Should I Keep My Mouth Shut, or Express My Anger?

I would soooooo be calling and saying something. But then, that's who I am and I have done this in the past with my inlaws.

Dear A., You sound like a very loving wife. It makes you angrier that your husband was hurt, than it would if it had been you! That's a wonderful trait. Tell your husband that he is a thoughtful son. His gift of the game tickets was generous too. For whatever motives your father-in-law had for changing his mind about attending the game with his sons, it's certain that he wasn't very gracious about the way he handled it. Now that it's done, encourage your husband and brother-in-law to attend the game with the stranger. Encourage him to be friendly and hospitality minded. Your husband will benefit in the long run. He'll be at peace with how he handled it, and who knows, maybe he'll make a new friend. Even though you want to lash-out at your father-in-law (which is natural), don't let yourself do it. I say this for your sake. Just lovingly, continue to encourage your husband for his thoughtfulness. God Bless You, A., I have been in your shoes. S. Teague

A.,
When anyone gives a gift, it is just that: a gift. If there are "strings attached",as in expectations of any kind, then it is not a true gift. Your father in law may have other issues going on that neither you or your husband are aware of. If the person who has been down and sad receives the ticket as a gift, he may have had a hard time accepting it without wanting to give something in return--like an oil change. I think the bottom line is to keep the spirit of giving separate from expecting anything for the gift. It can build resentment, anger and create a rift in an otherwise ok relationship. It's only a ticket.
Andrea & Garrick

Hi A.,

I have learned that expressing emotion is generally healthy to some degree. It is best to wait until after we are out of the emotional state though. Also, in the case of the In Laws, my advice is to let it go. That can be challenging, this I know. I have had to learn and am still learning how to do that myself.

Plus, anger is a beast that comes from fears. It is not something that does any good to act on. When you forgive him (your father in law)and are no longer angry, you could discuss it then. But, it is important that you respond in love and not anger. This is true in regards to your husband and his dad. You can use this as an opportunity to communicate with your husband in love and compassion. He will feel comforted to know that you love him and that it will be all right. I have had many times with my husband's family and my own that I went to God about the situation and God sent someone else to heal things. Eventhough, I thought I could have handled it. I have also had other situations where I tried to do handle it myself and that made things so much more complicated in the process.

Your heart is definitely in the right place. You are protective of your husband. I mean, who wouldn't be? That is understandable and human. I do have to say though, that this is his issue and you need to let him own it and be accountable for it. If you interfere by calling it will most likely make your husband feel disrepected or even controlled. Though he may act like he was glad. There is possibilty for anger and resentment to slowly develop. You are his wife and are protective of him. This I completely understand. However, Your husband is taking it personally, when it is most likely not intended that way at all. I have found a lot of men do this. They have to make a choice as do women not to do that. If it makes you feel any better, my husband is learning how not to do that as well. :)It takes time for change to happen. Our counselor says you must seperate the person from the action. That can be a major challenge.

Think about it this way, Would his father consciously do something to intentionally hurt his son? Well, of course not! If he wanted to hurt your husband, he would not have asked him if it was ok to give the tickets away. Your husband's dad gave the tickets to cheer someone up right? That is a wonderful gesture! If your husband did not want him to give away the tickets, he could have said no. It sounds like that is a bigger issue. It is a good learning experience for everyone involved.

For example, your Father In Law is giving up cussing for lent. I think that is great and a true challenge. To do so he must not encourage himself to cuss right? I have to agree that sports will do that. This is really true with men. Your husband should graciously admire and respect that faith as a quality in his dad. He is blessed to have that as an example. You all are. :) It is not about your husband or his gesture, it sounds like for your father in law, it is about God. As for the oil change, I think that is great! It is just another way God is working in your Father In Laws life. It seems because you are angry, you cannot see that. If your husband is a Christian, and you are as well my advice is go to God about the situation. You can actually do that together through prayer and it really strengthens a marriage as well as relationships with God. It also provides peace about any situation. Even if you are not spiritual you can pray. God hears all prayers. :)Blessings to you all....

K.S.

Hi A.,

I am not a young MOM, but my daughter-in-law signed me up to mamasource so I read the e-mails now and then. I have been in your shoes many times, about not knowing if I should interfere , inject my thoughts, or just let things "ride". One thing that i have found, you cannot MAKE someone want to be with you ot MAKE someone love you. This has to be a voluntary action on their part. You wouldn't want to have someone spend an alloted amount of time with you if they didn't want to. You want them to be there because THEY want to be there. It is a sad thig that your father-in-law has seen fit to substitute car repair for time with his sons, but now that he has made that decision, acceting it is what you, and your husband have to do in order to not keep a rift going in the family. Do you see what I mean? I guess what I am trying to say is that you and your husband have to be the BIGGER person. I will be praying for your husband, for I know that hurt feelings can go very deep. Aren't we glad that the decision to NOT let hurts grow into bittereness can be made by us?

Jeanie

As much as my mouth dropped when I saw why your father-in-law gave up the time to spend with his sons, I really think you should let him work it out. I know your feelings of anger and the pain you feel for your husband ( because we all know that men don't feel pain - right...) are great, BUT... if you call him, I think the matter will grow another branch from a bad tree. Sometimes, you have to let things go and let things be. I know you will be by your husband's side and I think that will be more helpful to him than anything else. He needs to know that you, the partner for life, is there when he needs you. Men sure are wired differently then we are. I hope that your father-in-law will see what he has done soon, before it's too late. ( The swearing part, he is a man, he can control his own mouth and that is just an excuse) Think positive and keep up the love and support you have for your husband.

Good luck.

I have a father in law that is kind of like that and if I had the balls I would tell him exactly what I think. Every time I go to his house he makes me cry, everytime! He is such a prick. I think that maybe he just needs someone to tell him how messed up that was and how it made your hubby feel. So at first try to be nice but if that doesn't work lay it on thick!

Just my opinion, based on the information you shared, I think I would try to tactfully, not angrily, tell the father in-law like it is. The truth, before it's too late. Let him know how his son feels about it. Or better yet, encourage the son (your husband) to express his feelings to his father himself. You're sensitive to your husbands feelings, but his father isn't for whatever reason. Sometimes people just don't think, and just don't realize or just don't get it, what you might think should be obvious. Maybe the father is in a bind regarding getting his car fixed and your son can help him with that in some other way. Maybe the father should be told, and he should in turn explain to the friend that he shouldn't have made that deal to barter a "gift" for a "family" outing from his son. It isn't over until it's over. There's still time if the game has not passed yet. Just my opinion. If this is not an option, then chalk it up to experience and a lesson learned.

I think you should let your husband decide what he wants to do.
If he wants to go to the game, go. If he's that hurt that Father doesn't go, then don't go. Maybe he can say, "I am hurt by the fact that you don't want to go with me. I was looking forward to spending time with you." Maybe your husband can just look at it as fun time with his brother.
I do think it's a bit rude of your father-in-law. It's like re-gifting only worse. If you are going to re-gift something you should do it in secret at least.
Let your husband talk to you Dad about it. I think if you do the talking it will put a rift between you and him.

Ok, for what it's worth I have a mother-in-law that is well...you can guess. anyway, If I were you I would ask my husband if he cared whether I said anything or not. Since it is his dad. Second, if it really bothers your husband he really needs to be the one to tell his dad that the reason he bought the tickets was so they could spend some quality time together and that it hurts his feelings that he just wants to give the ticked away. then he could suggest another way that his dad could make his friend happy...take him to lunch...but the point is, if it really bothers your husband he needs to say something otherwise let it go. I understand why it would upset you though.

I'm not sure you should talk to your father in law but your husband definitly should. Try to encourage him to tell his father it is important to him that the three of them go to the game together. If your husband expresses the way he feels personally and his father still does not go than that is very sad.

Sounds really annoying, but you have nothing to gain by getting involved. Your husband knows that you support his position, your in-laws are going to do what they do, the last thing you want to be is the overbearing wife. Let your husband and his brother deal with it. Good luck!

For a gift to truly be a gift, it is surrendered not only physically but emotionally when it is given. It is no longer the giver's property, and any attempt to manipulate how it is used means that it wasn't actually a gift. I have been struggling with this challenging truth for my whole life, but I see the wisdom in it. My wish to maintain control over gifts I have supposedly "given" has caused much unnecessary grief to my recipients and myself, and I'm sure I still have some apologies to make.

If your husband hoped for his generous gift to be used as he envisioned, he probably would have been happier if he had bought the tickets, kept them in his possession, and invited his father to come along to the game.

You can certainly choose whether or not to express your feelings. First, I hope you'll pay attention to the wisdom K S has shared below about how our point of view affects our happiness. If you try standing in your father-in-law's shoes, you might be able to defuse your anger without feeling such a strong need to act on it. This could be much healthier to you and your family life.

If it was your father I might say go ahead and talk to him, but since it's your father-in-law I have to recommend that you leave it to your husband to handle it; even if you don't agree with his choice (should he choose to say nothing).

ahhh! I would be mad too! I really think that it's your husbands place to say something to his dad. I know men are pretty bad at that kind of stuff and would rather blow it off. So if he won't and you want to say something, go for it.

First, what does your husband say about it? If he is very hurt than I think he should confront his father. If you do it it will just cause bad vibes between you two (father-in-law). I know it hurts you as well, but it is actually between your husband and his father.

Hmmm...I feel your pain, A., but if there's one bit of advice I can give you, it's shut your mouth and let your husband figure it out. You can't fix his relationships, but you can love him. Allow him to talk about it when (and if) he wants to. Don't do the "wife" thing we all do, pestering and asking if he's ok, etc... Your relationship with your in-laws is definitely tied to your husbands', but this is his father and you definitely shouldn't intrude on that. Be a support to your man, love him, and sit silently until he's ready. Encourage him whether he chooses to confront his dad, or not. That's my big advice...now if I could just follow it! Good luck.

Your husband can tell his dad that he's disappointed, however, I wouldn't rant and rave. I WOULD however in a nice way say how you feel about this.

Hi A., just read your note and felt maybe I could help. If you decide to talk with your father-in-law you will have much better results if you approach it without anger. How about nicely talking to him about how much this really means to your husband. That he really wanted a night out with his dad as a chance to be together. If your father-in-law still doesn't want to go, that's his decision and you should not get angry about it. Once a gift is given to someone it is theirs to do with what they want. Another positive way to approach this with your husband is that maybe the person your father-in-law wants to give this to really does need something to make him feel better. The exchange for mechanical work for the ticket could be the way the reciever wanted to express thanks for the ticket, many men, especially older men have a difficult time accepting a gift and may feel embarrased to accept it without offering something in return. This could be an opportunity for you husband to help someone he doesn't know by including him in something that would normally be shared with a family. I think he should go to the game and act as though the man is his father. At least, the man will have a wonderful time and express that to your father-in-law who will be very proud of his son for his kindness. He may even get a feeling that he (your father-in-law) missed out by not being with your husband and next time he has an opportunity to go with your husband, he wouldn't miss it for the world. Good Luck. J.

As difficult as it is to not say anything, that is what I think you should do. This is between your father-in-law and your husband. You might suggest (calmly) to your husband to say something to his father if the situation hurts him, but then leave it to him to make that choice. It's his decision to make, even if he chooses to respond differently than you would. It's one of the hardest things to do, but it is respectful of you husband. We all deal with our families differently. If you express your anger to your FIL, chances are it can or will backfire on you, by being accused of butting in. You can't win. If it helps, I agree your FIL is being a stinker about this, but it really has to be resolved between your husband and him. Good luck.

I think you should tell your father-in-law in a kind way what he has done to hurt his son. He sounds like he can't afford to fix the car, or maybe the trip to the game with all the walking and everything, may be a health issue for him, but you should tell him how you feel.
L., a mother-in-law

What a frustrating situation. I can certainly understand your anger, and feeling like you need to communicate to your father-in-law how hurtful his actions have been. As hard as it is, I'd keep quiet, though. The tickets are from your husband, and it's really his responsibility to manage his relationship with his Dad. Instead, I'd try to talk to your husband about it and support him in either talking directly to his Dad, or in having fun at the game with his brother, even if it's not the family event that he'd hoped it would be.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I think you & your husband should talk to your father-in-law.

Hope everything works out.

Hello A.,
I have a father-in-law and step-mother-in-law who I don't get along with AT ALL! Although I love my dear, sweet husband, I can't stand his dad and the wife! Anyway, I've had many "issues" with the two of them and as much as I just wanted to tell both of them EXACTLY what I was thinking/feeling and everything else, I forced myself to keep my thoughts between me and myself. (With a lot of venting to my mom and, suprise, my mother-in-law, who can't stand those two either). In fact, my mother-in-law has been quite the source for info on the dreaded man, since she was married to him for 17 years. Anyway, it's up to you what you do, but I would just keep your feelings to yourself and let your hubby deal with it his way. If he's anything like my hubby, when it bothers him enough he'll finally say something to his dad and they'll work it out in time. Good luck and I hope I've helped and not hindered your decision!

D.

Probably too late - but I would have suggested that your husband give his own ticket to his Dad and say something along the lines of being that the point of the gift was to hang out together and if he's not going to be there than he won't go either. That should get the point across.

Hope it worked out!

A.,
I can understand how frustrated you must feel & and also must feel hurt for your husband. This really is something that your husband needs to work out with his father. He needs to be honest with his Dad and tell him how it hurts him and makes him feel. Afterall the invitaion was intended for a special Father & son bonding time. Try not to get in the middle of it but let your husband resolve it. I do believe in prayer and that God wants to be a part of our everyday lives if we allow Him to be. I would pray that your father-in-law would see how hurtful this is for his son and that they would make attempts to quickly resolve it and that this situation would not make you bitter towards your Father-in-law. Certainly you can speak with your husband and express to him how it makes you feel and that you feel he should confront his father but then you should leave it up to him to him to handle it. God Bless, O. O.

A., it would probably be a good idea for your husband to work this situation out with his father. Although some men do not express their feelings very well, your husband should talk to his dad about it and let him know how much he was looking forward to a day with him and his brother. Life is too short to stay upset about things but also too short to miss those special times shared with family and friends.
I know as my dad gets older, he is getting serious "tunnel vision" and just doesn't think about things the same as he use to. It's sad to see him getting old but it really is getting worse as time goes by. All I can do is take things with a grain of salt and enjoy the time we still have together.

A.,
I would let it ride. It is your husbands father who is hurting him and although it is difficult for you to watch, they will both resent you getting in the middle of it. Your husband is a big boy, and can defend himself. Especially to his father.
H.

I can see why you would be angry with your father-in-law. I think there are two ways to go about this. 1- Is it going to make things better if you confront him with your feelings? How will affect your future relationship with him? If you think it won't damage it, then go ahead and let him know how you feel. But remember, it may not change the outcome. It does sound like he wouldn't enjoy himself and he may ruin your husband's and bother-in-law's evening as well.
2- Let it go and chalk it up to a lesson learned... "NEVER BUY DAD BASKETBALL TICKETS". Next time buy him an "oil change from Oil Can Henrys"!

:)

I'll be blunt. It seems to me that the real problem is that your husband gave a Christmas "gift" with strings. A true gift totally belongs to the recipient and is theirs to do with after they get it. Maybe your father-in-law is a little cheap or short of cash and using the ticket for the auto work to maintain the illusion of paying his own way for things.

I know you and your husband hurt because it wasn't the expeience you expected. Do something that isn't a "gift" as the bonding experience. "twofers" -gifts with double duties, a gift for him and me- rarely work as intended and lead to heartbreak.

Hi A.- that is a tough situation indeed. In the interest of long term family relations, I would not get involved. It really is your husband who needs to talk with his father (but like most guys he probably won't). Just keep this experience in mind for next year and get him some boxer shorts instead ;)

It's probably too late for the game... but in my personal experience, it works best to stay out of the relationship between my husband and his parents. He should work it out on his own, but that doesn't stop you from talking to him about his dad and encouraging him to tell his dad how he really feels about the situation.

Sounds to me like it's your husband's issue. I can see you trying to "fix" the situation for him, but what will that do for the relationship? If you have a good enough relationship to just tell him how your husband is disappointed and leave it at that. Let him make his choices, without judging. Just letting him know how his choices are impacting others,without blaming is a challenge, but it sounds like brother has already tried that and he is making a choice. Have you asked your husband if he would be ok with you talking to him? Probably best to let him handle it his way.

WOW!!!! I was reading what you had wrote and thought I just have to say something. I know me and I would say something because of the fact you know how important this was to your husband. Hopefully your saying something doesn't cause friction between you and hubby, but seriously if I was to buy a gift like that for someone and found out that they were trading it for work on their car you can take it to the bank that I am speaking up. One how dare he disrepect his son in that manner and not even seem to be bothered by what he has done. I hope this doesn't get to you to late. By all means speak out, your husband doesn't appear to be doing anything.

I had a simular problem with the lent thing, i would just come out and be very honest and have your husband let his dad know that he would want him to go and have a father night thing going on and you as well should talk to him as well let him know how you feel, honesty is the best policy, and if he doesn't get it then don't get yourselfs in that situation again. But probably already late for my opinion, cause i just found you e-mail. lori

WOW!!! what is this man thinking, I think you should call him and tell him in a nice calm way that he is wrong and this situation that he has developed has hurt your husband and that this is suppose to be a family thing and that he can miss one night of church for his son's that is not right and you need to tell him. tell him to take the guy to lunch for the oil change I am sure the ticket was not cheep.Your husband needs to call him and let him know how he feels, that is the most important thing to do, maybe the Dad wants to hear it from his son, and if he still does not go then that would be the last ticket that he would get for a while. your hubby needs to make the call also.
L.

I know that this makes you angry, but it sounds to me that if the game is going to make him swear and he gave that up for lent then you should try and support that. I don't know what lent is but in know that it has to do with religion and to me that is something you don't mess with. Plus i don't htink he bartered the ticket, I bet he wanted to cheer up his friend like you said but his friend IS A MAN and can't take charrity so he said i will do something for you and it will make me feel better about taking it. Now not sure about the bonding thing, casue i do agree that part of it would infuriate me. But I think that if it is truely that he doesn't wantto get so angry he is doing right by his "higher power" and making a good choice. Faith is not something to mess with. But i aslo don't knowhim and if that is just an excuse. just something to think about.

Hi A....Ash Wednesday was yesterday..so I hope you didn't call your Father in law. I know you are hurt and angry for your husband...but I believe it is best if you don't speak to your FILaw about it, at least not now, maybe at a later date when you can voice your opinion calmly. I'm afraid your husband might be angry at you for handling something that he should take care of. Men are funny about that stuff. Perhaps it would be better to let your husband know how you feel...that you would like to talk to your FILaw to tell him how crappy you think this was. Then maybe your husband will open up to you and can eventually talk to his father himself. B..

I would stay out of it, express your sadness to your husband, that his father is such a dolt. The father-in-law won't get it anyway, if he is so stupid as to not realize the night is about togetherness. Create the kind of home that will produce kids who will value each other....Too bad for your husband though....

Hi,
I encountered something similar in the past and I wish I would have stayed quiet. This is a matter between your husband and his father. It is about their relationship and it should be up to your husband to discuss his feelings of hurt and disappointment with his father...not yours. It is not your job to "fix" things, but to be supportive of your husband's feelings. Express how you feel to your husband, not your father-in-law.
Also, remember that when a gift is given to someone we don't have the right to tell them how to use that gift. It should be given with no strings attached. I understand that you're husband is hurt and disappointed because he wants to spend time with his brother and father and this is a great guy activity. It's too bad that his father is being insensitive to your husband's kind gesture. I would encourage him to go and try to enjoy the time with his brother and his father's friend. You never know how much your father-in law's friend may benefit from this evening, and maybe your father-in-law had good intentions also, of trying to cheer up his friend. Good luck! D.

Well, you might want to wait to talk to him until the emotion wears off a bit. This is the type of thing that can cause a family to split for good. I understand your love and concern for your husband, but it sounds like he must really love his dad or he would not have done such a sweet thing for him. I think the greater pain would be felt by your husband if you lash out at his dad, and things in the family get uncomfortable, when you are together with his loved ones. Besides, what would it really accomplish other than YOU feeling better. I do not think that is what you are trying to do. You absolutely should talk to him, but wait a month, then if it is still something that is bothering you, wait for the right time to present itself. It always does, and it will end with a stronger bond between you and your father-in-law.

Frankly A., it is not your place to say anything, it is your husband's. It is his family and so he should be the one to say something if he is bothered by them, and vice versa, you should be the one to talk to your family.

The situation may bother you but not your husband and that is something that you will have to settle with. Believe me, I know how you are feeling - I'll spare you the details.

However, I would suggest that you not use "guilt" as a tactic. My family does that and it just makes everyone mad because they think it will work and when the person they are trying to guilt still doesn't change their mind then the person doing the guilting just gets offended.

I do believe in expressing yourself, if it is appropriate, as in your husband doesn't mind, but you can't speak for your husband. And the bottom line is that your f-i-l has the agency to make his own decisions and has to live with the effects of his decisions.

Just let it lie. You f-i-l is missing the point of the ticket, that is true. But in the scope of things, it's just not worth it. It's only a ticket. It's only a game - and someone said 'the game we're playing is not the game being played' -- something to think about during Lent, don't you think?

Well you should tell him it hurt your hubbys feelings pretty bad..Maybe he isnt thinking about his son too.
But it really isnt your business what he does..Just as it isnt the fathers business what you guys do.

Have a great day

Hi A., In my opinion it is not your place to say anything to the in-laws. That is the job of your husband. If he chooses not to say anything that is his right. You and your husband can look at the situation differently and change your attitude so it doesn't have to ruin the experience for your husband and his brother. Life can be a better place when we make choices to look at disappointing situations in a different and positive light. The father is choosing to stick to his faith and keep his promise to God. Im sure that was a difficult decision for him and would of rather just gone to the game with his sons. His decision is noble and loyal. Maybe, your husband can express his disappointment to his father, but also express his understanding and make another date for the three of them maybe on fathers day or some other day. Helping to cheer up the father's friend is a good thing to do for another person whether they know him or not. This could make a change in this person for the better. I wish you and your family luck with this situation.

I know it's hard, but I think this is something your husband will need to address. It will only make your relationship with your father-in-law strained. A friend of mine had Christmas at her house this past year and her family did some pretty inconsiderate things. The husband of said friend was really really mad at his wife's family and couldn't resist telling them what jerks they were! Now the whole family is in the middle of a feud and bad words have been exchanged both ways. Was he wrong to tell them off? No. But did it help? No, just made it worse.

WOW, that's a hard one! I do not think you should call your father-in-law if you are so angry that you can't be civil and mature. But, if you can control yourself, then I think you should call him and tell him how hurt your husband is. I think your father-in-law probably just viewed the tickets as a gift, and not a bonding experience. That is why it would have to come from you... what man is going to tell his Dad he wants to bond with him. He may reconsider when he finds out how much he hurt his son, or it may be too late, but he at least deserves to know what he did.