Sibling Rivalry? or Something More?

Oh honey, she wants attention and negative is usually the fastest and easiest way to gaurantee she'll get it. This happened in my family. My older son was about 2 and my younger son was a couple of months. My older son wanted my attention so badly he would dig his nails into the baby's hand. These things only happened when it was just me, never in my husband's presence. There were other things he did, but that seems to stick out in my mind. It's been 6 years and another child later, so forgive my Mommy memory.

Find someone you trust who can stay with the baby for a short time for that one on one your oldest. Even someone who can come to the park or mall with you, if you don't trust leaving the baby alone with that person. You have to ask for help. I went through this alone, we moved away from family and our support system when baby #2 was 7 weeks old. I didn't know a soul I could trust. Do you have a family member, Mom or MIL who can stay with you a couple of days while your husband is gone?

As for the screaming, been there (big sigh). I have a couple of suggestions. One is to take a Mommy time out. Remove yourself from her sight for a minute or two, gather your thoughts and come back a little calmer so you can speak rationally without screaming. This is hard to do in the heat of the moment, but so worth it. Another is to try giving hugs/kisses instead of screaming. She totally expects you to yell, if you hug her, she'll be shocked that's she's not getting the "normal" response, that might be enough to get her to listen to you. My best friend recently told me that she asks her son, "Do you want a punishment or do you just need to sit on Mommy's lap for a minute." Of course he always picks the lap and it diffuses the situation. I'm planning to try this last one myself.

Google Mom meet up groups in the local area to find a playgroup for your oldest. My computer's acting up otherwise I'd have posted a link.

I hope this helps!

I hope this helps.

#1 this is totally normal behavior for your kids...not acceptable, but totally normal. Unfortunately my 2.5 DD does the same to my 8 mo boy. #2 Get out the house!!!!! I know it seems backward, but getting out of the house (in public with other moms) will help YOU feel less isolated and more refueled and, as a result, you will be a MUCH BETTER Mommy. I yell at my 2.5 yo too much when I start feeling drained and I know its time to hook up with the old playgroup. We ALL always feel much better afterward. Your daughter will leave you alone for a while (too busy chasing other kids her age who will #1 set her straight and #2 wear her out) and you will find some support and understanding of other mom's who are living something similar to you.

Seriously, find a playgroup... an active one! Not something once a week. Ours goes out several times a week and we attend what we want. Works out great.

Search at Meetup.com for some options in your area.

Remember: children are meant to be raised by a village NOT a single mommy, so get the support you deserve!

Really does sound like the green-eyed monster. She really does need more time with Mommy and you need more time to yourself. Wish I lived closer. Are you a member of any group? How about neighbors or relatives? Set a kitchen timer for the time-outs and enforce them but be sure to praise her for even the little things when she cooperates.

www.nogreaterjoy.org

I love their child training methodology, and it reformed my two year old in less than a week. Yes, you probably have some sibling rivalry going on, but you DEFINITELY have some defiance going on - and it can't be excused as sibling rivalry, especially since it sounds like a very real possibility that a baby might be permanently injured the way she's going.
S.

S., A MUST read is "To Train Up a Child" by Michael Pearl. It's a thin book that doesn't take too long and whoa- it has changed my parenting dramatically!!! Your children will learn to obey the very first time within days. Basically, you calmly give your child a swat (with a little rod or something) on the hand or leg for every disobedient act. If you'd like to chat more about it, email me at ____@____.com.
I'm not kidding, you'll start seeing a new toddler the day you start.

I had a sister 16 mos younger and my biggest fear as a child was that she would be loved more. We grew up fighting all the time and I was a pressy one and she was the tomboy. Since we had to share the same bedroom I made sure my kids never did but I would catch them fighting from across the hall. So what ever I think you need to do is give her some special time alone an since the baby does not know the difference yet I would make sure she has special things that only is between you and her for now. Make sure always you focus at times only on her. Go for outings with just her and have someone care for the baby at home. She may be festering ill feelings. I also would use this for an opportunity of Jesus and God how they want us to love each other. If you are so inclined. But make sure she has things just for her. G. W

Oh S. I feel for you. I am sure much of your daughter's behaviour is a wanting of attention but I am just a little concerned that she is so physically agressive with the little ones. I have 5 children all under the age of 7. While we have had a little jealousy when a new baby arrives, we haven't had much aggression please don't think that sounds snooty, I don't mean it that way). I think you have a special case since your husband has to be gone so much. She is probably acting out b/c of that, and the new baby. I mean, even though she's smart, she may have a hard time grasping the fact that daddy comes home and all is well but then he leaves again for so long. She may understand that in her head, but not in her little heart. I have no advice except maybe find other mothers, like militarty moms, that have a husband far away a lot of the time. All that said, no matter what the reasoning, if she is aggressive, you definitely need to make it clear that that is NEVER acceptable and don't feel bad about disciplining her for it. There are many opinions about how to discipline so you'll have to find what works best for you. But I am pretty stern in those matters. Good luck!

What I think you really need to do is make sure you keep the consistency in your toddlers life. Screaming does no good for any of you. If your toddler mis-behaves, then you need to be consistent with the discipline you give her. Toddler behavior or not, it is not acceptable to hit or kick another child. You need to address that. A 2-3 minute time out for any of the bad behaviors on a time out chair or mat, something set aside only for that purpose. Once it is over, you need to talk to her in terms she understands and make sure she knows you love her. Make sure there is a hug at the end! Bottom line - do not let your toddler run your life. You are the one in charge, especially since your husband is not home a lot.

Good luck to you!

:( My heart goes out to you! I am a navy-brat, and a mom of four, and I was once a single parent, so I feel where you are, and you are so young! Bless your heart!

All of this is NORMAL. I know that everyone else brags on their kids and seems not to ever have problems, but I can attest that this is a time of adjustment. This is an opportunity. You have this adjustment time to get control of yourself and your girls.

Try to start out with a gentle routine. Feeding, napping, cleaning, playing at regular times. During at least one baby nap a day, spend one-on-one fun time with your two year old.

Try to all take a nap together in the afternoon, also.
Don't count on it, but try.

Smile at your children in a conscious effort to be a pleasant mommy instead of a bear. You can discipline while smiling and cook while smiling and listen to screaming while smiling.

Keep your two year old with you in everything. Train her to be a little you. Talk non-stop to her about what to do and what is nice and how to do this and that and let her practice while you watch and praise her. My two (now three) year old cooks with me and gets ready with me and tends the baby with me and wants to do everything I do. Maybe you can even wear her in a sling on your hip sometimes when you have to move around a lot. I do have her play by herself, but it's for a limited time or she wanders into trouble.
Have her disciplines be time outs next to you. Wear a timer and use it to track feeding lengths, food prep, chore length, time outs, everything!

I can give you websites and practical advice, but I just want you to know that this is an opportunity and will pass soon, so use it to your advantage, and enjoy your babies while they are young, they really do grow up too fast.

God bless you!
~A.

When the little one is sleeping make sure you make some special time for your older dd.
Make cookies with her... read books,color...
Have a tea party with her. Anything to spend that few moments with her.
Your hands are full... but you are going to get threw this!
Good luck!

Get the book series, Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen. They are terrific. Be sure to read the Mistaken Goals Chart (when my children were young I read them almost daily) and put them to work. She also has a bit on sibling rivals. It goes something like this. (you'll need candles)

Light your candle, "When I was single, I had all my love," "Then I met daddy, and gave him all my love," (light his candle with yours) "Yet I kept all my love." and show the two candles apart, showing each glowing brightly. "Then we had you," (light a smallish candle for your older child), "And I gave you all my love, but I still have all my love." "Then I had ____" (baby) and light a tiny candle, "I gave him all my love, but I still have all my love."

Dr. Nelson says it better, but that's the gist of if all, she outlines it beautifully in her books. Invest about $40 and you'll never regret it. Also -- really study that Mistaken Goals Chart -- I was also a parenting educator for many years, and I must have handed out a thousand of those.

A. - mother of 2, grandmother of 2, wife of 1

Hi S.,

I just want to second the suggestion to purchase/read "Love and Logic"...I previously did quite a bit of "screaming" myself!!! The book really teaches you to discipline with love, while teaching your daughter(even at 2) to start thinking for herself and learning there are consequences for her actions. God Bless, K..

If you have friends and family in the area see if they would help you out with watching one of the girls for a short period of time. Hope this phase passes!

I like what Gretchen had to say. Best advice yet.

Try positive reinforcement. She wants attention so only give it to her when she does good things. ANY little GOOD thing. And promise time together if she behaves or helps out. "If you help me in the store with baby, we can have some alone time to play a game later."

Nothing negative will work and NO punishment will work. Removing your time together is all that will motivate a child who is jealous.

Good luck and hand in there.

S., It could be a combination of both. I have a few suggestions.
1. Have you involved your older child in helping w/ the baby? While I was expecting my twins and after they were here, I kept telling my older daughter that they were her babies too and how much I needed the big sisters help. I praised her everytime she did something to help me or the babies. It could be as little as handing me a diaper or the wipes.
2. Do you have a friend or family member that you could leave the baby with for short periods of time? That could allow you to have some individual time with your older daughter while Daddy is away. Is there a teenage girl in the neighbor hood who could come over while the baby naps and give you just a little more freedom with your older child?
It is hard not to yell, but if you do not give yourself a break and get a handle on things with your older daughter now, it will just get harder. I would suggest that you set a timer when you put her in timeout. This way you will not have to watch the clock and you can give her permission to come to you if you can not come to her at that time.

All these experts have a lot of advice to offer, wow... I don't have advice. I'm no expert. I'll have my own issues soon enough, when my 2.5 year old gets her own baby brother to rival with.

I just have 2 things to offer, really: (1) You didn't specify how you punished your daughter for kicking the neighbor's 6 month old... I'm sure you didn't just stand passively by, so don't get upset by any moms here who spoke angrily about your daughter's bullying.

(2) Pick 5 women in your Mommy group who you think you have the greatest potential to be friends with. Make them top priority for social opportunities, such as going to the same meetups with them, emailing them, trying to set up 1-on-1 playdates, etc. They will become your inner network who will eventually help you stay sane, and they will also watch #1 or #2 when you need a break and 1-on-1 time with just one kid.

Forget the other social obligations unless there's potential for you to benefit --- i.e. specifically, you need someone who will give your kid(s) attention and help relieve the burden. Put your energy into fostering relationships with people who will do that for you. Your business, your hobbies, your volunteer activities, etc, can all come 2nd, because your sanity must always be top priority.

I lost $14k this year in a business because of having to make that choice. I consider it a small sacrifice, even though now I'm stone broke. At least I'm sane and my family has their mommy/wife back!

Best wishes to you, sweetie. Share your probs with your Mommy group, too... Maybe you already have. They're a nice, caring bunch, even if one or two of them are a bit "out there" :-P

Your daughter is behaving totally normally for her age, particularly since you just had a baby and she has to share you now. I used the book The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp and it was good with my daughter. Keep in mind that when you argue with a toddler, you lose something every time, in that you are the adult and she is the child, and she doesn't have the capability you have to reason things through. You lose your dignity when you do this. Everyone has done that one time or another I'm sure, but it is good you are aware that it isn't helpful to your situation. If you stay calm but firm, she will be there all by herself acting up without your yelling and stoking the problem. Then she will eventually figure out that she is causing the problem. She will find it easier to behave if you keep your cool. Take it from me! I've tried both and calm and mature beats yelling EVERY TIME!! BUT give yourself a bit of a break since you have a tiny baby and are adjusting also. Good luck!!!

Wow! You have gotten so many responses! I am in a situation that is almost identical to yours. This is how I deal. I have made my 3 yr old mommy's little helper. When my 3 mo old takes a nap, I usually do something special with the 3yo, like a puzzle or get on the floor and put legos together. Madison(3yo) also goes to early learning at our church just two days a week. It makes a huge difference for her to get out of the house for a little fun time for herself. I hope this helps.

It probably sounds like I sell "Love and Logic" books because I push them so much at Mammasource. I don't, but I do believe the technique works. Go get the books by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. It's all about how to raise good kids without anger. It will help.

In the meantime, ask for help from a friend if you can. You need a little relief. My husband traveled a lot when our kids were small and it is tough business, but it will get better. I was lucky because I have family in town that could help me. But I helped friends that had no family.

Ask someone to take the baby while you spend time with your older little girl. Maybe someone will take them both while you get a nice nap!
Hang in There!

Call in some reinforcements.... One you do have to put a stop now to the aggressive behavior. She has to know you are boss. But is does sound like this little person is going thru alot.... New sister, dad gone so no one to bail her out, and she is learnign to be older and more independant. She is going thru a lot of changes and trying to process all toh these fellings but does nto have the words. I bet she jsut wants to yell too. That is why you need to call inteh reinforcements....she needs some time to be 2.5....wtih you with friends etc... Yes now is a great time to learn to share and wait your turn but it will take time. You need to take advantage of the times when the baby is asleep...the house and laundry can wait. You need to take turns too.

Hi S.. The only thing I can think of is this: when my kids are mean to each other, I ask them "Do you have someone at school who is mean to you? Like a bully?" Of course they can answer yes. I say, "Does it hurt your feelings?" (answer: yes) "Because YOU are being a bully to your sister. The way you treat her is the way you are being treated at school by that bully. Now, I would stand up for you at school if anyone was mean to you. I am ALSO going to stand up for your sister if someone is mean to her, even if it's you. I love you both the same, but I won't tolerate anyone mistreating any of my children, even if it's one of their siblings."

My kids seem to get it. It takes the "fairness" aspect out of it because I explain that I would do the same for each one if it happens.

I don't know if that helps but I hope it did.

Hi there!
I have totally been in your shoes...some people give birth to easygoing laid back kids...others, do not :o(
Your daughter is very smart lol...she reminds me SO much of my now almost 7yo daughter, Claire. Claire proved to be quite challenging after my son was born when she was two...she bit him (on his second day home), tried to remove him from the house THEN when we went places (I lived where it was freezing)I couldn't carry the two into the house at the same time and it was warmest if I took one at a time...SO if I took her (age 2) in the house first she would lock me out when I went back to get the baby then go to the TV and ignore me...OR if I took the baby first she would lock me out of my car (luckily I had the keys...I just remember being SO upset and also puzzled that a 2year old was smart enough to figure this out)....
ANYHOW, you are more than welcome to email me ____@____.com anytime you need to vent (b/c, honey, I've been there lol) but also my biggest advice is not to listen to people who don't understand what you are going thru...AND right now while you are "single" and getting very little sleep do what helps YOU the most and keeps you most sane!! Your oldest is still very small...if she runs from you at the park and it only stresses you out to go there by yourself w/two babies...wait a month or two...basically do whatever it is that helps you to function the best that you can as a mommy and remember that this too shall pass!!
your daughter is very smart and realizes that she too has an opinion, she is also wanting attention...this will pass :o)

If there is somewhere she likes to go , like the park, and doesn't mind while there, real soon mention that you would like to take her to the park today, but since she mis-behaved last time, guess we will have to say home, and then do stay home. Of course do this on a day you weren't planning on going anyway. Have a doll for her to (love) and take care of while you have doing things with the baby, and say how proud you are of her being such a big girl, as this is all the work you had to do when she was a baby, as you are changing diapers, etc. And a little swat immediately after she pulls something usually work. I know people don't like spankings, but (beating a child is in a whole different realm than a swat) and the surprise ( it may not even hurt) tells them this behavior will not get me anywhere. And do try and have a small one on one time with her when the baby naps orsomething once a day. Doesn't have to be long, she'll just feel special. Is there a babysitter you could get for a short while, for instance while you got groceries, and I felt it helped my sanity to have a neighbor that we had afternoon coffee, and let our children play while we had adult conversation, and a reprieve. No matter how much you love your children, a little break like this really bolsts you up for the rest of the day or week.

My daughter(just turned 3 last week) went through adjustment issues when our son was born in May. Some things that seem to have helped - when it became clear she was NOT going to listen to me about not hitting the baby I took her everysingletime and put her in her room and walked away. She didn't like that one bit. I constantly talked about how "her baby" needed her to be sweet & gentle because he is so small. We did the baby doll thing where she takes care of her doll while mama is taking care of brother. Things are better now, he is 5 months tomorrow, it takes a lot of patience & love because toddlers don't know the right way to work through their feelings and this seems to be how they do it!!!

Good luck! BTW I was 21 when I had my second child, it is fun being a young mom ; )

I'm sorry, but at 2 1/2 my children knew right from wrong. The moment your daughter kicked another persons baby in the face. You should have grabbed her, spanked her and stuck her in the corner. You are a parent and a disciplinarian first! You can be their friend later. I know that your stressed out. My husband is military and NEVER home. You basically have to learn to be a single mom. It sucks! I cry all the time about how my kids(girls almost 7, and son 8months)are not listening to me, and I feel like I have no controll. I get about 4 hours of sleep a night, and fight with my girls to get up for school.

It is NEVER ok for your child to take his/her anger,sadness, feeling of hurt out on someone else. NO MATTER what the age is. There will be a lot of moms on here that don't agree with me.

From my side. If your daughter had kicked my son. I would have stepped in and said something to you, and more than likely took your daughter to the corner. If you were my friend, I would spanked her and stuck her in the corner. All the while telling her exactly what she did wrong, and that it would not be tolerated.

You have to put your foot down and let her know who's boss. Sometimes talking calmly yet firmly doesn't work. Sometimes you nee to put the fear of god into a child. To let them know that no listening to you wont be tolerated! I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. BUt again if you were my friend and that happened. I probably wouldn't be your friend anymore, because of not being able to trust your child near mine.