I am a single parent of one wonderful boy. He is sweet and, well I could go on forever about his good qualities!! I have not had much luck in the husband/boyfriend aspect of my life and so there is no one with whom I would like to add to my family with. I really want more children. I enjoy being a mom and I think that Jaden would benefit from having a sibling. I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on expanding my family in a way that is safe. With all of the STD's out there, I am reluctant to just "hook up" not to mention the moral quandary of having a child the father knows nothing about. I have looked into adoption and other forms of having a child without a partner, so I am aware there are other options. If anyone has any advice or life experiences relating to my question, I would very much like to hear it!
***This is to answer the questions that people have asked about me. I am 28 yrs. old, I have a degree in a very viable and sadly under-filled field. I am a duel diagnosis counselor, I work with people who have a mental illness and a substance abuse/dependence diagnosis. I live 7 miles from my mother, father and 3 aunts all who help take care of Jaden. I have a wonderful group of friends. I plan on buying a house soon. I would not add another child to my life until I bought my house and could financially afford another child. I am not rich, but I do make decent money and my family and friends are more than willing to help out with doctor visits/playdates/ etc. I have a very flexable job with good healthcare coverage. I have not been overwhelmed with being a single mother, I have a great support system. Jaden is in a wonderful daycare, which I plan to keep using for any additional children, as they are fully equipt to care for (most) special needs kids, gifted kids and all the kids in between. As for caring for my child, I have small bumps and learning curves like anyone else, but no major problems- except when the kids get to advanced math (college level), then someone else will have to help with the homework :P I hope this answers any questions. I appreciate all of your advice! Right now I am in the "gathering information" stage, so it will most likely be 6 months or more before I feel I have enough information to choose one of the options.
Have you thought about going thru foster care classes? You could be agreat role model for the young ones that are taken out of a bad situation, maybe even find one that needs a permanent home. Good luck!
i completely understand that the urge to have another child is strong and natural and it is unfortunate that you have not found the perfect man to help raise a family with you.
my concern for your situation is this...being a single mother of 2 pretty much means that you are going to have to work a LOT. meaning you are going to be away from your children anyway. so why have another child just so someone else can raise it?
if for some reason you do not have to be away from your children and you are able to raise them comfortably without the financial aid of the government, then i would say go ahead. it is ultimately your choice. i am just looking out for the child. children need their mommys.
My advice is a little different from others...even though we definitely do not need a man to be happy, a child really shouldn't be brought into this world purposely without a father. Children need father figures, and although many do okay without one (due to millions of different circumstances), it doesn't seem completely responsible to deny them that opportunity purposely. I'm not trying to be critical, this is just my honest opinion.
I do agree wholeheartedly with the foster care idea. You sound like you absolutely adore children, and there are so many who could use a loving role model to get them through some rough times. You could make a huge difference in these children's lives!
I am a single(I do have a boyfriend but I have my own place and pay my own bills)mother of two one is 3 and the other is 17 months. (I don't get help from there father) It is the hardiest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I have to work full time and sometimes I have to work 6 days a week just to make it. It is possible to do I say you need to look at all the aspects of doing this. I also belive that children need to have a father or a male figure in there lives.(there father comes around some but my boyfriend is there most the time) You also need to think of this it would be harder to find a guy when you have two. I assume that you would eventually like to find someone. If you think about all the pros and cons and still want to have another one then I say go for it but it is a big step so think about it hard. Good luck and let us know what happens.
PLease give it more time! What you are considering is going to effect your life, your son's life and at least one other life forever. I don't know how old you are, but Jaden is only 3 and is enjoying being the love of you life right now. We tend to think that "time is running out" when it is really only running it's course. Ideally, you will find the "right man" and Jaden will reap the rewards of having a father in his life, as will your future children. There really are some great guys out there you may be overlooking because your criteria isn't right. Perhaps looking for someone who would be a good provider and father who isn't the best looking or most charmining? I found one late in life who has made my life and my kid's life a joy. Everyone overlooked him because of some external qualities. I reaped the reward!!
Hi, I am in your same situation I am a single mother of 3 year old daughter and been going through divorce for more than a year now and seprated for three since my daughter was born. I looked at all the options of having a child without a father and because I am religious I am leaning more toward adoption. I thought about it a lot and I think it's the best choice for me because if the kid doesn't get adopted normally will stay in the system and never have a loving family. It's also defently the easier option and more acceptable by society than sperm donor. I haven't consider to just hook up with someone that's too much trouble and the father can choose to get involve when it's convient for him. Adoption is a great option also because if you can't afford having an newborn due to day care expense and other u can also adopt a toddler which I am truly considering for the next baby. that's my thought on this issue I really now how you feel I want to have at least another two and tired of waiting for the right man.
Dear B.,
You sound like a WONDERFUL woman and an AWESOME mother. I am a firm believer that a man does not necessarily mean a more satisfying, rewarding life. I'm sure you've already considered the financial, time, etc. commitment another baby or child will make to your family.
We have many friends who have adopted, both overseas and at home. That processes takes at least a year, I think. So your son would be four by the time you have your next child. Of course it's up to you on spacing, but that's a wonderful age for siblings.
You're also probably talking at least a year if you go with artificial insemination. If you want to be pregnant again, I'd go that route since everything is checked for STDs, etc., you have the full background on the donor, and you'll have a professional doctor's team on hand instead of a smoky bar. I've heard that Dr. Gruber is a wonderful doctor to work with. He's helped create tons of babies and has a great bedside manner too.
Best wishes and God Bless, no matter what you decide. And never underestimate the joy and love a sibling will bring to your son. Not to mention the lifelong friend he'd have.
K.
PS - My children love Thomas too. Check out www.cincinnatirailway.com and go to the Lebanon listing for the Thomas in September ride if you haven't already. : )
Hello B.. How about being a foster parent? It could lead to adoption - maybe. There are a lot of children out there that need a home and need to feel loved. Most of the children are placed in foster care for circumstances that they have no control over. Love knows no bounds, every child needs to feel loved, feel hope, and know they are safe. Good luck with your life decision, enjoy.
Having been a single mom (not by choice), I am keenly aware of the demands involved. There are too many variables that you didn't mention to really provide an informed opinion of your situation. You also didn't mention how old you are. Just a few of the many questions you need to consider:
Do you have a support system?
Dependable help from parents, siblings, friends?
Someone to help take care of the kids if you get sick?
Can you support them financially without the assistance of the government or the father? (sperm donors don't pay child support)
Do you have the kind of job you can leave at a moment's notice when the school calls and says they are throwing up?
Are you capable of pulling off all the things a child will need from you by yourself? Everything from helping with Math homework, to coaching sports, to playing Barbies and camping out? It is overwhelming at times when you are doing it alone.
What are your daycare plans?
What are your housing plans?
It's a HUGE sacrifice being a single mom. I know lots of women who are doing it - and doing it successfully, I just don't know many of them who are doing it solo by choice. Many wish they had a partner to help out, just because when you are doing it alone you never get a break and sometimes you just get tired!
Good Luck no matter what you decide.
If your income can support it and you really want to go forward with another child there are options. As I'm sure you're aware this isn't a decision to be made quickly. Adoption is one and as long as you're willing to accept and love a child not born from yourself I think it's a wonderful idea! I have a friend, well actually I'm friends with a couple that used artificial incemination to have their children. They raved about the process; getting to pick the father and not have any ties to him, seeing the father's health and all sorts of other tings about him. There are sperm banks all over the state. You can use the donated sperm of someone unknown or someone you know but don't have a relationship with (as long as they're willing to come in and donate for that purpose) The process, from what I understand, was fairly simple. She just went in after a physical stating she was ok for pregnancy, they implanted a number of embrios, and next thing she knew, they were expecting. I think you get to choose how many embrios they insert and the chances of them implanting are not 100%, but this is all something you'd discuss with your doctor if you chose to go this route. Good luck in whatever you choose.
The safest way is to adopt. There are so many kids out there who have no one, and if you can provide a stable, loving home for one of those kids, that is a wonderful thing to do. Having kids with people whom you don't want a relationship with is, in my opinion, a recipe for trouble because of the risk of STDs, but also there is the risk that you could be inviting someone toxic into your life who decides that he does NOT want to leave. Rotten or not, he would be that child's father and he would have rights. Even the nicest guy can change when a child comes into the world. Not to mention someday that child will wonder where he or she came from. Good luck to you!
.....L
