I saw another question about the 3 year olds that asks questions constantly. I deal with that but I also find that my child (G) cries constantly which drives me crazy. G will cry if a leg is bumped or any minor bump or scrape. I have gotten to the point where I ignore these cries unless I feel the injury is legit. G wakes up crying and the whining/crying continues periodically throughout the day. I let G get 10 minutes of TV before getting ready for school in the mornings in order to get the day started slowly. I have even tried giving G a couple of nuts first thing in the morning to make sure it isn't a blood sugar issue. Neither of these things seem to help.
This morning I lost my cool . Friday is show-and-tell day at school. Names are required to be written on the toy. I wrote G's name on the toy and G proceeded to get angry because G did not like the way I wrote the name. So G started crying and saying that G wanted to write it with a crayon (which would have ruined the stuffed animal). When the crying starts, I can immediately feel my blood pressure rise and I begin to get angry. So it ended up escalating to not being able to bring the toy to school, which turned into more tears which turned into me raising my voice to "knock it off", which morphed into child yelling at me and calling me names. I lost it, I yelled at G, gave her a time out and took away a penny (which is a technique we are using pretty successfully to reinforce good behavior). I even started pretend crying really loud so G can hear what is sounds like which made G even angrier. I hated the way I react internally and today externally to the crying. I have been feeling sad abou thet whole think all day.
What I am trying to find out is how do you handle the constant crying? I feel like it immediately flips the anger switch in me.
Also, how do I get my child be show emotion in another way?
Dr. Sears has some really good behavior shaping advice that can help with this and their ability to communicate.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
He pinpoints screaming/whining issues here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/both...
Also, advice on ways parents can calm their anger in times of frustration.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/5-wa...
When my son was about 6 months old, my mother in law told me that I should "treat every child like they're your 16th out of 17 children" I automatically wrote it off as horribly bad MIL advice and inwardly accused her of being a neglectful parent. boy oh boy was I wrong! You need to not give her crying fits much attention and not show her any emotional response to her outbursts. Leave her alone to cry and work out what she will (even if that means locking her in the room until she can calm down) and go collect yourself and try to tune out her noises. I know it's very hard to (I also have a 3 year old and a 1 year old), but you cannot let them see that what they are doing is effecting you..because attention is attention to them, whether it be negative or positive. My sister has 7 kids and the oldest of them is only 5. They are the best behaved children I have ever met. I called her last month crying because my 3 year old was acting a lot like you're describing, and I was *thisclose* to getting physically violent,and her advice was to send him to his room and lock him in because "he has a right to be upset, and you have a right to not have to listen to it". Her kids will walk right up to their rooms or right into a time out chair if they start acting up or talking back to her--she just gives them "the look" and they trudge off to their beds until they can calm down. It will be a rough week or so of her getting used to not getting attention when she melts down, but it will pay off. I've been doing this with my son for about 3 weeks and the crying episodes have reduced considerably.
Look at the book titled "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk." I hope I have that right but it's legendary.
Also, give yourself a time out when you get as frazzled as you did this morning. Instead of continuing to engage with G as you did -- arguing about why the crayon would not work, taking the toy away, pretend crying, etc. -- next time stop everything and say quietly, "Mom's upset and I need a time out to calm down." Then walk away! G may follow you and keep going at you but say "I'm taking time out to calm down so you need to be in your room" or "You need to wait five minutes" (use a timer, maybe). Be clear it's your time out, not G's. You need to step away and calm down so you can be the grownup when you step back into dealing with your child. G may cry and fuss when you do this but you'll also be removing your attention -- even negative attention like yelling and taking away things IS still attention and children at 3 will take any kind they can get.
One tactic for getting G to show emotion other ways is to be deaf to any voices other than nice inside voices. "I'm sorry but I can't hear you when you talk like that. When you're ready to talk without crying/yelling/whatever, I will be happy to talk with you." Then walk away! Pick up a book, go into another room. You will get followed and fussed at, at least at first. But you have to stay calm and be deaf until G calms down. Again it's about attention -- remove the negative attention G's getting from the crying.
And catch G being good, a lot, and give a lot of praise (even if the praise seems excessive to you as an adult, or is for something tiny that you might think isn't worth noting). Build up positive associations with how you and G relate.
I just turn around when she start crying and said " no crying" , today It really works!! She stops and start talking about what she wants. Yeeei.
Don' t feel bad , I know that feeling of anger, and sometimes makes me sad beause of that but I always tell myself is normal and just need to relax and breath.
My second child was like this, it was a mind numbing experience at times. But I changed my approach with her because clearly what I was doing wasn't working, and I started giving her more random hugs throughout the day. The very day I bent down and started giving her random hugs, a lot of them, she wasn't nearly as whiny/crier. You could try that and see if you child responds the same. My daughter is now 5 and I recognize now very quickly if I'm not hugging her enough. However, she also has matured some so she isn't as needy but it's just her personality.
I disciplined fits, crying and whining unless it was legit. Now all I have to do is say, "That's enough" and it stops with all three kids. My son went through a super whiny stage at about 2 1/2, but now you'd never know he was a chronic whiny crier. He never got away with it and finally brightened way up. The book Back to Basics Discipline, by Janet Campbell Matson is excellent for what type of discipline to use for attitude and character type stuff.
Like anything else in life you don't want to continue or escalate: Do Not Ignore.
"G wakes up crying"
i would need to hear more on this before I spout off:) Is she having nightmares or night terrors? Does she have chocolate or any other caffeine pre bed (I am guessing not but ....)
As another poster suggested, take a look at "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber. (should be available at your library). I'd also suggest looking at "Raising your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
Both can help you address the emotions behind the behavior, and resolve those.
