I have a friend that has been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. Her chemo is done in the hospital where she has to stay for 4 days and then she has a few weeks off. I am trying to be supportive as I can since I know she is having a hard time. I have been leaving inspirational quotes on her facebook and calling her every few days to see how she is doing.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I would be happy to take her out to a movie my treat when she was feeling up to it. She seemed to be very receptive to the idea. About a week ago, I mentioned that today would be a good day if she was feeling well enough. She seemed good with it. I checked on her Monday and mentioned it again, but said I would call later in the week to see if she was feeling well enough. I left a message last night and I have not heard back. I left one more message just now asking her to call me back if she wanted to go out...to just let me know.
This friend normally has a history of being passive aggressive and not really saying how she feels. I totally get that she is going through a horrible time and all normal etiquette is out the window. My feelings are not hurt at all. I was just trying to be supportive and do a nice thing for her. If she doesn't want to or feel up to going out, then I completely understand...I just wish that she would come right out and say it...I have already told her that it would be fine if she didn't feel like it.
So now, my instinct is to just back away and let her deal with her situation in whatever method works best for her. Do I continue to offer to take her out somewhere in the future or just let it go? I do want to be a good friend here...
I have to admit that I am a bit surprised at some of these responses. My motivation here was nothing more than to do a nice thing for a friend going through a rough time. I have no intention of trying to smother her. She, as well as, several of her family members have mentioned to me how much they like the inspirational quotes. She was immediately receptive to the movie idea, so I thought it was a welcome idea. She has not called, texted, or posted a message on facebook. I can only conclude that she is not interested in going out today.
You are a true friend. Sitting through a movie may not be a good idea. She may have to vomit, change seating positions, get tired, etc. Just take over a huge bag or fruit, juices, some dvds and some soothing music.
What about something that the two of you can do together, at her home? Like a movie and dinner? She may not have much of an appetite, but she needs to eat and the movie would likely be a welcome distraction. If she is having a rough time, she may not feel confident enough in her body's ability to hold down food, if you two went out, or that she could sit through a whole movie at the theater. If it were at home, you two could pause it, if need be. Keep trying. You're being so great and supportive!
When someone is not feeling well and or experiencing grief, you can't expect them to say yes or always accept a person's help. In which case, don't ask again .. instead, maybe send a card of inspiration. OR make some food and or bring it over her house. I have found that sometimes you just have to DO things.. take action.... maybe a movie right now isn't a good idea but you can show support in other ways..
good luck to you and blessings and healing to your friend...
Keep calling. It might be that she's just not up to going out. Going out is so exhausting. EVERYTHING is so exhausting when you're in chemo.
Ask her if she wants to watch a DVD instead. Bring popcorn (the healthy pop kind with less butter and salt). Ask if she wants anything brought to her...takeout or something. My sister loved Burger King's chicken sandwiches...even though she'd end up yakking it up. She just wanted something normal that tasted good. To this day we still laugh about those chicken sandwiches. She's been cancer free for 6 years now.
Be there for her.
Good for you for being willing to keep up with your friend like that, but she might be feeling smothered. How she feels from day to day or even minute to minute changes, and it's annoying and maybe overwhelming to have someone looking to have her express and account for those feelings at regular intervals.
I think that you should try to keep a flexible schedule for if she needs you. In the meantime, give her a few days fo silence from you. Then, send her an e-mail or text message or card saying something like this: "Hey, girl. I hope that today feels a little brighter than yesterday. I am sending you the gift of my love...cloaked in silence. Sounds good, right? Well, here's a hug, too. I'll probably send you some fruit or something in a few days. Let me know if you have any special requests." Then, go buy her favorite fruits and vegetables and leave them at her door. You've got to prove to her that you know how to just be around but leave her alone, you know? She needs to feel like you are asking NOTHING of her, like you have no expectations.
Don't put it on her to call you if she needs you or wants to spend time. Just take it upon yourself to check in with her every few days or week--phone call/text: "Hey, just checking in." Don't drag it out and don't expect to talk with her. She can appreciate the constant, but she doesn't want to feel overwhelmed or obligated to respond. She knows that you're there. Please stop with the daily quotes. In fact, stop with the inspiration. It's not meant to, I know, but to the person going through something, those things tend to invalidate their pain. It leaves them little to no room to feel and acknowledge the shittiness of their circumstances. Positive spins are a process, and it's annoying to have someone try to force you into that space.
ETA: Ditto Lucy F's second paragraph. I don't think that anybody is questioning your motivation or your level of friendship; we all probably assume that you love your friend and are trying to figure out the best way to help her. You did ask. You shouldn't take personally HER response to HER illness. She shouldn't have to focus any energy on making you comfortable, which is what you're asking when you force onto others what YOU think they should receive. Did you ever bother to ask her if she enjoys your daily inspiration? When our loved ones are hurting, we tend to jump in and give them what we think they need to get better. We don't always tend to follow their lead or to even ask them directly how we can help them. Ignoring you sometimes might be her way of creating those boundaries. You say that she's passive-aggressive. Maybe you take that as a green light for you to make certain decisions for her. This is not an attack, just an observation about your dynamic. You probably don't even notice it if you've been friends for a long time.
my daughter had chemo like this, in the hospital, then out for 2 weeks, then do it over again. I think you are being a great friend trying to be there. Just keep in mind a few things. The drugs give them huge mood swings. My daughter would be really grouchy and yell at me (because I was safe, ya know?) They also are beyond tired, and they are very forgetful. My daughter felt her best in the 3 or 4 days prior to starting her next round, and then afterward would sleep 18-20 hours a day.
I think you should not ask her to call you if she wants to do it. She most likely wants to follow her initial instinct and just curl up and sleep. If you have planned the date - then the day before, call and remind her that tomorow, you are picking her up at 4:00, if she is still up to it. Then a few hours ahead of time, call and ask if you can bring her anything, like a fruit smoothie or slush.
Another idea may be to ask if you can come over and help her clean since you know how very tired she is. Or can you do a few loads of her laundry for her.
My daughter was 21 and lived with me, but I cannot imagine going through what she went through while trying to also maintain a household.
Yes, please do continue to offer. Passive-aggressive nature aside, she's on a rough road. She may be fine one day and totally rotten the next - hardly able to function. It can be hard (and embarrassing) to accept an invitation and then realize you can't go through with it.
If she's not the type who can come right out and say, "On second thought...", then you know what (and what not) to expect. Keep encouraging her and being available. Ask her if she'd like you to bring a movie to her instead of taking her to a movie. Maybe she can handle that physically.
I like Heather LP's advice. You have done what you can. Now let your friend respond how she needs to.
I would like to add that although your inspirational posts on her FB page are meant to keep her spirits up, she may find them condescending or just plain annoying. Unless you are a cancer survivor, you really don't understand what she is going through. When people are angry, tired, and frustrated because of health issues and other tragedies, inspirational quotes from well-meaning friends can sometimes make things worse. Maybe just send her the occasional e-mail letting her know that you are thinking of her.
She is very lucky to have you as a friend.
You're being a good friend and I would just continue calling to check on her but not mention going out. Maybe when she's up to it she'll let you know.
Maybe also, if she has kids you could offer to babysit or take them out for a little while to give her a break. Or you could offer to clean her house or run errands, etc.
Good luck!!
She probably doesn't feel up to going out today. Or it could be that she doesn't feel like she looks good enough to go out? I don't know if she's having hair loss or anything, but maybe that has something to do with it.
It does sound like you are being a good friend and I would think that the inspirational quotes would do her psyche good. But what do I know? I've not been through what she's going though - Thank God!
I would probably take a few minutes to drop by, make sure she is okay and then just tell her like you told us - you want to be a good friend; you want to give her what she needs; you just need her to TELL you what that is, even if it's go away and leave her alone. Tell her she won't hurt your feelings; you will still be there when she needs you. Just please tell me what you want me to do!
Good luck! Best wishes and prayers for your friend.
if you called last night and then today I'd J. leave it up to her when she wants to contact you next. i dont think it's cancer related though i think either she's busy and will call back when she can or she's giving you signals that she isnt as recpetive to the friendship you're so nicely offering
I think you are being an awesome friend. I would let this die down and then if she hasn't contacted you in a week, then call her. Tell her you understand if she doesn't feel well. Please let YOU know when she is up to going out or anything she would want to do with you. Thats all you can do :)
In situations like this, I would offer my assistance and then sit back and wait for her to ask.
I have a friend whose father was undergoing a mortal illness. I always offered to do whatever she needed but she never took me up on it. I reiterated it several times over a period of time so that she knew that I was sincere in my offer but ultimately she never felt the need.
She knows where to reach you when the time comes.
Go with your instinct and back off a bit. She might be overwhelmed in getting her strength back from this last round of treatments. The chemicals in her chemo concoction might make her ill and tired leaving no energy to do things right now.
Send her a note of inspiration every three or four weeks and let it go.
If she is receptive in the future bring a good dvd, popcorn and a few tissues and watch together at her house. Know that it is not her personally but the treatment and each round of treatment affects the person differently. She may also be embarassed because her hair has started to fall out, she has lost some weight, and she doesn't feel or look pretty right now.
Contact the local cancer society center for help as they can give you good answers and suggestions.
Thanks for being there as a good friend. She knows that you are around and that's all that matters right now.
The other S.
Call her and tell her about not being hurt if she postpones or cancels. Maybe she would like to do something else. Ask her, then give her room to decide. God bless you.
I would wait a couple of days and try her again. I have had several family and friends go through chemo and there are many "up" days and many "down" days and it takes a while to figure out how your body will process the chemicals.
You are being a good friend and she probably doesn't want to turn down your offer outright. So, I would suggest letting her off the hook. Drop off a couple of casseroles and other day-to-day items that her family may need along with a couple of DVD's and a note saying "Give me a buzz if you want to have a cup of tea and watch one together!"
Don't back away completely. So many people are going to do that to her anyway because they are uncomfortable with sickness. Keep reaching out in little ways- you simply never know when she'll accept your offer!
Oh... and make sure you know the content of the movie you're going to see. Funny story (in retrospect)... when I was in HS I had a great boyfriend. We are still friendly and our families are still close. After a few months of dating, his father was diagnosed with lung cancer and underwent (successful) surgery. It was very scary and they were home a lot on the weekends (unlike them). So, one night we decided to give his parents a "double date night" with us... we rented a movie and made dinner for all four of us. His mom was in the mood for a tear-jerker, so I rented "My Life". Yup... about a man diagnosed with brain cancer and he dies at the end. Fortunately, they thought it was funny and still tease me about this nearly 20 years later!
Yeah, but I would make the offer than not push it. So, make an offer to a movie, follow up, than drop it. Then a week or two goes by, ask again, then drop it. Chemo makes one feel very weak and very nauseous.. among other ailments, She could be feeling fine one minute and feeling horrible the next. Just let her take her time. She just probably isn't feeling up to it right now.
I know where you are at with your feelings. I have a co worker who is going through the same thing and has responded the same way.
She once mentioned that she felt insecure about how she looked after going through her chemo, so I took a step back and just continue to get in where she will let me fit in! which is no where at this moment, we were in the beginning stages of building a friendship so I just send her a scripture via text every now and then letting her know I am here and thinking of her.
I would back off a bit. Explaining how she feels to you maybe her last priority at this moment. Keep in contact via FB like you have been and send her a gift card for the movie to enjoy at her leisure letting her know you were serious about the offer. We cannot imagine what and how she is dealing with this because everyone is different.
