My 2 Year Old Son Bullies His Baby Sister

Yep, perfectly normal. We found something my daughter absolutely loves to do, and on days when she is physically mean to anyone, she doesn't get to do it. It's working.

Holy cow! My kids got a firm NO and swat the very first and ONLY time they every pushed down a baby sibling. Totally effective. Actually, two of them never needed the swat because they already understood what the VERY SERIOUS FIRM NO meant from other dangerous behaviors we taught them not to do, so the warning sufficed.

My mother, God rest her soul, told me that a single swat on the behind was called for if the child was doing something dangerous or life-threatening. She said, "Be like a mother bear. Cuff 'em with a big paw. Then hug 'em." She said that if a child was in the MIDDLE-OF-THE-STREET and a car was coming, would you want them to OBEY YOU instantly?! . . . or would you want them to stand there and think about it and weigh their options?!! That's what happens when parents use time-out as the only form of punishment, "Tommy, if you don't do what I say by the count of three, you're getting timeout! . . . 1! . . . 2!!! . . ."

However, if the wrong-action was not life-threatening or dangerous, here is what I would do. It is a combination of techniques I learned from "Siblings without Rivalry" and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and www.jodycapehart.com! - - Rapidly approach the child, get down on eye level, make them look you in the eye, then using a SOFT, very LOW voice say, "Tommy, in this house we use our hands for helping. (Shake head YES many times as you say it.) We do NOT use our hands to push over Baby Sister. (Shake your head NO many times as you say it.) This is your warning. If you do this again, you will spend 5 minutes in the naughty spot. Do you understand?" (Ms. Capehart emphasizes the importance of not to RAISE your voice, but keep it so LOW that the child must really listen to hear.) Then turn ALL your attention to the baby. Soothe her, pick her up in your arms, look Tommy in the eye, & keep looking at him in the eye as you BACK AWAY slowly, very slowly with baby. Don't turn your back on him (!!!) until you are out of the room. Give Baby lots of ooey-gooey special attention in the other room! Special snack & loud kisses. (Son will realize that he no longer gets the attention he wants by being bad.)

A great book is "Siblings Without Rivalries". It gives you lots of great tools as well as helps you understand how it might look from your son's perspective.

One thing to try is to have some play sessions for your son to play through (and get out) any negative thoughts and emotions he may have. This isn't the time to teach - it's how his little toddler head sorts out his feelings and how he should act. I've heard many stories of how this can get passionately ugly even, but afterwards the air is cleared and things become much improved.

Also, can you wear her or put her in a backpack for awhile to give yourself a break?

update:
some kids like to have jobs to do to be a helpful contributor to the baby.

one other thing, tell your son TONS of stories of what you when he was a baby. Let him know that he got lots of love and had his baby time too.

Oh, my middle son was like this when the baby came along. He thought it was funny to push her down and of course wanted our attention, even if it was negative! He was 2 1/2 when she was born. I have to say he is more loving now that she is older. (He is nearly 4 and she is 16 months). Now he is such a good big brother and helps her up on the couch to sit next to him or holds her hand outside.
I just had to really watch him all the time when my daughter was a baby and couldn't ever leave him alone with her even for a second. I know how you are feeling! I would carry her around in the sling or Moby wrap if I was making dinner or something where I wouldn't be able to watch my son's every move.

I did the same thing Amy J did with my kids. It only happened once or twice. I don't tolerate bullying with my two there is enough of it in the world we don't need it in among each other (meaning our family). Not to mention they can really hurt each other. My kids are the best of friends and play so well together. They are almost 3.5 and almost 2.

I've got the same situation with my sweet, smart, wonderful 2.5 year old and her 7 month old baby sister. It's totally out of character for her to act this way and I constantly discipline her but NOTHING has worked.. I'm reading Siblings Without Rivalry (as someone mentioned) and it's GREAT but it's more geared toward older kids. My hope is that this too shall pass and we all make it out alive. lol! I just wanted to let you know that your son isn't the only kid doing this...must be somewhat common. Best of luck!

Sometimes spanking doesn't help and makes the situation worse. My son is a little over a year and I have a nephew who is almost 2. My nephew is starting to be very mean-- has hit my son with toys on the back of the head, pushes him down, tackles him, aggressively steals toys, etc. My brother "discplines" him by spanking and telling him firmly NO, guess what? It still happens and it doesn't work.

All kids are different, I'm not a spanker and my son is slowly learning the boundaries very well and does not react that way towards my nephew or my niece who is 2 months younger than my son.

OP, in your situation I would look at it from the angle of why is he reacting that way. Most likely it's jealousy, how can you fix it? Make more special time with him without baby sis-- try and go to the park or read a book. Talk about emotions in the act, what he can't do with a what he can do instead right behind, etc.

And after my nephew hurts my son my brother requires that he gives a hug, kiss, and to say sorry. They're young and they just don't understand how to effectively express their emotions and how they can hurt others. My psychologist requires me to think of it from their perspective first and it's really helped with my style of discipline.

You instint is to punish your son immediately, but try to give all your attention to the baby first. Comfort her, cuddle her, and make sure that she is all right.

A few minutes later, discipline your son.

Hopefully, this will reduce the attention that he gets for his action.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. When the 2.5 year old is mean towards the baby (pushing, hitting etc) I put him in a time out and then very loudly make a big deal over the baby and how hurt she is and that it will be okay. After his two minute time out he usually goes and gives the baby a hug and says sorry (this took time to get to but now he does it without me asking).

If he steals the baby's toys I make him give it back.

A good book we read is "Hands are not for Hitting"

I hear ya on the blood pressure thing. Some days I'm in constant heightened stress. I try to remember that he's 2.5 and has no or little impulse control. Days when he gets really bad I sit him at the table and let him draw/paint etc. for a bit to calm down. Good luck!

Updated

I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. When the 2.5 year old is mean towards the baby (pushing, hitting etc) I put him in a time out and then very loudly make a big deal over the baby and how hurt she is and that it will be okay. After his two minute time out he usually goes and gives the baby a hug and says sorry (this took time to get to but now he does it without me asking).

If he steals the baby's toys I make him give it back.

A good book we read is "Hands are not for Hitting"

I hear ya on the blood pressure thing. Some days I'm in constant heightened stress. I try to remember that he's 2.5 and has no or little impulse control. Days when he gets really bad I sit him at the table and let him draw/paint etc. for a bit to calm down. Good luck!

On thing I heard, which will not cut down the problem in the short term but may help in the longer term is to occasionally tell the baby "Sally, Mommy is going to put you down [or "let you play on the on the rug by yourself" or "have Daddy hold you" etc.] because Mommy wants to and and needs to spend time playing with big brother Billy."

Also, any time he is playing near her and is being good, reward his behavior: "Billy, Mommy is so proud of how you are playing and not teasing your sister." Or, even better, if can do something, like dangle keys for her to try to grab, while you're changing her diaper, praise him to the sky for doing that. Giving him jobs to do, and praising even the attempt, can be huge. Our little guy loves to help and feel like he can do the job, so we use that and praise his efforts and it keeps him busy from getting into trouble.

Also, give voice to his frustrations/jealously: "Billy, I know you don't want to share Mommy with baby Sally. Mommy knows you're frustrated. Let's sit and read a book the 3 of us (so that he doesn't think that doing that will get him sole and undivided attention of you.)"

Part of it may be, if he can get a reaction from the baby, that rewards him (knocking her down and making her cry and you mad will get a reaction; it's not positive attention, but it is attention, which he is probably craving). So make sure to schedule alone time with him, so he has special time with you....

You should not be trying to distract him. You should be disciplining him! A timeout is in order and explaining to him that in your family, you do not push each other. That can really hurt and will not be tolerated!