SIL Taking Advantage of Grandma as Free Daycare. Should I Say Something?

I think that asking maybe if she wants to go around the area and look at day cares would be a good idea. I think she's going to need it to be pretty blunt. Some people just think that grandparents= free babysitting 100% of the time. Drives me crazy. Don't be afraid to explain it FULLY to her. you may also need to suggest helping with her kiddo until she finds a sitter for specific days- but don't do it for free or she'll leech off of you next.

I don't even need to read the other responses based on what you said in the what happened section. I have to agree with what everyone else apparently said. You are treading on shaky ground. You would be better off talking with MIL and helping her to see that she needs to set some boundaries or limits.

Personally, I am happy to care for my grandson and My daughter works and goes to school, each full-time. I also run a daycare 7/24. So at times I do get really tired and have to hand grandbaby boy back to a sleeping daughter/his mother and tell her to get up because I'm overwhelmed right then with things to do. I also want to help my daughter and there is NO WAY I could do all of this and classes too. I tried that LOL.

I hope it all works out.

Honestly, I'd back out. This sounds like a really quick way to ruin an inlaw relationship. No one can take advantage of your MIL without her permission, and if she doesn't know how to say "No" by now it's not likely that you'll be the one to teach her.

The closest I'd come is suggesting a good book about boundaries. It sounds like she doesn't have any.

If you want to continue your family to be on speaking terms, I would suggest that you do not say anything.
Support your MIL, when she vents to you, and encourage her to say NO or set limits to her other DIL.
If your husband shares your concerns, then it might be more appropriate for him to address the issue with his brother.

But seriously, from my experience, it's best to stay out of it... you will become the scapegoat for anything that goes awry really quickly. Let your husband handle this one, it is his brother who needs to step in. If SIL makes extra money that "they don't need" because she wants the adult stimulation of having a job (there is nothing wrong with that! Many women feel that way) and she should pay for a sitter, at least some of the time.

Good luck!

I would start by sitting down with your MIL and expain to her that she needs to learn to say NO for her own health reasons. Point out that there are other options for your SIL, she just doesn't use them. And if that doesn't work (if MIL is still saying yes all the time) then I would sit down with SIL and tell her that MIL needs a break for her own health.I wouldn't put blame on the SIL (even thought I think it very much is there) because, from experience, I would guess that she doesn't even know there is a problem. When talking to SIL, just state that MIL has a hard time saying no and is hurting because of it.

I can say from experience that if nothing is said, nothing will change. Someone needs to say something to someone. Just be careful when doing so so it doesn't ruin any relationships. This is your family.

Best of luck.

Has your hubby talked to his brother about the situation? If both of them know how their mother is, then your BIL should understand and explain it to his wife. I don't think you should say anything because it's not your place. If your hubby is very concerned, then he should be the one to speak up to his mom. Honestly, I doubt that your SIL has a clue to how much she is taking advantage of grandma here. As long as grandma allows it, your SIL will remain clueless. If both your hubby and his brother come to an understanding, trust me, if your SIL really dislikes being at home that much with her child, she will find another sitter--they always do.

M

This is a family issue - yes, you are family. However, I don't think it's your place to say anything to the in-laws. With that said, someone does need to say something. It's your husband's responsibility to say something to his brother about it. They're your brother in-law's kids and it's his mom too... You SIL can't take all the blame here - her husband has a huge part in it. Tell your hubby that he needs to talk to his brother because something has to change for THEIR mother. It sounds like your husband is worried about her - his brother should be worried too.

In regards to your side note, if your MIL is so depressed that she tries to commit suicide, she shouldn't be watching anyone's children anyway.

I think it is ok for you to sit down with her and say politely but firmly that grandmas want to be just that... GRANDMAS!! :) They have already raised their own kids and now want the priveledge of "loving and shoving" as some people like to call it. Just bring it up in casual conversation what she is going to do with the kids after #2 comes. If she has a hard time with being home with them herself even when they can afford for her not to work, then they definitely can afford to put them in childcare even just a few days a week. She needs to sit down with your MIL and work out a schedule that works better for her. Then, when it comes down to finding another childcare option- she should interview AT LEAST 5-10 different options. and give her advice to finding the best option for her children (because finding a stranger worthy of watching your kids is TERRIFYING) Give her advice such as- "ask lots of questions! even hypothetical questions like 'if you're outside with all the kids and you have to go to the bathroom or the phone rings, what would you do?' 'If all your day care kids are napping and your child's school calls saying your child is sick and you need to come get her, what would you do'" things like that. Be constructive with your 'criticism' but tell her she needs to be the adult in this situation and realize that her MIL is not cut out for that kind of responsibility, emotionally or physically.

If anything I would have your husband talk to his brother since it is their mother.

This is hard issue for you to be in the middle of and I see your side. I think it would important for your MIL to come forward and speak for herself. If not, the issue will just progress and could become worse once the second baby comes. Has she ever just said "NO"? What about you FIL? Does he have anything to say? Maybe he could help approach the issue? Sounds to me like your MIL has to put her health first and it doesn't seem that can happen. Someone needs to step in, but for future family gathering's...you may want to have your husbands talk to his Dad or his Mom. With a history of depression, someone needs to step in.

Best of luck to you and your hubby!

I like what you said at the end of your first paragraph. The 3rd option. It is more direct. Good luck!

I think the appropriate thing to do is have your husband talk to his brother. It is their mother and it is important for her safety and the safety of the kid(s) that they not use her for babysitting to this extent, if at all. If this girl insists on working that much (crazy if you ask me) then they need to send the kids to a daycare and pay for it. Your MIL didn't choose to have these kids and she already raised her kids so lay off - right?

See what your husband thinks, you will only be the bad guy on all fronts if you try to tackle this one.

Good luck.

I say yes...you need to speak up and say something. If your MIL has came to you venting, she obviously feels comfortable with you. I would do my best to approach the SIL nicely and just speak the truth...that being that the MIL needs a break...whether that means to cut back on the hours and get some days off or just stop being the "go to" babysitter all together.

I think a good old fashion 'Family Meeting' is in order!

I hope all goes well with this. Just do your best to be calm, nice and understanding!

It sounds like her husband needs to take her in hand. Talk to your husband and let him know what's going on. Ask him to have a talk with his brother about what it's doing to their mom.

I think it is wrong to take advantage of grandparents being willing to babysit, whether they are depressed or not. Once in a while is great, but not all the time!! Is your MIL married? If so I would hope that she and her husband could address the issue together. I would not get involved if I were you. It is your MIL's place to take care of this, although you could encourage her to talk to your SIL and explain how she feels.

As someone who has dealt with bad depression, anxiety, and stress, I can tell you that you need to approach this carefully, for her. I wouldn't do anything without talking to her first (if you go straight to your SIL, your MIL could feel like you see her as inadequate or unable to take care of herself). And you want to be careful approaching the issue with her. The fact that she already talks to you about it is a good thing - she probably feels like you're someone that isn't going to judge her for not being able to handle it, and she knows you already know about it. But the first thing I would do is ask her what she really wants to change. She may love watching her grandson but feel tired afterwards, and just want to commiserate. Or she may want a change and only watch him a few days a week. Or maybe she needs more notice, or something. The key to helping here is to understand what she really wants (she may not know, just ask the question and then let her talk it out). Then suggest that she bring it up with your SIL.

I would bring up one issue with your husband and let him mention it to his brother. If your MIL is starting to feel burned out and stressed, and this kind of thing has led to suicidal behavior before, it could be dangerous not only for her but for the nephew. If they (your husband and/or his brother) see any of that pattern emerging, then she needs some sort of help!

Be supportive and loving of both sides of the issue, no matter what. I was on the other side of the coin (except that finances were an issue, most of the time) and when my SIL "intervened" it was really upsetting. She was in a totally different situation, financially and otherwise, and I felt like it wasn't her place to tell our MIL that we should be paying her when we were barely making rent. It's affected how I view the relationship with my SIL even now (years later). So approach the situation delicately, I'm sure you don't know all of the issues involved for your brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

I think it might be up to the husband to say something to his wife. Your husband needs to stick up for his mom and have a sit down with his brother and wife. If you can stay out of the situation it would be better. But if Mom cannot handle this arraignment anymore then she needs to stop sitting for her DIL right now. Its sounds like she needs her time to herself. DIL and you husbands brother need to check out sitters and daycare. Enough of free daycare! Mom has earned her time to do what she pleases. It also sounds like she might need help with this one.