Should I Continue to Reach Out

I would continue, at least for now. but do not say anything to your son. It would be wonderful for the family to want to be involved, but it sounds like they just dont want to. You are the only one who can really decide when enough is enough. When you do get to that point, just make sure they can get in touch with you, if they ever change their mind.

From someone who has gone that route already, stop trying. It's not up to you to make them a better family. If they want to have contact then they can contact you. I gave my son's paternal grandparents my contact information even down to email and told them to call me whenever they wanted to see him. I made it clear I had no issues with them making contact. But do know by law, you are not required to make visits with them. This is important since they may play that card in a convo you may have! I stopped telling my son that they were coming and even stopped saying that his father was coming to things. If they came I considered it a surprise for my son! Eventually, you will become tired of the trying and getting burned by the comments that arise. And eventually, your son will start hearing these comments and that is not healthy either!

I AM GOING THROUGH JUST ABOUT THE SAME THING BUT A LITTLE DIFFERENT. I THINK THAT IF YOU TRIED TO GET THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FAMILY INVOLVED AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AND YOU TRIED EVERYTHING TO KEEP YOUR SON IN THEIR LIVES, YOU SHOULD LET GO AND LET THEM COME TO YOU. DONT GET YOURSELF STRESSED OUT OVER THIS SITUATION THOUGH. ITS NOT WORTH IT. FOR YOUR SANITY

I have a 12yr old daughter whom I've been raising on my own for about 10 years. I used to call her grandparents and take her over there or let her stay (remember I'm doing the calling) I would take her over there for holidays and when "dad" deciding he wanted to see her I let him. Well, I put my foot down! I'm the mother, I'm raising her on my own and the visits will be by my rules. They don't call oh well I'm not calling. It's their grand daughter, it's their job, not mine! If you don't go ahead and stop it now, it's harder on the children when they get older (and you). If they say they are coming over or going to an event, let it be a surprise, so if they don't come it won't be a disapointment. You have to keep your sanity also.. if you're not happy, he won't be happy. I don't know how old your child is, you didn't say. i used to let my daughter go stay with my sister or my cousin (all I trusted) so she would have other family that showed they loved her, and also so I could have time to date or just hang out.
Everthing happens for a reason and your son was given you as much as you were given him. God has a plan and a purpose for everyone and everything.
My daughter now 12 and I have a 4 year old son too (no father around) but my husband of 1 year loves my kids and it may have taken me this long to find Mr Right, but I have stability for me and my kids. (and the bills are getting paid..lol)
Good Luck and God bless... It's get's easier.

Let it go for your own sanity- I agree with the others here. It is your responsibility to keep your door open, but you don't need to drive yourself crazy trying to get them to come to the door.

Let it go.......as a little girl, I was in the same situation as your son. My parents divorced when I was two and my father was not a part of my life because he was a wanderer. He subsequently died when I was 10. I remember seeing my fraternal grandmother when I was around 13 or 14, I invited her to my first wedding when I was 20, she was there for the ceremony and then left, I didn't get to talk to her, at my second wedding, she never showed. My mother never kept me from seeing his parents (who eventually divorced) and siblings, but they never made an effort to see me. As I got older, I took some initiative and contacted them. A few years ago, my fraternal grandfather died. I saw June,the grandmother at his funeral, she barely spoke, I wrote her a letter, we made amends but soon after, she started saying how I never called her, blah blah blah. Well, Lady, you didn't call me for 20 years! Makes you feel bad, huh? Anyway, as he gets older, he will understand and he can make the decision himself whether he wants to have contact or not. I had other grandparents that were great and I didn't need her and still don't. I say let it go and pray for them. They are missing out on something great and wonderful! Good luck and I know you exactly how you guys feel!

Hey J.!

I was in a similar situation when my oldest son was little. His dad and I divorced when he has 1, and as soon as the divorce was final, he skipped town in the middle of the night. We haven't seen him since. That was eight years ago. While I expected something so hurtful from him, I never expected his parents to do it as well. Because of living out of state, they had only seen my son twice before the divorce. As soon as the divorce was final, they disappeared from my son's life as well. They would mail Christmas / Birthday presents for the first couple of years, but thats been atleast five years ago. I don't remember them ever calling. I was so bitter, that it consumed me. I remember thinking to myself, "how could anyone not want to know their own flesh & blood". It took several years, and meeting the love of my life for me to finally close that chapter in my life. My husband now, is the only dad my son knows. He adopted him shortly after we married. In fact, my son doesn't know that biologically he isn't my husbands. An issue in our lives that we know we must address soon.

Just by you taking the time to talk to others, shows that you are an amazing mother. Being a single mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding job there is. You should be very proud of yourself! As for advice...You have to follow your heart. The way I always felt about it..."if they don't want to spend time with my son, it's their lose"!!

Good luck in the dating circle. I know it's tough. I did find one valuable lesson when I was In the dating scene. When you find someone that loves your children as much as they love you, you know that you have found someone incredibly special. Best of luck!!

hi J.! first of all, i think you are amazing for raising your son on his own... he is very lucky to have such a strong woman for his mother! my younger daughter's father is not around... he refuses to have any part of her life. at first i was very angry, but once she was here, although she looks EXACTLY like her father, i knew she was MY baby girl all the way. if you are getting stressed about this guy, let it go! you've given them plenty of opprotunity to get involved, and now it lays in their hands. your son will know who is father is, know that that is part of who he is, part of his identity, but more important, he will always know that it is YOU, his mommy, that will always be there no matter what. it's important to me that i never bad mouth my daughters dad (in front of her!) and let her form her own opinion of him. so i say let go of the stress! its just not worth it... besides, youre the one with the wonderful, perfect child that is your son. you win! feel free to write back if you have any other questions! ~R.

Being a single mom raising your son with no help is hard enough, but having the added stress of being the one constantly arranging get togethers with the other side of the family and keeping them involved can become too much. I know! Been there, done that!
Explain to them that you have no desire to cut them off, that your son loves them, you know they love him, and you want them to be involved as they WANT to be. But let them know that from now on, if they want to see him, they need to be the one arranging a get together. They need to be the one contacting you, and not vice versa. Send them a monthly schedule of all his events, and if they want to come, they will. This just takes some stress off of you, so instead of sitting at his games wondering why they stood you up again, you know you've done all you can do. It isn't on you to make sure he stays involved with them. It's up to them. They need to step up. Granted, his grandmother is battling cancer, so ya know, have him bake her cookies and take it by every now and then. But if she wants to be part of her grandsons life, she will let it be known. And it hurts when you hand that burden over and they don't show much effort and desire to be a part of your son's life, but then you will know. And that will free you up of a lot of unneeded stress so you can focus on your son even more.
I know how hard it can be trying to keep your son together with his other side of the family. But your responsibility is to your son, not your son's father's family.

Hi J.! I have been in the exact same boat as you with my 15-year-old daughter, but with a twist. Her father left me when I was 7 months pregnant with her and never looked back. I met a wonderful guy when she was about 8 months old, and we got married 2 months later. I know that seems like a whirlwind, but we've been married for 15 years and have not 1, but 4 beautiful kids! My daughter's father's family never really had much to do with her. I was always the one taking her to see them, making arrangements to go to family reunions, birthdays, Christmas and so forth...with absolutely NO help from them. They never remember her birthday, which is New Year's Eve, or any other holiday for that matter. Her father died when she was 4 years old. He left us for a woman old enough to be his mother with an 11-year-old daughter. He gave up his own child for someone else's. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time when he died. I thought that his family would come together around my child when that happened, but they pulled further away. It seemed that no one wanted her. But something dawned on me...she ALREADY had grandparents that loved her! Her daddy's parents, which included his mom, dad and step-dad; and my parents, which are my mom and dad. She has 5 grandparents! How wonderful and lucky! All 4 of our children love all 5 of their g.p.'s! One is deceased now, but remains in our hearts. To make my point clear, don't dwell on the misgivings of your ex's family...focus on the good points that YOUR family can contribute to your son! When his father's family wakes up and realizes the things they've missed in his life, they'll regret it. Stop making promises to your child and tell him the truth. Depending on his age, if he's over 6 or 7, then I feel he's old enough to understand that they're not going to be there for him. Just make sure that you set YOUR relationship with him in stone. Make yourself his rock...you'll be better for it in the long run. When they decide to be there for him, finally, he'll know that Mom has been there all along. Stop telling him they're coming to games and such, but leave the option open. I wouldn't even bother to call. Just send them a printed copy of his game schedule in the mail. If they care, they'll keep it. If not, then you tried, and they had no excuse because you know you sent it. Live your life for you and your son, and don't let anyone else matter. They will be the ones to stand before God and answer for their sins. You've tried J., and that's all you can do. If his family wants to see him, let them come to you. It seems you've been doing this alone for far too long. If they REALLY wanted to see him, they would have been there all along. God bless you and your son. Drop me a line any time!

I would continue for your son's sake. I have the same problem with my husband's and my family. They never come to see us, we ALWAYS have to go to them...any special functions (with the exception of SOME birthday parties) they never show up for. It is very frustrating, I know, but when your child gets older they will see that it is not you that made it where the family was not involved, it is the family's fault. whomever they may be.....I wish you the best of luck, and try not to stress too much, just remember, it is not your fault, but theirs, and they are the one's missing out. Just keep extending invitations whether or not they show. I hope this helps.
N.

J.,

It is not your responsibility to make sure that they do the right thing by being in their grandson's (or son for that matter) life. It your job to leave the invitation open. That's it. I went through the same thing with my son's paternal grandparents. If you are inviting them to his games, birthdays, or whatever than you are doing so much better than alot of women are. You keep up the good work being in this situation and doing the right thing.

Dear J. N:

We have been living this life for 7 years. I have always called his family and invited them to everything our children were involved in. It is terribly disappointing when they don't show, but my children know it is by their choice. My boys are now 19 and my daugther is 14 and they understand their lack of involvement was by their choice. It doesn't change the fact that it still hurts their heart. When your son is older he will decide if he should keep trying or just to let them go. One of my boys has stopped trying, the other still calls hoping they will respond, and my 14 years old is just beginning to understand and trying to deal with it. I can stand before my kids and know I did everything I could for them to have a relationship with their dad and his family - and it feels good knowing I went the extra mile.

There is a point where the family is either going to step in and help you and show some interest in your son or they are not going to do anything and at that point you need to step away. I know your son wants to know his family, but it would seem that the continued hurt of them saying they are going to come and then not show would be more damaging. I would keep them aware of his activities but nothing more. Maybe even print up a calendar with his games, school events, etc and send it to them and if they choose to come they can and if not then you have not had to stress about it too much. If they would like to see him they can come visit you for a change and not always have to put that on you. You are a single mother and they are not helping in any way so why should you have to stress and go out of your way. If it fits into your schedule and you can do it then it is not a problem, but it is when you are having to stress over it that it is not worth it. If they truly cared they would be more involved. I do wish you the best.

Well first I want to wish you the best of luck. I know how it is to be a single mom & deal with the same situations. IN my case I jsut let it go. I quit telling my son that his grandparents are coming. He finaly quit asking me if they were coming or not. I know its very hard no set back & watch your child suffer from not having his father around. Just try to keep your childs head up. He'll be fine & so will you. Eventually he'll look back & say i didn't need them anyway. For his father I wouldn't even push the issue of having him in his life. Sometimes its better off that way. Your son will one day realize that. Go out & date it will be good for you! Let me know how it goes. Being a single mom is very hard expecially when you have to work & pay the bills on your own. I do know where you are coming from. Good luck & stay strong!

I can understand where you are coming from my son's "father" doesn't have anything to do with my son either. I've tried to get him to come around. I call, send e-mails. But still nothing. Now its to the point that its time to let it go and not worry about it. As long as your son knows that you tried and your not the reason why he wasn't around then thats all you can do. I keep everything phone records and I print out e-mails that I have sent. So he will know how much I tried. For me personally, I rather let it go then to set my son up for disappointment. Just make sure they know how to get a hold of you. That way they can never use the excuse that they didn't know where he was and thats why they never came to see him. Just know that day will come when they will have to explain to your son why they weren't around. Its not on you to make them be apart of his life. There the ones missing out.

J. I believe I would request a meeting with the grandparents, in person, to discuss your concerns. Not knowing if you have taken this step yet, I believe it might help, if you voice your concerns with them as well as mention to them of your son's frustrations when they don't fill commitments they have made with you. I'm thinking your son already feels a lil uneasy about not having a daddy around and then for his grandparents to say they are going to do one thing and then not do it causes more anxiety. I commend you for putting forth the effort to make sure your son's fraternal side of the family is part of your son's life, however, you can't make them be a part of it. All you can do is make sure your son's life is as stable and reliable as possible. If it means you telling the grandparents during your meeting that if they cannot keep their commitments with your son, then they need not make them. Its a two way road J. and they need to meet you half way.