Hi Mamas - I was supposed to participate in my first triathlon today. To put this in perspective, I am as non-athletic as one can get and have been overweight for 25 years (size 16 even with 4 months of training). So doing this isn't easy for me but I was really excited (and totally terrified) to do this today. I got up at 5:30, drove to the race (alone), had a terrified "I can't do this" cry along the way, got it out of my system, and when I started to bike from the parking lot to the race site, realized that I did something dopey while adjusting the handlebars and made my bike un-rideable! So I had to drop out of the race (and had a good cry about that LOL) but walked 2 miles to and from the race site, watched the race and it was totally worth it even though I didn't participate. Seeing a race first-hand really calmed me down and I signed up for another one in September. So what am I upset about?
I got home and all of the kids asked me how it went (very sweet) and they were all awesome about saying "you'll do it next time" and "well you'll just have to try again." When my husband got home, he didn't even ASK ME about the race. He just went and took a nap, complained that a wrench was missing, bitched about a couple of other things and then left while I was doing some cleaning. He has no idea that I didn't do the race, that I was really disappointed and upset about that, that I had to repair my bike when I got home, etc.
I really could have used his support today. I expected that when I got home and told him that I didn't do the race that he would laugh at me and go on and on about how much time and money I spent on this and didn't even do the event, because he can be really mean-spirited about stuff like this (he's that a-hole whose first instinct is to laugh when someone falls down, even before making sure they're OK). I've given up on trying to figure out why he delights in other people's failures, can't stand when other people succeed (jealously, low self-esteem blah blah blah).
So to get to the question - given that I'm upset already, should I bother to try to have a serious conversation with him to let him know that I could have used some support today and that I am hurt that he didn't ask about this at all even though he knows how much I put into this and how important it was to me? Or am I just setting myself up for more disappointment when that conversation doesn't go well. Should I bring this up in marriage counseling (we have another appointment this week) or because it's a known issue, let it go. How do I re-set my own expectations to avoid being continually hurt by this kind of reaction to the things I do?
Thanks!
My husband does tri's, so I know what goes into it. Keep it up. I would say, "when you don't support me, I feel disappointed." and STOP. don't whine cry or anything just look at him and see what he has. repeat as needed.....
I am sorry for you, but applaud you for at least getting out there. Baby steps. From every little thing that happened today regarding the race, you can learn from it for next time. And yes....there SHOULD be a next time. You'll know to be more prepared, you'll already have experienced the fear and the nerves, next time you can be prepared for all of it and have it in perspective.
If it was me, I wouldn't say anything to my husband. Be proud of yourself and the fact that you got up to go. Don't be a martyr if you know he'll put you down. I would wait until the next counseling session to bring it up. That way you can do it in a controlled setting where you can state your feelings and hopefully he can listen to you. Hopefully you can get an honest response from your husband as to why he's not more supportive.
One thing I learned in marriage counseling is that my husband was very insecure and he didn't want me doing things I enjoyed or getting involved in things that didn't interest him because he was afraid if I got happy having outside interests, I wouldn't want him anymore. He didn't support any of my interests and frankly accused me of being a selfish wife for not caring solely for my family. He sabotaged things so I would either be late or not be able to get to appointments or meetings. He was threatened by anything I wanted to do. That was HIS problem.
I wouldn't let it go entirely, but I would address it when you have someone there to help analyze his response.
You just have to find a way to gauge your happiness on your own expectations of yourself. Your husband may never be the kind to show up and cheer you on because you're doing something he, himself, would never have the nerve to do or even try.
Keep up with the counseling. If it doesn't change or save your marriage, at least you can get some validation and strength for moving on with your goals for your own life.
I wish you the best.
I would definitely bring it up in counseling. I suspect that his lack of emotional support is one of the major reasons you're having difficulty in your marriage and why you're in counseling. I would wait until counseling session because he's shown you over time that he's unable to be sympathetic. You'd be setting yourself up for the response you expected which will just add to your pain.
Counseling is for known issues!
I think it's absolutely wonderful that you've gone ahead, done the training, and stayed for the race even tho you couldn't participate. Your response is so healthy!
My guess is that the stronger you get, the more difficult he is going to get.
If it were me I'd bring it up in counseling alone, bide my time until my kids get grown, and in the meantime fortify myself for the future (and tread water with him, again, only until my kids are grown and I wouldn't tip him off on that).
That's just me, and it's probably an unpopular answer.
Even if you didn't get to compete in the triathlon, you still TRAINED FOR IT and that's a huge accomplishment, so congratulations. You followed through, too, which is great. Now you're that much ahead of yourself for training for September... you're months ahead.
As for your husband, I would calmly bring up the subject about what happened today. "So I wanted to tell you what happened at the triathlon today. Are you interested in hearing my story? I was eager to talk about it when you got home but you seemed distracted so I didn't bring it up." See what he says at that point. When you're done telling him about the day, let him know you're disappointed that he didn't ask you how things went on his own. Just keep it simple and emotion-free if you can and see what his response is. If he asks something man-like, such as, "What do you expect me to do now," you can say, "I plan to bring this up in our counseling session because it did hurt my feelings that you showed no interest in something so important to me. We don't have to talk about this now but I wanted to let you know so that we can talk it through in counseling."
He probably didnt even remember that the race was today. I say,, tonight, at dinner, you say this. "Honey, would you like to know how I did in the race today?",,and he should say,, "umm, err, ok, yeah, burp,,how did it go?" Then you respond, "I won".. and get up from the table and dont say another word.
No,just kidding,, really,, you dont need to make more problems, but guys dont always think about us needing praise and support. They think they are too self sufficient and dont think we need what they dont need. They are of course wrong, but this is what they think. So, just dont take it personally and tonight just say, "well I had a terrible time with the race thing",,and then let him know what happend. While you know you needed support and consideration, he probably didnt. It would be a good thing to bring up in your counselling session. Maybe so he hears how it made you feel to not have him even aware of what you were going thru.
AND good job training!!!
In my experience, most men don't ask questions. I think my husband has asked me approximately 5 questions in 20 years. I vividly remember one guy I went out with (and I went out with a bunch), who looked into my eyes and asked me all kinds of questions about myself, which I was definitely not used to, and he actually seemed interested in my answers. This was so unique in a male, that I have remembered this guy now for three decades. Unfortunately, one day we were sitting on the sofa kissing, and he turned his head, and I got a look at massive amounts of ear wax emerging from his ears, and it grossed me out so much that I dumped him. I've often wondered if I should have just taught him to clean out his ears and enjoyed his deep and caring personality.
Anyway, I digress. Don't expect a guy to ask questions. You should have just told him about it. I think the thing you should bring up in marriage counseling is that he sounds like a bit of a mean, self-centered, grouchy jerk. Is there a way to put that nicely? That seems more to the point than that, like most other males, he doesn't ask questions.
At least your kids cared about you. Not sure if my answer is helpful, but there it is.
And by the way -- good for you for attempting the tri! I've done two, and the hardest part for me, surprisingly, was the swimming. Murky, choppy water, with two many fast swimmers in it, all passing you. But once you get past that, the rest is easy. It was a sprint-tri, I take it? You'll do it next time.
And I like the way Jessica put it.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but your husband doesn't sound like a nice person. Or, perhaps he is nice to others, but definitely not nice to you. You have put yourself out there and done something very brave and strong, and you should be congratulated on that and supported by your family. Your kids sound great, but if he is setting this example for them, you can expect them to pick up some of it too. It is good you are in counseling, because it sounds like your relationship needs a lot of work if you are going to have any chance of happiness. I hope you keep going on trying to be a better happier person, regardless of him. If he can't keep up, that will be his problem. And frankly, if it were me, I would have immediately said, hey, what's wrong with you, don't you even want to know how I did in the race today? The fact that you are agonizing over whether to mention it or not says a lot about the lack of communication between you and also about the fact that you are afraid to stand up for yourself.
This may sound harsh, but it is SOMETHING TO PONDER: But first I want to congratulate you for starting to do something about your fitness and health. I hope you will continue to do something daily to strengthen your body and soul.
After so much preparation getting ready for this event you were still fearful that you would not be able to do it. Your bike should have been ready to go the night before. I believe you may have sub-consciously made sure you would not be able to take part in the triathlon. Your two mile walk may have been the best you could do...this time. Your husband of many years is probably use to a lot of crying and a lot of start/stops/I can't do it, on your part and has become somewhat immune (though insensitive) to your emotional outbursts.
Unless your husband asks you before your next counseling appointment or the kids bring it up in his presence, I would just mention to the counselor that you didn't take part in the triathlon (this time), but you did walk two miles and you have already signed up for the September event and it would be important to you to have your husband and children present for family support.
There's nothing wrong with crying but as I mentioned above when you do it all the time people become immune. I wish you all the best in your next event. Maybe you could ask your husband to make sure your bike is fully prepared.
Blessings.....
Yes, I would bring it up. Wait till you calmed down a little, and tell him exactly what you told us (with no emotion and no crying): That this was a really big deal to you and that you were surprised and disappointed that he didn't even ask how it went. And that you would really like his support on this, because it means a lot more to him than he'll ever realized. Then tell him how it did go, and that you signed for the next on X date. And ask for his help fixing the handlebars or a tutorial on doing it so that if you have it happen again at the next one, you can fix it. And let it go (at least in outward appearance, let it go, even if you're still steaming a bit on the inside).
Then, when it gets close to the next one, make a general announcement at dinner that the race is X date, and you hope that even if they can't make it on the day to watch, they will think happy thoughts for you. (nice subtle reminder!)
Well I think that's GREAT that you want to do this! But maybe your husband is'nt use to showing how he feel's about thing's like that or maybe he just expects you to know that he's proud of you? It's kinda hard to say since I personally don't know your husband, but yes, i think I would of been alittle hurt and upset as well. Is your husband over weight? Maybe he himself was jelous and maybe he wanted to join you? You just never know. I find that men have a difficult time showing how they feel (at time's-but not always, lol). I would definately brew up a cup of coffee and just sit down and talk to him about it and let him know that having him motivate you and "cheer" you on means alot to you. The most important thing in a relationship is communication and honesty. I am glad I read your post and you have honestly motivated me! We always have the Avon walk's and I have always wanted to join them but I guess I will be next month! I think what your doing is wonderful! Even if he doesnt motivate you just think about the other's watching and getting motivated to do the same! Good Luck and I wish you well!
I applaud you for getting out there and trying to do it! You will do it next time!!! I would take the time to calm down and when you are ready, then approach your husband and tell him that you needed his support today. If you tell him while you are upset, you are more apt to be hurt again b/c of his normal reactions--laughing etc. Wait til YOU can handle it. Don't bring it up in counseling, deal with it before hand. If its still unresolved by then--then of course bring it up in counseling. GL
M
First, I want to congratulate you on your hard work, effort and determination to get out there and participate in a triathlon. That would scare the bejeezus out of me! Your husband was obviously not supportive, but don't let that get you down - you've come too far! Maybe in a day or two, when you've had a chance to blow off some steam, have a discussion with him on how important it would be to you to have him support you through your next triathlon. Tell him his presence would give you the strength to persevere and finish - no matter if you're in the last bracket to cross the finish line. Tell him you'd like him there to celebrate your personal victory. Hopefully if you put it to him like that, he will soften a bit and welcome the chance to support you. Again, congrats on all of your hard work and training! You are an inspiration to so many! :)
My vote says to give it a try.
Brush yourself off and stand tall. Pick a quiet time and sit down with your husband. If he is in marriage counseling with you then he cares for you. So take a chance. Try not to point fingers or tell him what he did wrong. Tell him how you feel and what you want from him. He may not hear you, but if you don't tell him there is no chance he will know.
If it falls flat, don't get in a fight. Save it, and bring it up in marriage counseling.
Try bringing it up in counseling--if you are prepared for it not to go well. He sounds like he will not know what you need unless you spell it out for him. It's hard to tell from one post, but it sounds like lack of emotional support is one of the big problems you have in your relationship. But possibly bringing up the specific incident will help you work on it. Also, you may need another place to get support for racing/exercising. Maybe a friend/workout buddy from the gym or something like that?
Congrats you trained for it & that my Dear is a BIG accomplishment.
Now on to your husband; Since you already know how much he will *support* you when you tell him what happened, I say you video tape the whole conversation (without him knowing) so when you go to counseling you can show the counselor 1st hand what the problem is in your marriage. And maybe it will help your husband see how much of an @$$#0!# he is.
I normally would NEVER suggest secretly recording someone but since this has been an ongoing problem in your marriage it just may help both of you.
I haven't had a chance to read all of the other ladies' responses so I aplogize if this is redundant...
I would definitely say something to your husband.
Wait until you calm down so your discussion is factual and not emotional.
Also, I would probably seek counseling with and without your husband. I have a feeling if your husband behaves like this there are probably deeper issues than not caring about your big day.
I'm sorry you're going thru this.
I just want to take the time to congratulate you, though. Even though you were unable to complete the race because of technical difficulties you really confronted and broke through some fears. I don't know if I would have had the guts you did to get up and go to the race all by myself. As scared as you must have been you still did it! Wow, momma....hats off to you! :-)
Yes, absolutely talk to him about it, but be prepared for him to not be supportive. Wait till you have calmed down first. Just tell him how you feel and leave it at that. Don't listen to any of his negativity or reasons why just say it and walk away if you have to. You have to get it off of your chest and you will feel better once it is out in the open. I'm so glad you have the wonderful and supportive children you do!
You are not the 1st nor will you be the last to complain or feel hurt about something like this. Men so not realize that things like this hurt us. He should have asked you but if you think his response would not be one you'd want to hear then maybe it's best he keeps hius 2 cents to himself! (no offense) If you feel this needs to be brought up then don't wait until your next appointment and nip it in the bud now that the your feelings are vivid and then again at your appointment if you are not satisfied with the results so that he can see anothers point of view. I hope this helps
Well since you will be in marriage counseling I'd so go ahead and bring it up. Isn't that the point? If you were not though I was going to say that he would never understand anyway. I'm sorry. He sounds like a real creep. But that's not very nice of me to say since you've painted a not so nice picture of the man and I'm sure there are good qualities in him.
