Should I Go? - Salinas,CA

I would go if I needed a break. Before leaving, I would shop & cook a few things, then I would make it really, REALLY clear that I'm not coming home to clean, do laundry & "catch up."
Good luck!

I was once invited to a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday and just like you I was in 2 minds. I had so much going on at that time and money was tight.
So I flipped a coin.
And went.
And had the absolute time of my life!

I'd tell her that you've had some pretty big expenses lately and that you just can't swing the weekend. Then mention lunch the weekend before or after.

I would go and do my very best to relax and have fun, because everyone needs a break every now and then. And I would make it clear to my husband and kids that I would NOT be playing catch up around the house when I got back, they are more then capable of keeping the house clean, and planning their own meals. Your husband is a grown man fully capable of going to the grocery store and buying and cooking food, and cleaning his own home.

I think as moms we forget, dads are also patents. They may not do things the way we moms do it, but if the kids are alive, they have done their job.

You not only deserve to go, you NEED to for the sake of your family. They need a break from their stressed out mom as much as you need to get away and relax a bit. And DO NOT feel guilty or stressed about this.

Go and get a check up, you sound like you are having anxiety and not a normal amount, but way too much.

Go! Have fun! Stop making excuses.

I used to work for a workaholic. We worked at a church (college campus ministry), and she was at the church everyday. She was only there for a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays, but still she was there every day.

I took students on weekend retreats 3 times a year, and when I did I always took a day off. My boss commented that seeing how relaxed (and productive) I was after that one day off was a wake up call to her. She always felt that she had to go in to work because there was so much work to do. But she hadn't thought about how tired and run down she was and how much better she might feel if she took some time for herself.

My point is, it is very, very healthy to take some time for yourself. Sounds like you might really benefit from a couple of days off.

I am the kind of person who, when my kids were younger and I was in your position of having too much on my plate (or thinking I did), would have not wanted to go for all the same reasons you are listing. And by the way, that means, as suggested below, a little OCD, a little bit of a control freak.

But the times I let all those "cons" go and forced myself to take a break -- it was ALWAYS worth it.

You will always have stuff to do. You need the break. DO IT.

(p.s. -- It sounds like your family is old enough to take care of themselves - don't feel the need to stock the fridge before you go and prepare meals, their sports stuff, etc. They are more capable than you think.) Just pack your bags and go. Take the day off work when you get back if you need to.

GO.

I think the fact that you can use a break far, far, far outweighs everything else. Your life sounds like mine, where every vacation comes with a penalty but honestly, I've never regretted carving out a weekend to spend some time away with my girlfriends. Do you know that there is research that shows that the best thing a man can do for his mental and physical health is get married and the best thing a woman can do for her mental and physical health is nurture her friendships with other women? Give yourself this treat!

There's a great big gaping yawning hole in your post.

Your husband.

Where the heck is he in your calculations? You mention only that "my kids are old enough that it's not that big of a deal to leave them with my husband for the weekend." But then you unwittingly contradict that statement: YOU would have to "make sure there is food in the house" and that the kids' "things for sports" are ready and when you return you will "have more cleaning to do." Sorry? Husband cannot buy food as needed, organize the kids to get out the door for sports, or even (if this is the issue) buy and bring the snacks for the whole team if that's the deal?

What has he said about this trip? Is he encouraging you to go? Or is he whining that he will have soooooo much to do and doesn't know which shoe goes on which foot on which kid? How helpless is he, or...can you step back and be objective about yourself here even if it hurts....Are you possibly in a state that many moms reach where you just feel that "It's easier if I do it and not him" or "They can't do without me"? Because that may be where you are in your head even if you don't realize it.

The fact that he is totally out of the equation, both in terms of your trusting him to just get on with a weekend without you, and in terms of your not even mentioning whether he is supportive of your having down time with a friend - well, that's a huge omission.

I know you want an answer to "should I go" but first can you answer for yourself why you don't trust him enough to just deal for a few days, and why you don't factor him into a decision like going away?

Sorry, but I see so many posts on here where a mom is asking for advice about a situation that is so clearly a joint decision with her husband--and she never mentions him or his position or whether he can manage to get cereal into a bowl for a kid for two mornings straight. What's up? Is this about seeing the friend, or about feeling like things just will be easier if you stay home and do everything yourself?

You mention a lot of general stress and anxiety and in passing happen to mention issues in your marriage. This stress over the brief trip sounds like a symptom of something much larger in the room that you are not seeing. Maybe it's past time to consider seeing a doctor about generalized anxiety and a couples counselor about why you have marriage issues.

I used to feel like I was the only person who could care for my kids Then I thought what happens if I can't? They will get along fine without me for a few days.

I was elected to president of a club and there was a seminar for a week in the southern part of Germany. My husband took off the week and ran the house without me asking. I came home refreshed and felt like a real woman again. When the kids started to act up, I told that I could go back where I was and enjoy the peace and quiet and no noise from them. They both looked at me and changed their tune real quick.

You are a woman, wife, mother in that order. Most of the time women forget that and let the mother take over and run the show. A woman has needs and wants just like a man. You need to reconnect and make it so. When the children leave and they do leave will the two of you know each other or will you divorce? Usually once the kids are out of the house and you (hub/wife) are strangers and have grown apart.

Go, go, go, run for the nearest exit and enjoy the time away to find you. Come back refreshed so that you can sort through the family dynamics and get them together. If your friends won't/can't go you go by yourself and enjoy room service. The laundry, and the bickering and the whatever will still be there when you get back. Stop with the what ifs.

the other S.

PS You are so overdue for a break. If your friends are that flaky perhaps it is time for a few new friends.

It sounds to me like you need a vacation. Be a good friend and go!

Maybe this is God's way of snapping you out of whatever funk you're in?

I think you should go. Normally I wouldn't say that but there is something about your post that makes me feel it might be a good idea.

Good luck - don't beat yourself up no matter what happens.

You sound EXACTLY like my best friend. She is very anxious, and stressed and has a hard time even going out for a day or evening let alone a whole weekend.
She works full time, has two school age kids and a husband who travels a lot.
But let me say this, whenever I can convince her to get out and go do something she ALWAYS has a good time. Once you're gone you can't worry too much because, well, you're not there, your family has to figure things out on their own.
And they always do.
So make sure there's food in the house and a list/schedule on the door and GO. You need a break. If one of your kids misses out on something, or if they don't eat three perfect meals a day because dad drops the ball it's not the end of the world, I promise.

I think you should go for your own sake. Looking quickly at past questions is looks like your kids are well over 10 yrs. that's time for you to be able to go and not have to shop first or clean when you get home. Leave your husband a specific list. Unless there are complications you didn't mention he can do these things and your kids can help. You sound so stressed. I know I fight leaving and all but the few times I do everything at home is fine and I'm glad I went. Husbands usually step up when we are gone. It's when we are there that they can be lame bc they know we take care of everything. Take a break. Unless it's unfair to him bc he works 80 weeks or something, go. And if she's planned so much, kind of hard on your friend to cancel now.

It is not the events or the amount of things you have to do or this trip that are stressing you out. It is your thought patterns about these events. The thought that you shouldn't be flaky is contributing to you acting flaky. You are obviously struggling with ideas that you have to do everything, that everything has to be done a certain way, and that you are not allowed to say no or have any down time. These are all beliefs and thoughts that are causing you to suffer with anxiety.

It might be time to sit down with paper and pen and pour out on paper all of the anxious and fearful thoughts that are running through your head. You can start with all the "shoulds." Just list all the shoulds that come to mind. Don't censor. No one will see this and spelling and grammar don't matter. This will allow you to release some of the tormenting ideas that just spin around in your head. There is a magic that happens when we transfer our thoughts to paper. We often fear that putting them on paper will make them too real, however, just the opposite is true.

Knowing that you flippantly answered her gives you the information that you are not tuned in to yourself. Each time someone asks you to do something, stall. Say something like, "I will get right back to your about that," or "Let me check my calendar," etc. This will give you the space you need to be very mindful of your time, energy, and resources (or lack thereof) and support you in only committing to things that benefit you and the other person.

A great resource to support you in becoming more aware of your thoughts and tools to question those thoughts is The Work by Byron Katie at www.thework.com. She has a lot of free information and worksheets that can support you in feeling less anxious.

Also, a great book is The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson.

Although you are stressed and have anxiety right now, you have a lot going on (most families do) this might be what you need to re-energize you for your family and distress yourself.

Your husband and children will be fine without you for a weekend, they will not starve, the house will not cave in. On top of that, it is good for your children to have time alone with dad. A weekend is not a long time and it gives your children time to bond with dad.

Try to look at it from a point of view that you are helping YOU. This will give you a much needed time to put yourself first for an entire weekend to relax and recharge.

I would go.

I would go, and I would enjoy myself. It sounds like your kids are old enough to help out their dad to get through a few days without you. It's not like you're going for a whole week. And so what if something doesn't get cleaned by you over the weekend. Give the kids and husband a list and ask them to do it.

Unless you're a control freak...then you should stay home because you won't be able to relax with your friends.

This is why it's important to say what you mean and mean what you say, and not let someone else's behavior dictate that.

I would tell her that my initial response was not a commitment and I would need to check on what else is going on in my life around that time. I'd probably laugh at her a little, too, for picking that up and running with it, and not touching base with me at any point in the planning process.

You are not obligated to go. You can even tell her that logistically and realistically, you're not necessarily interested in spending the entire weekend away from home right now. (That's how I talk to MY friends. They know that I can't imagine being interested in a full weekend of girl time. I can give them an intensely fun and even eventful few to several hours, but then I want to go home.)

PS. Take some time off. Just don't spend the whole time with her.

I wouldn't go. If it makes you MORE anxious at the thought of a "get
away" then you don't need to go.
I completely understand. I want to be there for my kids. I'm more anxious
being away. Some moms can do it & actually enjoy themselvs.
Don't go out of a feeling of an obligation. You won't enjoy your time.
Just tell her now that while you thought you could go, you simply can't.
Don't give too many explanations.
What you could offer instead is a day where you meet in the middle (90 mins for each of you for lunch, your treat. You could even do some
fun shopping at a nearby mall, store or strip mall.
At this point in our lives, we get to choose what we want to do. Not out of
obligation. You have major responsibilities.
At this point in your life, you get to CHOOSE what you want to do.
You have choices.
Personally if she can't meet 1/2 way for lunch, then I would simply send her some fun gifts, cards etc (think birthday in a box) in the mail & call her
on that day.
Don't go, be miserable, spend too much money you don't have simply because you said something off the cuff. Just let her know right way...Now.
Best of luck.

First of all, you should go!!! Second, you need to delegate things for your family to do - not only while you're gone, but sounds to me like ALWAYS!!! Not sure what your husband does, but make him help out more. Have him get food for the weekend. If it's not exactly what you would get, so what! It's one weekend!! Do your kids help around the house? If not, they need to!!

Like my mother always used to say..... the dirt will still be there waiting for when you get back.

I know how you feel, I used to feel the same way. Then I began to think, what the heck, I need a break!! I told my husband to handle things, and he was always supportive. As it turned out, my kids were still alive and well when I got home from a weekend getaway, and that's really all that mattered!!!

Just go and make up your mind you're going to have a good time!!! Then go and have fun!!

Good luck!!!

Hmmmm. How good is this friend? You will have stress and tons of stuff to do at home EVERY weekend. You WILL Survive if you leave for ONE weekend even if there is some extra work because of it. However, if you have a souse and some older kids, you shouldn't have to do EVERYTHING to make up for your absence, and they may be able to step-up better than you think-at least in not trashing the house.

How MUCH will the financial hit really hurt you? A LOT, or can you save a little here and there to make up for it?

You'll be stressed while prepping and packing and making an extra grocery trip, sure. You'll feel fine once you depart. You'll have a BLAST for the getaway if that's what you decide to do: Celebrate and have fun with your friend. If you decide to: "Feel bad about leaving" the whole time you're gone, you obviously won't have fun.

I would personally do it if I could afford it and if it was a good friend. Thats' a big birthday to some people. Is it important to her? Sounds like it. Each and every rare trip I have been able to take with friends (none since I had kids btw) has produced really special memories and has been fantastic even to silly low-key locations.

I would make it happen personally. You can get back to what you always do the following weekend. Consider your extra effort as good karma and part of your gift to her. If she's a great friend that is.

I think you should go. Sometimes we fight hardest against things that are best for us. It really sounds like you could use the time away. Don't worry about house cleaning - the dirt isn't going to walk away from you, unfortunately. You and the kids will be fine if everything is not neat as a pin for a week. It sounds like your priority right now should be to destress. And really it doesn't sound like you have that much to do. You would have to put food in the house whether you were home or not; I bet the kids can handle getting together whatever they will need for their sports. If they can't they can do without or borrow from a teammate or whatever. Really, the world is still going to revolve and your ceiling is not going to fall in if the kids have to do for themselves for once.

I say GO!

You should go. There also should be no reason your family cannot function without you for a few days. Certainly to the point where you need to take off work to catch up. Sounds like DH should be sharing more in the day to day since you both work outside the home. Have a great time.

I also would not 'delegate' things to my husband. He is an equal partner and can figure out how to manage in his own style. Give your family an opportunity to manage things their own way for a few days. They will still be alive when you get home. And likely pretty proud of themselves as well.

"Sounds like fun" is not an ironclad commitment. How far away is her birthday?
Is tehre enough time for you to plan, juggle the budget, and actually be able to enjoy yourself? If not, then simply tell her thatwhile it sounds great, you just can't do it.

does she have money invested in it already (ie a deposit)?
if so, you should probably suck it up, and do your best to have fun.
if not, remember that this is a FRIEND, who should try to be understanding.
'magnolia, i know you've got great plans for your birthday, and i seem to be part of them. forgive me, darling, but it's just not going to pan out. i've got so many irons in the fire right now that i'm already in danger of a blowout. i would LOVE to take you out to lunch, but that's all i can manage right now. can peony go with you? no? again, i'm sorry, and i know you'll have a great time whatever you decide to do.'
khairete
S.

If you will not be able to afford the time or money, then tell her you're sorry, but you can't go at this time. I realize that sometimes just going anyway can make it fun, but it sounds like you need some self care, too. If she asked you and then didn't follow up before making plans, then she's taken the risk that you might not be available.

What I might do is say that you are sorry but the timing is bad. If you think you would feel better on another weekend, offer that as a compromise. Just because I make a plan doesn't mean that my friend is obligated to follow it. If she's really a good friend, you'll talk it out.

There are times when having just one more thing to do is just not right for me. I never feel better when I pile it on when I am already stressed. You need to be honest with yourself and make a decision that works for you. It's not being flakey. It's acknowledging limits.

I would go! Let your husband handle the food at the house. He'll figure it out. Do the bare minimum to get your act together, but go! Yes, it's inconvenient to make time for extras as a parent, but so worth it.

You need a break! If you cam swing it financially, then go. When you leave, make a commitment to relax and enjoy yourself for 48 hours. The world will continue to spin without you thinking about it :) I say that affectionately, because I know exactly what it feels like to have so many things going on, so many commitments to meet, everything will fall apart if I rest!!! You may have to play a little catch up when you get back, but you are talking about a little break, not a week. Let yourself have a good time. Your kids and husband may even surprise you with competence!

Sounds like you could really use a relaxing weekend away, but with everything on your mind, it's going to be hard. Take a deep breath, & realize that everything at home can be planned ahead & resolved after. You don't mention when this trip will take place, but I'm assuming it doesn't start tomorrow. =-)

So first, make sure your husband is on-board with your plans. That means he needs to know what days, when you leave, when you get back, so he knows that there will be no fishing trips with his buddies, & no staying late at the office, because he'll have the kids. Just because he is your husband, & even if he is a very involved husband, he probably doesn't coordinate their activities the way you do. And you don't list their ages, but I'm assuming they are younger than highschool.

So have a quick checklist - Johnny needs: cleats, uniform, helmet for football practice, Suzie needs shoes, shorts & shin guards for soccer practice. If not already, get a gym bag for these items to be kept in, & have the kids pack them up before you leave.

Food supplies can be pretty easy - a few frozen pizzas, or make-ahead a pan of lasagna, & buy lunchmeat/bread for sandwiches, couple boxes of cereal in the cupboard. You are leaving for a weekend, not a month, & there is always dining out or running to the grocery store if they want something else.

Cleaning - here's where you can get creative. Based on their ages, make up a list of 3 things they need to do that weekend. Maybe all of them need to keep their rooms clean & toys picked up. All of them set/clear the table & put dishes in the dishwasher. Then (based on how many kids you have) they get one or two "specific task" - Johnny needs to clean the bathroom, & do the laundry (washed & folded). Suzie needs to vacuum & pick up in the family room, & clean the kitchen counters & stove, any pots & pans. You get the idea. (based on ages, hubby helps out as needed)

Now here's the carrot - If, when you get home, all those things are done, then the family goes out for ice cream. If they are not, no ice cream. (or if the kids are older, maybe a movie)

When you go, its with the understanding that you are not to be contacted unless someone is in the hospital & won't get out before you get home. You'll connect w/hubby once a day to say "I love you" & have a great time! T.

I'd sit down with hubby and lay down the law. Tell him it's disrespectful of him to let the kids go without supervision all weekend to the point you have to take off work to clean the house. I'd say that's nasty, perhaps you need to teach him how to clean. I can't imagine my house ever being so bad I'd have to take off work....

Assign the kids chores so they will learn to clean and will start cleaning up after themselves.

Hubby is responsible right? He's not lazy or helpless right? He should have to take a day off work to clean the house if it's really that bad...

Then go. Tell the friend that you will need some time to yourself to decompress then you'll be all hers the rest of the time. Take friday night to unpack, take a long bubble bath, listen to your favorite music that makes you relax, not the stuff we put in that energizes us and gets us moving. The stuff that makes your bones melt and your muscles go AAAHHHHHH.

Then put on your jammies and go to bed. Sleep in the next morning. Get up and go do stuff with your friend and forget how nasty your family is.

Hopefully your husband can learn to make the kids clean up after themselves and not make such a horrible mess. Are you perhaps OCD? Then you might want to visit with someone about meds for that.

What I got from your message is this.

Either hubby is a slob and kids are allowed to completely trash the house unless you are there to be the family maid/servant/less than a servant

OR

You are so OCD that no matter how much he cleans and manages the house just fine it's never enough to please you.

Taking off work to clean a house is extreme and that's what I focused on in this post. Were you being flippant? or serious? Because if you are serious that you'd literally have to take a day off work to clean your house they are either pigs that don't deserve you OR you are OCD and nothing they do will ever be good enough for you.

That's what I got out of your post because you said you'd have to take a day off to clean your house.

If you look at this and see yourself in either of these roles then you might want to think about talking to someone about that. There are meds to help people not be so OCD and there are also meds and docs that can help you feel empowered and strong enough to stand up to them and get them working better.

It's just my background in Psychology that perhaps made me focus on that one line. I hope you'll go with your friend and get some rest. You do need to refocus your mind on positive things. How is your family going to take care of themselves if you are so stressed out you stroke out or have a massive heart attack and die? You need to take care of yourself and get hubby and kids and yourself all on the same page about WHAT clean is, WHAT is not so clean, WHAT can be a little messy and WHAT cannot be allowed to happen.

For instance, if my kitchen isn't finished and I have something to do I have no issues going and having fun then later or the next morning finishing up the kitchen. My MIL couldn't go to bed if the floors hadn't been mopped and the dishes put up. Sinks scoured and counters cleaned and wiped with pledge or something to make this sparkle.

I clean the bathrooms about twice per week. Not an issue to me and I have been told by friends they'd rather eat in my bathroom than in my kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen and hate the smell of a bathroom. So I clean the bathroom and gave the kitchen to hubby to clean. It works out.

I love doing laundry. Kids don't put their clothes in the hamper, they don't get washed. If they get to the point where they don't have any clothes hanging in the closet, well, they should have put their clothes in the hamper and done it like I wanted them to do it, I am not their servant, I'm the mom in the house not their personal maid.

So it comes down to looking in the mirror and seeing who your family sees.

Are you a tyrant that cannot be please because no one in your home can do it right? Like you want it done? Because they are simple not capable of doing it to please you?

Just some things to think about.

you will stress no matter what. remember, kids and housework will still be there waiting for you to get a hold of the torch. if there is something enticing about the getaway, concentrate on that and go. if you think the getaway will be a drag, cancel.

I say you should go. Promise your husband a real *good* time for him (wink), if you come home to a clean/decent house; make a list for him and the kids.

The older I get, the more adept I am at the art of saying NO. I think you should call up your friend and tell her that as much as you wish you could get away and help her celebrate her birthday, you just can't do it. It's too much of a time and financial commitment to your family.

As for you. You should get a break doing something (cheap for free) that you enjoy! Nothing wrong with that, right?

I would rather not go, but would force myself to go and hope to have a great time.

As long as you talk about it with your husband, you go. While you're gone you trust that he's handling the children and their issues even if he does things differently than you do. There's no reason on earth that you should need to take any time to "catch up" on cleaning and getting things "back in order" in your home when you get back. Just trust that your family will adhere to tidying up while you're gone. If not, oh well. When you get back then THEY clean up, not you.

The money you spend for that time away will be worth it.

Trust me. TRUST ME. I've done a few weekends away with my best friends and it's always worth it.