How to Overcome the Feeling of Being Taken Advantage Of

What a wonderful person you are. I say CELEBRATE and SMILE. Enjoy these last few weeks............ WHOO HOO.. You did it !

you are being taken advantage of. you need to sit them down and have a realistic conversation. Start with I know this was the plan and you were buying a house. but now that it is not happening we need to re evaluate. they should be paying you rent. maybe not half the payment but at least several hundred dollars a month. half the utilities and whatever they use in groceries. it is not confusing at all. ask them what they feel is fair as far as rent goes from now till they move. if they feel that they shouldn't pay anything to you then they should move.

Hopefully they are planning on compensating you at a later date. They will be moving soon, and since you didnt make a monetary obligation arrangement from the get go, you pretty much have to figure you are doing this from your heart. Your payback will be big one day, even if it doesnt come from them :)
Hang in there.

Focus on the positives. You guys were awesome to open up your house and take them in. That really is a big deal! Now even better, they are moving out....because there is light at the end of tunnel just be happy with your family that you unselfishly have taken them in. Don't say a word to them or anyone....it will work for you in the future!

I agree that if it sounds like you're near the end, no need to get into it now. If for some reason they don't move out, however, then I would formulate a new plan. I would talk to hubby first, but then I would approach them and say that originally you had thought this was only going to be for a few months, but this process is taking longer than you all thought. I would then tell them that are still welcome to stay but you have to start asking for a little help with the utilities, etc. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay to do. I'm sure it won't come to that and hopefully the transition is just around the corner!

Sometimes when you're sick of giving, there's nothing to do but give some more! You're in the homestretch--don't get all weird now.
They may be oblivious to the fact that you're feeling the pinch. Who knows when the tables might be turned. You did a good thing. You can sleep well knowing that. :)

In the long run it's probably better to just let it go. If you don't all they will remember is you felt taken advantage of instead of how warm and gracious you were to open your home. I used to waitress and I remember having a man who always sat in my section and never tipped. I hated it and it always bummed me out so I started killing him with kindness ( adding a little xtra whipped cream to his dessert after he had eaten half, bringing him over an extra container of dip in advance.) little things really but it brought the old grump out of his shell and he eventually became one of my best customers. The point is don't choose to be offended treat them well because it's only for a while and throw out little comments how the kids can't wait to have sleep overs at their house when it's done and how you can't wait to have dinner over there after they move in.....

They are moving out shortly, so let it go.

And you never know: Maybe they'll buy you guys something amazing in thanks for your generosity.

Tori H said what I was going to say.

Hang in there till the end of the month.. If they do not have the house by then, sit down with your husband and try to do an overview of what the expenses have been the last few months and come up with an agreement, they start sharing expenses. You will have an idea of utilities and food cost averages. Then sit down and see if they want to pay on a weekly basis or a monthly basis..

You have been very gracious, but I hardly know anyone I would be willing to continue paying 90% of their living expenses.. after 2 months.

Okay I have read some of the comments and here is mine. While you did not give them a specific time, five months by any stretch of the imagination is too long. Several comments have been "you didn't ..." well what about your in laws? They bear some responsibility to this situation. Now, that being said, they are moving out. Should this not happen, I would then sit them down and have a conversation about while you have enjoyed having them, should they need additional time, some changes need to be made and financial contributions will need to be made on their end. Good luck!

Yes, you have to control yourself. It's human nature to make generous offers and then resent the lack of feedback. You said they could stay as long as they needed to, and they did. You "thought" it would be only a couple of months, but you didn't say, "You can stay as long as you need to within a couple of months." I get, it, now it's been LONG and a lot of money, but they really are moving, and not staying. They are good people and going forward, your relationship will be great because of this. Sincerely pat yourself on the back for the generosity you showed them, and don't feel bad. They have a lot of expenses coming up with moving, and you guys are settled. You do have more mouths to feed out of the large grocery runs. Sure, it would be nice if they paid even steven for the groceries (we've ALL been there with the guests and roommates who end up costing a fortune), but be grateful you have the money and that it's only temporary. You did a great thing, now force yourself to feel great about it! :)
(this is all based on the fact you say they are moving out soon. If they end up staying longer, tell them nicely you need a more even split on the bills and groceries, because you and the hubs are feeling strained)

Ok, I'm going to say this not being critical - but God doesn't judge people till they're dead - you shouldn't either!!! Maybe they had something REALLY special planned for when they move out!!! I wouldn't say anything to them until they're gone and settled in their new place - see what may happen without making their last few days uncomfortable or with bad feelings. You don't know their intent and I wouldn't pressure anyone to live up to your expectations. You made an offer, so how can you fault them, when you don't know what's in their hearts or minds? Just wait - there's time for confrontation later.....

I think either they should just be getting their own groceries or paying $100 a week toward the grocery fund. Where I come from they charge for things like toilet paper, paper towels, laundry soap etc. So they need to cough up the moola!! Since you guys went into it without a clear set of expectations it is a little tough, but they aren't paying rent, so it isn't like you would be burdening them! You could probably just tell them that you don't mind them being there, but as it has gone on longer than any of you expected you would like them to give you $100 each Friday for household goods until their home is ready. You are probably getting grumpy bc they just need to go, it starts to get stressful when people stay too long, even if they can't help it. My good friend let a family that are also good friends stay awhile while their house got ready and she was ready to kick them to the curb by the end!!! I think they were pretty over it too, they are still great friends today, each in their own homes! It will be ok, but I still say you should politely ask for a specific amount, they should have been doing it all along, but sometimes people don't realize....good luck!

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Well, it's in the past now, but you should have had a good talk with them before they moved in. Y'all said they could stay as long as they wanted and didn't ask for anything....but now the time has gotten much longer than you expected.
So if your husband feels the same way, the 4 of you are going to have to sit down and come to different terms.
Your husband should do most of the talking---they are his blood relatives.

My advice: since you asked---don't do this again without clear expectations up front. My parents did this when one of my sisters (at age 22) needed to move back home for awhile.
It made all the difference.

Oh, and read the book: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

Good luck!

Have you talked to your DH about this? Is he feeling the say way (maybe he is but hasn't said anything). If at all possible, talk to him first and see if you can both come to an agreement about what to do. Ideally, it would be for a family conference with the in-laws, and to let them know that while they are welcome to stay, originally it had been for a couple of months and has now stretched into 4+ with the end not close in sight, and it's getting expensive. Let them know that they are still very welcome to stay, but that you're asking for specific assistance in covering specific items (and be specific about amounts). If at all possible, have DH be the one to start this with them--they may be less likely to be unreasonable.

Some options are: divvying up the water bill by the number of people, and then asking them to contribute (if it's $150, and there are 5 people in the house, then it's $60 for the in-laws per month), etc. for other bills as applicable. Ask them to give $X per month to you for groceries (food only- they can buy their own shampoo, deordorant, etc.); or, if that is not going to work, set aside a specific shelf and cupboard(s) for their food items, and have them buy their own foods.

They may bring up the Christmas presents, etc., but explain nicely that the generous presents were appreciated, but they don't help pay the bills for the 5 (or 6 or 7 or whatever the number is) people now living in the house, and making sure that the bills are paid and there's enough food for everyone, with all adults chipping in, is more important that gifts, now or in the future. And/or ask that in lieu of gifts for the next X months, they chip in on the bills.

Good luck with this possibly sticky situation.

All you need to do, is you and Hubby tell them they need to share in the expenses all around.
They are getting, a good hand out. If that is how they view it. (?)
Meanwhile, resentment is brewing... with you.
How about your Husband?
Did you talk about it with your Husband????

They work too. So they can, contribute money for the bills/utilities/water etc. THEY are using it too, daily.

The thing is, you/Hubby NEVER asked them to contribute to the costs. So, they never offered.
And you never discussed the cost/paying of the groceries, either.
So that is a monkey on your, back.

But it is your Husband's family... he should know how you feel and talk to them.

If you didn't tell them in the beginning that you expected any $ from them, then you really shouldn't be upset about anything with them. I suspect you're more upset w/ yourself for not laying down some ground rules in the first place with them.

You probably won't be able to overcome the feeling. Maybe I'm raw to these types of situations after dealing with them myself but I'm suprised how many people are saying to just let it go. That seems to be the cure all answer on this site to everything.. Just 'let it go'. Don't get me wrong I'm all for helping out and in some instances I think it is best to let it go too. But it definitely sounds like they are taking advantage. How in God's name could they be oblivious to you and your hubby feeling the extra pinch?? And of course you didn't lay down rules in the beginning since you were under the impression that it would only be for a month or 2. But that's where the problem lies, you told them to stay as long as needed, and they took it literally. And I'm sure they're really nice, they're getting a free ride! I'm curious how nice they would be if the shoe was on the other foot. It blows my mind that they don't have the sense to offer any rent/utilities and buy more groceries. And now you have to worry about their 'feelings' along with the added costs?? I think you've been gracious enough after having them there for 5 months and they are the ones who should be worried about how YOU will remember them. It sure seems like they aren't concerned with you picking up the extra costs so I say you shouldn't be worried about gently bringing it up to help out a little more or have your husband mention it. They should fully understand especially since you have kids and if they don't, then don't hold your breath waiting for them to give some amazing payback in the future. It's common sense, why should you be expected to behave so graciously when they obviously aren't?? Oh and I agree with Dawn stop buying groceries! Let them get the hint, eat out if you have to. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I can't stand when family members freeload.

sometimes I get fed up and just have an honest talk adult to adult. I usually wish I had waited and not had the talk.
Also, like Kelly said.you are more upset with you. Figure out what the rules will be next time and stick to them.
I had to do this with babysitting to help people out. Two out of seven moms tried to take advantage. It caused hard feelings with me that I gave in on something and hard feelings with them when I said no more.
:0) You are kind to help them out.

You said they could stay as long as the needed, not that they could stay a month or 2 and after that you expected some sort of compensation. I know what you're feeling because I have been in similar situations and when I look at the big picture, I wasnt clear and didnt set boundaries. Look at it as a learning experience and dont let it happen again. Its family so of course youre quick to offer assistance w/o truly thinking about it in full spectrum. Dont look at it as charity work!!! That sound horrible, just recognize that you are helping them, as you have.

I think they are being incredibly inconsiderate. When we stayed at some friends' house for a week on vacation, we were not only buying groceries, but then gave them a grocery gift card and an additional nice gift as a thank you after we left. And that was just a week. First of all, I would NEVER take advantage and interrupt someone's home life for that long. I would get a long term hotel room at a residence inn and negotiate a rate before I would risk family relationships. (part of the cost of moving) So yes, they are being inconsiderate... first, to stay... and second, to not go overboard offering more financial assistance than their share. All that said, the end is near and I'm thinking you may do more harm than good to bring it up at this point. You really could create a distance with your sister that could last forever. I would probably just hold my tongue, grin and bear it until the end of the month. Maybe they will offer a gift at the end after they move and sort of redeem themselves. Otherwise, you may just find your self distancing for a little while until time heals. I wish I thought "talking" about it would help, but I have yet to see that have a positive result amongst in laws. Good luck. Throw you and your family a little celebration dinner after they leave!!!

Florence,
I love to write and am also a therapist. One of the activities I do and often have my clients do is write a letter to the person you are resentful about and let all of it out in a safe way. Writing may not be your thing but I find that it lets it out instead of festering and sometimes (not always) helps me let it go but it always gives me more understanding of what I really want under the resentment. Then you can destroy the letter in some way if you wish.

I have been in similar situations and agree that much of it may come from the lack of clarity about how this was going to work. Who knows, they may want to contribute but think you might be offended or something. After you understand what you want, you might choose to communicate some of this to them. Maybe all it would take is a thank you.

I agree you did a wonderful, generous thing and please give yourself credit for this. Giving without expectation of return is very difficult but God bless those that can do it.

Best,
S.