Need Advice on Dealing with Pushy/Judgemental Religous Father-in-Law

I have been through this very thing! My situation ended when my husband's dad "withdrew" from us because we wouldn't attend "church" at his house (of course, HE was the one preaching to a congregation of one, his wife!) My husband, being disowned, became very depressed and left me and our 18 month old daughter. I waited two years for him to come back home. We were finally divorced but not before he realized he had tried for years to please his dad instead of "cleaving" to his wife and new family. After going through all that, my advice is to be supportive of your husband, tell him he's a wonderful husband and father and you're thankful that he won't ever do this to your kids. (You can always find a positive in all situations! Romans 8:28) And then, be forgiving and tolerant of your father-in-law, whether you feel he deserves it or not. It's a matter of showing respect for his beliefs even if he doesn't show you that same respect. Simply don't engage in those conversations. Just say, "We aren't going to discuss this or any other subject that we have such different views on, our time is better spent having pleasant conversations and I don't want our time together to be wasted on things that put us at odds with each other." You or your husband won't change his mind about his beliefs...God himself will do that someday!

I am a grab the bull by the horn kinda gal, so if I was in the situation, I would handle this way. When FIL starts in, look directly at his eyes give him your full attention and when he is done saying whatever, Just be honest and open and don't be angry, or sarcastic, but just say, "You really make it difficult for me to enjoy spending time with you when you say things like that. Do you mean to come across judgemental and pushy?" Then, listen to his answer. He might just need a wake up call. Sometimes, especially when a person has some type of disability or sickness, people tend to forgive them for things they normally wouldn't. So, perhaps he doesn't realize how hurtful or hateful he is being. I have found when you just ask them straight up why are you doing this or being this way, then they usually stop because nobody likes to be called out on bad behavior. If he just continues, then I would resort to the old do bad get bad do good get good solution. Meaning he treats you bad then you give him bad by staying away or leaving immediately when he starts in. That way he will learn that if he wants your company, then he has to play nice and that his behavior thus far is unacceptable. Hope this helps.

Pray for him. Pray that you can show him love, the way that God loves him. Usually when people are misbehaving it has nothing to do with you and they are meeting some other need that they may not even know the root. When we pray for those that really irritate us, pray that we can love them, admit that we cannot love them in our own will and that we need God to make the change in us, ask God to reveal to you how to love this man best, ask God to make a change in you. You will be amazed at the work He can do. I one time had a situation where I could just NOT bend my own feelings on a matter; it did this, just told God that He would have to change my heart if He truly wanted this for me - the next morning my will was gone and I have never looked back and have been greatly blessed in this area of my life. Maybe agreeing to disagree is the best, don't argue, we have a saying around our house "whoever is mad is usually the one that is wrong".

Being an evangelical Christian myself, I completely agree with you that his behavior is not very Christ-like! My guess is, that since his behavior problems seem to be linked to the appearance of cancer, that he is counting the days he has left to win you over to his way of thinking. Since he has used the "Let's agree to disagree" on you before, maybe you could pull that one out whenever you see him heading in an argumentative direction. "I think that's something we already agreed to disagree about." Another thing you could say is "I'll think about that," if it really is something that sounds interesting to think about, but not under the pressure of his scrutiny. Or you could direct the conversation so much in his way by asking questions about his interests and hobbies that he gets busy talking about himself and feeling important that he forgets to be judgmental. Or you could ask him questions about his church's activities such as helping the poor or social stuff that's going on, that will help him feel that you value and respect what he does while preserving the integrity of owning your own beliefs. That's all that comes to mind, but please allow me, as a Christian, to apologize for our arrogance and disrespect in general. It actually brings tears to my eyes to hear of someone representing my Savior in this way.

Well this is a toughie. What I would do in this situation is contact the church where he goes. Go talk to the preacher or whatever and ask them to speak with your FIL. You and dh will not get thru to him b/c you'll have different opinion- which is fine. You'll should find someone neutral to the situation.
Also I would ask your dh to write a letter to his father. Explaining how much he loves him and want to be in his live NOW. Without the pressures of religion or polictics.
You should also write a letter.
I think writing something out is very powerful b/c you can't be interputed and all your feelings and thoughts are written out.
GL I know this must be really hard for you and your family.

Hello H.,

No, it is not very Christian of your father-in-law to threaten you. It is his Christian duty to explain to you about Jesus, but not to beat you over the head with it. Since he has cancer, he may be afraid he will "run out of time" before he gets a chance to ensure that his son and family have been saved. He probably doesn't realize that he isn't doing it nicely and that he is hurting you. I think that you should tell him that he is hurting your feelings and that you and your husband love him very much. Let him know that it is important to you to spend time with him but that you would appreciate that he try not be so hard on you. It sounds like he really has good intentions but is going about things wrong. Before I became a Christian, I had people try to push me into going to church. That is the worst thing someone can do. Try to be as understanding as possible. My mom-in-law has cancer right now too. They are really going through alot. They are scared and probably in pain. Sometimes you might just have to overlook and forgive him even though it will be hard. Good luck.

It is super tough when you have a relative with different beliefs and a pushy attitude. I have been through some situations where I did everything I could think of and still the meetings dissolved into back and forth brawls. So my new approach is simply to forgive and just let them be right. I think forgiving your father-in-law for his pushy ways is probably step one. I did this with a relative of mine who has since passed away and it did wonders. I also began to shower her with kindness. I would bring her roses when I came to see her, tell her I loved her, hug her etc. It was a little hard at first, but you know it worked and changed my feelings toward her and she actually opened up and started loving on me. It is hard to feel like it is all up to you to make the relationship work, but after you forgive a person, it is amazing to what lengths you will go to have a relationship with them. I know your husband is hurt and needs to heal but holding onto anger and bitterness never helped anybody heal anyway. You probably won't change your father-in-law, but you can make whatever time you guys have left together better by changing your attitudes and giving all that hurt and anger to God. When it seems like someone is constantly critical it is not very fun I know, but what if the next time you go see him you take him something he really likes or walk in hug him and say how good it is to see him. You know you will have to see what works for you, but whatever it is probably won't be comfortable at first but in the end it may just do the trick. Hope this helps!! Have a great day :)

I am not sure if I have the right answers. I hope you do not take this the wrong way.Have you tried praying about what is going on and seeing where he leads you with this problem. I don't know if you have are not. I am a very Christian person myself but do not have a problem with how other people believe that is there lives. I do not understand people like your father -in-law.It sounds like he likes to fight and that is the only way he can talk to anyone.I would try to not to discuss these things with him and I would tell him if we can not talk about other things then we have nothing to talk about and maybe we need to leave. I know this is hard with him going though cancer but sometimes you have to do the hard things and stand your ground. I know this is really hard but you can not keep being uncomfortable with these subjects these are very personal.I hope this helps.. N.

Maybe he's just scared that if he dies, this time, from the cancer, there will be no one left to help assure that his family believes in Jesus. I can imagine that causes him to fear not only lossing you all now, but also in the future.

The only 3 things I could think of are 1. ignore him, literally, when he starts to rant act like you don't hear or 2. Quote him direct quotes from Jesus who admonished his disiples for bad behavior like that of your F in L's. 3. Ask him to pray for you instead of ranting at you.

Good luck and best wishes!

I have been a born again christian for 35 years, and I never push it on anyone, I think that's the easiest way to head them in the wrong direction. That said, there have been a few times in my life when I strayed from my relationship to Christ, and when some well meaning christian came pushing it on me, telling of my ill ways my response was "so then pray for me"! "You believe so strongly, pray for me and let God do the miracle!"
That usually shuts them up!
Something you should know though, When they do pray, God most likely will perform that miracle. So be prepared to turn around and find yourself seeking God! HMM, "He does work in mysterious ways!" God bless you and I hope that you will work this out before the dad is gone.

You're absolutely right - that's not very Christian behavior. But it sounds to me like this has absolutely nothing to do with religion or politics whatsoever. It sounds to me like your father-in-law is upset about his cancer and instead of letting himself grieve about it, is turning the focus to your disagreement with him on certain other hot button topics. He may even be purposefully trying to push you two away from him so if the worst happens, you're all "the better for not being hurt so much by it." I think your husband needs to have a sit down with his dad and tell him how much he loves him no matter what and that he's not going anywhere. I think Dad is scared and needs a little help.

I've been through this before. I told the person just what you've thought of. "My experience with being Christian didn't consist of pushing people out of your life because they are not the same." Although I think it may be better for your husband stand up to him. There's no reason why you should. Have your husband tell him what he wants from him and if your father-in-law can reciprocate then great. If not, that's his choice. Good luck.

H., it sounds like you have a lot on your plate even without the father-in-law factor! First, I can understand your FIL not liking the fact that your son doesn't agree with his Christian beliefs. I am a "born-again" Christian too and would be upset if my children departed from the faith. Probably beneath it all is concern that you all are choosing the wrong path and will go to hell, taking the grandchildren with you. Please bear that in mind. Perhaps Levi can talk rationally with his dad and express how much of a turnoff all this negativism is for you and him. He can focus on Bible verses such as the one in Colossians about how our words should be full of grace and "seasoned with salt." (Not sure exactly where that is - you can look it up on crosswalk.com.) It doesn't have to be a taboo topic, esp. since your FIL has cancer and needs to talk and be heard, but Levi should set guidelines/boundaries for the discussions - no disrespect allowed, no hate speech, whatever you think is appropriate and can Levi can get your FIL to agree to. If he doesn't agree to any boundaries, you can impose whatever consequences you think are called for. If it's very extreme, that may include limiting or cutting off contact. That would be a shame, but may be enough to get him to agree to the guidelines. Also, try to get him interested in other projects he can devote his time to. God bless you!

H., you sound alot like me in some ways. i like to remodel and work a garden and such. anyways, on your problem. my dad is sort of the same way. he thinks he is always right and recently has had alot of medical issues so we tend to over look his "opinions" but just listen and care. sounds like your father in law needs a vacation but is probably only concerned with your souls. are you both christians? maybe you should tell him that you are and assure him that you and your hubby are both saved and maybe he will back off. i dont think he is right by pushing his ways on you. as long as you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior then you have to worship the way you two feel you should. you have to answer to God for your own self and not your father in law. i would try and be a little more understanding of why he may be doing this and just be there to help in this difficult time. hope things work out for you. K..

Reading your request really made my blood pressure rise!!! I'm a strong Christian but not evangelical and I know how frustrating this situation can be. Someone once told my husband that if he wasn't evangelical, he was going to hell. Well, just be glad I wasn't there because I would have hit a big fit.
I don't have much advice to offer you because people like this are ignorant and possess qualities truly opposite of what Christ preached. All I can suggest is that your husband tells your dad that he really wants to spend time with him but is going to have to stop if he tries to force his beliefs on him. Jesus taught patience, acceptance, and understanding. At no time was he tyrannical or judgemental.
Good luck - you need lots of it!

Dear H., it sounds like your hubby has already lost his dad. I suspect that your father-n-law's dying wish is to see his son saved and living like a christan before he leaves this earth. I admit your father-n-law is going about it the wrong way. You can not shove Jesus down anyone's throat. I am a christan,too, but that is not the way to approach people or love ones. Please continue to be patient with your father-n-law even when is being very judgmental. Also, tell your father-n-law that unforgiveness in his heart will cause his cancer symptons to linger. S.

Oh my God, I have a MIL the EXACT same way. I cannot stand being around her except she has to babysit when I take business trips. Don't agrue with people like this. There is an old saying. "Never wrestle with PIG because you both get dirty and the PIG enjoys it." Get it? I have you one better. My husband's entire immediately family is the exact same as the MIL. His sister, her hubby, the aunts, the grandmothers, I mean everyone. The women do not wear pants and thinks a women should be subserviate to men. They will not take a job where they have to supervise men. I would say let your husband decide if he wants to have this relationship. People like this cannot be reasoned with. They are self righteous, holy, and so heavenly that they are not earthly good. I say limit you time around him. No need in everyone being in agony.

Someone's response said religion is meant to be shared. I disagree. A person's relationship with God is very personal and private. Remind your FIL that there is a scripture in the bible about the false prophets shouting the Lord's name on the street corners to be heard but using it in vain. God said, I never knew them.

I, too, am a non-evangelical in a family of evangelicals. My family has learned, over the years, that I will not discuss politics or religion with them. Ever. After spending my early 20s arguing with them, I changed tactics and went the "Miss Manners" route. Whenever they raised the subject, I would simply say that I was very pleased that they had found something in which they believed so strongly. If they tried to continue the conversation I would simply say that religion was a deeply private matter to me, quote the verse about praying in the closet (Matthew 6:5-6), and change the conversation to another topic. If that didn't work, I would just stare blankly at them as they went on (and on). I was EXCRUCIATINGLY polite. Most finally got the message and we enjoy being around each other now. I don't have to hear it - and they get to pray for me when I leave. Win! Win!

With a few family members I finally had to be blunt and tell them that their behavior was unacceptable and that until they decided to treat me with respect I would not be in further communication with them. It took a full year of no contact before they realized I was serious. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be an option in your case. Hopefully the less drastic tactics above will be useful.

I agree with what Juli posted. Reinforce your love and support of your husband. Encourage him to show love and caring to his father for the time that is left. Let him talk about his frustration with his father's opinions but try not to keep the anger and frustration going. Instead defuse it by letting him get it out. Don't engage in the tug of war at all. Let you father-in-law know that he is loved. Love is the cure. Let go of the anger, unfairness and frustration and just know that your fil is doing this because he passionately believes he is right. Without resistance coming back at him he will begin to temper his push. Let him know you hear what he is saying - he wants to be heard - and that you love him and know he wants only what is best for you and your family. When he knows he is being heard and his opinion valued (if not followed) he will calm a bit. This may work some - maybe not completely. But try. It is hard to be forceful with someone who is not pushing back. Let go of all frustration and anger - it does not serve you. Much love and I wish you good resolution and a harmonious home.

I am an older woman--63--and a religious person myself. Your father-in-law sounds like a textbook case of negative attention-seeking. You said yourself that these behaviors coincide with his cancer recurrence. My hard-to-get-along-with father-in-law lived with us for a number of years before he died in our home. He was really cantankerous and taught me for sure that you aren't going to change an older person.

The only thing is to take control yourself by being proactive and not reactive; he wants you to be reactive to give him attention. If you could figure out some way your family is comfortable with giving him attention and take charge by pulling that off, your husband will have fewer regrets and feel better about himself after his father is gone, which, I think is part of the problem--how to conduct himself with his father and not create a lot of rotten memoriesand regret.

I find that dealing with an unchangeable person is aided by thinking up a pat statement that will put them off but with which I can live. Say it in a tone that is non-confrontative and repeat it as necessary. This technique is known in some quarters as "broken record." I've had it used on me very successfully. It shut me up quite well! Maybe try is "Let's agree to disagree." If it's good enough for him, you ought to be allowed to use it too.

This kind of situation is so difficult! Remmber that you will be alive a long time after he is gone and will want to live with yourselves without regrets. Maybe at moments when you aren't in conflict, you can risk the peace by talking a little about the process rather than the content of your exchanges. One of the things that really would help is if you could get him to promise not to mention religion or politics again. You could even be so bold as to say something like this: "Dad, we want so much to create happy memories with you and find that when politics and religion are introduced as discussion topics, a lot of hard feelings arise. Is there any reason why we can't agree that they are off limits?" Then you might suggest some alternate arenas which are fodder for conversation. Maybe his childhood memories, or memories of the early years of his marriage, or other things that center on him. This will give him positive attention. I have found that that beginning "Is there any reason why. . ." is an excellent intro to a difficult situation.

There is absolutely no reason to try to argue with this man. It will get you nowhere. I once had a psychotherapist who gave me the following illustration of this: He said that, if I own a dog who digs under a fence and escapes, I would not beat the dog or scream at it but rather rebuild the fence and/or fill in to prevent a recurrence, because I know THAT'S WHAT DOGS DO. That phrase has become a mantra for me when I deal with ornery people, especially older men. I realize they are not going to change because "that's what dogs do." Somehow this tale and moral encourage me to save my energy and take back my power from them.

God bless you and your little family. I will pray for you!

M.

Blessings to you H.,
Often disease can exaggerate one's negative or positive traits. It sounds like you and your husband's life is stressful so this advice may be difficult in practice. Use patience and humor (yes humor)to avoid heavy "issue laden" topics - "Yes we know how you feel" (with a cheshire smile) on days when you're not up to it try "can we not go there today -we've had a rough one already" If he is really being pushy or judgemental stay pleasant but cut your visit short - soon they will get the idea. Taking the high road is a bit more difficult but the view is worth it. It will be easier on you, your husband and your marriage if you maintain the relationship, forgive him his shortcomings, and leave him when you leave his presence.
Since you like to exercise - try yoga (your husband too); you'll feel much more relaxed and develop coping tools for dealing with difficult people. Sighing and yawning are two socially acceptable ways to release tension in a person's presence that will signal them they are not pushing your buttons and returns the stress back to them.

I agree with you that it is not very christ like to try to get you to believe like him.But I have run across alot of people like that.Some people are very set in thier ways especially at an older age.In the past I usually steer clear of people like this which you cannot do or try your best to change the subject might do better with him.Some people just want to tell others about God and religion so bad they go over board.and don't use alot of wisdom.I myself am a christain and I believe that really it's the life you live not what you say to people

When I read your letter, I felt like I was writing it. It sounds like my brother. I agree with everything you said. I just don't know what you can do about it because you are not going to change him. It is hard to argue with someone if you don't talk back. Have you tried that approach? Whenever he brings up politics or religion just zip it. Don't respond or just politely say this subject is off limits in our presence. The end. Get up and leave the room or the home.

H.,

My best advice to you is to love your father-in-law with his faults. He feels that what he is doing is the "RIGHT" thing to do.

Next, ignore him...he is doing this for the attention and the response it evokes in you. Tell him that the next time he does this, you and your spouse along w/any children are leaving whether he has cancer or not. Please then follow through.

He will either back down and think of others and act like a true CHRISTIAN should or he can die alone and bereft.

P.

Remind him that Jesus said that we should be a "light onto the world", not a "raging fire".
It's sad, but unsuspecting Christians, if not careful, can be used an instrument used to PUSH people away form God instead of guiding them. Fanaticisim and pushing of God onto people has never accomplished anything but strife. God IS love because He gives us a choice. We can choose to follow Him or not and that is the real beauty of it all.

One thing that might work well is to just pretend to agree with him and change the subject. I've used that little trick myself with a difficult family member or two hehe! ;)

Best of luck!
M.

I would remind your father-in-law about the passages in the Bible that talks about the unbelievers. You and your husband, I would guess, are considered "unbelievers" to your father-in-law. Anyway, it says to set a good example by the way you live. Pounding on you and your husband is never going to get him what he wants, but living a Christian lifestyle and treating people, including family, with a Christian attitude may help him and you all. It sure would make it a lot easier for you to be around him and he would get to enjoy his family more if he wasn't always trying to "save your souls."

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but you need to have a "sit-down" with your father-in-law and pull up those passages in the Bible for him to read. He doesn't seem to be displaying a Christian attitude by his actions. Maybe he hasn't thought about that?

Good luck

If I were in your shoes, I would probably try to compliment your father-in-law on the strength of his virtues, and tell him you admire his faith. I believe the same as you, and I have found that with certain Christians, you almost have to just play stupid or placate them to get them to shut up! Perhaps if you compliment his faith, and simply say you appreciate his perspective, he will not be so defensive or pushy, because there won't be anything to push against. Also, if he's dealing with cancer, perhaps a lot of his aggression on the subject is due to his fear of death and wanting to protect his son, in the only way he knows how - through his faith. So, perhaps letting him know you guys have a strong faith in God, but choose to internalize that faith, will give him a sense of security about the whole situation so he can let it go. People drive me crazy who think that their belief system is the only acceptable belief system - but whatever you believe, I think you can phrase it in a way to give him comfort. These debates are always soooo nasty - why can't everyone just accept that WHATEVER a person's PERSONAL view of GOD is, there's room for all of us to believe what we want, and wouldn't GOD (anyone's version) want us to all get along???!!!!!! Good luck!

You said that you and your husband didn't believe the same way as your father-in-law. Does that mean that you both are Christians and that you just have different ideas about Christianity?

I, too, am a Christian and I love the Lord very much. You are right, however, when you say that the attitude you are getting from your father-in-law is not Christ-like. It is not anyone's place to judge another. We are called to spread God's word and let His love reflect in us but we are not called to condemn the world. But please remember that your father-in-law must care a great deal about all of you to feel so passionate about what you are doing with your lives. Please don't think I'm defending his behavior, though.

I only responded to this email, not to argue Christianity, but to tell you from a Christian perspective that I also had/have a very pushy, controlling father-in-law and to tell you what I did about it. From the beginning I apparently did not raise my kids right and at one point said that my kids were going to hell, although he denies that he ever said that to this day. My oldest son also took the brunt of some of his rantings and he had absolutely no love for his grandparent. What I was doing was trying to be polite and respectful of him because he is my husband's dad and my elder. When that didn't work, I resorted to anger and lashed out at him several times--once in front of my kids. After several years of doing this, God convicted me to stop responding to him in anger and to start praying for him, myself, my kids....and to quit trying to handle this on my own. I speak the truth when I say that within a couple of weeks my father-in-law did a complete turn-around. To this day, he is very supportive of me and my family and my oldest son now enjoys a great relationship with him. I cannot describe to you the miracle that took place when I looked to God for help with this. I know it may sound simplistic to some but this was truly a miracle.

I don't know if you are a believer or not, but this was what worked for me and my family. I pray that your family will experience victory over this as well.

Dear Abby once wrote a column about in-laws that was very thought provoking. Basically she said that just because people are related to you does not mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. She suggested that you tell the person that when they behave in a certain way they are not wlcome in your home. If they are willing to behave appropriately, keep seeing them, if not, don't. That may seem harsh but they are the ones making the choice. Also, arguing with your in-law is a lose lose situation. Don't do it. He may never change his behavior but you can change yours. Just because someone is sick doesn't give them cart blanche to provoke arguments. I had incredibly frustrating relations with my in-laws which you would not believe, and after I quit seeing them, my stress level dropped considerably. I still send cards for special occastions, my children still talk to them on the phone or write letters and I occasionally visit on the phone with them too and I keep it to how are you feeling and what's the weather like. When you have a relationship that you can control by distance, i.e. phone/mail/e-mail you can choose to hang up or not write. Good luck

I know you have already received several responses but if I may, I would like to add one. First of all, I believe that whatever behavior your father-in-law is exhibiting it is probably meant in love. Secondly, although "religion" has a personal aspect (a personal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ) it is not meant to be kept to ourselves. I don't know where you stand with The Lord but remember, it's not what we believe but what is true that is important and makes the difference. (John 14:6)

Since the last time he got this pushy was when he had cancer as well, do you think he just might be worried about your husband's life and wants to be really sure he(your husband) will go to heaven? Sometimes people express a deep concern in a very pushy way, which doesn't work very well in most cases.
I can understand that it is frustrating and maybe even hurtful, but try to think of why he has all of a sudden become more pushy again. Maybe he feels his time is short and wants to have all things settled for his own ease of mind.

H.,
What a lot to deal with at one time! I consider myself a pretty strong Christian with strong beliefs-but never could I beat someone over the head to make my point! I think a good response would be to tell the father-in-law that you are living your beliefs in love. He may be yelling and telling but he's not loving! Every conversation should end in "I love you dad." Feel free to walk away and get a little space. Maybe your f-i-l is worried about dying with out sharing his faith. Doe he have a wife, and if so could she help? No one wants to be beaten over the head-it isn't pleasant and it never changes ones mind. Be honest and draw the line. Tell him you want to see him but if he starts with the unpleasant behavior the visit is over and make sure the visit happens in a place where you can end the visit. We all have to answer for our behavior in the end and it's a shame that this man is not walking in love. I will keep your family in my prayers.
D.

Hello H.-- Is it possible that you could talk with your father-in-law's pastor or another member of his church who is a good friend and tell them how you are feeling and ask them to help you reach his heart? Your father-in-law may be afraid of dying, and be concerned that he needs to be assured that you are "saved" before he dies which is making him more "passionate" or aggressive about his beliefs. Perhaps if your husband could just try to listen patiently the next time he wants to share his beliefs with him, and then reassure him without compromising his or your own personal beliefs. May God guide and bless you all in this.

Hi H.,
Being a Christian, I think your father-in-law thinks he is doing his duty as a Christian and trying everything he can to get your husband and you to accept Christ into your hearts before he passes away. I understand you think he's being overly obsessive, but maybe he's scared. Is he married or does he have a significant other? Just try to be as compassionate as you can, don't argue with him and see what happens. I'm sure you have already tried everything, but he doesn't have much time left on this earth. Humor him.....