Sibling Rivalry

Wow! One of my friends recently went thru that. She laid out some ground rules for her sister. Her sister has 2 kids too and my friend has 3 kids and husband. So after a couple of weeks her sister moved out. She got her own apartment and a job. Both kids are elem age. SO far sounds like she's managing well. Hope that helps.

I am currently in your shoes with my mom & dad. After a terrible accident they moved into my home withmy daughter, husband & me. Sadly we are paying all the bills & buy all the groceries. For several months I was doing everything cleaning & cooking, finally we came up with a system of trading chores. One day I cook my mom cleans then next we trade. It helps out were I don't feel quite so used. In the end though take care of your family first & your sister second. It may be hard but giving your sister the boot but it may be the best thing for her, forcing her to take responsibility for her family. Hope some of this is helpful.

Alot of people get very depressed around the holidays. Suggest she go out and get some fresh air. I'm told this helps give them a better perspective on things and cheers them up, which would hopefully get her motivated to help you. Maybe she needs an antidepressent?? What about a chore chart? I've seen some cute ones that you can customize on ebay. Good luck!

You know I just went through the same thing with my sister and her three year old son. I wanted to help her out but more so my nephew I was worried about there sittuation!!! Well she did the same thing that you say your sister is doing right now so I sat down with her and had several conversations about what I was feeling and what I thought to be fair. Well needless to say she turned it into the what about me me me . . . My husband and I finally told her that she was going to have to start pitching in more and pay a little rent and I do mean a little like 50.00 but we just wanted her take responsibility! Well needless to say she ended up calling my mom and mving in with her. Now my mom is having the same problem. So what I have learned is that sometimes people take until there is nothing left to give and move on to the next person. Mabey try asking you sister what her plans are " What would you do if I lost my job tomorrow and I couldn't afford to have you with me anymore?" See what she says and go from there. Hope this helps a lttle

Pam,

Wow! My kudos goes to you for helping your sister in her time of need. I know you stated in the begining that everything was going well. Your sister helping out around the house and everything, and then it started going differently as time went on. I would say at this point is to hold steady and be as good of a role model with your sister that your children can follow your example with each other. I do not know what your sister's situation is, but I know that at some point this too will change and she will be able to provide for herself and children. If you do end up getting into arguments, try not to do them in front of yours/her children, but take it in another room. Do not expect her to do things, be cheerful in doing them yourself and her eyes will be opened as she sees just how much you do for her and her children. Be patient and stay the course lean on God to give you strength in your time of need. God Bless you with patience and perserverence.

J.

Dear P.,

I understand what you are going through. Last year my sister called me right before the holidays and told me she was pregnant and didn't want to live in Iowa with our aunt anymore. So I moved her in with me and my two children. As with your sister she helped out alot when she first moved in, as time passed I was busting my butt to keep us afloat. It got to the point that I was working then coming home to take care of my children and my niece, not that I mind but she couldn't do the smallest things for me around the house. Then sadly one day I couldn't take anymore and I told her she had to shape up or ship out. She of course through the baby (then almost three months old) in my face and asked what she is supposed to do for money. I told her after the baby was born that she needed to look for work and get on her feet but she chose not to.

Communication is a big key in any relationship, even with sisters! You have to put your foot down and make a change, not just for you and your children but for hers too. I know it is hard to do, believe me, it hurt to have to kick my sister and niece out. But now that everything is said and done we have a closer bond now then we have had in a long time. I hope this helps, if you want to talk more feel free to message me.

I think you need to sit her down, don't come at her to make her defensive, and tell her what you need her to do to participate in the house and with her kids. Otherwise, she needs to find another place to live because it's a lot on you.

please do not let her out . try sitting him down and letting him know all that borthers you about her and how uncomfortable you are becoming .God bless E..

If it were me I would sit down with her in a calm matter and lay down the law. This is your house and being a single mom is stressful enough, you dont need the extra...Im a single mom with 5....Have a great night. T.

I hate to hear things like this. The problem is that when people need help they often start to feel entitled to it, which is to say that they are feeling sorry for themselves. I'd like to say sit her down and talk to her, tell her that you cannot be responsible for your own family and also hers. This is of course the first step. I have a feeling however that being nice about this isn't going to get you anywhere. I would not tell her help out or get out, but I would tell her that you would have to put her out of the house within say a 6o day period if she didn't contribute more to the house. The object is to make HER responsible for putting her kids out on the street or in a good home, and not you. I know this sounds harsh, but you have to take care of yourself and your family first and foremost. It is truly wonderful of you to have helped her, but you are not a bottomless pit of support, energy, or money. Talk to her about how you feel, and if that doesn't work tough love is in order. I'm not saying just tell her to get out, I'm saying tell her what she has to do in order to stay and give her a time limit for improvement, then if she doesn't make that deadline kick her out. I know it sounds horrible putting her and her children out, but she is the one that holds responsibility for them. If you give her time and she doesn't improve then force her to. If it really scares you then go to the local human services dept and get all the info on housing, food stamps, and medicaid so that you know the kids will remain healthy and taken care of.

I hope this is helpful, but like all advice take what you want from it and discard the rest.

P.,
I WAS IN THE SAME BOAT WITH MY SISTER. I LIVED WITH HER AND HER FAMILY. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST OF FRIENDS. I DID ALL THE COOKING AND CLEANING. I LOST MY PLACE TO LIVE AND SHE VOLUNTEERED TO LET ME LIVE WITH HER. WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT I WAS PUTTING A STRIAN ON HER AND HER HUSBAND SHE MADE ME GO LIVE BACK AT MY PARENTS. I GOT A BETTER JOB AND I AM SAVING UP MONEY TO MOVE OUT ON MY OWN. MAYBE TAKE HER OUT TO LOOK AT APPARTMENTS AND GIVE HER IDEAS OF HOW COOL IT WOULD BE TO BE ON HER OWN. I KNOW THAT IT HARD. I AM THE OLDEST OUT OF 8 SO WHEN I GAVE UP THAT WAS THE WORST THING THAT I COULD HAVE DONE. I HAD A BIG PART IN RAISING MY SIBLINGS. HANG IN THERE AND IF YOU NEED SUPPORT I WILL BE HER FOR YOU!!!!!!

a household is only big enough for one woman! is she depressed? get her help. is she just taking advantage of you? people only take advantage of you if you allow them to. girlfirend, it's your house and you shouldnt be afraid to live inyour house, she needs to stop what she's doing or get out, baby or not. Did you get her in the situation she is in? if not then it's not your problem. help her get help from state agencies etc. if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach aman to fish he will eat for a life time.push her into the right direction so she can have her own place and be self sufficient. set a time limit... by such and such a date, i need my home back, i will help you as much as i can but i will not allow you to make me feel guilty, im sorry for your situation but this is not working out

Hi P.,

Wow, I've been through this more times than I can count, with my brother, my sisters, my mother, and my father, even a cousin. What can I say....I'm a slow learner. I fell for every story, hook, line and sinker. Each and every time turned out the same in the end, I had to put my foot down and have "the talk" gave a time frame for them to get it together and get out. Without that talk they would all probably still be with us now. I just can't stand to see anyone down on their luck, especially my own family, but when you start feeling taken advantage of and your own house becomes uncomfortable to be in, that is when you have to put your foot down and think of your own children and yourself. There was some sour times with my family because of this, but now me and my whole family get along just fine, including my sisters and I. Have the talk, be firm and set a definite date. She might not be happy with you for a while, but be prepared for that. She will be all right on her own. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi P..
My husband, stepson, daughter and I just moved back to Albuqueque after being in Kansas for a while. We are building a house and staying with my inlaws. My mom in law originally said we didn't need to contribute but she started complaining under her breath. She said since we were saving we didn't need to help but I decided to buy the groceries weekly, since I have more mouths to feed! But things quickly got out of hand. All the sudden I was paying phone bills, cable bills (we don't have cable in our room!)I also cook for everyone and clean everyday all day for everyone. I even ended up doing everyones laundry. Oddly enough it turned out the opposite for me! I found it hard to confront my mom in law.
This is what I did. I still buy all the groceries, but only meal prep stuff and snacks for my kids, ovbiously I cook for all but only put away my families dishes. I still pick up the whole house once in the morning, after that I only clean my families mess. I pay only the bills that we owe or add to .Communication is best but there are a lot of ways of communicating and sometimes talking is hard! This really worked. Now everyone does their part and I am still contributing.