Should I Be Mad at My Husband for This?

I would be shocked that my husband didn't forget that the sitter was on vacation on Tuesday and found someone to watch the kids.

I would be mad if he was expecting you to cover the day, but since he made arrangements I don't really see the big deal.

Well, I 'd be annoyed about the poor communication but not really mad since he did make arrangements for childcare. You are right, most of the time women do get stuck with most of the responsibility for kids.

Does it really matter that he asked his MIL to watch the kids?? She knows the adgenda. She know her comittment. If he couldn't take off work it figured it out to make sure the kids would be taken care of. I'd only be mad if he didn't take the day off and didn't find a care taker.

Actually I think if my hubby arranged childcare for the children in his stead I would have passed out from disbelief.
I can see why you are irked, you had it in your mind what was going to happen and he changed that. He took away what you already had under control. OK so what. He got mom to come in and help. You can apologize to her later by saying I wasn't going to ask you to come so often and then take her out for coffee.
As for him, well other husbands would have said Huh?!? I have to take tomorrow off?? I have a meeting at 9 and another at noon, I can't possibly take tomorrow off!!! And no you did not tell me 18 bazilion times. :o)

He took care of the day, it doesn't affect your work day, what are you upset about? If his mother didn't want to take on an extra day, she could have said so when he asked. She's fine, he's fine, you need to get over it and save your angst for another day when you're up a creek with no help. He's got it covered...move along!

Well, in our house, the rule is, if your spouse asks you to do something, it doesn't matter if you do it, or if you beg, borrow or steal to get someone else to do it - the point is, the spouse took care of it one way or another, as requested. As a "for instance," I asked my husband for help in cleaning the house. He found me a cleaning lady who came with high recommendations, and who does a great job. Problem solved! NO, he didn't scrub the toilets himself, but the point is, *I* don't have to do it, and that's what my goal was.

I get your point about moms always having to take sick time, etc to deal with "kid stuff." Even though I make more than twice what my husband does, I take a lot more time off to deal with the kids. It is what it is. In an ideal world, men would take an equal amount of time off, but for better or worse, men taking days off to deal with sick kids is less accepted in the workplace. You know what I mean - you've seen it too, right? It's not fair, I'm with you on that.

But in this case, if anyone is going to be mad, it should be your MIL. If she's not mad, then don't get all up in arms about it. That's my advice! :)

I think he a valid reason to make alternate arrangements for his assigned day to watch the children. He probably could have told you sooner that he changed the plans so you were in the know, but even so he took care of the day he was supposed to. I can't say I wouldn't have been slightly irritated initially, but the bottom line is that you're covered for the day you needed, which would have probably halted my negative feelings if I were in your position. I'd just let it go and thank him for taking initiative to make the other arrangement. It could be worse - he could have left you hanging with the problem on your shoulders. THEN I would have been mad :)

No...he didn't dump it on you. Don't be mad. We need to throw a little love our hubby's way ladies! We can be so mean!! Just talk with him about the lack of communication. Maybe he avoided talking to you about it bc he didn't want a fight.

I think you are wrong to be angry at him over the need for someone to take care of the kids tomorrow. I don't quite understand what it has to do with last week with your two day emergency though. You told him over a week ago to take the day off and reminded him EVERYDAY and he found a solution for the family. He probably is busy at work and didn't want to cause any trouble like he said. He probably also doesn't want to be nagged on a daily basis.

Grandma will be there for the kids, all is well. Don't look for trouble when it's not needed.

Is he your husband or your child? He handled it. He didn't drop it in your lap. He he just didn't handle it the way you expected him to. He made a management decision. The day is covered. Its HIS mom.

If you got angry at him because he did it his way, give him a hug and apologize. The bigger your anger, the bigger your apology. Have a little faith. His way wasn't your way, but that's ok.

ADDED: The best managers know the best way to get the best performance from their employees is to give them the goal and any basic guidelines and let them loose and then support them in their decisions. The best mangers don't micro manage. (Example: If I wanted someone to go to New York City and see the World Trade Center ground zero. I'd tell them how much money was in the budget and how much time to take and when to be back. I wouldn't give them an airline time table or a highway map.)

My favorite color is blue, but I'm not angry with anyone because blue isn't their favorite color.

Good luck to you and yours.

Dont be very very angry, that takes too much energy, and it seems like your already having stressful things going on, so dont do this to yourself.

I would be annoyed that my husband asked my MIL to do it without even talking to me first. But think of it like this, the childcare is covered, and you didnt want to ask your MIL, but he did so it wasnt you.

Tell him you need better communication, you need to know whats going on with your kids and he shouldnt make those decisions without you.

I think its fine to feel how you feel. But.....You sound like your treating him like a kid. Nagging and asking daily if he did it yet?? Where is the faith in your hubby to pull through? I think more or less you are feeling resentful that he doesn't take his vacation days or call out sick etc. when you do it all the time. That seems like the root of the problem. Tell him how you feel and ask him to split the sick days with you so that you don't feel like its always you. He did get it covered. It just wasn't the way you wanted. Hope this helps and that you get it all worked out! :)

M

Guess I am going to be in the minority here. Yes, I would be upset. Mainly because this sounds like an accumulative thing. You are expected to take time off and handle all of these things, and he gets to skip off if he doesn't feel like it. It really irritates me when my husband tells me he will do something and then doesn't, I think that is the big thing here.

It sounds to me like you didn't want to take advantage of his mom, that was nice of you. I am the same way, if my folks are watching my daughter for a couple days, I always hesitate to ask them to do more.

Last year I went on a cruise, my husband told me he would take off the two days I would be gone. We had planned this MONTHS in advance. Well, the month before I go he tells me that he decided that he wanted to put her in temporary daycare. So it was up to ME to find the daycare, get her paperwork in order. Then on those two days she was there, in the back of my mind I was worried about how she was doing in a strange place, with strangers. I was LIVID.

Sometimes it's not just about the kids being taken care of, sometimes is about your husband stepping up and being there for the kids.

My personal rule for myself is if he handled it, so be it! I mean I know you were trying to be considerate of your MIL, but that is his mom and he asked her, not your problem. You didn't have to call and the kids will be taken care of. You both work so I can see what a full plate you have. Men and women view childcare very differently. I think you could let it go since he didn't leave you hanging and just realize that his approach and yours are different. Good luck!

I would be upset...I asked HIM not HIS MOTHER to take care of HIS kids...

I understand his job is important - but really?! He already knew his mother was going to do it the rest of the week so he slacked...and in my opinion took advantage of his mother by asking her to do it "just one more day"....

Sorry - Charlie - wife is NOT over reacting...you dropped the ball....kids are YOUR responsibility too...

Sorry, but I think you are over reacting. He has the children being watched by their grandmother. It is taken care of.

If he feels this is the best choice for his work.. maybe you need to consider this as an option for yourself sometime..

Call his mother or your mom to fill in when you cannot leave work..

To be honest, there really are times, when my husband cannot take off from work. And sometimes it happens very last minute. He also is the main bread winner, with the best benefits for all of us. His performance at work is very important especially now that he is getting older. If he were to lose his job, we would be up a creek..

When I worked full time, I was on lots of deadlines, business trips I could not miss, so I automatically had back ups (about 6 different people) I could call upon to help last minute or for extended times..

Make a list and plans for these situations for yourself..

Also start planning some time when your husband can really take time off to be with the children when you are working. It will be fun for the kids to have their dad all to themselves when he is not stressed about missing work during a busy project.

Just take a breath and think about why exactly you are upset with him.. Because he did not do exactly what you wanted him to do. Because you feel like maybe he did not want to watch the children? Because you feel he does not think this was important? Because he did not tell you right away about MIL?

And think about how it makes you feel.
Then calmly tell him how you felt and why.
Then let it go.

Yes. I think you're wrong. He made the alternate arrangement. It doesn't affect your work schedule so I'd let it go.

It sounds like there are two separate issues going on here. One is that instead of taking the day off himself, your husband asked his mom to do it. There is no reason for you to be mad about that. He arranged for your child's care which allowed you to work. He handled the situation. So no, you shouldn't be mad at him for this particular situation.
What you are really made about is the fact that YOU are the one always taking off work. So now you have blown up over this one situation. You want him to take off work, darn it! In your mind, he weaseled his way out of it again. That is why you are mad.
You are going to have to discuss it with him, but also take steps to ensure he ends up being the one who handles things in emergencies. Stop making yourself so available. Instruct the daycare to call HIM first. If they call you, tell them you have a meeting and just can't pick up your child....husband will have to do it so call him. And if you end up on the phone with him - tell him sorry, you have some important obligation, so he will have to do it. Period.
Who does the drop offs and pick ups? That is the parent the daycare will call first....so if he isn't already, have him to the drop offs and pickups. I mean really, you are a part of the problem too...I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that's my opinion. You feel taken advantage of, but that can't happen without you letting it happen.
Also one last thing....who gets paid more and has more responsibilities at work? If it's him by a landslide, it may well be reasonable for you to be the one who does more of the emergency pick ups. In my situation, my hubby brings home 2/3 of our income and is a supervisor whereas I have, quite frankly, kind of a low key job. His job is more important to our household budget, period. So I feel it is fair for me to be the main one handling the daycare (and honestly that is how I prefer it! But that's just me.) Good luck!

I think the thing that would make me most angry is that he waited until the last minute to tell you that this was his plan. If he had told you from the very beginning that this is what he wanted to do, you could have discussed it and come to some sort of an agreement. It kind of sounds to me that he knew this would make you mad so that's why he didn't tell you until the night before when there was nothing you could do about it.

Re: all the onus being on you to take days off and handle emergencies, I don't know the nature of your jobs, but if you feel that your job isn't getting as much respect as his, you need to tell him so.

If he chose to make arrangements to have his mother watch them instead of himself, I don't think it's a big deal, as long as she is competent and you trust her. It's not like you asked him to take the day off to see the kids in school play or recital or big game - they just need to be taken care of. You just want him to do things and handle things the same way you would and then get mad that he doesn't - but that's not his fault. He's thinking like a man, which is, the kids are being taken care of, he handled it by talking to his mom, end of story. Not the whole emotional aspect of how you sacrifice more to be there yourself and will more easily give up a day of work to spend it with the kids. I don't think you are wrong for being angry, I can certainly understand being annoyed, but I don't think he was wrong either. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

He took care of the problem in a way he saw fit. He knew the kids needed to be watched, he has a busy workweek, he got his mom to do it. I would only be mad if he forgot and didn't make any arrangements at all. So while I understand you being upset in that you feel you have to shoulder the burden the majority of the time, he did take care of the situation and so I think you are overreacting a bit to be feeling as hurt and upset as you are.

Your husband is responsible for his own job performance. And he found someone to watch the kids. It would be great if he could take the day off on a Tuesday to spend with them, but it has to be his judgment about the situation at work. I've been in jobs where it really wasn't possible to be gone some days. If this is an always repeating pattern, I might be concerned, but if he spends time with his kids when he can, I would drop this.

I also agree with Amanda S. :-)

I wouldn't be mad about this for long.
Just my opinion.
You wanted your husband at home taking a day off work to be with the kids because you thought it only fair. However, he found a way for the kids to be taken care of without him having to take the day off.
He found a solution, the kids are taken care of and he probably honestly doesn't understand why you're upset about it.
If you were a single mom, all of this would fall on your shoulders and you'd have no one to be mad at.
My ex never scheduled or planned or covered child care a day in my son's life. I could have raised a stink about it. I could have gotten mad or thrown my hands up and said YOU handle it for a change. But, was having something to fight with him about the root of the issue or was my son being taken care of more important to me?
It was the latter.

Nothing is ever completely fair in marriage or raising children. It's never truly equal. It just isn't.
You are very proud of being a good employee and rarely taking unnecessary or last minute days off. Your husband seems to have a pretty strong work ethic as well. If there was no Plan B for watching the kids, I'm sure he would have done it, but in his mind, if there is a back-up plan, taking time off may have seemed "unnecessary" to him.
That doesn't have to mean that he thinks the kids are unnecessary or being a parent is unnecessary.
You have every right to your feelings, I'm just saying that I wouldn't harbor them for long.

Just my opinion.

I would be angry as well. You asked for HIM to watch the kids, not for him to find someone to watch them. And he should be responsible for taking more of the sick days or doctor days as well. My hubby gets those "clueless" moments sometimes as well and wont understand why I am irked, I just have to sit him down and explain it to him. half the time he gets it and works on it and the other half, well lets just say I am a self admitted "part time nag" when he just plain wont listen...lol

Feeling angry isn't a problem. But if I were in your shoes, this would not bother me at all. I probably wouldn't ask him to take off work unless I was in a bind and he was able to do it.

It's just one more day for MIL. She agreed to it. You wouldn't have asked her, but your DH already did, so now I would let it go. Do a little something extra for MIL to show your appreciation. I'd only be angry if he asked ME to cover the day, or just said, "sorry, I can't take it off" and left you to stress out and scramble for care. I think it would be fair if he agreed to handle the next last minute emergency child care needed circumstance since you just did this recently.

Nope, I'd be mad. You expected him to help and if his mom watching them was his plan, he owed it to you to tell you that ahead of time. I think a lot of it is mentality. It took me FLIPPING out on my hubby a few times before he started taking days also. He was home today, I'll be home tomorrow...even though I'm not happy about it. On the other side, he did arrange for care...but still. He should be doing it, and if he couldn't, he should have talked to you about it. I'd talk to him and let him know your frustrations. (Every mom on here is different, so just because not everyone agrees with you doesn't mean you were wrong, just different POV's.)

Men need to realize their level of domestic and child responsibility is just as much and important as the Mother's. Not only did he shirk his duties as a Father, he also disrespected you TWICE. Once in going over your request and your head and asking his Mom to watch HIS child, but he also treats your job as less important than his.

Yes, I'd be angry with him too!!!

I think you should have a discussion about alternating taking time off for the emergencies. This is assuming you both have similar PTO and work environments. If not adjust accordingly but I don't think it should all fall on one person.

You are right to be mad but in my experience, you better get used to it. In his eyes, he got "his shift" covered. They don't get that it not just having it covered but personally stepping up and taking responsibility.

I have this issue w/ my husband all the time (except I often have to figure the issue out myself because he will wait until the last minute and his plan will fall through for one reason or another).

I would talk to him (it won't help for long but it may help for a short period). See if he can take off on Thursday instead of you. Or decide now that the next emergency is his responsibility regardless of if it is a good time or not...it's never convenient but who said parenthood is convenient?

I agree with the poster that said he is responsible for his own job performance but the same is true for you. What happens when it isn't a good time for you and your job? What if MIL couldn't cover and you couldn't take off, would hubby step up? If not, you have a legitimate gripe. What I have found is that dads seem to be fine with moms working outside the home (equal partners and all) but still expect moms to be the primary caregivers (and we are better at that balancing act but it is frustrating) and caretaker of the home....not sure why they think it should be that way but they do.

Women= natural enablers.

Once we realize we need to step back and stop taking over, you won't have to wear all the hats.

That is of course AFTER we tell them in plain English, "I will no longer be the only one cooking...cleaning...taking days off...driver...etc."

Besides, shouldn't women sit in front of the TV and "relax" or work late without feeling guilty too? Just sayin...

your right....i get mad for the same reason all the time

Yep I would be IRKED.

SHOW your Husband, the responses you get to this.
Unless that would piss him off in a bad way.

It is HIS kids too.
He is responsible for parenting.
Um, he is a parent, too.
Duh.
And you did tell him ahead of time.

Then though, what is his office scene like?
Maybe it is very tenuous?

I can totally relate to how you feel but I'm learning to accept my husband is very different about work. He is programed that work is his biggest responsibility. I make way more money than my husband yet I have always been the one to take days off, go to the doctor etc. It's crazy. But I think if your husband really does have a lot going on at work, he doesn't see the issue with having his mother cover if she can. And like someone said, it's HIS mother and she knows he's the one asking, not you. There's such a different perception of men taking time off from work for their kids than women. I can't believe it but I abide by the double standard. I see fathers taking time off and think "what the heck?" Stupid I know but it's years of stereotyped role models. So likely your husband really feels that way too. I've found I'm most irritated when I don't feel like I have any control and my husband just goes about his work life while I work and mainly support us AND do everything for the kids. I feel much better when I see why he's doing what he's doing. ie: his boss really is a jerk and my husband doesn't have much choice. In this case, if your husband refused to take the day off and made you take another one while it really wouldn't have been a huge deal for him to take the day, then you should be pissed. In this case, I'd let it go. What is the goal? For your kids to be taken care of by someone else but you and you trust that person. That goal was accomplished. In the future, if you actually have to take a day off bc he won't, then it's an issue. Maybe sit down and set out a number of days he has to cover. It should be a realistic, fair discussion that should take into account whose job is more important and less flexible. Maybe it can't be 50/50 and maybe realistically it shouldn't be. I make way more than my husband yet somehow have much more flexibility than my husband. I would apologize to your husband if you yelled at him and say it stems from feeling like he never has to sacrifice and juggle while you do all the time so can you set out some parameters so you feel like it's not so lopsized?

I see where your anger is coming from, but men think differently than we do, in his eyes he "covered" the shift so no harm no foul...I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart about roles in the children's lives and how you feel.

I would be mad, not about how he arranged it, but that he hadn't mentioned it to me until I asked. I'm all about communication -- it's what went wrong in my first marriage -- so when I feel that we're not communicating well, I get upset. I think that he should have told you when he did it, or mentioned that he didn't think he could take off form work right now but that he would arrange for coverage.

Okay there are some days messed up here or I can't read. You are home on Thursday so your mother in law is not watching them the rest of the week. Or did you also bail on your prior arrangements and now you are mad because your husband did as well?

The thing is he wasn't irresponsible he got his mom to cover. You could have been mad if he left it to you to cover but he didn't.

Really to me it sounds like this is causing you a mess of stress and you are lashing out. Understandable but not fair to him. You are not being asked to cover any more than you already had to.

Well, I can see everyone's point of view but I think it's a little off balance in favor for your husband. I do see a communication error for sure but nothing major and hopefully this incident can be used as a marker to start working on that between you and your husband. Where I think most of the people who are responding back to you have missed the mark is that YES, this is something to be worried about. Not that you have to declare all out war for such an event but here's what my initial feelings were in regards to what your husband did. I felt like he "passed the buck" as they say. To me it shows that his work takes priority over family needs. Both parents are working here so both need to take time off work in regards to the kids needs. It seemed too easy for your husband to just call his Mom to take over and while that is a blessing to have this available I think that him not revealing that to you ahead of time shows that he had some guilty feelings while watching you take all that time off work. Why didn't he call his Mom to help you so you didn't have to miss all that work too? Was it only important for him not to miss work? I really don't want to sound like I'm bad mouthing your husband b/c I'm sure this incident doesn't define who he is entirely but I think the sooner you let him know your feelings the better. AND I don't think it's right for most people these days to play off that Men don't think when it comes to these things. If you think that most men would have a "huh, we don't have a babysitter?" mentality then why doesn't it also ring true with work issues? Do you think most men would say at work "huh, I have a meeting this morning?" NO, I don't think so...it's about your priorities.

I think you are overreacting.

Ugh!!!!!!!!

Get over it and let it go is being passive when something is heavy on your heart. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat in the making.

Case in point, my soon to be ex husband promised to take off the month our child was born and never did. And that set the precedent for fall out in the following months. Same situation, not attentive to needs, not attending doctor's appointments, putting work and outside interests first.

It is clearly a red flag and you should gently address the matter with your husband because it WILL happen again and you will let your resentment manifest into anger and it's all downhill from there.

Don't be passive. You have expectations just like he does.

I think he was wrong not to discuss it w/you. Sounds like he's trying to get out of it by getting someone else to do it...aka "pass the buck". Sounds like he's trying to skirt his responsibility. I'd sit down w/him & remind him that he's the father & has responsibility like you do. That you may not have as flexible a job as he does & he needs to do his part...not just bring home the bacon as they say. Let him know that you're really disappointed in how he handled things...especially not discussing it w/you first! That's the main thing...lack of communication on his part. Good luck!

First let me say it is always Mom who has to make the plans etc. Just the
way it is. Next, at least he got his Mom to sit so you were covered. It is more
than a lot of men would do. You said he was busy at work and he did not
want to cause trouble. Well in todays world, people are hesitant to take off
unless it is an absolutel emergency, for fear of losing their job. So just
let it go. Not worth getting upset over.