Potty Training Issues - Auburn,WA

Briefly, give her two choices that you can live with. I would suggest training paints or beautiful regular panties.

Or the choice of diapers or pull-ups.

Make it simple. Give her the choice beginning in the morning. Then give her the choice every time she makes a "mistake". Stay calm (very important)--if you must go outside and yell. Start this on a day that you can stay home for a couple of days to make it stick.

Good luck.

I suggest that you stop potty training until you get a handle on your frustration. Kids respond to the parent's emotions and not always in the way that we think that they should. Your daughter is at the age in which she is naturally learning how to be more independent. Potty training is the first big step towards independence. You want her to learn to use the potty because she wants to use the potty and not because you want her to do it. When the emphasis on doing what you want a power struggle is born. Although this does not feel like a good thing to you it is a normal reaction in people's struggle to learn independence and self-confidence.

A brief description of a power struggle. These happen between people of all ages; even adults. Person 1 wants person 2 to do something. Person 2 doesn't like being told what to do because they want to feel that they are in control of what they do. How many adults have you heard say, "You can't tell me what to do." So person 2 doesn't do what he's been asked to do. He may appear to be complying but doesn't. (appearing to comply while not is the result that parents see in the older child. They have learned how to avoid immediate discomfort.) Person 1 responds with, "you will do that now." This happens in the work place,too. Person 2 continues to resist. Person 1 continues to insist. Around and around they go with both people getting increasingly more frustrated while they both lose sight of the initial goal of accomplishing the goal. The focus is now on person 1 forcing person 2 into compliance and person 2 focusing on not complying. Compliance becomes the issue. Getting the job done is lost and never happens unless person 1 is larger or has more authority. Often the job doesn't get done in that case either. Person 1 punishes person 2 who becomes even more angry and stalks out or is fired by person 1.

Adults are big enough and have the power to force children to do most things with the exception of controlling their child's bodily functions. Adults cannot force a child to pee or to eat. When adults consistently try to force their child the child does develop negative behavior so that they can maintain control. This is sometimes the cause of eating disorders and elimination of bodily waste disorders. Some children withhold to the point that they are unable to defecate even when they want to because their stool is so hard and large it cannot come out.

This is why we give toddlers choices and allow natural, not adult enforced, choices. When you can relax and let her pee when she needs to pee she will stop holding it. You can set up natural consequences such as using panties so that when they become wet they are uncomfortable. However, for this to work you have to stay out of it. You have to allow her to feel the consequences and decide for herself she'd rather pee in the potty. Having her help you clean up messes is another natural consequence.

When you are able to step back, be emotionally uninvolved in her successes and failures you are allowing her to learn. Remaining emotionally uninvolved is difficult but well worth working towards. As children get older they become more difficult to control. It's important to learn now how to give them enough power that they don't have to fight you to feel powerful. This is what the term empowerment is all about. When you're able to teach rather than control you have power and primary control. When the child is feeling helpless and controlled they will sabotage your control. It is imperative that you have control over your child in the big picture. You can have this if you give them power where it's appropriate.

You want a child who is able to control themselves. The first obvious step is allowing them to control their own bodily functions. It's a big win for both you and them. You cannot control their bodily functions anyway. So why not allow them to do so which makes both of you winners.

The more choices you give her the quicker she will let down her guard and stop being so stubborn. Toddlers are programmed to begin the learning process towards independence. Your own goal is for her to become an adult able to care for herself. This is the beginning.

You are not responsible for making her learn. You are responsible for setting up situations that help her learn. Learning becomes a loving co-operative project.

So relax. Know that you are the parent and have the ultimate power but that you cannot successfully use that power to force a child to do something. You can use that power in a way that teaches the child how to make good decisions and eventually become a responsible child who is able to have self-control. You can both be winners.

There are important issues which change as the child gets older, over which you have to make decisions. At 3 your daughter cannot be allowed to cross the street alone. But you can teach her how to make the decision of when to cross the street by asking for her help in watching for cars and telling you when there are not cars approaching. This is an obvious and simple example. Others, such as when to pee is not so obvious. Your daughter can be killed crossing the street. The worse that happens when she wets her pants is that there is a mess to clean up. She can help you clean up that mess.

Raising children requires more patience than any of us probably imagined before we became parents. Learning patience is our lesson. Learning when to use the toilet is our child's job.

Hi J,
First I will make sure that there is no infection as an infection could be very paintful and prevent her to using the potty. If she is fine it seams like you are dealing with power strugles here, so just give her more power. Take her for a "potty shopping" where she can chose the potty she would like to use (or the sit), give her lots of choices like letting her chose what to wear underwear or pullups, let her chose which potty to use the big or the small, now or in 5 minutes and etc. Let her has more control over the situation and the things will start working out. Do not use force, the force will lead to other issues that, believe me, you don't want to deal with. If she chose to have an accident that should be fine with you, just make sure that she has to clean after her-self. Stay calm and give her choices (two at the time)! Good luck!

From what you have described, it sounds like there’s a pretty big power struggle around your daughter’s using the toilet. Before I offer any suggestions, let me suggest something that might be a relief to you: YOU are not responsible for your daughter’s progress in using the toilet. She is.

I personally understand how easily we can get caught in a power struggle around this issue. And I also found that, once I thought about what was happening and changed my responses to the children’s actions (this, over a career of 18+ years with very young children), we all did better and the toilet learning progressed as it should.

First off, accidents are often misinterpreted by us. We adults often put them in the same category as other things to be avoided at all costs. What we forget is that, for our children, accidents are the best learning tool going. Accidents, without a lot of adult fuss surrounding them, are a natural motivation for children to listen to—and heed—their body’s signals which cue them to use the bathroom. Accidents are the perfect “mistakes” because they teach our children without punishments (which can focus our child’s frustration on the adult and not on their own actions—or inaction, which is more to the point in this situation.). Wet clothes are an inconvenient and truly natural consequence of not heeding one’s body’s signals.

Unfortunately, what often happens is that, once our child begins “the potty dance”, we adults can’t seem to quell our sense of anxiety that an accident is imminent. Thus, the adult’s constant reminders and admonishments to the child to go use the bathroom ‘right now’ are more an indication of the parent’s frustrations and fear than the child’s own natural process, which might allow some accidents. It’s the perfect situation for a power struggle; it’s amazing. Our kids pull away, and we tighten our grip. The fact that you are forcibly holding your daughter on the potty suggests that this has become a traumatic event for both of you: you are feeling so compelled to prevent a possible accident that it goes a bit beyond reason for both of you. This also sends a signal to her that you do not, in fact, have confidence in her abilities to learn because you are forcibly taking over her own process. And the more you continue this pattern, the more she may feel that failure is expected of her; the more deeply she’s going to dig her heels in and be uncooperative; this can develop into more serious issues, so now’s the time to change how this interaction is happening.

The first thing I would suggest is trying to discover what it is about the possibility of her wetting that upsets you so. See if you can figure it out, and then think about how you can neutralize that anxiety when it comes up for you.

The next thing I would suggest is talking with your daughter about this when there is no conflict happening. “How do you feel when I make you go potty?” is one open-ended question that will invite her to be honest. You can be honest with her too. “I get really upset when I think you might have an accident because __________”—insert your reason here. Maybe you dislike cleaning up pee clothes, or don’t like to smell them, or whatever your reason is. Then I would suggest letting her know that you are going to let her learn this on her own. “I see that sometimes you really don’t want my help, so I’m going to let you get to the potty on your own. And you can always ask for my help when you want it.”

Then, it’s time to do just that. Better than rewards, keeping dry is an excellent motivation to continuing toilet learning. Remembering that this process isn’t just about using the toilet, but getting to the potty on one’s own in time, you can hand the development of this life-skill back to your daughter. It may take her a while to self-correct after this previous dynamic, and she will likely have some accidents, but it will be a relief to both of you not to get engaged in such a terrible battle with each other.

What you can do to support her is to let her learn how to change herself; I often had the children who wet their pants go into the bathroom to change clothes and clean themselves up if need be. I’d bring them a plastic bag to put their wet clothes in and just be available if they asked for help. If the child was capable of changing their clothes and was wetting for the attention of the accident and cleanup, I’d leave them in the bathroom for “just a few minutes” while I finished a short task, and only then would go back to help. For some children, knowing that I respected their process—and wouldn’t be assuming the responsibility for their staying dry—corrected this pattern.

Even now, kids who are plenty old enough like to wiggle and wait until the last minute because they are so afraid they’ll miss out on something. The wiggling becomes annoying, true, but I turn a blind eye, even when I see them peeking at me for a reaction. Because I know that if I open my mouth, they’re more likely to have an accident. When I refuse to make their self-care my own personal challenge, it put this squarely back in their laps and gives them the confidence that I trust them to handle this on their own, and that no matter what happens, we’ll be okay with each other. Even when they make a mistake.

I think you should take her to the doctor to rule out an infection.

I would not force her to use the potty, but I would put her in underwear. The first day my son was in undies, he had many accidence, but once he knew that I would not give in and return the pull-ups, he started using the potty.

I have a 6 yr old son who had some issues when he was potty training. Make sure that when they have to use the potty, you are telling them to go...not asking them. My son always said no when I had asked him. So, I made sure to lead him towards the bathroom and say "Go to the bathroom, hon." He was more inclined to go. Another thing is, if she's holding it in on purpose, find out if there is a reason for why she's doing it. If it's just because of defiance, then here's something you could try. When my son peed on purpose, I made him clean up his own mess. I gave him a bottle of vinegar and a rag. If it was an accident (he was trying to make it to the bathroom and just missed the mark) then I would help him clean the mess up. This way letting him know that everyone has accidents once in awhile and can get help when needed. It teaches the difference between accident and when you do something wrong. This way she learns to be responsible for her messes...believe me, after awhile, she'll get the idea. :D

J.,
I have a problwmwith my daughter and using the potty to, and also think its a power struggle. I personally dont have any advice, but the advice above is great. I will also try some of them. Just wanted to let you know, you arent alone!!
Good Luck!

Take away her pull-ups NOW. She knows exactly what she's doing, and yet you are right that she won't want pee in her pants.

This sounds really dumb and may or may not work for your daughter, but it works for my son.

First of all, when I see his doing the potty dance, I pretend I am listening hard. Then I say "I hear your pee... it wants to come out". Usually, my son will deny it and insist he doesn't need to go. Then I say "you better hurry, your pee is coming... it's going to come out in your pants if you don't hurry". He then runs to the potty.

Also, he very frequently "holds it" until he dampens his underwear. So, when he refuses to go, I tell him that he wet his underwear before, so now it is my turn to decide when he has to go.

My son is not controlling and is generally very compliant. This just adds a fun element to potting. So, it may or may not work for you.