Should I or Shouldn't I?

If I was scared of him... and thought retaliation from him against me or my child was possible... then I would not kick a lion.

Trying to think a little like Dear Abby.....even though you and the SIL are not close does not mean that you do not have an obligation to inform her of the facts as you know them so that she can do whatever it is that she needs to for the best interest of her family.

You owe the SIL an note, email or phone call to let her know what's going on.

Well, I hate to say that his sister needs to know what he is doing so she can try and control the situation (if possible). Just know that if he gets wind of it, you may have to deal with the backlash.

I can tell that you are done with him, but just be aware that unstable people are unpredictable.

Good luck and stay safe.

I wouldn't it isn't her business. The parents have been warned and they are adults. This is just inviting more unnecessary trouble into your own life and into your already troubled devorce.
The truth is that they know this about him, but are his parents and most likely won't change. They want to take care of him and probably feel responcible for the way he is, but no one- not you, not your SIL, not a theropist, not a judge, no one will change them until they want to.
Your best bet would be to express your concern for them and suggest that they seek counceling.

A.,

As a woman who went through something similar I say let it go. I tried to tell my ex's family about why he always needed money. I tried to talk to his second wife who had been a friend of mine. It just isn't worth the stress it will put you through. Trust me they won't listen. It has been 6 years since my divorce and I have started talking to my ex sister and brother in law again because they were such good friends of mine before the divorce. It is only now that they have asked me some questions and were open to hearing what was going on.

If you can walk away, then I say walk away. If you want to contact your ex-sister in law then do it for the baby, and not as a tattle on your ex. She may want to keep the connection with the little one.

Whatever you choose to do remember that you should take care of yourself and the baby first and that if he is that unstable, if you mention it to his folks it could come back to haunt you. Especially if they do stop giving him money. Think about who he will be mad at and who he will blame. Do you need that?

R.
www.roxannebruce.pureromance.com

I agree with Karen wholeheartedly...

wow you have gotten some great advise and it sounds like everyone is on the right track i agree that you should let them deal with there own situation and you deal with yours i also agree that you should document everything even your fears and let someone know about where your documentation is just in case he does something men can do crazy things when faced with losing a women or their family (not to scare you) just facts.also go the opposite direction from him and or his family until it's over then you should try to form some type of relationship with the sister or family for your babys sake. best of luck i am praying for you.

Yes, tell her. You may find an ally for emotional support. She deserves to know. If you were her, would you want to be told by you? Probably.

How much contact do you expect to have with him after the divorce? Either road is neither here nor there. If you choose to tell, you should do it and let it go. It is not your place to police him or keep that as a connection between you. If you choose not to tell, let it go. This is his relationship/dynamic with his biological family...not yours to work out, especially since you're not married. You cannot right all the wrongs of the world. People have to find their own way. Just don't let them trample over you in the process. It is perfectly appropriate for you to step aside and let them walk on by.

It is probably best to stay out of the family dynamic. What would be your reasons for telling her? To get them to stop? Most likely wouldn't work if they have been doing this all his life.

Take your baby and run! Enjoy him and if you want to make friends of the sister so he knows his family then fine, but don't bring up the money.

Best of Luck!

Shouldn't. Especially since your afraid of him. This is a family matter. If the sister has a problem with it, that is between the sister and parents. Truly the sister cannot tell the parents what to do with the money. It would only make the sister mad. Either way if you told or didnt tell the sister would be mad. I would stay out of it and not stir the pot! So sorry about your situation. God bless.

I'm going to ditto the 'stay out of it'.

If they contact you to ask you any questions -- don't lie. But that doesn't mean you have to volunteer information, or seek them out.

However, I would suggest that you personally journal and document any of his 'dangerous' behaviour. You may need to take legal action so that you have the right to keep him out of your child's life later -- and the more that you can build your case now, the better.

Bless your heart. Your husband sounds like one of my sons. Be very careful. He has a mental condition. You might want to move far away from him. There will be a better chance of him leaving you a lone if he can't afford to come see you. I'm sure your sister in law already knows. I would stay out of it, just to keep him from causing you any harm. You might want to tell him that unless he is under a doctors care that he cannot visit you because there may be a time that he wants to take his son and you want to be prepared. God Bless you!!!

Definitely let is sister know since the weight of the problems end up on her shoulders. You may want to consider disolving all rights to the baby with the assurance that he will never be asked to pay child support. He probably wont ever be able to pay support anyway and this assures him that you won't go after him and it assures you that you will be able to get him out of your life as well as your babie's life. Without this, you could have a lifetime of misery , fear, and anxiety.

Hi A.
I would say no- just get as far way from this guy as possible. She will find out in due time and you will not be in the middle of the conflict.
good luck and blessings

My gut reaction is to tell her. I would ask her not to tell anyone you were the source of information however. Good luck with your new baby. You can do it on your own.

Since you are going through the divorce, what he does and who he does it to is no longer your concern. STAY OUT OF IT. Let the sister deal with him. You just take care of that baby.

I don't know the whole situation, but I would take that baby and run. I wouldn't mess with that family business, I would try to stay as far away from that as possible. Good luck.

For the sake of the people he is hurting, talk to her.

If you feel any fear I would disassociate from him and his family at least for a while. My mom got a p.o. box that looked like a real address to give to my grandparents, so they could send cards etc. and they agreed to keep even that info hidden from my father. I spoke by phone my whole life to his side of the family but my dad never knew where we lived. My mom moved us 3 times my first grade year bc he kept finding us and that was not a good thing at that time. It is important to realize if there is any danger the police may not be able to do anything unless something actually happens, so just keep your wits about you and do whatever is best for you and your baby. Statistically it is said that about a year after a divorce an unstable/abusive spouse will usually relent from active aggression. But just go with you gut and do what is necessary and don't minimize your feelings. I am not at all trying to scare you, only encourage you that you can do whatever is needed to take control of you and your child's life and I would definitely leave any financial matters between his family members alone. I wish you all the best!! Hang in there:)

Sounds like you are codependent. If you are afraid of this guy then run in the other direction. Why are you still concerned with him dealings with his immediate family. I got a funny feeling you knew something was up with him before you married. We all know when something is not right with the man in our lives and many times chose to ignore it. I say MYOB (mind your own business)

Hello,

You may want to call her and have a conversation about I respect what you do for your family and I just thought you should know "x". I would not get too wrapped up in it beyond that. I have concern that you stated that you don't care if he helps out. You better care. This is the time to have the law work in your favor. Hire the best attorney you can afford, get a restraining order against your husband, and start proceedings for child support. I understand about being married to a sociopath. I was married to one for 15 years. The last 5 years were hell. I filed for divorce. He appears to be "normal" now. They go dormant with there craziness and can act perfectly normal. I don't trust him. My daughter has visitation with him and he pays child support.

I would say no. Just let their family handle it. You already said that ya'll aren't close and she has "disowned" her brother. I know that you are hurt and upset (rightfully so) but I don't think that will help you any. Good luck and hang in there. So many of us on here have been where you are now. I promise life will get better.

Although you're not close w/your sister-in-law, she should be informed quietly. If you can get a chance I'd either pay a visit in person or call on the phone, if you can, & just say something like "listen I know we're not especially close but I know you're concerned for your parents in helping (your husand) but he's again receiving help from your parents & I thought I'd just bring that to your attention since I too am concerned". Just place your concern w/hers & make sure she understands you do not, under any circumstances, want your husband to know you told her. If she asks, just be frank, you're afraid of him but you can't help but be more concerned for your in-laws & you should try & work together on this situation. Good luck!

I would say don't tell her, because she has lived long enough with her parents to know that they are catering to the freeloader...I mean user...I mean son. If you feel that your safety is at risk, I would keep as far away from him as possible until he cleans up his act.

I am speaking from experience. My child's father has been on/off from jobs, on/off from drugs, and has some serious issues that I am not able to help him with. He has to want to change.

So for the sake of you and your child, change what you can for the two of you and pray that he finds the will to do the same.

My prayers are with you.

You shouldn't! As you say you are afraid of him, stay out of it between him and his sister or other family members. His sister will find this info about him and their parents' money out on her own, and whatever relationship dynamic you think is going on between her and him, he is still her brother and they are their parents, so you stay out of it and set yourself up to be safe, supported, and free of any contact with him and them. Don't give him any ammunition he can use to justify bothering you, being a jerk with you or the baby, or worse.

No, you should not because no matter what in the end they will be family and you look like the bad guy for telling. So just concetrate on your life and believe you me it all will come to a head on its own without you! And you owe it to your little one to get child support, you need to worry about making the man pay what is due to your child,later down the road you wished you had. Put the money away if you don't need it for now. Let the law give the man the option and usually they pay instead of doing time.
Good luck ! If you really are afraid then get a restraining order to protect you...
Wishing you well!