Thought I'd never be here asking strangers for advise (not because of pride), but I simply need some honest objective advise to save my marriage. Ever since my husband and I have been married his father has lived with us. Here are some background notes to better help you understand the overall picture. When my husband moved to Houston about five years ago, he asked his father to help out on some business transactions and his father never left back home. Fast forward five years later and he is living with us. He has a wonderful wife back in TN (which I absolutely love) and we have a second house.
Ever since my husband and I met, his father has always been there every step, which I didn’t mind. I thought he was a really nice person and got along great. It was not till my husband and I got married that for business purposes and practicality we decided to have him live with us. I’m a pretty easy going person and grew up in a very large family house hold, so I was used to dealing with different types of personality and it never bothered me.
But little did I realize what a challenge it would be with his dad. Now that I have three kids it’s a different story and little things which didn’t bother me before is just getting on my last nerves and driving me to drink. For example: 1) he continues to give my kids junk food right before dinner 2) He always uses plastic forks and plates, which is fine with me and his reasoning is that he doesn’t want me to have to wash the plates all the time… but here’s the catch he puts the darn plastic plates and fork in the sink. I constantly have to fish it out of the sink and through it away. He even puts them in the dish washer!! This is really bothersome when I make a nice meal and set a nice table with real plates 3) He can’t aim in the toilet and I have to constantly clean the guest bath everyday. Mopping it 5 times a day and he wont mop it himself. Those are some of the less painful stories I am able to share. Believe me there are plenty more unbelievable stories!!!
Your probably wondering what my husband have to say to all this… well first off I love my husband and realize he is in a tight situation but we constantly fight about this. It’s hard for him to ask his dad to move out and be completely on his own or move back home to his wife. He did some what ask him to stay at the other house but that only lasted three weeks. Till this day I really don’t know why he simply won’t say “dad you have to live on your own” because his father is not ill, he has a loving wife and we have a second house which is only 10 minutes away. The only reason he likes living with us because he can be a kid. Eats what ever he wants, drinks what ever he wants and gets to avoid family functions. I’ve spoken with both my mother in law and sister in law. They’ve given some advice but nothing really good to get him to move out on his own. Over the past we've tried scheduled chores, which he doesn't follow, I've stopped buying junk but he hides them in differnt spots, I've spoken to his wife to come and get him, he simply refusses to go, I've bought all types of gagets to help him clean up his toilet problem but he doesn't use them and I've stayed at a hotel only to come back to empty promisses by my husband. Short of just leaving all together, I've ran out of ideas.
To make things even harder on me, for the last year and a half my niece has been living with us as well because my sister’s husband got transferred to Brazil for work (oil). To recap, I have three kids, father in law, husband, niece and our own business to be responsible for. So now I feel really over whelmed and think I’m going through a melt down because I’m finding myself to be this other person I never thought I’d become.. Sad and stressed out.
This over all situations with my husband and I fighting about his dad among other things has been taking a physical toll on me as well. I find myself with constant nose bleeds everyday due to stress. Would I be wrong if I ask my husband to choose me or his dad to live with him? If only his dad was just normal I would be okay with him living with us.
I would talk to your husband and father-in-law and tell them everything. If your father-in-law refuses to move out then I would take the kids and move into the other house until your husband insists that he moves out. He should not be putting you through all of this especially since his father is healthy and has a wife at another home and also has another house that he could live at. Good Luck!!
Girl, bless your heart. Thank God there is an extra house. You've been told everything I've would have told you except that your so overwhelmed already what Carol said is just more exhausting. Your mom, and you need strength, the other two are grown men. So if you have to take the kids to the extra house so be it. I really don't think its your husband that makes living there so comfortable to stay there for. He'd go home in a heartbeat or chase your cooking and washing to the 2nd house!!!!!!!!!!!!! hey write us back what you decide to do okay!
Are you married to your father-in-law, or your husband? ;-)
I think you and your husband (together) need to tell Dad you appreciate all he's done, but it is time to go home. Your mother-in-law should be there as well, but it sounds like she's not exactly running there anytime soon. Perhaps she is enjoying her vacation a little too much.
You say you wouldn't mind him staying if he would change, yet, you've already asked him to do so, and he has not respected that request.
There's no reason not to do this with sensitivity and love, but it is time for Grandpa to head back to his own wife and home. You and your husband have taken care of him long enough!
Good luck.
One thing I have learned over several years is that I can't change other people, I can only change how I resond to them. So work on yourself and wait for dad and hubby to change.
Have you tried posting "rules" about behavior? You can tell them it's for the kids but that the adults have to be the example.
If the junk food thing continues, don't buy the junk food. He can't give them what is not there. If that doesn't work, then search the web for magnetic locks for the cabinets. Keep the key in your pocket and if he can't get to it then he can't dish it out.
Make a chart of who is responsible for cleaning the bathroom and other chores on a rotating basis. If hubby is home, include him on the schedule as well.
If you are not happy with the results then take your kids and move to the extra house and invite your husband to join you. However, you have to be willing to accept it is he decides not to join you.
In order for this to work you have to stand strong and not go home until dad moves out. The day he moves out, that room is turned into a room for one of the kids or a home office or a play room.
You can also ask his wife to intervene if you are on good terms with her. Explain how he is driving you crazy and see what she suggests. She probably knows him better than anyone.
Hope some of this helps.
C.
If your marriage (and your sanity) is truly in jepordy, then you have to do whatever it takes to fix this situation.
I would suggest first discussing all of this with your husband. Let him know exactly how exasperated you are with situation, and that you cannot continue with things the way they are, and stil remain metally and physically healthy. He cannot expect you to put up with this type of behavior from his dad. If you can get him on your side, and agree that things should change, then have a "family meeting" with your father-in-law, and get everything out in the open. You sound intelligent and well put together, and I am sure you can figure out the best way to divulge your feelings without being disrespectful. Let him know that you don't mind having him in the house because it's wonderful he gets to spend so much time with the grandchildren, but there are some things that he could do to help ease the stress you are feeling. Even if he doesn't like what you have to say, it's better to get everything out in the open.
Worst case scenario, if he still refuses to comprimise and follow the rules, you take the children and move to the extra house until your husband steps up and deals with the situation.
When it comes down to it, your family, your health and your marriage should be the most important thing to you and your husband, no matter who else gets their feelings hurt.
Good Luck with this!
What a difficult situation. I would be crazy by now if I were you. Since you have tried to get help from your family and nothing has come from it, it may be time to go to someone outside your family. Find a counselor. You and your husband need to go to one to help resolve this. Maybe your father-in-law would listen to someone outside the family.
WOW! I feel for you. Atleast it's your father-in-law and he lives with you. Mine is my mother, and she lives about 7 minutes away. She purposely found us this house under the guise that it's a better neighborhood so we would move closer to her. She constantly calls me and asks me to go to the store and get her food, lotto numbers, ice, cokes from Sonic, newspapers. It has driven my husband crazy, but she feels that she has done 'so much' for us, so she doesn't understand why we don't do what seems like everything for her. I have finally had to put a end to the constant 'gofering' for lack of a better word...I was exhausted and irritable pregnant or with a newborn and 5 yr old lugging them around from place to place doing her errands, and that was putting a strain on me and my husbands relationship. I don't know how religious you are, but there's a part of the bible that basically says a man is supposed to leave his parents and become one with his wife, that means putting his wife and THEIR family first. Unfortunately in my situation it was me who had to make a change, but you have to put your foot down and tell him it's you and the kids, or daddy. I hope it doesn't come to you separating or divorcing (God forbid either), but it seems he doesnt do anything for lack of wanting to offend his dad and because you constantly tell him to do something about it, but he doesnt have consequences when he doesnt talk to his dad about making a change. Enforce some consequesnce and STICK with them, and maybe he'll see the light. My husband has been the only one working since about 1 1/2 month before I had my youngest child, and he threatend to not pay the phone bills and take the car keys to both cars if I didn't stop running around for mom all the time. Needless to say, my cell phone was disconnected before I made a change. Good luck!
K.,
No, u are not wrong! If your husband really loves you, he wouldn't be able to sit back and watch you stress out like this! U need to do what's best for you and your children. The best gift u can give your kids is to take care of their Mom. If u don't have anything to give of yourself, they r losing out! Good luck.
