Very Emotional Daughter.

Hi G.
It sounds to me as if she maybe WAY over tired. Sleepless in America is a Awsome book. I hope you get a chance to read it. Good Luck :)T.

G.,
I really do not have any help for ya but I want you to know my 10 yr old daughter is exactly the same way and has been since she was able to walk and talk. So I guess what I am saying is if you want to talk email me at ____@____.com. I would love to chat with ya about this and see if we can help each other.

Read: "How to talk to kids so they'll listen and listen so they'll talk". This book is out of print so you'll have to go to the library.

Is she very emotional or very misunderstood and sad G.? A four year old with a two year old sibling is experiencing both anger and abandonment issues. She needs more attention than she can get and will cry when she doesn't get the things she needs or wants.

Why is she hungry? Why is she standing in your way? If you think about it G., your daughter is asking for things she needs. When she doesn't move, she probably needs a hug or to be held. Asking her if she needs something (Do you need some mommy-time? Are you feeling sad?) instead of asking her to move will get to the heart of why she is blocking your way.

It is easy for parents to think that kids are just "misbehaving" when all they are really doing is communicating in the only way they know how. Blocking your way is a way to ask for something that she she cannot communicate.

Also, how often do you deny her something that she really needs? Food is a NEED not a WANT at the age of four. Making a four year old wait for supper is telling her that her needs don't matter. Having small snacks around to help small children wait for supper is the easy way to meet their needs while you get supper ready.

I am guessing that your little "emotional" girl is just a smaller version of you - someone who seldom got their needs met when they were a child during the stage when they were unable to communicate about it, and who's parents didn't stop to find out what those needs were.

What you are passing onto your daughter is not the emotional tendency, it's the sadness that comes from not getting one's needs met - and having no one ask what they are.

I would suggest that you read more about children and their feelings, self esteem, how to communicate and how to win with them. Your good time spent learning about her will be way more effective than the bigger fights that are on their way if you don't find the answers soon.

I posted similar question awhile back. My daughter who will be 6 this summer is the same way! It's hard cause you give them so much love. That I don't believe it is a lack of love or attention. I too am an extremely emotion person that can cry over a hallmark commercial, however we've been trying to explain to our daughter the crying wolf story and how sometimes it works for crying too. Things like asking her to wear socks with her shoes and that causes an emtional breakdown - well we send her to her room to pull herself together and come back out - typically it is VERY short lived. This seemed to really help as she found she wasn't getting the attention from crying that she had hoped. We constantly tell her we love her and spend a lot of time with our daughter as I'm sure you do too, so we are not fearful that she will think we are rejecting her. She is starting to realize that their are times when crying just isn't the answer. Good Luck - this is one of the hardest things I"ve had as a mom as it breaks my heart when she crys but they learn at a very young age to manipulate us as parents! Stay strong and shower her with love and shower her with discipline - that's what being a mother is. Your doing gret!

Breaking the cycle is something you will also need to address. They always say in many different books I read about parenting that 10 times is a habit! So think of other ways to get beyond that moment. If you are talking to her about the crying that it is effecting you then it is said that she is doing it to get your attention. For example if you are saying to her "Candence stop crying, there is nothing t o cry about..." that just awarded her for her crying. If you ignore the behavior and move onto the next thing, which isn't always easy she will see that she needs to find a new way of getting your attention. My son William does all that he can to only have mommy do things for him... NO daddy, mommy do it! Well it isn't always convenant for me to do it if I am making dinner or taking a shower. So I'll tell him William daddy can do it for you now or you will have to wait. Not sure that I am suggesting much but know that you have support out there. Stay strong stay consistant and your love for her will pull you through!

G.
It sounds like she has learned to use tears to assert her own agenda. It seems that she feels offended if you don't do things her way or let her do things her way. Recognize that it is a form of manipulation and try to teach her that the world is not about her. Part of growing up is learning to allow others to have their way without punishing them with your negative behavior. She will suffer if she doesn't learn to overcome this and so will all the people that are in relationship with her.

Do not respond to her tears. Don't reward them or punish them, just teach her that they won't work. Also, please don't give her several chances to obey. If she doesn't move the first time, gently move her and don't let yourself get worked up emotionally.

Wow! I was just going to post about the same exact thing!! My son, who will turn 4 on Monday, has always been "tough"--not crying when he gets hurt, easy going enough to accept no. But in the last two months, woah, has he gotten sensitive! The other day I heard the cry that usually signals, I'm bleeding profusely and I'm scared, but another kid had pushed him--not even hard enough for him to fall down! Anyway--another friend of his, who also recently turned four, is also melting down at seemingly nothing, so I'm definitely wondering if it's a developmental thing. I think they get to this age where they realize the world is so much bigger than they are, and they struggle to cope with their small, small place in it--which means little things frustrate them a lot more. At least, that's what I'm hoping it is--good luck!!! I know this isn't any answers, but I wanted to let you know we're struggling with it too!

This might sound a little crazy, but what are her sleep patterns like? I would reccommend reading "sleepless in America" by Mary Sheedy. A lot of her sensitivity could be related to a lack of even a half hour of sleep! Try putting her to bed just 20-30 minutes earlier for a few days and see if it helps a little bit - it just might! I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the subject and it seems that just a tad more sleep can to wonders for our little ones emotionally, physically, and more!. Just a suggestion!

Are you giving in to her cry's? If she crys and you give in to her and give her what she's crying for then she's got you wrapped around her pinky and it's a game.

If she crys tell her she needs to go cry in her bedroom because you don't want to hear it. Sounds like she crys whereas other kids whine. I don't like my daughter whine when she wants something I tell her NO and tell her to go whine somewhere else I don't want to hear it.

Hi G.,
You've gotten lots of different kinds of advice to consider...I didn't see this suggestion, so I'll just throw this out there for you too. By the way, very timely, since I'm right in the midst of dealing with a very emotional 4 1/2 year old daughter too!! Personally, I'm guessing these little girls are going through a phase, but it's always smart to be open minded about what may be causing the issue.

Anyways...we just started using behavior charts at our house with our daughter. We've got a "No Whining" chart, "No Pouting" chart...and so on (about 5 total for her most common meltdowns these days). Every night, we talk about her day and she gets to put a sticker on the chart if she didn't whine, pout, have a tantrum etc. The reason we made 5 separate charts instead of one "Good Behavior" chart was so that she'd be able to collect at least one or two stickers every day.

Then, we'll come up with a couple of levels of reward systems once the charts start filling up. For instance, maybe after she's collected a total of 10 stickers on her charts, she gets a special treat, or once one of the sheets has been filled with stickers, she gets to pick out a new (small) toy, or a movie. Whatever works for your family...

We did this with the "Potty Chart" and it worked quite well...so I'm cautiously optimistic it will help us out a little here too.

Good luck with whatever you do and be sure to spread the word if you find that magic solution to our emotional girls! :)

My Teya (4) is a bit of a Drama Queen as well. You just can't help but feel terrible when they cry - even if the cause is completely unreasonable! Teya doesn't cry at the drop of a hat any more, but she can still be sensitive to the general environment. I think that some children are just that way, if anything startles them they can totally freak out. If Tey's any example, it does soften with time. I do find that I have to treat her more gently than the other girls, but I actually enjoy that because my other two are loud, hyper and defiant.

It's probably just developmental... however, I just wanted to throw this out there: when my daughter was 3 I became concerned about her excessive crying. She would not only cry about everything, but would go on and on about it, beyond what I thought was normal. It turns out that she has a sensitivity to red food dye. Once I cut that out of her diet she returned to normal. I know another child who is sensitive to food preservatives. But considering that she is exhibiting emotions that you have also experienced, she may be starting to come to terms with being an emotional person. We all learn the hard way that sometimes our kids inherit our traits even if we don't want them to! The good thing is, we know how to help them through it. Good luck!

Annete had some great thoughts.
You state in your bio that you're a VERY busy mom. That's a clue that your 4 year old is needing more attention and crying is either a means to get attention, OR her way of dealing with not having her needs met. A quick or silly hug hug kiss kiss as you pick her up to the side may give her what she needs for the moment in love so she doesn't have to feel ignored. If she's hungry before dinner cut up an apple or have carrots available. It doesn't matter that they eat everything at 5 PM, just that they're getting the nutrition they need. If she's been at day care then she might have gotten a small snack a couple hours later and it hard to wait for a tired mom to be done with dinner.

If you're the same way then it could be either learned if she sees you crying much, or a hereditary thing. If it continues to be a problem for either of you, consider psychological evaluation. You yourself may need a boost either against depression or anxiety. If you take care of yourself then your dd may start to do better. It's worth the cost. Best wishes!

Hi G.,
Boy am I glad to hear I'm not the only one with a emotional 4 year old girl! I have no advice to give you, just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one dealing with this. I've just come to the conclusion that this is a 4 year old girl thing and hopefully (sooner than later) it will pass. I deal with it by just ignoring the tears and pretending like she isn't crying at all. She never cries for very long but OMG she cries about everything!!!! Good luck to you, and your 4 year old!

My daughter has been emotional since the day she was born. She also doesn't like confrontation, and "raised voices," like when she doesn't respond and you ask her over and over, each time raising your voice--my daughter interprets that as meaning I am "mad" or "angry" or "upset" with her. That, in turn, would make her feel ashamed and guilty. She had the "flight" response; she'd run away and hide. When she was five years old, we finally discovered she has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

Another mom I met said her daughter is the same way; she not only has SPD, but is highly sensitive as well (it seems the two often go hand-in-hand). She recommended the book "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. I've read it, and it has lots of helpful ideas, as well as it tries to explain how it is that Sensitive People process the world around them, because they do it differently than you and me.

Your daughter might not/probably doesn't have SPD, but she could be a sensitive person; about 10% of people are born that way. It is their personality. Of course, some children can also grow out of it; for them, it is a "phase." But if it seems to you that this is your daughter's "personality," then you'll need to find ways of helping her cope with the world around her.

Right now, my daughter is in the second grade, and friend/ships are the focus of most of our tears and poutiness/rebellions. She likes everyone, and wants everyone to like her and everyone else. She has a very hard time trying to understand why it is that everyone can't just get along and like each other (that sounds like a wonderful idea for nations as well). I often feel very ill-equipped and insufficient when trying to deal with the "friendship" issue, but I've discovered that just having someone to talk to and vent her fears, frustrations, and insecurities to usually takes care of the problem.

Check out the book. I think you'll find it very helpful.

A. C.

This sounds like a classic case of jealousy. You mention you have a 2 year old and are VERY busy. Your 4 year old does not know how to tell you she needs more of your time. 2 year olds need more care than a 4 year old and she sees that. She is at an age where she could "be helping mommy" . Have her help you take care of the 2 year old and help with a few other things. Then lots of praise and hugs and you will give her the confidence she needs. With confidence comes strength. It's amazing how fast children grow and time slips away. Enjoy these younger years, take the time with them when they need your love and guidance most.

G. have you tried asking her to move instead of telling her to move out of your way? sometimes when you tell someone to do something it sounds more harsh then you think it does to other people, maybe she thinks you are mad at her and that hurts her feelings. instead of telling her she (HAS TO) wear socks explain to her why she needs to wear socks so she understands. as a child all she is understanding from you is that you are being mean to her and she does not undrerstand why so she cries.

G.-
I too am going through having a 4 year old melt down for every little thing like when she has to brush teeth, or if she doesn't score a goal in soccer. She cries this weird eeeeee cry!? Anyway, when she cries over little things, I tell her it's ok to feel frustrated, angry, whatever the emotion is, and she can take some time in her room and cry until she's ready to join us again. I don't make it like it's a punishment, we just give her time to deal with her emotions in a place that's her own and we won't hear her wailing so loud. Asking her to stop does not work, but the crying in the room works for us because she doesn't want to sit in there by herself for too long. Also, If and after she calms down somewhat, I change the subject and ask about school, or things we've done or are going to do. I tend to shower her with hugs and kisses too so she knows I'm not mad. Dealing with this in public or on the go is a little more tricky and I usually have to resort to trying to get her to verbalize why she is crying and try to explain that we brush teeth so we have healthy teeth with no cavities, and then keep on movin. The more I debate her, the worse it gets, so I say things once, maybe twice and then don't keep responding to her meltdown. I know that if I get frustrated or angry, it makes it worse for my daughter. I just hope this is a phase and she stops eventually. I've gotten used to being a little late for soccer or school if it means giving her time to calm down and recollect.
I hope this was helpful to you!

L.