My Daughter Pulls the "I Miss Daddy" Card When She Gets lazy...help!

Hi M.,
Not much you can do about the visits. The two of you are no longer together, which takes away from the control you may have had at one time.

As for the clean room, it is easy for little ones to feel overwhelmed...it is actually easy for anyone to feel overwhelmed. I suggest giving her small assignments that she can accomplish along with the goal and treat method. Three hours is a long time for a 6 year old to clean. I am sure by that time, her mind has wondered off to every and anything under the sun.

Best of luck to you.
C.

Dear M.,

Well, she probably does miss Daddy. But, never mind that, she is trying to deal with getting away with something with you. She is going to brag when she grows up about how you taught her to do this and that. So don't even think about Dad spoiling her. Go in there and help her out with the room so that she can have dinner, and ignore the doughnuts and ice cream meals. You can't do anything about that. Isn't it wonderful that she calls both of the 'Dad' ? I just love to hear kids say that word. They all say it with such , I don't know, in such a special way. Maybe they say Mom that way too, but I have especially noticed the 'Dad' tone that they use. I am so wrapped up in responding to Mom that I don't notice the special inflection for that too. I even turn my head in grocery stores when I hear 'Mom', and my kids are far away.

The more that you talk about something, the more important it will become in her reportoire of trying to influence you. Did I spell reportoire right? Good Luck, C. N.

Megan V.
First, Congratulations on your new baby. Secondly, a belated congratulations on your anniversary. Thirdly, your daughter won't give up until she is able to speak to her biological dad. I know this from experience. I was in high school and my mother whom has been married to my step father for almost 30 yrs and did not want any contact from my father. Even for the sake of his kids, this can sometimes cause problems if your daughter is not able to speak to her biological father. I don't know how your new husband feels, but you might try allowing your daughter to converse with her father under supervised conditions on the phone. Request that all gift be halted as this is affecting your daughters health, and encourages bad eating habits. Set limitations and boundaries for your daughter so that she knows you are an authority figure in her life. Since her dad won't set limits and boundaries for her you should probably talk to him also so as to keep the same rules as you do in your home. This might make a difference. It is also something my daughter and I used with my grand-daughter when I helped raise her. As long as the rules are the same, then your daughter will behave as my grand-daughter did. She will know this will happen and there will be no other rules that are in play for her life while living at home and her visits with her biological father. I can say this from experience, as I have used this before and it works real well. You might try talking to her biological father about holding visits if she does not change her behavior. She is trying to control the whole situation and this could cause problems down the road if she can use this control later on. Guilty feelings by either parent is not a good thing, so don't allow her to play the guilt card on any of you past or present. Good Luck.

I agree w/the other 2 mom's advice....possibly anxiety over seeing dad & being away from her family as well as feeling over-whelmed by cleaning up her room. We also have a 6.5 year old son & when presented w/cleaning up the huge mess he made, he goes bonkers! Once he calms down, we agree to help him w/some of it but he has to do the bulk of the cleaning since he made the mess to begin with. That said, I think she's attempting to manipulate both you & your husband....something I would nip in the bud immediatley! As all the books say to do, you validated her feelings of missing her dad but also let her know you're wise to her game. I'd say continue to validate her feelings but let her know you still have the same expectations of her & that whining about her dad isn't going to get her out of doing anything she's asked to do. As for what goes on at her dad's house....sad to say, don't think there's much you can do about that. All the sugary food made me cringe but, while it's not healthy by any means, she'll survive a week of poor eating. I don't know if it would help if you spoke to him about the crappy food but when she gets crabby from the lack of sleep & she comes down from her sugar high & is super cranky, maybe he'll get a clue. I'd think at some point the man would come to his senses....after all, I doubt he eats ice cream for dinner & doughnuts every morning....at least I hope not! Good luck & congrats on the pregnancy!

I know you've already conquered THIS battle, nut something to try next time is as follows:

"Sarah, I know you miss your daddy and can't wait to see him. I'm going to miss you so much while you're gone too. Let's spend a few minutes together to work on your room, then we can have Dad (Jim) take a picture of us on your bed and have it printed so you can take it with you on the trip."

Also be prepared for her to pull it again when she gets home in 5 weeks. She will be spoiled and in need of detox- making your life EXTRA ~delightful?~ Have a reward chart already posted in her room when she gets home. This way she can start fresh with all the "Responsiblities of a 1st (or 2nd?) Grader". Have he 1 st reward REALLY easy- unpack and put all your things away either where they belong or in the hamper. Maybe the reward could be going to IHOP or Denny's Sunday Morning, or a small "Big Girl" gift like nail polish or a necklace. Remember that she DOES miss her other Daddy, but remind her that she needs to listen to and respect ALL of the parents.

When all else fail, take a page from my mom's parenting hand book. give them 10 minutes to pick up what they can on their own (or what ever is a reasonable amount of time for the project) then go in with a trash can. Tell her that you will help, but anything you pick up is going in the trash and she can NOT have it back. I tested my mom ONCE not believing she'd do it! After that if I saw the trash can I BEG for 10 more minutes, No matter HOW big the mess still was!

Hope it helps for the future~ J.

Hi M.. It's quite possible that she does get to thinking about things when she's working in there. And the phrase "I miss Daddy" may be code for "I'm upset about the way things are."

But nonetheless, when kids are stuck doing a job that makes them feel frustrated or overwhelmed they sometimes get the blues and start focusing on other frustrations.

At the same time, realize that for a child this age, cleaning a room does seem overwhelming. What she needs is to learn how to break this big job down into a series of little jobs. So to get the room cleaned up, without her getting into overwhelm and stalling out emotionally, go in there with her to "help".

You can take on some small token job to do. But most of your help is to assign small little tasks. "Okay, lets start with picking up all the dirty clothes, and putting in them in the hamper." "Great! Now lets get all the cuddlies and put them [wherever they go]." etc.

You may need to supervise for quite some time. Especially if she's the sort of kid who tends to make a big mess quick. (My middle child is still like that -- at 13!)

But over time, she will get the idea of HOW to clean her room.

What will help even more is if you make the proces fun. Like the room cleaning Olympics. Applaud all her progress. "You did it! Wooooo! And the crowd goes wild!" Pile on the compliments, point out the progress, and so on.

Have either of you ever seen that TV program on PBS "The Big Comfy Couch"? I think they are back on the air. I was able to introduce my 5 year old son to Lunette the clown and her "10 second tidy". We get a kick out of imitating the wacky song that plays as Lunette scurries around to toss all the toys in the toy box.

At the beginning of every clean up session, Lunette always looks around, after a morning of play, and stares with dismay as she hollers, "Hey! Who made this BIG MESS?? ...Oh. Me?" Very funny to all my kids over the years.

Of course, sometimes a child will just feel like testing you with "I'm too tired." or "I dont' feel like it. You do it." And you need to be ready to explain the consequence. The most common technique parents use is to say, "Well, we need to keep this picked up because otherwise when I try to come in your room to put your laundry away or tuck you in at night, I won't be able to get in here. So if you won't pick it up, I'll just have to put all this in a big box [or bag] and put it away in 'time out' until you're ready to take better care of it and help clean up."

Sometimes they say, "Okay." And just put it away for a couple weeks. Maybe longer if that's what it takes. The worst that can happen is she'll realize she doesn't miss all that junk and there will be less to clean up.

Is this I miss Daddy thing new too? Could it be related to 1) she knows she is going to see Daddy after a long period of not seeing him, or 2) possibly the new baby. From reading your message it sounds like she is trying to play the Daddy card because she knows she is going to see him. (By the way she probably will do the same there about Mommy but nobody is going to want to tell you). If she doesnt see him often and its been a while and is only for a week, maybe she is nervous about leaving you (especially cause your pregnant) I would suggest seeing how she behaves a couple weeks after she gets back. If "Daddy" has less rules she may rebel for a couple days, and it may take some time to get back into the routine.

When I was little (5) my stepdad, only father figure in my life, promised he would never leave me. He went on a business trip once and I totally lost it. I was hospitalized for panic attacks because in my little 5 year old head I thought he was never ever coming back to me. Sometimes children take things in alot more than they express.

I think you should not let her slide on her duties but I dont think you should worry at this point.
Best of luck and congrats on the new one.
C.