their actions. I do however know it's an Illinois law that you can't forbid him to see her simply because he isn't paying child support - so be careful.

I would go with your plan, see if he'd be willing to meet you guys together and then slowly transition over. But, let her decide.

Good luck.

Stick to your guns & tell him if he wants to spend time with her than it needs to be with you there. When & if she ever feels comfortable enough with him, then he can spend time alone with her. I would not under any circumstances let him have an out of town visit.

Hi M.,

I think this question really should be directed to your daughter. It is her decision to make based on her experience and comfort level with your ex-husband. From what you said, he sounds like he is the biological father and that is pretty much it. There is so much more to relationships and your daughter knows that. I always try to put myself in my children's shoes to see how what I am asking of them would make me feel. I really believe that kids are little people and that they deserve the same respect that we give anyone.

As you said, I think having you join them on the family outings is the best option. That way, she is exposed to his heritage while being comfortable having you there alongside her. :) And again, I would ask her whether this would be okay with her....she may still want nothing to do with it.

Good luck and Best Wishes! :)
K.

I know exactly how your daughter feels. The same way I felt at age 9. She knows what type of person her father is, and that he doesn't care about her. Your daughter is old enough to understand what's going on. One of the things we tell our kids when were teaching them about dangers is to trust their gut feeling and listen to their inner voice. Your daughter is telling you what her inner voice is saying. Don't make her go with him unless you legally have to. Go back to court and have his visitation rights removed.

Listen and follow your childs lead there's a reason and she's not just ready to fill you in or she's not sure of what her true feelings are. She may have even picked up on her fathers lack of concern and responsibiity towards her. Children are MUCH more atuned to whats going on than parents think. Go with your childs gut instinct.

He has to understand your child comes first.. NO child should be forced to go somewere they are not comfortable.. I would just keep telling him that he needs to be around more & do things were she is comfortable.. Good Luck

I agree with you, I would do things together until (and if!) she is comfortable. At this point, she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her. It's perfectly reasonable for her to feel weird. Don't push her to do anything she doesn't want to do, and explain to her father that doing so could ruin whatever budding relationship they may have. Good luck, and trust your instincts!!