What to Do....

Everyone probably covered it, but I think the truth is the best place to start. I know as a parent you want to have all the answers and provide them with everything they need. But, eventually all children learn that we adults don't know everything, and it will eventually make sense to them.

My father letft before I was even born so I now how the 3 year old fells. All I can say is to always tell him the truth. With him being 3 you may want to just say he is not here or he lives somewhere else but don't keep telling him he is sick. This may be hard but I am so grateful my mom never lied to me. I am now 35 and met my father only about 5 years ago. I grew up an only child by now have a brother and 2 sisters. Hope this helps.

My first suggestion would be to stop lying to him because he will only resent you for it later. You should just gently tell him that you don't know where his daddy is and that if you did that you would take him to see him. If he asks why daddy isn't around, you just have to say, "I don't know why, I guess because daddy doesn't know what an awesome boy you are"

Hi Trish. I was in your exact position with my daughter. Her dad was in her life until she was 2 and then stopped seeing her without any notice at all. She would ask me questions about where he was and I was always very honest with her. If I knew where he was (which was not very often), I told her, if I didn't I told her I didn't know and didn't know how to get ahold of him. When she was young like your son, she would limit the question to where he was and when he was coming to see her. As she started to get older she would ask Why her dad never came to see her or why he didn't want anything to do with her. Again, I was very honest with her. I didn't know why he didn't want to be a dad, and I told her as much. But, i would explain in a way she would understand that of course it wasn't her fault, she didn't do anything, it was just him and that some people were just not cut out to be a mom or dad. I would always keep the answers short and as simple as possible. I never evaded her questions when she asked and I never bad mouthed her dad even though he was a dead beat. Eventually the questions came fewer and far between, but they still came. As she got older I told her more about our relationship when she was able to understand. My daughter is now 19. When she turned 14 her dad came calling wanted to fill a "void" which he thought was my daughter. He wanted to see her. I left it up to her and it was her turn to not want to see him. And she didn't. When she turned 16 she still had many of those questions that I couldn't answer for him. And that was when she felt it was time for the answers. She located him thru his grandmother on her own and called him. Talked to him on the phone for along time, asking him all the questions she had. Unfortunately the answers he had were not good enough for her. Last year she met her dad face to face for the 1st time since she was 2. It was a one time deal. She came to the conclusion on her own as an adult that he was not someone she wanted or needed in her life. (I have been married to a wonderful man since she was 4 whom she considers her dad). He has tried to contact her several times since and she has made it very clear to him that she does not consider him at all her dad. It makes me sad for her that she has had to go thru this and that she has to tell him that, but I am very proud that this is a decsision that I have allowed her to make on her own thru her own thoughts, feelings and her own findings. And not by what I told her.

After all this, my advise to you is to be as honest with your son as you can in a way that he will understand. It may hurt sometimes and he will cry over it, but in the end he will appreciate you for being there for him, for being a parent he can trust, and when he grows up he will appreciate you for letting him come to his own conclustions about his dad, and for not making him feel about him the way you may. When you are in this situation and you have someone you know hurts your child, it is so hard not to say bad things about them but it's the right thing to do for your child. And when he is old enough, he will let you know that you did the right thing.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your son.

K.

I don't think you should lie to your child. Keep it short and sweet at this age, but something like "some kids daddy's live with them, and some don't. your daddy doesn't live with us" If he wants to know where he lives be honest and say "I'm not sure". If he wants to know more, just use the most simple explaniation you can. Don't build dad up or down. Meaning don't say "your daddy didn't want to be with us" and don't say "your dad wants to be here but can't" - unless the latter is true! Just say "there are all different kinds of families, some dads live with their kids, some don't, some dads get to spend time with their kids and the kids go visit them and some don't." I hope this helps!

There must be a better way.... Telling him his father is sick is only going to cause him to worry.. that is an adult responsibility that a 3 year old does not need. BE HONEST! Simply tell him that you do not know where daddy is... I went through this same thing with my son and for the longest time I told him his daddy was working out of town.... eventually he smartened up and asked me why he didn't call.... so, I had to tell him the truth. It was really hard. How do you tell your precious son "sorry daddy isn't around b/c he doesn't want T. not b/c he can't"? Try and at least wait until he is old enough to understand.. I think 3 is way to young for that talk.. When was the last time he sa his dad?

Please don't tell him his dad is sick, I'm not sure that is right. Maybe you could tell him the real story that you don't love him and he is with a lady that he loves, and one day you will find someone that you love as much as you love him. Right now it's just you and me. I love you bunches and you love me bunches.

Here is the hard part. You must be honest (to a point) with him. I come from a broken home. I did not live with my mother or my father and was told many lies about each one in order to keep me away from them...(I was even on a milk carton...I'm NOT kidding) Basically kidnapped by my grandmother and then moving from place to place to stay underneath the radar.

Tell your son that his daddy had to go away. Not because he didn't love his son but because of things that he couldn't help. This will be hard as he grows up on him. But for now, try to keep it as simple as possible. Find a male friend that can be a role model (that you know is going to stay in your life) and see if a friendship can't work out that way.

When your son is old enough, you will have to tell him the truth. And then leave it up to him to decide if he wishes to seek his father out...or not. Perhaps you might try to locate him once he gets that old so that as an adult, your son will be able to choose for himself if he wants to be around his dad or not. If you don't, he will resent you for not telling him what you know.

I feel you. I lived it. Unfortunately, life is like that. However, it will be you that will give him the influence necessary to grow with as he becomes an adult. Be the bigger person. He won't really understand or "get it" now because he's too young. But once a teenager, don't hold back. Every child has the right to decide when/if they do or do not want to see a displaced parent or not. If he's angry, let him be angry at "dad"...not at you.

Good luck

i was a single mom with my first son, and his father and I went our seperate ways before he was born. He is now 17 and this has not been an easy thing for him. I will give you this advice- don't lie. he needs the truth, but at appropriate doses as he grows up, unless it's true that he's sick, in the way your son has it pictured, don't tell him that, because if your story ever changes in the future he will wonder what else you lied about, and he needs to be able to trust you and your word! It ok to say, your dad just isn't able to be here, i'm not sure where he is, but sometimes daddy's can live at home and sometimes they just can't. and then focus on what he does have, God, you or grandparents or your close friends, etc. and keep your comments about him neutral, not negative. i don't know his history or why you don't want him around, but you have to remember-he is a part of your son's identity, so be careful what you say, again you don't have to make him out as a saint, just save the neg. comments for a friend, not your son. He will long for him and probably create a fantasy picture of him, and have lots of questions, again because he is his son. so any facts, pictures that you can share for his identity sake can't hurt, like you got your hair or eyes from ???. I also tried to explain as he got older thet some men help to make a baby, so they are a biological father, but some men take care of and raise a baby, and that's a daddy. and some men do both.That helped when i later met and married my husband of 13 yrs. I was able to say, beacause he was asking why so and so had a daddy and he didn't. I told him the man that helped to make you just couldn't be your daddy, but God has put My husband in his life to be his daddy. This is not ever going to be easy because it's not natural for the dad to not be there, but you and him can learn to deal with it in a positive way and hopefully grow closer together- just be honest!

Now, that a lie has been made you need to slowly unravel it. Otherwise he will feel like he was lied to and be extremely hurt. Start by telling him that daddy is sick but if you guys are around him, you will get sick too. Then you say , that you called to find out how daddy was , and no one knows where he is at. From then on, you just begin the honesty.
In time , he will get that maybe daddy doesnt want to find him or mommy without you having to actually say that.
You have to be very careful on how things are worded with children.
I am sorry you are going through this, but it will get better. The more honest you are with your children , the less you will have to worry about too much.

I was a single mom of a boy also (now married) and treated the questions the same way-by being evasive and not giving him the respect of straight answers. He is now grown up and has had many issues that I feel are in part because of his confusion.
Please tell your son more truthfully about his father. He is able to grasp that others have dads and needs good answers. As hard as it is for you, you need to tell him more clearly that while you cared about each other at one time,you no longer love each other and that some people are not really able to be parents. Tell him that his father has things he has to work in his own life and that you and your son are going to be just fine no matter what. Do not let him fantasize that this man is one day going to show up , but maybe let him have the dream that some day a great guy will be in your lives for both of you. Tell him that when he is older if he wants to meet his dad you will help him find him.

No matter what the circumstances, Always be honost with your children. Even if it's had for you it will be harder to explain later. Pray about it & choose your words wisely. You will have trust issues with them later & believe me that's much more difficult when they are older. Good luck & God Bless you both.

Hi T.,

You've received a lot of great advice. I would just add that telling your son that his father is sick will make him very fearful if ever you get sick. He may associate "sick" with "going away." I don't think your son needs a lot of details, just (as another poster stated) the fact that some kids live with a mommy and a daddy and other kids, like him, have only a mommy. I wouldn't tell him anything about his father loving him, as a 3 year old cannot understand that people who never see you or talk to you can love you.

My nephew grew up without his father and was told age appropriate things as he grew up. When he was 12 years old, he really wanted to find his dad and he did. They talk often now, but of course don't have a great relationship.

I wish you well. Try your best to keep things simple. If it is not a big deal to you, it won't be a big deal to your son. You don't need to sit him down and have a very serious tone of voice. If he asks when you're making dinner, just casually tell him that his family is made up of you and him.

Peace and Joy,
M.
http://onenaturalmother.blogspot.com/

I think you have to go along the lines of him being sick...maybe sick is his brain/head so much that he doesn't know how to be a good person. I think your son is old enough to explain that his daddy will not be coming home. Explain that you love him so much so you are taking care of him (if there is any other family/good friends around emphasize that these are your son's family and everyone loves him very much) I don't have much experience in this, but I have worked with preschool aged kids before. They understand more than you think if you are honest with them and keep things simple. Good luck!

Hello T.,
It has been my experience that honesty always works the best.
Even though your child is 3, he knows what sick means, and no one wants someone they are supposed to love to be sick.

It seems to me that telling your child that you did not tell him the truth would be the first step. Then telling him about various types of families..and there are good children's books to help you with that...single mom families, single dad families, adopted families, blended families, etc.
etc. Let your child know the truth about your real relationship with the dad, and that when he grows up, if he would like to find and meet his dad, that you will help him with locating him. To let him know that his dad is not part of his life and chose to move on with his life, without knowing the child is the best way to help the child understand that he has a mom and that he and his mom are his family.

If you need help with this, please see a child therapist in your area that can work with you and your child in understanding that there is no man in his family.

First off don't lie to your son. If you lie to him about this even at the age of 3 he will begin to put 2 and 2 together and anytime you ever tell him anything he will not believe you, it will hurt your relationship with him forever.

Tell him on his level what you know, no matter how hard this is for you or how much it hurts you that is still the father of your son. Let him know that daddy lives somewhere else and when he asks where be honest and tell him the whereabouts of he dad. This may be very hard for you because you may not want the father around but you son needs to know no matter how hard it is for you.

time to be a little honest. you don't have to go into full blown details but a real answer would help everybody. tell him that mommy and daddy don't live get along right now and that daddy can't see you until he's ready. keep it short and simple. i would suggest another male outlet a grandpa or uncle or even another good friend. i don't mean boyfriend. he needs a figure that can be constant for him to look up to. good luck.

Maybe a simpler explanation such as..."Not everyone lives with both a mommy and a daddy. And you only live with your mommy." My best friend is a single mom, no father ever in the picture, and this is what she told her daughter & it was a good explanation until she was older to understand a little more. When my own son (at 3) asked why Karli's daddy didn't live with them, I said the same thing and it completely pacified my son.

I would caution against telling him that his daddy knows where he is and will come see him if he wants to, or anything along those lines..that sets up abandonment issues. Save those conversations for when he is older and actually able to comprehend adult relationship dynamics.

Age 3 is a big age for boys - it's the "identity" age, and he is trying to identify with being a boy / man. Maybe he's craving a male role model? Maybe you could seek that out for him? Maybe contact Big Brothers & Sisters. I'm not sure what their criteria for placement is, it could be older. If that doesn't work, maybe you have some male friends or relatives that love to become an involved uncle.

Good luck!

No matter how hard it is, you have to tell him the truth. Lying will only hurt your son in the long run - and it can hurt your relationship with him. You don't have to give him the cold, hard facts...but - if his father is not sick, don't tell him that he is. And then, see if you can find a good male person for your son to bond with - his grandfather, a man from the church or a really good male friend. Just ALWAYS be as honest with him as you can.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am not sure of your situation and why the father is not around. But as someone who has works/worked with kids of all ages, and has some abandonment issues because of my dad, I have to say honesty within reason is the best way to handle it.
YOur son may not show it now but he will respect you so much more in the end if you tell him the truth...something along the lines of "This make mommy sad to tell you this, (and then give your story within reason). Then tell him how much you love him and that you would never choose to leave him, and that all kids have different familys...his is just the two of you for now.

I hope that helps some...I am sorry again you are going through this. I will have you in my prayers.
You are an awesome mom for asking for help!

My two are 16 and almost 15. I have raised them on my own since they were 16 months and 2 months. When they started to ask I told them that life is about choices (I had been careful to use this word when putting them in time out) and that their dad had not made very good choices in his life. That he was a good man, who loved them as much as he was able (I explained for a person to truly love another they must first love themselves and he did not), but made bad choices (I have never said he was bad) and that the judge had put him in lifetime time-out for his bad choices. In my situation, he was very violent and we had a protective order on top of his rights having been terminated. I only told them what they needed to know but truthfully. He passed away last year and we met with one of his neices who was more blunt about him than I ever was. My kids each thanked me for telling them the truth always and for not ever bad mouthing him even though he might have deserved it. They also finally understood why I never dated and that I had loved their father very much.

I hope this helps you in some manner. There is also a great book about a boy without a dad explaining that he does have a dad that he can talk to anytime he wants - God....I read this book to each child separetly, substituting their names and it does help. Mainly, as most of the other ladies have said, do not lie to your son.

Best of luck to you.

I have a feeling that you won't want to hear this but......it really is unfair to not tell the truth, or at least a version of the truth to your child. The truth will eventually come out and it will shatter him some day.....I was lied to about so many things as a child and it just left me with horrible scars that were difficult to overcome, who knows, maybe they never have....my point being having parents is natural, obviously he HAS a father, whether this man can be his DAD is another issue and should be left between the 2 of them. I would urge you to contact his father and make sure he 1) knows he has a child and that he's asking about him and 2) encourage them to have a relationship, whatever it turns out to be. Otherwise, down the road you will be seen as the mean mom who kept them apart.....please think long and hard about how this will affect your son long term. Best of Luck to you in raising him, I know it's a tough road alone......

Dear T. N,

I am praying for you and your son (for the father too, wherever he is). I pray that God will give you the right words at the right time, so that you can be honest with him(as honest as a 3 year old can understand). You might also talk to a child counselor and ask for advice.

May God bless you both.

Deb D

I have been in your shoes. My son Clay was 2 when I had to leave Las Vegas and move here to the Dallas area. His dad my husband at the time self medicated bipolar with alcohol and speed. I did try to stay in touch with him but he quit his job and moved from his apartment with no word as to where he was going. Clay asked about him and would tell me he missed him, wanting to see him. Even at two I told him the truth that his dad had moved and I did not know where. I reassured him that his father loved him and that I would keep an eye out and try to find him. When Clay was about 5 he did start asking again about his father after all , all the other kids at school had one. I again told him the truth that his father did not contact me when he moved away. He then stated telling people that his dad ran away. So I did my best to let Clay know without making his dad look like a bad person that his father had a hard time controlling the way he felt and how to control his feelings. That his dad sometimes felt the same way Clay did when he would get mad and hide. I told him that I was not sure when or if we would ever see him again but that Clay had so many people in his life that loved him and would be with him even though his dad would not. No matter what my feelings are for his father I would not want him ever thinking that I pushed him to feel one way or another about the subject. I think he needs to go though the emotions and make his own decision about it even if I hate to see him sad some times. I met a wonderful man two years ago that I love very much. He started out just being friends with Clay and now Clay has made the decision to look to him as a father. Clay is well adjusted and very happy. He still asks about his real dad form time to time but sound less and less sad. If they are LOVED children will heal.

T., this is a tough situation but you will only make it worse by telling your son lies. He will eventually learn the truth from someone and when he does he will mistrust you and that could last throughout his life. Little things like this are the things that put walls up between children and their parents. After raising two beautiful children the one thing I learned that is one of the most important things you can do for them is to show them that you are the one who can be trusted. Pain is a part of life and though it may be painful for him to hear he must know at some time. If you are unsure about the way to approach the matter maybe you should ask your pastor. I'm sure that a pastor will have had to answer these type questions before. If you do not have a pastor I would suggest Hillside Christian Church. I hope wisdom for your time with your son.

T., I applaud you for seeking a good way to handle this with your little guy. I feel that though you should not lie to your son either you should NOT tell him his father is a "bad person" even if he is. I would probably be truthful but leave things out that he doesnt NEED to know. I would probably tell him you dont know how to find his father and hope one day he will find you. You want your son to never be tainted with hatred or bitterness. Also explain to your son that not everybody family has a mommy and a daddy, and that its ok. People and families come in all shapes and sizes. Some people were not meant to be fathers. Blessings.

That's a tough place to be in T..

One thing you never want to do is make up a story. Even if you know the child isn't able to handle the truth, don't make up a story. You never want to put yourself in the eyes of your child as someone who isn't completely honest with him.

I would be honest with him. Obviously given his age you can't really explain everything to him. You don't want him to feel abandoned either. You might just say, "Honey, I haven't talked to your daddy since before you were born (if that's the case) and I don't know where he is. He knows how to get in touch with us and may one day do that, but for now, we can't see him."

Hello!

I am a single mother of a 14 year old and a 4 year. My 14 year old knows his dad and is supported by his dad financially. He has seen his dad about 10 times in his lifetime but we communicate with the remaining family members. My daughter is about the same so far. I have never really had that problem because I do not mention there names is my house. When I pissed off I never mention there names in front of them. They do not exist. You should try it. If he is a CEB (Christmas,Easter,and Birthday) cut it off. I would tell him to go through the courts because it's in the best interest of the child. So, when your kids starts to ask these question just change the subject.

Hi T.,

I was thinking about your situation and am wondering if you can change your story a little with your son about his father. Maybe you can just tell him that he's away, but not mention that he's sick because he might get a negative attitude about being sick later on because he'll associate that with his father who isn't present in his life. Plus, don't tell him that he's coming home soon because he's forever expecting him and he's a no-show...another big disappointment and association with not coming home soon.

Have you ever heard of M.O.P.S.? MOPS is a group of mothers who meet once a month and share with other women about their challenges and success stories when it comes to children. You can go on their website for further information. They usually meet at a church and you don't have to be a member to join. You meet lots of women that have a high regard for children and your kids find playmates.

Wishing you the best.

Hi T.,

Have you asked your son why he wants to see his dad? That may seem silly, but we often assume we know what our kids are thinking, yet we're way off base. If you can get him to communicate his thoughts/feelings, you may be able to feel the need that is lacking. What ever it is, I agree you need to let him know it's the two of you, and emphasize how lucky you are that you love each other so much and have so much fun together. Stress what he has rather than what he doesn't have. Good luck.

Get to a child specialist to develop a plan - this won't go away so you will want to handle it well. Start with childreninthemiddle.com and let me know if you need additional resources. J. D., Atty ###-###-####

Definitely do not lie to your son about it. I would go along with the lines stated before that you have not seen his father since he was born and do not know how to reach him. If the father is aware of your location, then tell your son that he knows where we are and will find us when he is ready to be in our lives.

I am not sure of your background with the father, but if he was a "bad person" then explain that to your child as well but in gentle terms.

God blessed some families with both parents while others were blessed with just one. God has a plan and he is handling this situation. Make sure you tell your son how much you and your family/friends love him and regardless of a dad or not in his life, he is as special as can be and he will do great things in his life because you and God love him.

J. S.

We are raising our 5 yr old Granddaughter who's father is unknown. We have been told to tell her we don't know where he is but her Grandfather will be her new 1st Daddy.(could be an uncle, your brother if you have one or someone you know will be around) D. S

I have no personal experience in this area, but a friend of mine did. What she told her little ones, was that Mommy and Daddy chose to go different ways in their lives. Mommy and the two little ones decided to live in Dallas and have a life here and Daddy chose to live somewhere else. Daddy has a very very busy schedule and needs to be on his own for awhile. That's what she told them when they were little and it seemed to quelch their curiosity. She never went into the Daddy still loves you and didn't leave because of you and all that stuff. They were too little and she didn't bring it up because she didn't want them to start wondering about stuff like that.... Anyway, that is my limited knowledge on that. I'm sure you will got loads of other good advice, from people who have been in your situation. Just remember, if you are ok, it will shine through and your kids will be ok.... They really are tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for.