Should One Be Forced to Go to an Event Just to Keep Peace in the Family?

Honestly, Sam I Am, I would send a lovely gift, an over the top card, and have flowers delivered during the shower for all attendees to see.

If your husband is okay with not attending - then you should just avoid the drama, and the expense.

Go on a picnic that day instead.

God Bless

Mail a gift...I would not go. Why frustrate yourself you already know you wouldn't have fun and you would have to deal with drama you don't need. I would make a stand and not go. Give them something to talk about LOL maybe they will get the hint

just send a gift and your regrets...nothing else...with the cost of gas and your time it's just not worth it - especially since you've already been told your not really wanted or welcome.

I definitely would NOT go.

Its 4 hours in a car with kids for a weekend of you stewing over how you don't want to be there. Every little slight or nuance will be a thorn in your side. Then when drama does blow up, you'll add the 'i knew this would happen' guilt and a 'you ruined Jenny's baby shower' title to your ever growing list of accomplishments =-)

So, just send a really nice gift, I would say of $70 - $100. (don't forget to include the gift receipt!), with a nice card showing your sincere regrets for not being able to share in the joyous moment (cough/gag!)

That way you save yourself TONS of time, money, and aggrevation!

Note: I'm going away for Fri-Sun in a few weeks and its going to cost me around $100 with no extras to board my 70lb dog. So that price is NOT unheard of.

M.

If you can't please anyone, then just please yourself.
Stay home. Send a gift, card and flowers and call it a day.

Suddenly become very ill. There you go. Wella

No ma'am,you do not need to grace them with your presence,.

Where is your husband? What does he wnt/think you should do?

My husband would call his mother and tell he not only was I not going to attend, but also exactly why. I know this because he has done this for me before. I no longer speak with my MIL or SIL. After 25+ years of being treated as an outsider, my husband agreed, I was o longer obligated to deal with his mom and sister.

I have not once wonderred, "Gee I wonder how MIL and SIL are doing."

You are in a no win situation. Since your inlaws will find a way to criticize you whether you attend the shower or stay home, do whatever you want.

I have to ask this ? Does your husband know that his mother just told you that you've been forced out of the family? If he is not aware then you need to tell him and if he is aware then he needs to call his mother and sister and tell them that since the two of them have booted you out of their family then NONE of you will be attending their family functions...period....end of discussion.

I think the whole thing is being blown out of proportion (I went back and read your post about how it started). Isn't your hubby doing anything about this? Sounds like he may need to intervene and have a talk with his mom. I would definitely not go. Furthermore, if you have already been "forced out of the family" you are then under no obligation to attend, send a card or gift, or even acknowledge SIL, MIL or baby shower at all. If hubby feels it is necessary, he can send a card, gift etc. That sounds like quite a bit of an expense to make the trip. Have hubby call and explain why you won't be going. No excuses necessary. They have no one to blame but themselves for how they are acting.

What "peace in the family"? You answered your own question. There isn't peace with these people whether you're there or not. Don't go, send a card with a $100 gift card and call it a day. I don't know how old you are but when you get older, you suddenly realize how short life is (this hit me when I turned 40) and you don't have to waste it on people and things that make you unhappy. Start to take action now and limit your time with these losers. Keep you yourself, your husband and kids happy. Good luck.

The only thing worse than having your husband's family talk badly about you behind your back is spending a ton of $$, wasting a weekend AND having them talk behind your back. Honestly, they're not going to like you any better if you attend, so simply say you're "not able to make it" (actually, have your husband tell them and then don't entertain any questions about it from anyone).
I learned a long time ago that my husband's sisters have issues that have mostly nothing to do with me but they dislike me anyway. I can't control their words/actions/behavior but I can be cordial and live my life the best way I know how. We don't go anywhere or do anything just to keep the peace. We try to do the right thing and think of our daughter and our family first. Good luck.

I haven't read any responses yet, but I'll bet a few of them would crack me up, knowing the smart women on this site.

You can't control the actions of others; all you can do is control your own actions and make the healthiest choices possible.

You are keen in perceiving that this is a no win situation. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep myself at home. To me, there is something *insane* about putting yourself out of time and money to attempt to make a positive impression on people who have explicitly told you that this can't happen. I don't think I would even send flowers or try to be the 'bigger person'. Instead, send something sweet for the baby (with a gift receipt and a nice note saying "Just in case you have something else in mind") and let it go. They are going to say whatever they're going to say about you anyway. (I know this from personal experience, by the way.)

I think showing up also invites your SIL to gift herself with a hormonally-excused freak-out on you, which you don't really need. She sounds like a serious tiara-wearing Drama Queen Freakshow, from your previous posts. And her mother sounds like a real gem, too. You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree. If this mother and sister don't respect your husband (their brother and son) enough to treat you kindly or respectfully, let them go. So sad that people behave in this way. I feel sorriest for the baby-to-come.

Even if she was my best friend in the whole wide world, I would not board my dog and drive 4 hours to go.

So for her, certainly it wouldn't even stress me out one bit for not going.

However, I do think you should make a point to nip this in the bud, suck it up and make some phone calls asking if you all can put this nonsense in the past and start over with a fresh relationship.... and then actually work on it.

You said they already think negatively of you so there will not be any peace kept because you guys are already at war. I say stay home and send a gift if she's ever gotten your babies gifts. Otherwise save your money, stay home and enjoy the holiday by pretending they don't even exist.

Why waste time and money when you're not even really welcome? Don't go, it sounds like you'd be miserable! Just send a gift with a card saying you're sorry you're unable to attend and enjoy your weekend at home!

Since half of your dramas with your in-laws are of your own making, and that incident on Easter is not all their fault, I think you should suck it up and go to that shower. Be friendly, act excited, act interested, and change your attitude. If conversations with them get to be too much of whatever it is that annoys you about them, then fall back on "having something to take care of" around the house but you'll talk to them later on.

This is your husband's family and this is an important event coming up. It's not about you. It's about showing support and doing things that help form familial bonds. Prove your in-laws wrong. You owe it to your husband and children.

NO, it doesn't sound as though there is presently any peace to be kept. It sounds as though the inevitable is only at bay, and you are smart not to give into the instigating. I hope you have a healthy relationship with your husband, so he won't feel allegiance to his 'mean and immature' mother and sister. If I were you I would just send the gift and a note with regrets for not being able to attend their festive and their joyous event. You can use the pretense of the expense and that you'd rather save the expense for the visit with baby arrival. Good luck and don't ignore your feelings.

If it were me, I'd send an over the top gift and mushy card expressing your apologies in not making it. If you'd normally spend $50, spend $100 and spare yourself and them the uncomfortableness. Truthfully, you will probably both be relieved that you're not going!

Don't go. Why bother? I would definitely not go if I was being treated in this manner. Just send a gift with a card like you said. Pretend like it's no big deal, that it's just the economy and gas prices are ridiculous, etc. etc. It sounds like they probably will talk badly about you whether you go or not, so spare yourself the emotional pain (and save the money it would cost to go).

By the way, have you talked to your husband about all this? He really needs to be the one to defend you with his own family, and that is not right for them to say things like that to you. Good luck.

I say don't go! I know I wouldn't!!! Your mil and sil seem like B*tches. Sorry if that's rude but it sounds like they are. I wouldn't go. There already a issue so don't worry about it and just mail her a cheap baby shower card.

It doesn't like it would keep the peace for you to attend. So, do you want to be the mean SIL who attends the party and be bullied the entire time, or do you want to be the mean SIL who doesn't attend the party and instead has a great time doing something enjoyable? Apparently no matter what you do, your SIL and MIL are determined to be offended. Personally, I wouldn't attend.

What does your husband think? Share the senario with him and tell him you don't want to go and ask if he can be "the bad guy" and be part of your excuse?

In fact my hubby would already have talked to him mom and said that you you both are not going and that he needs to have "time to reflect on how our relationship will play out", end of story. I mena he CHOSE you, he just happened to him mom! (on a side note, if you parents did something like this to him I would also have a "time of relection" on the relationship)

I'm confused that you say that you only "feel slightly not welcomed" while you also say that your MIL says that you are already "out of the family"?

Send a gift and stay home. It's only a baby shower.

Are other people besides MIL & SIL going to be upset if you don't go? Or, more to the point, are other people--that you like or care about!--going to be upset? If the answer is yes, then maybe go, if it's not a financial burden.

If the answer is no, and everyone else realizes that MIL & SIL are drama queens and you're a decent person, may you don't need to go.

If you don't be sure to send a nice gift (maybe even go in on a big one with other family friends), and send a nice card.

First of all, I would have a sit down talk with my husband and have him handle the comments for me. There is no reason your husband should be OK with his family talking to you/treating you that way. Trust me, I know. I cut my mom out of our lives for a couple of years due to how she treated my SO.
Second, I would send a really nice gift and a mushy card (as was suggested below) stating how sorry I was I couldn't be there, but there is no way I would spend that much money to go. If you were really excited about going, that would be one thing, but to be going as an outcast in the family and spending that much money is entirely different.

I stopped going. Yes, they threw a fit. Yes, they lied to anyone who would listen and played the victim.
I don't regret not going and wish I had learned to say no sooner. We have plenty of legitimate reasons, but basically it is because I don't want to. I make husband send regrets because then she is lying on him, not me, and it doesn't drive him batty the way it does me.

Save the $$ and save your sanity. By then GAS PRICES could be a REAL viable excuse for a lot of people to bail out on family obligations.

No, I would not go. If they are that aggresive with you, trust me, they don't really want you there either. I would do like Leslie says, send an over the top gift (they can't complain about that) but save your sanity and nerves and go get a mani-pedi that day in your hometown!

Boy do I know exactly what your talking about.

I think its only a decision you can come to terms with. But it seems you are in a situation where it doesn't matter, you lose either way. Your darn if you do darn if you don't. So just decide what you feel is better. Endure the time traveling and enduring the drama first hand. Or send a well meaning gift and card and be able to avoid the drama at least for that day. The choice is yours.

Good luck & best wishes!

I also agree with Lesley B. go over the top so they can't forget, but I def would not attend.

I like all the 3 answer you got, I would add them all together, lol.
If you have somebody in that party you want to see, go, other way don't
Send her a beautiful flowers to be deliver that day at the babyshower time.
You wont win what ever you do so just do what makes you feel more in peace.
EDIT: I guess I was too slow because when I hit send you already had 7 answers and not 3, lol.
But you get the picture ;0)

Don't go if it is not in your heart to be there. You said your husband supports you, then that should bring comfort. Don't worry about pleasing the other side because they've already shown you they don't care about you. "I already have been." Sign the card and be done with it. Over time hopefully they will mature and meet you in the middle. Your MIL sounds like a freaking troublemaker who likes to keep up mess all the time. I feel not going sends them a message that you're not going to cater to them, and you're not going to be pushed around, you're not going to be pressured to be included when it's clear you're an outcast to them.

Stand your ground. That's a lesson it took me a while to learn but ignoring people sends a powerful message that will confuse them in the long run and perhaps force them to reach out to you. Either way, you only have one life, you're married to your husband, not his family. You first, people last!!!!

With the distanse and the situation I would send a wonderful gift (preferably one they HAVE to sign for) and my regrets. If I lived closer, I would probably suck it up and go. Of course, with the distance, you could go alone and not have to board you dog (attend the shower and immediately return home).

I like Lesley B's answer! I would see what your hubby feels like you should do also..

That was rude of your MIL to make that comment. But in spite of it all, BE the bigger person and remember you are married to their son/brother respectively and you are still not a stranger no matter how much they want to dismiss the idea.

You can go and bring a gift, make it special but know in the back of your mind what they expect. Show them up to be wrong in their thoughts without pushing yourself for them to like you. Go about your business and sit by yourself or mingle with others you feel comfortable with. They can't say you didn't show up, but you don't have to mingle with her per se, or do you have to show disgust. You are an adult, leave when you feel the need to and get on with your life. It's a baby shower and I know they are looking for every instance to point at you, so make it worth their while...Let them talk about how nice your gift was and how you left early...

If you planned to give a gift, you can always mail the gift w/a nice note stating that due to time & financial constraints you were not able to attend in person. Or if they require an RSVP, just let them know you won't be attending or you can just wait til the last minute & 'call in sick'. Hope this helps, good luck!

If you don't want to go, then don't. But I wouldn't try to use the 'excuse' that you referenced about the expense. Partly because it just doesn't add up.
4 hours to get there (x 2) at 75 mph = 600 miles. Your vehicle would have to get only 8 mpg to spend $300 on gas. What do you drive? It'd be cheaper to rent a car that gets 35 mpg for 2 days. And where do you kennel your dog? I have a german shepherd, who only stays in an inside/outside with a run "room", and they only charge $22 a day.

So, if you don't want to go, then don't. But if you try to pass off that the reason is because of $400 in expenses associated with going (gas and kennel) then you will look like a fool.

Nope, I wouldn't go. That sounds like a big ordeal, not to mention expensive, just to attend something where people don't like you anyway. I wouldn't feel bad about not attending something that you don't feel welcome at. I would just send a gift, and say you won't be able to attend. You don't have to give them any other reason than that. Why don't they like you? Has your husband asked them what their problem is? No one needs all that drama, don't let it get you down.