Siblings Fighting. - Pensacola,FL

Perhaps a social story will help your kids to better understand how to deal with one another. A social story is a tool that is to teach kids very specific patterns of behavior and acceptable responses. The story could be called, "Sharing and Caring in Our Family".

All you do is write very obvious, simple statements on each page and then draw a very simple picture, such as a happy or sad face or a picture of a crayon and two smiling faces - describe the problem behavior, describe the way other people feel when that behavior happens, then describe the proper behavior and how people feel when that happens. Always use positive, descriptive language to describe the behaviors - do not say one is bad - just do a good job showing the consequence of the unacceptable behavior so the child understands that it is the behavior that is causing another to be sad - not the child himself.

I hope helps. It has made our home life much much happier!!!! My kids ask to write these stories now - and we do it together with them describing feelings, pictures, etc. Good luck and Blessings to you and yours!!!!

A great book that helped with this process: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/188547766X/ref=oss_product

Your son is absolutely old/mature enough to understand, if you told him, why he would be disciplined by you for something that occurred earlier in the day. Show him his sister for a reminder, for Pete's sake! My son is 4, and I believe that at 4, he is mature enough to remember his actions from earlier in a day, particularly something like you described, and he would have had more than a stern talking to from me. The level of aggressive behavior you described from your son, drawing blood and blackening his sister's eye (?) is really not good or acceptable! I can't help wonder how quickly your husband responded to the brawl, if that amount of damage was able to be done. Personally, I'd want my son to know that I was MORE THAN NOT HAPPY with his behavior. This is serious business. What happens when he does this at school to another child when someone takes his crayon? That behavior would not be tolerated.

Not to pick on your husband but how exactly did it get to the point that she was bleeding and had a black eye? If kids (or anyone for that matter) are hitting each other pull them apart. At 4 he is well aware of what he is doing and even if 24 hours had passed if she has marks on her you can easily show him "you see this mark you did that and I am not ok with it". My daughter cut the dogs hair at that age (safety scissors can cut fur I've come to find out) and I didn't notice it until two days later and we punished her. A year later if you ask her about the time she cut the dogs hair she remembers. Don't make excuses for bad behavior based on age kids are smarter then people give them credit for. We have a punching bag in our house because sometimes physical activity relieves stress and all the members of our home know if you are mad enough to hit something beat the bag. Both of my kids use it on occasion. We started when they were pretty young with a bop bag. It's normal at this age to not be able to effectively communicate your anger and it's your job as the parent to teach them a healthy way to do it. For our family finding an alternative to hitting someone is to hit something. My son has been subjected to bullying in school and has NEVER hit back. He takes martial arts and knows how to be disciplined as well so hitting the punching bag has not turned them into violent people. Good luck!

So your hubby had already handled this and you did nothing more than just tell your 4 yr old that you were disappointed with his behavior? You didn't punish him? I'm a little confused because you said that too much time had passed for him to understand why you were discipling him. Telling a child that you are unhappy with a specific thing they have done such as hitting or throwing stuff is acceptable in my book any time. And a 4 yr old is old enough to remember when happened earlier in the day. Your daughter at age 2.5 probably wouldn't remember however your son does.

I'd say your best bet is to head off problems before they start. Tell him that if she takes his crayons he's to ask her to return them. If she doesn't then he needs to ask a grown up. You'lll have to explain it over and over again and be sure to praise him when he actually does it.

If that were my kid... I would have punished him/sat him down.... POINT blank... the kid is old enough to know what you are talking about.

Next: I advise, that you all sit down, and firmly tell the kids that beating each other up is NOT allowed... and that punishment will take place.
BUT, you also have to emphasize, what a "sibling" is, what a "family" is, what having each other's back is, what thoughtfulness is... what all those things are...
AND what the heck did your Husband do to your son, as punishment? I would want to know that.
Your 2.5 year old got a black eye.. and bleeding... that is extreme if you ask me.
I would not just have told him "i'm disappointed in you..."

Next: what I do with my eldest child is I ALWAYS explain child development to her... so that she "understands" explicitly, that her YOUNGER brother, is not able like her, nor at the same age, nor at the same level of cognizance. THAT is what you need to do.
I explain it to my older daughter in simple age appropriate ways, so that she understands. And she does. And then she understands her little brother... and "why" he can't always share or do things JUST like her. And she will then actually HELP him... and empathize with him, and just not hit him.

all the best,
Susan

Wow, I have never seen a four year old so mad to cause bleeding and a black eye. I would say he has some serious anger issues. Maybe he doens't feel like he is getting enough attention from his parents. Sounds like a jealousy problem may be there. Try giving him some more one on one time with each parent. With your husband being sick I am sure he wasn't fully involved with the children and your son may just have felt like Daddy didn't care. I am not blaming you or your husband. I am just suggesting that you give him more one on one time and see how it works out. Usually that will solve a problem like this..also be sure to talk to him on a regular basis about being nice and reward him for being good to his sister..

I have had similar scenarios. My younger two (4&6), I encourage to calm down and tell me what's going on. Then I tell them how their behavior is not nice and they wouldn't like it done to them etc. Sometimes they get a swat on the butt or time out, depending on the offense. It's an ongoing exercise in patience. My older two (10&7) get a similar talk. Then I encourage them to talk it out between them while I listen. I keep them calm, but they talk to each other. It doesn't always work and they end up in time out or I take toys away, but it's getting better. When it's a different combo, 4 yr. old vs. 10 year old, the talk is similar with my older one usually being reminded to be very patient with his brother. Something else that has helped- they all have similar toys. There are some exceptions such as barbies for my daughter and a walkman for my son. But otherwise it's a lot of the same. They all have legos and cars, they just have different sets. That has cut down on fights over toys.

The fact that they are so close together is what makes this a difficult situation. I too have children that are just under 2 years apart and to make matters worse, they are both boys. The fighting didn't start until a little later for me - probably because my oldest is extremely laid back and can easily let things go. However, my little one has problems with communicating his anger verbally and tries to use force. Outside of punishing them for the act at the time it occurs and talking to them about using their words, I really only have one other suggestion. Unfortunately he is still young, but explaining to him that his little sister is going to be his best friend for life and that if he keeps hurting her instead of talking to her when there is a problem, she isn't going to want to be his best friend. Explain that she isn't going to like him any more. That has worked for me more recently.

Good Luck.

I have 3 boys - 6yrs old, 4 yrs old, and a 2 year old. My 4 year old and 2 year old are having similar issues, although not quite to that degree. (Maybe because I'm usually right on top of that situation) I believe my 4 yr old is frustrated because if he does tell my 2 y.o. "no don't take from me", the 2y.o. doesn't listen. THen it escalates. Nick (4y.o.) slapped Jake (2) right across the face yesterday and I was nearly speechless. We are trying to teach NIck to stick up for himself before he goes to VPK but his verbal skills and self assertiveness are lacking, which comes out in a great big whack on someone! I feel your pain! Truly! We are working on vocabulary with him. When he gets into these situations we are right there to help monitor and show him the right direction. But it takes time to learn which words to use, and it takes time to learn the patience to not just lash out. For us, we are just being as consistent as possible. He has a lot of time outs, but it usually helps just to get him out the room so he can 'reset', then we re-enact the situation and show him the right way to do it. Best of luck to you!! You are not alone!
Jen