I know I am going to sound silly even reading this post after it is finished but I would like some other thoughts on this topic. My son's dad texts me and will say how much he misses our son. He lives about 60 miles away, I have offered to meet him halfway and he has never taken me up on the idea. Almost every time I go to visit my parents, I stop through where he lives (call first of course) so that my son can his dad. I know it's not my job to make it convenient for his dad. I have always kept the door open to their relationship. But when is enough enough? I want his dad to see him more often and I know that it's out of my hands. What baffles me is that he has other children and continues to have more and more children, I think he has 7 now by 5 different women. Now my son has siblings he will never know. I get so angry and sometimes just want to cut off contact with his dad. But then again I want to keep that open and let my son make the choice of whether he wants to see him or not. At his age now which is 2 1/2, he has no idea what is going on. He sees his dad on occasion, talks to him on the phone but that's it. I know in the end I can say I did all that I could do but I can't seem to let it go. When I met his dad, he was fighting for visitations with his daughter, went to court, it was ugly but he got to see her 3 times a week. And now he has this open opportunity to see his son and doesn't. I just don't get it and maybe I am just venting here. We don't have a parenting plan or visitation schedule. He does pay child support and has my son on his insurance plan so that really does help me. But what I want and what my son needs is a relationship with his father. He says his work schedule is hectic and only gets Tues. and Wed. off during the week. My opinion is that he has too many children and not enough time for them all, if he's even seeing them. Thanks for any words of encouragement or advice.
K.
Honestly- I think that it is more to guilt you than any thing. I listen to Dr. Laura alot and well she would tell you he is the dad and he needs to put a real effort. If you have an open door... at some point you may want to shut it until he knocks.
Hi K.,
I have been through a similar situation. I broke up with my son's father when my son was 6 months old. I tried to keep the lines of communications open with his dad and grandparents, since his father still lived at home with his parents. They would see him other weekend but I had to do the calling to arrange it. His father paid $30 a month for child support! Some weekends they would cancel at the last minute. They (dad and grandparents) claimed to love my son so much but they never made any attempt to see him. The visits stopped when he was 4. They cancelled that weekend and said that they would see him at the next visit but never called or returned my calls. The last time my son seen his father and grandparents was when he graduated from preschool at 5. I called to invite them to the ceremony. They lived 10 minutes away from me. The grandparents would go to the restaurant that my mom worked at every weekend and would talk to my mom and ask about my son but NEVER asked to see him. My mom would show them pictures but after a while that irritated her because it was always coming from her side. My son knew from early on that I was trying to let him see his dad. He knew it was his dad who wasn't making the effort. It's a tough situation but as long as your son knows that you are trying, that's the only thing you can do. You son needs to know that it's not you or him that is making a bad decision. You want to protect your son but sometimes it's better to let them know the truth because if you aren't honest with him, he might blame either you or himself on why his dad doesn't want to see him. You don't want him to blame you because he needs to know that he has someone that he can depend on. And you really dont want him to blame himself because that will hurt his self-esteem. The ideal family is 2 parents but when it's only one, that child needs to know you will be there for him no matter what and that you will do what's best for him.
I've raised my son by myself for 13 years before I got married. He knew he could count on me, he know that he could call or visit his father if he wanted to. He also knew at around age 6 or 7 that his dad just wasn't parent material and that it wasn't him, but his dad. I was living in Hawaii then and we moved to Missouri to be with my husband now. It was hard on him, but he always knew that I would always do the right thing for him. He never once fought with me on leaving his family and friends. He's 20 now and he has never once regretted moving here. When he was 19 he got a birthday card from his grandparents and they wrote that now he's an adult they want to have contact with him. They sort of implied that they didn't have a chance when he was a child. My son just laughed at that because he knew the truth. And they thought that he was 18 but he really was 19 then! That just proved how much they didn't know him! He doesn't want anything to do with them. He feels that they had a choice to be a part of his life and they chose not to. And now he doesn't need them, he has other people in his life that he can depend on.
It's going to be hard because your son is so young right now, but you can't keep forcing your son to see his dad. He's going to catch on that his dad really doesn't want to be with him and sometimes it better to just let it go. Just because he made him, doesn't make him a father. The truth hurts but in the long run, it's better than making excuses. When it came time to have that talk, I just told him that his dad loved him, he just isn't ready to be a father. He's not responsible enough to take care of you. It's not right, but there's nothing you can do to change him. You just have to accept that this is who he is but it has nothing to do with who you are. You're a great son and it's his loss. It was much longer than that, but you get what I mean.
Good luck and remember it's not you, you are doing a great job with your son!
D.
K....I know how you are feeling. I, too, have gone through that. Up until my son was about 8 or 9, I made sure my son had communication with his father and his family. I also made sure that he seen his father EVERY weekend. At that time, my son's father was not paying child support nor medical insurance. Once my son reached 8 or 9, I told his father and his family this, "He is your son and your family, from now on, you all will need to contact him. I will no longer call you all and make sure that you know what's going on with him. I see him everyday, and if and when you want to see him, you will need to contact him. He knows how to answer the phone now." Well, now my son is 20 and has no relationship with his father nor his family. My son stopped seeing his father every weekend, the grandmother never called, the aunt never called, but the grandfather and his wife invited him over once a year on the 4th of July. Once, the grandmother saw my son, and walked past him and around him, before asking his father, "who's that?" I thought that was crazy, being that my son looks just like his father and grandmother. My son's father is now remarried, and she brought a son into the marriage, he does more for her son than he does his own son. So, as far as how to advise you? I just don't know what to say other than we chose these father's for our son's, but I do hope that your son will have a healthy relationship with his father when he gets older.
It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. If he really does want to see his son, he will make time for him no matter what is going on or how busy he is. He cannot expect you to change your plans all the time for him. It is also good that you let him know that you are willing to let him see your son. As you said, keep the door open but it has to come from the father. It is sad that you son doesn't get to be around him as much but it is not your responsibility to make his father be in the picture. If you are worried about male role models, try to let him spend time with an uncle or even another friend's husband until you find a real man to be a part of your family.
