Single Mom Struggling Needs Advice

It's not just divorced parents, my kids have talked plenty about how they wish I would go to work so Dad could stay home with them. The primary caregiver gets a bad kid rap for discipline and chores and homework, etc... try not to take it to heart.

As far as my experience, ALL kids of divorced/separated parents do this!!!!
It is not a reflection of you. They all use this to manipulate, to get a reaction. Don't fall for it.
If Dad has less time with your daughter than you do, you need to know that he is going to want to make his time as positive and happy as possible, so that she will look forward to it and remember it. This will mean special outings and treats and fun. As a primary custodial parent you will have the overwhelming burden of discipline, rules, homework, etc. In exchange for this burden you get more time with her. It's very hard, but it is good for her, and when your daughter is older she will know how much you struggled, and she appreciate it.
I saw an episode of a show about a single Mom, in which she complained about how her son called her ex's house 'The FUN House'. Then she mentioned this to her ex and he said, You know what he calls YOUR house?...HOME. He talked about how it's great to go on fun vacations, but no matter how fun it is, sooner or later you always want to go HOME.
Now, this is a TV show---but there is so much truth in that.
Be strong!!! Sometimes bad behavior is a reaction to change...kids have trouble with big changes. They don't understand their world very well. Forget your insecurities and trust that your daughter can love both parents and also manipulate both parents. :)

She most likely calls for her dad when you don't let her have anything she wants, because her dad is not doing his job as a parent. It is a parents' job to deny her things she shouldn't have, and to provide the boundaries she needs on her behavior. She may act like she prefers her dad, especially if you let her see how upset it makes you, but when she gets a older, she will understand that you did the work of parenting, and her father did not care enough to do it. If it is possible to keep seeing the counselor occasionally, you might want to continue. It is so helpful to single parents to have someone who can look at the relationship betweeen you and your child objectively, and give you the feed back you need.Good luck.

Great response from Rae. In addition, you could check out HandInHandParenting.com. A great group that saved my relationship with my daughter. Good luck!

Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a Mom! A Mom who truly act on her well being, and not just for short term feel-good moment. Your child will grow to know the difference between you and her father, but for now, she just tries to get her way. She is smart! But you are smarter. She does need limits, she does need the "no"s, she will be upset, but she will recover.
My younger daughter, who is an adult now, told me on numerous occasions, how happy she is I was "a bad Mom". What she means is that she does remember those times I did not give her what she wanted, and she remember how upset she was, but now she sees the whole picture, and she knows what she had learned, and she is thankful.

I want to support you, validate your feelings and help you be the best loving Mom you know your daughter needs.

Don't take it personally. You are really the full-time parent and dad is more like the vacation parent. Men also tend to be more hands-off in general. So unfortunately, you might tend to be the one who gets more rebellion from her. That's fairly normal in a situation like yours.

Hey, I'm not divorced, but I've been the main one to deal with my kids their whole lives since I've been the one at home with them, relating to them, disciplining them, pushing them, etc., so dad often seems like a lot more fun to my kids than I do. I don't take it personally - I don't care - I know I'm the better parent.

And I PROMISE you - keep loving her and listening to her, and even if you are the less "fun" parent, she will NOT love you less. You will absolutely not lose her love by giving her boundaries.

Rae W., below, put it very nicely.

YES you're being tested. She's a child, that's her job to test the limits and the boundaries. You're the mom and your job is to keep her inside those boundaries and be the parent. Ya just grit your teeth and get through it.

I'm not a single parent ... exactly ... but my husband is in the military so I've been a single parent off and on, even though I'm married. And ya just gotta make sure YOU keep the control. If you give it to her you'll NEVER get it back and life can become a living hell. And she WON'T love you more for it. You also need to teach her self-control along the way. Which will come, she's only 4, she'll get there.

My kids and I have a running joke. If they don't tell me they hate me at least once a week either they're sick or I'm not doing my job correctly. Especially now that I have two teenagers. They DON'T actually hate me ... they are just mad that they aren't getting their way. But *I'M* the mama and what I say goes. Period, end of discussion.

But I also pick my battles. Some things are easy to be flexible on, some things we discuss and if they can "convince" me I'll bend, and some things there is simply no discussion on.

Good luck and stay strong cause if you didn't care ... you wouldn't care.

Dear M W,

I call this playing the “mommy/daddy card”, If she was with dad and didn’t get her way, she would probably say she wanted to be with mommy. The next time this happens just tell her this; “You will see (get to be with daddy) in XX days or (at the weekend), until then you are going to behave and do what I ask of you. If you don’t you will be punished.” I would also tell her that when daddy comes he would get a report on how she behaved since he last saw her.

You might even consider making up a “report card”, make it simple so a four year old can understand. For example:

SANDY’S REPORT CARD

Good Day Bad Day Report
MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Write in all the things that were right/good and/or wrong. Give her a star/happy face sticker for good days and an X for bad days. Get her dad involved if possible. Don't give in...it really won't make it easier in the long run.

Blessings.....

I just posted a similar request and then saw yours and had to respond. Seems as if we're in a similar boat. I'm also a single mom though my child spends 2-3 days/wk. with her dad
and she's 2 and 1/2 yrs. old. I'm seeing the early signs of what you described above. And I think you're right. You need to hold the line and be firm with her. Kids need boundaries, consistency and stability. Have you had your child in counseling to talk about her anger?
I'm wondering when is the appropriate age to do that, myself. As I believe it's what is at the root of my behavior issues, as well. I think the kids are unconsciously mad at us for not being with daddy and these tantrums are their way of expressing their hurt feelings over the family being divided. I could be wrong but it makes sense to me.

Of course she will want dad when she is with you! Kids of divorce always see the other parent as more appealing, the old "grass is always greener". Your daughter is going to crave her parents (believe me she is calling for you when she is with dad too) all her life. She loves you both and wants you both. AND she already knows how to push your buttons. When she calls for daddy say something like, "I know you miss him, how about we draw him a picture, AFTER you clean up your room?" or "After you have had your bath how about you call him and tell him about your day?". You may not have pictures of him any more so ask him to copy off some pictures that he has of himself and ones of them together, put them in a small album that she can keep in her room (you don't have to look at it!). Ask him to send an old shirt that smells like him and let her wear it to bed.
Remember, you and your ex chose divorce, she did not. You are going to have to take a deep breath and comfort her when she misses him, and be kind, that is the best you can do.

First of all the wanting dad instead is a game my step sister used to play when she did not get what she wanted. (As you already said) Secondly a child never truly appreciates their parents until they have kids of their own.
Kids seem to go thru phases where mom and dad aren't so bad,
but they have to hold firm when the times are tough. The hardest part for me is giving praise. I get so busy and focused and since I multitask so well it can be very distracting. I am also guessing that when your child is at dads she calls for you. Ask your ex, its probably true.
Stick to your guns, and keep up the good work momma, we need more kids out there with manners and a good work ethic.
W. M.