Am I Wrong to Want Another Child?

Hi K.,
First of all let me say that I think you are to be commended for all you do. To be a single, working mother and a student all at the same time has got to be extremely stressful.

I think you should consider a question. Why do you want another child at THIS time in your life? Okay, hold that thought.

Let me tell you a little about me. I was married at a young age and had a daughter a few years later. It didn't work out and we divorced when she was four. Soon after I met a nice man who had three children, all girls. We dated for 6 years before marrying. Everyone always said, "FOUR GIRLS! Boy you have your hands full!" -- and we did! Anyway, even though we were raising all those kids together, we didn't have any that were ours (biologically). How I longed to have another child. We tried for years to concieve but to no avail.

When I turned 35, I finally got pregnant and had another daughter. Then when I was 39 I got pregnant again (we weren't even trying) and had a son. Everyone thought we were NUTS to be starting all over again when the first group was almost grown.

Well let me tell you, what a JOY to have those two other children. It wasn't until they came along that I felt like a real family. Although I love my step children and he loves my daugther, there is just something special about sharing the bond of having a child together. (Let me say that I am in NO WAY knocking step-kids, as that is more than enough for some.)

So now lets get back to the question, why now. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but are you asking yourself if this is God's will for your life? Sometimes people try to make important decisions for their lives thinking that they know best. What we see is limited. I thought having more kids early on in my marriage was a good idea. It turns out that it would have been disasterous. Our older kids were incredibly rebellious and it would have set a very bad example for impressionable young ones. God knew it wasn't time. As it turns out, the older kids came around and now they are able to be great big sisters to the two younger ones. Don't short change yourself. Seek God's wisdom.

Personally, I think you should wait until you find a man who loves you and your daughter unconditionally. Someone that you can share your life with. Then bless each other with children. Share your lives together. There is no greater joy than to be one with another, then you will have a strong and loving family.

God bless you and very best wishes,
Jen P.

Hi K.,
I'm also a single mother and while I don't feel a need at the moment to have another child-there have been times that I've wanted a little girl to add to our family. I have a little boy who is 19 months old. While I think situations arise that make single parenthood necessary, we both know how rough it can be going it alone. Follow your heart and pray about your needs (if you have a particular faith). I find this brings me the most peace in my most uneasy times.
On another note, I am VERY interested in the possibility of opening an in-home daycare. Could you please guide me and tell me how you got started? I have asked some other mothers on this site who have mentioned they have in-home daycares and haven't received a response.
I would greatly appreciate it. Keep your chin up! And enjoy that wonderful blessing in that little baby girl you already have! :0)
A.

No, you're not alone. I'm a single mom to a lovely little girl who will be three in March. Her biological father hasn't been in the picture since I was three months pregnant. It is tough, but if things were different I'd want another child very much. I moved back in with my parents who are both retired. Although it's hard on us all, they are wonderful with my daughter and living with them has allowed me to work and go back to school.

I know my daughter would love a brother or sister (she's told me) but I cannot do it. I also would love to have another child as I too never envisioned having an only child, but my reality right now is being a single mom to a lovely little girl.

You are younger than me and have so much time. I don't think you should feel rushed or put any pressure on yourself to make this decision now. Friends of mine who have a second child tell me it was like adding four more children. Much more work and time than they ever thought it would be. I think it's so great that you work from home and can be there for your daughter. Getting your teaching degree is also great (that's what I'm doing also). It sounds like you're doing really well. Be proud of all that you've done and all that you're doing and enjoy the time you can spend with your little girl.

I do not think your crazy at all! I am a stay at home single mother of two. My daughters father left as soon as I found out I was pregnant and my sons father is still around but we are an on and off relationship. (He has his place and I have mine, he helps out when he can.) He knows my stand on marriage (I don't want to do it) and he is more of the old fashion. I think he might be thinking about another child and I really wouldn't mind one myself. I know my mom doesn't think I should have anymore but really it would be up to me (and him) and after she saw the baby she wouldn't mind anymore. Point is..if you want another, go for it, single or not. I think it is a little eaiser being single because you dont have to get the "second" opinion on everything but the extra set of hands are missed. Good luck and have fun!

Dear K.,

It sounds like you really have plans underway to become a teacher and work while Sara is in school. I understand the need to want another child, I have three children, two girls and a boy. My middle daughter is exactly 4 years older than my son. I didn't think they would be close, but they are very close, and I think they always will be. My thoughts for you are, that you have time, you are 29 (I'm 36, my son was born when I was 32), get your degree, teach while Sara is at school, and if you don't meet Mr. Right by then, have another child even if Sara is 4 or 5, you can take a leave of absensee (maternity leave)and maybe find a good home daycare for your second child, since you have one now and know how important it is to have a good person watch your child in a home environment. Good luck and best wishes to you in whatever you decide, and be proud of yourself that you are doing such a great job for Sara. E.

I don't think you are crazy. And you sound responsible and resourceful to me. But have you thought about how a baby will fit into your plans? Will it be okay if having a second child puts your education and teaching plans on hold? Will you be able to continue your home based daycare with another infant (if you are licensed, will you still be maintaining the proper adult to child ratio)? You sound happy with your life as it is. Would you truly be unhappy without another child right now? As a single mom with a lot to juggle and some very concrete goals, I would be inclined to say wait a while. See if the urge passes, see what - or who - life brings your way, and review your feelings and your situation in a few months or a year. In the meantime give you daughter lots of love and focus on the joys in your life. Good luck!

Hi K.,
I think you have every right to have another child if you would like to! I am in very much the same situation as you, single mom (though dad has never been in the picture), zero support, work at home as both in home daycare and art instructor so that I can be home with my 4yo daughter. And call me crazy, but I would love to have another one around...sure there doesn't seem to be enough of me to go around now and never alone time for me, but have always dreamed of having 2 children so they could be best of friends like my brother and myself.
I encourage you to go for it, your mother will get over it. And you will be happy to have created the family you've wanted. My only suggestion is to wait until you have your Masters..it will not only free up some of your time, but should you need to go back to work sooner than planned, you will enter in at a higher payscale (always helpful when there are little mouths to feed!)
Good luck, I wish you the best!

I'm a single mother of 2 (5 years old and an 8 months old). It's hard, but I've never been happier. I absolutely love it. It's much more rewarding than hard. I work full time because I have to (financially) but I make decent money. That is the only thing that I don't like - having to work 8-5 and not being able to be with my kids all day long. They like school and daycare, so that helps me feel better. I know every situation is different though. Daycare payments are REDICILOUS. My daughter starts kindergarten this year so that will help a lot. If your going to do daycare - you have to make sure your job pays you well enough for it to be worth it. For my current daycare, I'm paying $800 per month for 2 kids. YIKES!! The baby is more expensive though. The younger they are - the more you have to pay. Anyways - if you think you can do it financially - then why not?

K.,

Have you ever heard of the saying "One is one, but two is twenty." When I had only one child, life was wonderful. My daughter always came with me whenever I needed to go out, she became a great shopper, and there wasn't any stress.

When my son was born four years later, it felt like I had more than two children. The demands on my time and attention increased three-fold. When having more than one child, think about all the extra things that go "on your plate". Caring for an infant, doctor's appointments, the cost of formula and diapers, having two children sick at the same time, etc.

I think it is wonderful to want another child - but it might be better if you wait until Sara is much older so she can be a helper. It is very hard not having another person in the home who can give you a break from the kids. It really does feel like "twenty"!!

Hi K.~
Your situation sounds remarkably like mine. I am single mom to a 3 year old boy, and I want another child too. My son's father and I have an amicable relationship, and my thought is that he would father my second child also. I don't want my son to be alone in this world when his parents are gone. I am an only child, but I have a family network that I am very close to, so I don't feel as though I am alone. My son, however, has only one aunt, and only one cousin, which doesn't leave him with much when I am gone.

Right now, I am working part time, and my mother watches my son when I work. My son's father does provide some $ support, so we are doing ok. I would like to have a second child while I am working part time so that I would be able to spend time with him/her like I do my son. But I struggle with the idea of being a single parent of a second child as well. I don't think my mother would be too mortified, but my father probably would, but like you said, he would be ok once he sees the baby. I kind of fear the perception of everyone around me, but I keep looking at the big picture, and figure I can endure whatever scrutiny I encounter. Physically, it would be tough, but I find that my son is getting easier and easier these days, so maybe now is the time? I just turned 36, and while I may still have a little time to consider this, I don't have much...

SO, I guess I am just writing to say that you are not alone. There are certainly those of us like you out there. I wish you the best, and would love to hear an update from you if you do decide to get pregnant again. :)

K.,

Why shouldn't you have what you want? Don't you deserve it? You are being responsible. You are being a good Mom. You are working hard.

You have to live your life. You don't want to get to the end of it and realize that you didn't live to the fullest. Some people are going to criticize you no matter what you do. And some people are going to love and support you no matter what you do. So, live your life. Chose your advisors carefully.

E.

Hi K.,

You are not wrong to want another child. It is completely natural! And lots of single women get pregnant and have children. You can do the "natural" way or you can go to a Dr for in vitro fertilization. I think it is completely normal. You can also wait to see if you meet someone - you are young and have lots of time to have baby number 2. Join a work-at-home group (there are local meet-ups) where you can meet other people or go to a singles dance at your church or something like that. Who knows - you may just find someone that you want to have baby number 2 with! Don't feel like you are running out of time or that you need to have them close together. I am 39 and had my first child 2 years ago - so you still have plenty of child-bearing years ahead of you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

J.

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If you want to do it, how would you go about getting pregnant? Would you use a donor? I say its your life and if you can swing it, DO IT! You only live once. Just know that its a huge step to take bringing another child into the world. Have you thought about adoption? Or foster care? Just some ideas.

Good Luck

Hi, K.. If you want another baby, and you can do it, why not?
My boyfriend and I are trying to get pregnant again, our son is 21 months old. I do not think you are selfish for wanting another one just because you aren't married. You can still be a good parent and be single.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you'll know what the right decision is.
P.S. I know how you feel when you say you were sad about Sara's 2nd birthday, Evans is coming up, and I can't believe it!! I'm SO ready for another one!!
T.

I don't think you are wrong to want another child at all but to look at the situation financially and logically it is different. This would all depend on when you wanted another child from the looks of your message it seems to be soon. You mentioned you are single who is going to be the baby's father? Would you use a donor? If you do use a donor what are you going to tell the other child when your daughter goes to see her father and he or she asks where is theirs? You are working on your masters and won't be able to teach until 2011, is that because you won't be finished till then or are you going to be finished soon and are waiting until your daughter is in school? There seems to be a lot of variables here. But if it is going to take you that long to complete your masters which I commend you for it takes a lot to go that far with a child but you may have to take time off when you have your second which will set your time table back. You seem very dedicated to school and your daughter but it is very difficult on one income with one child let alone two, I know. I am trying to finish out my school to get my degree in nursing I don't have that much longer left but with having a new baby it was a lot harder to come by baby sitters for two that many days or nights a week. I will not be able to go back until the fall of this year missing two semesters that set my time table back by a year, considering I only go half time. Also with having a new baby in the house it may mean sleepless nights. Will you be able to handle taking care of all of the kids plus the newborn with say 2 hours of sleep? Will you have help from your family and do you already have help? If you do, please don't take this the wrong way but, with adding another child you and the kids may become a burden on them and that's unfair. Please don't take offense to anything I have said but I really don't know all of the information and am going on what you wrote. Whatever you decide I wish the best for you and hope that whatever the decision is you are happy.

Your not wrong to want another child. Not at all, it's only natural for a mother to feel that way especially when you love being a mom to your first child.
Just don't jump in and make a decision too quick in your situation. Really think things through on how you want to have a second child.
It's great that your daughter's father likes to stay involved and because of his involvement I can understand where you feel as using him as a donor for a second child is a good idea. But I would broaden your options a bit before making a final decision. What about adoption or maybe you can find Mr. Right. Maybe you just need to get out a bit and try to find someone else, don't let the fact that guys in the past haven't worked out stop you from getting out there. Adoption is another great option and if your not sure if adoption will work for you try foster care first that way you can see if it could work for you before you jump in and find out it doesn't. I have three adopted brothers who my parents had through foster care first and they are no more or less loved or part of my family than my older biological siblings.
Right now it seems you are managing being a single mom and doing great. You have some great goals set for your life; having a second baby right now will change or post pone some of your goals at least.
Anyway I guess my whole point is explore all your options before you choose one. And think of what would be best for a new baby in regards to a father for the baby. Even though it sounds as you really want another baby right now (and I totally understand that feeling) just ask yourself why you feel that way. If it's for your own feelings maybe it's better to wait a while. Whatever you choose I wish you luck.

No your not wrong to want to have another child. But you really need to look at the bigger picture. It's hard enough to have one child on your own, it would be harder to have a second. Your daughter is still very litte, you are still very young. You have isolated yourself so that you can be a full-time Mom, noble yes, but it isn't very healthy for you. You need to get out there into the world. Why wait so long to get a full or at the least part-time job? Your child will not suffer if you are happy, active, productive and meeting people! There is a whole world out there, don't you want to partisapate in it?
While being a single Mom isn't bad, wouldn't you rather have another child with a partner? Someone to lean on, depend on and share with? Don't you think every child deserves a full-time Dad and the support that comes from him? Having a child is more than "I want" and you know that or you wouldn't be asking. I think to have another child in your situation is selfish. I don't mean to sound harsh, but children deserve a whole family, not just part of one or a family when you can "get around to it". (This is not a comment on divorced or widowed folks.) To find a man that will love you and your daughter and treat you with the care and respect you deserve is enough of a challenge, do you think it will be any easier with two children? Now I'm not saying you have to have a man to be happy or anything like that. But I really do think that if you want another child you should find someone ready and willing to share your life. Call me old fashioned....good luck

All I can say is Pray on it. I had my first child when I was 19, I was single. Got pregnant with my second at 24, we got married. The next two came at age 31 and 36. None were planned but all are very much wanted. They were blessings in disguise. Things some how work out for the best. I swore I was only going to have 2 or 3, and the last two were conceived using birth control, too.