My daughter will turn 4 next month and lately has been challenging me on EVERYTHING!
I know, that's typical behavior to some degree, but I think this is beyond normal. I try to let her have control over things she can handle (just so she has a sense of controlling something in her life), but she tries to have control over everything.
Let me say, that I am not a push over and we have had a lot of head butting over the silliest things!
Quick example: When it's time to turn off the TV (we don't really watch a lot) and I turn it off before she does (I usually ask her to; when she doesn't react, I turn it off), she'll get upset, walk over to the TV, turn it on and off again. Talk about having the last word!
Another example: I see her doing the 'I gotta pee pee' wiggle and ask her, "Do you have to go potty?" She tells me she doesn't. About 2 minutes later, she'll either rush in the bathroom or (more likely) have an accident. I don't give her a lot of grief over the accidents, and she will clean the mess herself. I think she perceives when I ask her if she has to go as me telling her she must go. The way I ask is gentle; like a reminder.
I don't want to be the "Yes, dear" mom that let's her kids walk all over her, but I also don't want to be the "No to everything" mom that doesn't allow the kids to make any decisions for themselves.
What can I do to help her feel like she has a sense of control without giving her too much power?
It's a balancing act, to say the least.
It sounds like you're on the right track. I am reading Positive Parenting by Jane Nelsen, and it seems like she might have the answers you're looking for. She has several books on it. So far I really like her perspective. It can be hard to know what to do in situations like that!
Well, she does sound headstrong.
That can be guided in a positive way. Later.
If you see her doing the pee pee wiggle, don't ask her if she has to go. Tell her to go. Take her to the bathroom. No puddles to clean up.
If you want her to have a sense of control, give her choices of what shirt or which socks to wear.
When you've turned the TV off if she turns it back on again, that's 10 minutes less of TV time. It doesn't matter that she immediately turns it right back off, when you've turned the TV off, it's off, period.
Let her choose between grapes and oranges for fruit. Let her choose cereal or eggs for breakfast.
She doesn't need to have a sense of control over everything. Little kids actually do best in a world where things are controlled for them to an extent.
You don't have to be so soft, especially with a stong willed child.
You don't want to be on the verge of choking her when she's 15 wondering how you lost control.
There is a happy balance and I think you'll find it. Just remember that you are the mom.
Best wishes.
I agree with DM always give choices that give you want you want "Do you want to use the downstairs bathroom or the upstairs bathroom?" If I want them to put pajamas on " Wear the pink pajamas or the yellow?" Milk in the blue cup or the green? I even had two toothbrushes and I kept him so busy at that age making these little choices he rarely was a problem. The other thing that worked for us was using the timer. I set the timer in the kitchen for when the tv had to be turned off, I set the timer for getting in the bath tub and getting out of the bathtub. For some reason he didnt argue with the timer like he argued with me! Then as he got older we started using the clock 7 O'clock is bath time, 8:00 is bedtime. It's not mommy's fault it's not always mommy making the rules it is The Rule of the clock or the Timer.
Hello, some things that worked for me and I still do till this day; communicate, explain and follow through and be consistant. Example;
Sit down and tell her that from now on she needs to listen and do what is asked of her, if not then, (ex. tv) you can't watch your program tomorrow.
Say, "When mommy asks you to turn off the tv I'll give you a 5 minute warning, but then it's time, ok". And you let her know whether it's 5, 10 or 15. This way you let her know what's going to happen and then you make it happen. My son wants to go outside, okay...explain. Dinner is in and hour I'd like you to come in when I ask to wash your hands and get settled for dinner. 15 minutes before I yell out "15 minutes" and when I go back, time
to come in. He's in. Don't just pull them out of something, rather warn them and see if it works. My son is 11 and until this day I do that. Before bed I say, "Son you have 30 mins." When time is up I let him know it's time. That's why I say explain so they could understand, give consequences so they know what will happen if they don't listen. And the consequences need to be followed through and it may take a couple of times, but they'll get it. It's all in being consistant. As far as potty, just say, "Let's go potty so we can finish playing" or "so we can eat dinner", etc....If not, you're going to sound like a broken record repeating and repeating. And when she makes it to the potty and/or listens, "Tell her, thank for being such a good girl". Give her a hug and clap your hands.
Children need guidance, direction, but most of all praise. What do you have to lose. Try it and good luck........
My son does the same sort of things. Especially the turn it on and back off again thing. Yes, I give choices where I can but it's never enough for him.
I have tried all sorts of discipline and behavior reward systems and unfortunately did not find anything that stops the problem in the short term.
The problem is Sloooowly easing up as he approaches 5... just had to keep disciplining him and live through it. I am interested to see what answers you get.
I have found the solution here is to take back all control. I tell mine that I love to let them make their own choices but when I ask them to do something they need to do it and not wait for me to do it for them. If I have to make the choice for them they won't get to make any of their own choices. When they can do that for a bit I will let them start making their own choices again. Usually it doesn't take more then a day of me dictating their choices for them to get it figured out. As for turning the TV back on and then off, that is just plain disrespectful and I would let her know that it isn't ok. If she wants to turn it off she needs to get up and turn it off when you ask her to.
As for turning off the TV after you do I would say 'turn off the TV now' and if she didn't and turned it back on and off I would say no more TV for a week or whatever you decide for her. She needs to learn their are results to her actions and she is given a choice and has to pay the consequence. Then stick to it. Let her know you are in control even if she is given a 'chance' to turn it off it's not a 'choice' as you told her to do it. The choice should be things like blue shirt or yellow shirt. Too many options for kids confuse them and cause a real problem. As she responds correctly then give her more and more choices as she grows older and older.
There are ways to express your needs and requirements to your daughter that she will hear as respectful rather than controlling, even though you will still control the power. And there's a marvelous book that will give you a few critical tips on phrasing and timing that can make all the difference: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.
I've used these techniques with my 5.5yo grandson for the last 3 years, and we are a smoothly-functioning, mutually cooperative team. I am clearly in charge on my day-a-week with him, and he knows it, yet I find a million ways to say yes to his needs for choice and autonomy, and we almost never butt heads. I credit a great deal of this to polishing my granny chops with this amazing parenting resource.
Try it; you'll like it! In fact, you may wonder how you got this far without it.
You've probably tried this, but you can give her two choices (both that you are fine with her picking). That gives her a sense of control, but you ultimately give the choices. Do you want to turn off the TV now or in 2 minutes? Do you want to wear your red or pink dress? Balance that with making it clear there are certain things you will just tell her to do and she needs to listen (i.e. safety stuff) - get out of the street. Wear your helmet... Finally, with the bathroom, I would just stop reminding her. She'll go if she needs to. Good luck and welcome to the 4's. Sometimes it's like having a mini- teenager!!!
I know you'll get a lot more introspective responses than mine, full of sage tips...my first reaction is ....wow....she's one competitive spirit. Move over mom....I'm doing it when I want to do it.
There are books about spirited kids. I bet she'll be a natural athlete and the competitive aspect will put her ahead of many others.
Good luck L.....after too many of those one-uppers like the TV, and I had given proper warning I would probably blow and slap her hand. But I'm not saying that's the right thing here. Hope Grandma T answers this one for you.
