Okay moms, I need your help and advice/insight from an outside source.
Last week, my SIL left her kids (ages 3 and 6 mos.) with my MIL for 5 days while she went on a business trip. (Wednesday – Sunday) My MIL works full-time and did not ask for those days off while she was taking care of the kids…she had plenty of notice as she works from home and her job is very flexible. So because my MIL did not take the time off from work, she then needed help from my other SIL’s, and my aunts and cousins to shuffle the kids around during the day while she worked.
Here’s my problem with the whole situation. Like I said, my MIL had plenty of notice to take work off which means if she wasn’t going to take work off, she had plenty of notice to find other people to help care for the kids while she worked. I got a text Tuesday about 18 hours before she wanted me to take the kids asking if I could help watch them during Wednesday afternoon. I had an appointment right before she wanted me to watch them, so I simply just said that I was busy that afternoon. (I would’ve been done with my appointment right before she wanted me to take them, so I could have taken them)
A little history on the situation: The 1st time my SIL went out of town on business a couple months before this, I was also asked to watch the kids. Again I had less than 24 hours notice and was told I was going to just be watching the older kid. A couple of hours before I got the kids, I was told “Oh, you have to watch the younger one too.” And then when I was supposed to only watch them for 3 hours…it turned into watching the younger one (whom I wasn’t supposed to have at all) for 6 hours because the person that was supposed to watch them after me also didn’t know they were getting 2 kids instead of just the one, so I had to watch the little one for her because she had other things going on where she couldn’t watch both.
Am I being selfish when I told her I couldn’t watch the kids? I didn’t offer because I wanted to make a point to my MIL that if she volunteers to watch someone’s children, she needs to make arrangements ahead of time…whether that be taking work off or giving those people that are going to watch them enough notice.
Any insight would be appreciated. My hubby seems to think I should have offered to watch the kids. Was I wrong?
**I don’t know if this makes a difference at all or not, but I also have two kiddos ages 2 and 6 mos.
Thank you, thank you! For the most part, you guys have solidified my point of view on this one. Unfortunately, SIL is aware of what is going on while she’s on business and doesn’t seem to mind/care. I’m assuming she doesn’t mind because if she did, she could have the other grandparents take her kids while she’s gone as they only live about 15 minutes away. And unfortunately, MIL likes to try to parent SIL’s and my children and my SIL takes advantage of that.
I do understand that it is a family thing to do and perhaps that’s why I’m negative on this one….because this was not the first time I was burnt. Since we moved back close to family a year ago, I can count on more than just my two hands the times that I’ve been watching SIL’s children and whomever is supposed to pick them up from me (whether it be SIL or MIL) is ½ hour to and hour late every time. They seem to think that I have nothing else going on in my life.
And sadly, you guys are probably right about MIL not getting the message that I intended to send.
So in the future, I’m going to do a couple of things. If I am not busy and can handle them, then I’m going to agree to watch them, but also add the “I thought you had it covered, what happened?” or “I can do it this time because I don’t have anything going on, but next time I need more notice.” And if they’re late to pick up the kids, I’m going to give them a polite phone call (if they’re more than about 15 minutes late) to say, “Are you okay? Is there something wrong? I thought you said you were going to be here at X time.” I don’t want to burn bridges with them, but set some boundaries that (hopefully) they’ll respect. However, if they can’t respect my boundaries, then I probably won’t be helping them out.
Nope, you are in the clear! If you MIL agreed to watch the kids and had plenty of notice then it was her responsibility to either take off work to watch them or make arrangements ahead of time not a days notice with someone else!
S.
No, you have every right to decline when asked. If you don't mind, and enjoy watching them, that is great, but if you have other things planned, or the notice is too short, a polite, "I'm sorry, but this time doesn't work out for me." will suffice.
Selfish? not really, but not really the "family" thing to do. If you were in your SIL's shoes, you would want someone to help you out, right? It may have been a lack of communication that resulted in the last minute request, but really 18 hours isn't all that "last minute". I doubt your MIL got the message you intended (especially if you didn't state your reason for saying "no") and you may have given a much more selfish impression.
I would have said yes, but would have followed up with a question like... "I thought you had it covered, what happened? I have an appointment and it will be cutting-it-close, but I can take them for ____ hours". You could also speak directly with your SIL and offer to take them for specific days next time in exchange for some childcare for you!
I think your SIL is completely selfish and I think your MIL is probably completely overwhelmed watching her grandkids for so long and probably needs a break.
Your sister in law sounds like a stinker. She is probably screaming SUCKER all the way to the airport.
Its not your problem that she has a business trip. Has she ever offered to watch your kids for 6 hours? Of course your husband is thinking that he doesn't want to make waves.
I would say you had a prior commit and leave it at that. If your MIL or SIL persist in this matter than you could say please give me some notice and I will be happy to help you out sometime. Ask if you watch her kids could she watch your kids sometime? Tell her 3 hrs is your limit. Be firm but nice. Don't oversay it. You loose ground when you repeat it too many times.
You didn't mention if you work full time or if your a SAHM. If you work that would be alot to ask. If your a SAHM just because your a SAHM doesn't mean your day is not busy. Plus my house seems much messier than my friends that work full time.
Are you friendly with your MIL. You could help her out for 3 hrs do it at her house. After 3 hours she would be happy to have your leave even if your close since there would be 4 young children..that makes lots of noise and mess. I know your probably overwhelmed with your two own young children. Good luck.
Based on what you said about MIL having plenty of notice to either take off or pre-schedule some help with their care and there being a previous instance of you getting roped into it - then NO I don't think you were selfish or wrong. Does your SIL know when she schedules your MIL to watch the kids that she shuffles them around to anyone she can find to watch them, even if they are family members. That wouldn't sit well with me if those were my kids, but that's just me!
Just because someone is a SAHM doesn't mean she doesn't have plans and obligations during a day and can provide free babysitting without notice....
I work FT... My husband works FT... His job requires frequent business travel; mine has infrequent travel depending on whether I have a conference to attend. But when both my husband and I have to travel at the same time, we *PAY* a family friend to stay at our home, take/pick-up from daycare, and care for my child the rest of the time; we leave her medical authorization, health insurance and doctors information. That your MIL agreed to provide free childcare in advance and then pawned the children off on other family members without notice is inconsiderate and ridiculous. That your husband's family members find this to be acceptable and within normal expectations is strange! That your SIL doesn't think it appropriate to compensate you all (on some level, even if its not the going rate) for your time and effort leaves me speechless.
I would like notice. I am not a last minute person, I like to be prepared for things. I do agree if she is the one watching these children then she should take time off to do so. It must be hard on the little ones to be shuffled around. I as a mom would not like my little ones at a different spot each time. Maybe someone can talk to the SIL and make sure she knows how unorganized the children schedule is when she leaves. No one has notice or correct info.
You are not selfish when someone else is being irresponsible. I think you are totally in the right. and I would have done exactly what you did and would have been bugged just the same. :) If she wants to put herself in these predicaments that's her choice. It's not your responsibility to get her out of them. I say don't even worry about it! It's easy for your husband to say to help because he wouldn't have been there. And as great as husbands are, they don't understand how much work it really is taking care of your own kids let alone others. If she brings it up just tell her that had she given you more notice perhaps you could have helped her out, and leave it at that. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone either. :) Hope you have a great day!!! :)
Based on the facts you presented I think you absolutely did the right thing, especially with a 2 yo and a baby.
You also sent a clear signal that your schedule is to be respected and that you will not be a door mat. Great job.
Your husband just doesn't want to look bad to his family. If it were me I'd tell him he needs to keep his focus on HIS wife and kids (and not pleasing his mama). With a two year old and a baby you've got a full plate.
Now if you ever can do it, and it's a positive for YOUR kids, great. But I do believe you did the right thing in this instance.
I say yes and no. Your MIL should plan ahead. However, she may feel that the daughter is taking advantage of her and while she says yes, she wants to say no. If you know in advance that your SIL is going out of town for business and needs the kids to be watched, maybe offer up one day you know you are free and can handle 4 children in one house....or a sleep over with the kids and plan a fun night for all- a family night. But maybe speak to your SIL as well and tell her that whenever she leaves, this is what happens, and while you love helping, you need more notice and advanced planning because of your own little ones. Setting healthy boundary is never selfish- it is for the safety and betterment of everyone around you. =) As for the MIL, ask her if she really enjoys having to parent her grandkids. I know that a lot of times grandparents say yes because they want time with the grandbabies, but they also feel that they have raised their children and don't want to have to do the parental stuff. They say they don't mind, but I know that getting my dad to change a baby's diaper is almost impossible. They want to enjoy being grandparents only, not fill in parents, and so the passive aggressive resentment and lack of planning on your MIL's part speaks to that.
I hope that helps- talk to your SIL, talk to your MIL, and offer one day or overnighter. It may turn out that your SIL needs to make other arrangements. But neither you nor the MIL should accept responsibility if there will be any resentments.
Good luck
-E.
I'm with Erin M. Yes and no – mostly no. It would be great, knowing that your in-laws are prone to this pattern, to let them know ahead of time when you might be available, and that if they want you to shuffle your plans around, they'll need to give you at least an X-day notice. That way you can stay clear about your own reasonable boundaries, and still be a helpful family member.
You may need assistance yourself someday, and if the extended family has become resentful of your non-participation, they may be less willing to help.
Choosing not to help in order to make a point may not work. It could be interpreted as passive-aggressive behavior. If you want to make a point, it's generally best to spell it out. (Refer back to the first paragraph on planning ahead to avoid problems ;-).
good for you for knowing your limits. if you don't mind watching the kids if you have enough notice, i would tell your MIL that. my mom thought that my siblings were all more than willing to help me when i was in a tough situation simply because she was more than willing to help me. she assumed one of my SIL's who lives in the same town as me would fill in when she herself couldn't help. but my SIL doesn't feel the same way. she does not like to watch my kids and even when she asked if there was anything she could do to help and i told her specifically, she never offered to do the things i needed. but i have to respect her boundaries. she is also one who would not want someone to stop by unannounced, but i have no problem with family stopping by any time. we're just different in our preferences of social etiquette. i see nothing wrong with telling your MIL what you are willing to do next time something like this happens.
If I have an appointment, I don't know if it will run late or not. I would have done exactly as you did. You may have wanted to make a point with your MIL, but in order to do so, you're going to have to tell her out loud because some people simply do not pick up on subtle messages.
If I were your SIL, I'd have a problem with MIL when I make an arrangement with her and expect her to be looking after my kids and she's farming them out who knows how many family members.
And then there's your SIL. She might be better off hiring a nanny out right and getting some stability for the kids rather than dropping them off on someones doorstep with little or no notice.
No you are not being selfish. I just was put in the same position and am very angry about it, but it isn't with my MIL. My friend called up and asked if I could pick up her boys because she was taking someone out for their birthday lunch and wouldn't get back in time to pick them up....then she said she was going to drop them off before camp so that I could take them....then I found out that I have to pick them up before camp and pick them up after camp and that instead of just picking them up for her she is planning on going out to a movie as well and won't get home till around 6p.m. so I'll have the kids from 10-6p.m. I didn't say I could babysit or watch them, I said I could pick them up. Anyway, Sorry I wasn't supposed to vent on your note....You probably won't drive home any point to them at all, but just know you are not being selfish, and I wouldn't be home around that time either, because she might just drop them off anyway.
That's not selfish! It's selfish of your MIL to assume that you will handle any part of the childcare when she has offered to care for them. I would guess that hubby is just afraid that this will rock the boat & doesn't want to deal with it when someone (his mom or others) bring on the guilt for you not doing 'your part'. Which is ridiculous - they obviously don't have enough self respect to tell her 'no', but that doesn't mean that YOU shouldn't.
I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to always have an appointment (or give her a copy of your babysitting rates)! :D
Your SIL needs to find a nanny-type sitter who she pays. My MIL works full time, and we are VERY aware of using her as a sitter. If I had to travel for work, we would only use her for a day OR a night ON the weekends, and we would have to have someone else or somewhere else for the kids to go during the workday until my husband could get them. That's the way most people have to do it! If your MIL has something worked out with her -great, but it shouldn't ever fall on you!
You are not being selfish. You are respecting your time and your children. It is wrong of her to assume that you are free. If she had notice she should have lined out a sitter for the kids. I say good for you!
no, not selfish. SIL should have made sure her kids are covered. MIL should have made sure she was covered. and then you. i don't think i would have said yes even without an existing appointment, especially with two young ones at home already.
You did nothing wrong. The kids are not your responsibility, you where not the one who offered to take them. If your mil can not watch them, she should stop offering altogether, not expect others to pick up her slack.
Bummer! And I've been in the same boat. I think what's worked best for me is to pretend it's a random friend, not family, and then I can have better objectivity. I also have a few go-to phrases, like, "Oh sorry--that won't work for me." Or, "Oh gee, we already have plans." Or, "We're going to be out all day and it wouldn't work with more kids." Then sometimes I follow one of these phrases with, "If I have advance notice I can sometimes adjust my schedule, but not this time." Or, "It must be hard for you to be juggling the kids. I hope you can find some help." And leave it at that.
Stick to your guns, and be polite.
I think you did the right thing, you're a good person and you're feeling guilt which is normal but you did nothing wrong. Did the MIL make you feel guilty? You've helped them out last minute before so they now "expect" you to do it all the time. People take advantage of people and just because they're family you don't have to feel obligated to take the role of caregiver when SIL doesn't have her plan better mapped out.
IMy sisters are all single working mothers while I am the married SAHM so they automatically assume I stay home so I can be the first one to help....so not true. My days are hectic and busy and they'll never understand until they walk a day in my shoes. They eventually got the hint and have stopped calling me every last minute to watch their kids. 18 hours IS short notice and like you said, you helped them out last minute before and sure enough, they took advantage of you and kept the kids there longer than planned.
If I EVER need a family member to watch my kids for appt's or whatever, they have days notice and I come straight back to pick up my kids when I tell them I will.
DO NOT feel guilty over this, tomorrow will be a new day and you'll feel much better about everything and hopefully they'll understand they can't always run to you last minute when things get too overwhelming. If MIL can't handle the kids for X amount of days, she needs to make that more clear with SIL.
Take a deep breath and relax....worry about your own family. If hubby feels so strongly you should have watched or offered to, have him do it next time, men can babysit too! : )
1. You are selfish in a good way - taking care of yourself and your kids first.
2. This WILL happen again.
3. If hubby thinks you should watch her kids, let HIM do it he is the uncle.
4. Referencing #3 - time for you to take a 'girls weekend' and leave the kids with him. Nothing like having the full responsibility of childcare to appreciate the one who does it all the time.
5. Sounds like MIL doesn't want to do it but does not know how to say 'No'.
6. Tell SIL to make a schedule or ,better yet, get a nanny for when she is gone. It can't be good dragging those poor children from house to house.
7. Stand your ground in a nice way. SIL needs to learn that you can have it all, but not all at once (i.e. career, family, marriage, freedom, etc.).
Good luck.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think you are being very reasonable. You have a full plate already. This MIL needs to either stop offering to babysit for your SIL or make plans ahead of time. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold while the other people involved get to go on with their lives as normal. If your MIL offers to watch the kids then she needs to watch the kids. If your SIL has a business trip she needs to find adequate childcare and not expect everyone else to take care of her children.
You did the right thing and tell your husband he could have always put his life on hold and watched the kids himself. I sometimes don't think men have any clue what it is like to add extra kids to your already full plate as a mom of young ones.
I agree with you. Sounds like your MIL may have expected others to help out, but didn't bother to ask anybody. It also sounds like you were soured on helping out from the last time when what you were being asked to do was misrepresented to you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her that you were not able to help her on such short notice. 2 kids under 3 yrs and two 6 month olds is a LOT of work and responsibility. But as far as 'making a point' to your MIL.. don't count on it being very effective. She sounds oblivious to how inconsiderate what she did was. You will have to be much more plain and yet very nice if you want her to "get it".
"Oh, my. Well, if I'd had more notice I might have been able to make arrangements to help out for a few hours. But at this late time, I just can't work it in. Did something change since you agreed to keep them for ___ ? Maybe you should call her and let her know you're having a problem.. she might want to alter her trip schedule..."
Here's my humble opinion. You are busy enough with two kiddos of your own. Maybe I'm not much of a team player but you MIL shouldn't just assume you can watch them. However, the downside of this attitude is that you should not ask your in laws to watch your children - with either short or long notice. If you are not going to be flexible with watching other family members kids then you can't expect them to help you out, either. It's a choice and you need to make it. Good luck. . . it's a tough situation. Remember that you can only control what choices YOU make, not what your MIL chooses to do. But even with that, your choices will have consequences. It's up to you to decide what path YOU want to take.
I don't think you were being selfish. It was inconsiderate for your MIL to assume that you would take the kids. It would of been different if it was an emergency, but it sounds like it was just poor/lack of planning. I don't really have any good insight, but I thought you might like some validation. Good luck
You absolutely would have had your hands full! I don't think you were exactly selfish, but I do think it would have been the nice thing to do, to watch them. I'm a stay at home mom and sometimes my husbands sister asks me to watch her kids when day care is out and I totally understand the feeling of wanting to say no! And it is slightly different since your situation didn't give you any notice, so I do agree that isn't nice. It sounds like maybe your SIL travels a lot, so maybe next time just be a little bit more proactive and ask if they are going to need you to pitch in this time or if they have it covered. Dealing with family can be tricky!!!
Not at all- families all pull together to help each other out, but you are not on call 24/7! I know that if my SIL or mom needed help watching my nieces and nephew, of course I would help if I could. But I would have no problem saying no if I couldn't and I know that neither of them would hold it against me!
Sounds like your MIL over-committed herself and didn't want to admit it. You're not responsible for bailing her out!
It sounds to me like the problem is your SIL's and not your MIL's. You SIL needs to make arrangements for your MIL during the days she is out of town. In fact she really should work out a day care situation - period. Your MIL is doing her a favor and obviously really doesn't want to or she would make more planned provisions. Not your problem at all!
In short, your SIL is being out of line for putting everyone out while she leaves her kids. Your MIL is doing the most she is willing to do as are you. You do not have to watch these kids, that is your choice! You are not being selfish but I do think that you attempt to make a point will not work. They won't get it, they will keep asking last minute, it is just what it is. If you really want to make a point, just tell them that you need more notice, end of story, no games. Make sense?
In short, don't make this your problem. If you want to help out, then help, if you don't, then don't. If you are irritated in how they handle it, then say something. Done.
Good luck, I know people (especially family) can be a pain, but you just will not get more out of people then history proves. = )
No,only you and you alone can decide what you want to do and what is best for your situation. Your hubby needs to stand by your decision, he wasn't the one that was being asked to watch the kids.
Maybe next time you are asked, offer up his babysitting services... LOL :-)
Edited to say that it astounds me how many of you feel this way. But you are all the reason for my living thank you very much! If families pulled together more I wouldn't live in a decent house and couldn't afford cable and to stay home with my grandson. I am very torn about this issue. I think that families should help each other more. But if they did, I'd have to get a better job.
Well obviously, there is no cardinal rule that says that family has to watch each others children. But it is the "family" thing to do and it's nice. I do think it sounds like you are put out by even being asked and I'm not certain why. Why should mother in law have to miss work if there are stay at home moms in the family that can help? It doesn't sound like anyone is being expected to put in a full days work. 6 hours with a couple of family children really shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like their own mother was out gambling :)
I'm not going to rise to calling it selfish not to do it. But unless you are a professional caregiver and their kids would have put you over ratio on kids, then I see no reason not to be kind. Sometimes you might find yourself needing a return of the favor. What if one of yours gets terribly sick and you need to hussle one of yours from place to place while you are at the hospital?
No, you are not being selfish at all. They are being selfish or at least, inconsiderate. If your MIL agreed to watch the kids then yes, she needs to prepare in advance & not pass the kids onto others to sherk responisbility. You were definitly w/in your right to refuse. Just because you're a DIL, doesn't mean you're at anyone's beck & call to be available at a moment's notice. That is not your job. If your SIL wanted you to watch the kids, I'm sure she would've asked you & well in advance would be the appropriate thing to do. What you said about MIL needing to take off work or giving more than a moment's notice is appropriate to tell her if something is said. I would say that if it were me. Hope this helps, good luck!!
