I started a new job for the summer last week. I have been getting up at 5:50 am and driving to work and doing 9 hours, then sitting in traffic for 1-2 hours home. I don't normally do this commute, and I will be working from 8-12 starting next week. So, obviously I have been exhausted when I get home.
We have 2 kiddos; our son is 4 and autistic and has separation anxiety from me. Our daughter is 5.5 and has Sensory Processing Disorder and Generalized Anxiety.
Well, hubby was not supposed to work this week at all because my hours are so hard, and he is on kid watch. Well, he decided to pick up a shift at work last night. Monday's are my day to go to my counselor from 5-6, so he told them he wouldn't be in until 6:30 to make sure I got home first. He was trying to be very sweet and had dinner ready for the kids to heat up, and he had put Melatonin in the 4 year old's formula and in our daughter's mashed potatoes. Well, he texted me this as I was leaving therapy and driving home. He said he was leaving for work, our nephew was there to watch the kids, and so I was going to take the potatoes away from her when I got home. She can have the Melatonin, but the kind we use for our son also has GABA in it. This is great for him because his brain doesn't make enough due to the Autism.
But, she is like me and doesn't need the Gaba, so it makes us go a little crazy, My psychologist said that it is the chemical that controls schizophrenia and if you take it and don't need it, the person will have symptoms of being schizophrenic. I know I have experienced these myself, when I took it once, which is why I had asked her about it. DD had a similar reaction the one time we gave it to her, and I made sure that he agreed and knew that she could not have gaba. I did buy another plain melatonin to use for myself and her if we needed it.
Hubby used the wrong one on her, and he had given her her dinner before I got home, so she took a whole dose of it with the Gaba in it. She started having breakdown, melt downs, her head started hurting, her ankle hurt, she didn't want to be touched, but she had to snuggle me, but my boob was in the wrong place, my elbow poked her, etc. etc. for 2 full hours! before I got her to relax enough to go to sleep. She was so freaked out and she kept asking me "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY???" I told her daddy had given her the wrong Melatonin and it was an accident. If I hadn't known what was going on, I would have taken her to the ER, but I knew it was the Gaba. She was up at 2 and 3 and 4 with me because she couldn't sleep, missed me, had to snuggle me, etc. I got up at regular time and went to work, and she finally rested.
So, speed up to this evening when I got home at 6, (I left work at 4), and she told daddy it was his fault she had a bad night, and it was ok, she knew it was a mistake, and please don't do it again. I took a Sharpie and wrote on the bottle while she watched so she knew he wouldn't make the mistake again.
Hubby was very upset with me that I told her what had happened and that it was a mistake. But, she was freaking out, and she is incredibly smart, so she understood right away. Remember she has SPDs and over reacts to everything. She also has Anxiety and if I hadn't told her the truth, I think she would have worried at it for a really long time. I don't really know how long, but she thought she saw a shadow in the closet 2 years ago, and now we still have to sleep with the closet light on.
Question here: So, Hubby thinks I was wrong to tell her what he did, and now it is all his fault, and he feels really bad, and she isn't going to trust him, etc. They have a troubled relationship as it is. Did I do the wrong thing telling her what happened? If I did, what should I have told her or done? She will ask to go to the Doc when she is sick and needs to go because she understands what it means for her body.
Other Info: We work with the Developmental Pediatrician, Nutritionist, Counselor, and regular ped. to work with the Melatonin and dosing. She doesn't usually need it, but she has had problems going to sleep for the last several months, and he was just trying to help me out.
Thanks in advance, I appreciate it.
ETA: Hubby did apologize to her once he knew what I had told her. He was very sad that it had happened, and told her he won't do it again, and that he feels very responsible for it.
I think you handled it well enough, however considering you knew her relationship with her dad was troubled I don't think you should have placed the blame on him. A simple 'you got the wrong kind of medicine by accident' would have been sufficient.
I think telling her the truth was the right thing to do. It sounds like she fully understands and isn't holding it against him, as she knows it was a mistake. You were able to reduce her anxiety by being honest.
It is very important for her to be able to relate her behaviors/feelings to their actual cause. What if it happens again and you're not there, but rather the nephew is caring for her? She may be able to tell him "it might be my melotonin - ask my parents if they gave me the wrong one."
Your husband is upset due to whatever has caused him to have a troubled relationship with her already. Don't allow him to use that excuse to lie to your daughter about things. Honesty is best when dealing with something medical like this. Instead, help him focus on ways to improve his relationship with her.
Sounds like an incredibly taxing week for you. I truly hope tomorrow is a better day.
Of course, you should tell her. We don't tell children about adult problems. We do tell them if what has happened, such as giving the wrong medication, causes a problem that directly affects them. This is how they learn honesty and how to manage themselves as they get older.
Her and the contentious relationship with her Dad is most likely caused by the way he treats or talks with her. I suspect he's dishonest with her in other situations. If he wants a better relationship he needs to apologize to her. It was a mistake. By not acknowledging his mistake to her, he's more concerned about protecting his image of himself than he is about her. She needs reassurance from him that he's not going to make that mistake again. Also, when he doesn't accept that he made a mistake he's giving her the impression that he doesn't make mistakes; therefore he's telling her that she has something wrong with her because she knows she makes mistakes.
How does he react to her mistakes? Does he lecture her or in some other way let her know that mistakes are not acceptable? That she is less because she feels that her Dad doesn't accept her? She is a smart girl. She knows when something is not quite right. She may be more sensitive and recognize when something is going on. It's essential that she knows the cause of her discomfort so she knows and can recognize that her feelings and behaviours are caused by the pills; that she's OK and this will pass.
What does he think you should've told her? Would saying that help her feel more secure? Would she think feeling and acting this way was her fault? Her Dad made a mistake. Dad's make mistakes. Why does he feel that he has to protect his image with her. If my Dad had come off as being perfect, I would've felt less than perfect.
Actually my Dad did sometimes. I was angry with him. My brothers didn't get angry; didn't stand up for themselves even in their minds. One became an alcoholic. The other brother is an introvert and still has difficulty accepting that he made a mistake and apologize for it. His lost 2 good jobs as a result. Of course it's not that simple. Perhaps this information may help him accept that he needs to build a better relationship with his daughter. She's 4. He's an adult; thus has the responsibilty to find and try to correct himself, to find a way to make their relationship better. I suggest he start by being honest with himself and herm
Your day sounds like a bad movie (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Very Bad Day).
I don't think I could have handled a day like yours better.
I think you handled it fine. And I also think it's ok for kids to know that parents are not perfect, and we all make mistakes. The most important thing for your DH to do was to apologize to your daughter, so he can model how a person should act when they make a mistake (and trying to pass the blame to someone else (you) is, IMO, not the behavior you want your daughter to model).
However, it sounds like it's a very tough week, and a little bit of forgiveness on everyone's part is likely in order given the whole situation.
I am honest with my kids. You didn't do anything wrong, and in fact, I think you did exactly right. Husband maybe thinks you "blamed" him. He needs to figure out why, and he also needs to be honest with your daughter and apologize for making the mistake. Then reassure her that you've both taken steps to keep that mistake from occurring in the future.
Mistakes happen. That's living life. Maybe Dad wants to be the perfect superhero dad.... but that's a lie. He's human like the rest of us. Daughter will love him for being human more than pretending to be perfect mr. superhero.
I think you did the best you could. What an awful night for you. Glad you kept a cool head and knew what was going on.
Knowing me, I might have tried to word it as, "Oh honey I'm so sorry - it looks like there was a mixup and you got brothers medicine by mistake. You'll feel better soon." Then it's not really directed AT anyone.
But I think considering the two kiddos you have been blessed with, the adults need to lead by example - everyone is allowed to make mistakes, and it's ok, and we let it go. House rule.
(That means everyone forgives each other - AND themselves.) My son has ADHD and finds it hard to let "wrongs" against him go - but that also extends to himself, so when he screws up, it is very hard for him to let it go. So it is extra important that we model that, in our house. Both towards other people, and ourselves.
I think the issue here is that you placed the blame on someone - your husband. The incident could have been explained without concentrating so much on the 'Daddy did the wrong thing', and more on ,'the medicine was wrong,'. Your husband is probably feeling very much blamed for an innocent mistake.
What a rough day!!!
Well, if you take everything else out of it - it's really your husband is just feeling badly/guilty about what he did most likely, and sounds like he's trying to deflect the blame a little bit. Like you were supposed to cover for him or something .. so that your daughter wouldn't be upset or disappointed in him.
When my kids break something of mine, they try to say the other did it (not so much now, but when they were little they tried that ... ) because they didn't want me to see them in that light. They knew I'd be upset.
Better to be honest and just have your daughter accept his apology. Move on. You've done the writing on the bottle and explained it wasn't his intention to cause her undue harm. He won't do it again. He knows better now.
Exactly how I would have handled it. But dad needs to apologize and just say he didn't mean to, and will do better now that he knows.
I wouldn't second guess yourself - you handled it well. Sometimes people have to be *big* enough to apologize.
Good luck :) I hope your week gets better!
Hubby feels bad, and rightly so (luckily she didn't have a full allergy to the medicine), and doesn't want to have his daughter look at him in that light. It was an accident.
Too many people are worried about being blamed for things and not enough concerned about taking responsibility. It comes down to wording mostly but people can take responsibility without feeling "blamed". In my mind...blaming is being accused of something whether or not you did it.
You could have said "There's nothing wrong with your body. It's just reacting to the medicine and we won't give it to you again". It acknowledges what she is feeling...something is wrong and honestly explains it without placing blame.
Well, it IS his fault, what should you have done? Lie to her that she's just having a bad night? Knowing it's the wrong medicine was the correct thing to do. You might have saved her from trying drugs when she gets older by allowing her to associate reactions to drugs with how she was feeling. She will remember that forever!
I'd tell hubby that next time you are working this schedule he's going to have to not take a shift because you can't do it. He should have called you and mentioned it. IF they kids had gone down then it might have worked.
I wish you had less stress in your life. It truly sounds hard.
no, i think it was fine to be upfront with her, so long as YOUR demeanor wasn't accusatory or angry toward your husband. mistakes happen. it's good for kids to know this.
khairete
S.
Your husband is wrong. You are both very lucky to have a child who understands her body and is so attuned to it. It would be disingenuous to not give her the information she needed to hear because she needs to trust her own body. In fact, if you had NOT been truthful with her, she would no longer be able to trust her body. She is fully aware that people can make mistakes, so instead of not trusting her father, she can be MORE trustful of him because you leveled with her.
Anything less would make her distrust her own understanding of her body. And that is a huge disservice to her and to you both. Get that across to your husband.
There is nothing wrong with kids knowing that sometimes parents make mistakes, and seeing them model the correct way to deal with mistakes - apologizing (which your husband did), and rethinking the way things are done to prevent a recurrence (relabeling the bottles, which you did).
