How to Deal with "Illogical" Preschoolers :)

I would suggest not to give you child options. That what I learned. I've been a bit more firm with my 1 year old and it has helped out a bit. She's strong willed, and very persistent as well. Good luck I know how difficult it maybe.

I wouldn't try. Sometimes, they don't get a choice. My mother had 'the rules" and it has helped me too. If one of mine asked why, I said, 'that's the rules" you never have to tell them who makes the rules. I talk less when it matters, then they have less to tune out and more chance of hearing what I want them to.

If you need him to choose something warm, don't give him a choice. If he does not wear the car coat, fine, he has to bring it. He will put it on if he is cold, and if he chooses to be cold, it is not the end of the world. The only exception would be if he as a sensory issue with certain fabrics, and you might want to pay attention to that, since you mentioned the transistion issue, many kids who have one of those issues will have the other. In which case, find the kind of warm item that works for him, and don't worry about it being different that what you would choose. If he is comfortable, no biggie. A lot of kids with both sensory issues and transition issues don't feel the cold either. For my sensory kid, I make her bring a coat, and wearing is her option (unless frost bite is a concern...which happens only a few days a year.)

It is a pick your battles, but know your battles situation. When I "need" they don't choose...and if I decided they get to choose, I don't worry about thier choices too much.

M.

When my kids say, I don't want/need, etc... I squat down look them in the eyes & I say, "think very carefully about how you are behaving right now. if you want mommy to cooperate with you, like getting you snacks, or turning on a movie, or helping you find your special toy, then mommy expects you to cooperate too. Now, lets try this again, I need you to ____________, do you want to cooperate and do so or not? I have yet to have them fight after that, they also become very cooperative. Hope it helps you too!

I would like to clarify that i use this mainly as a last resort when I simply don't have time for choices, etc. & I truly need them to cooperate. Like going to a wedding & they need to wear something specific. You know there isn't going to be a quick or easy place to pee. etc....

Your 4-year old doesn't care that you have to go to the store! He doesn't care about the cold. At his age his world is very small. So try to work within his world.

Try the 5 minute warning to help with transitions. Give him 5 more minutes of playtime and you can even set a timer. When the timer goes off he can go potty. My SD had trouble with transitions at age 6 and this worked for us. She hated to stop what she was doing and do something not nearly as fun! The timer gave her time to finish off instead of being interrupted. Even if it's just play, no kid likes to be pulled away at a moment's notice and young kids have no conception of time.

You can even set the timer for going potty. If he beats the timer then he gets a treat! The treat can be a hug or a big kiss. My SD liked to be swung around so we'd say "go potty in 3 minutes and daddy will swing you around!" Worked every time, the "treat" does not have to be a material thing.

It also helps to let your kid know what they are getting out of the deal. I still say "let's get ready to go grocery shopping, and if you're a good helper then you can get something out of the gumball machine."

Hope those help some!

My 4 year old resisted going potty before we left the house too. UNTIL I picked a place she WANTED to go very badly. I told her she had to pee before we left and she refused. So, off went my coat and we stayed home. She was kinda stunned. (Of course, I chose a place that we didn't HAVE to go to) It took a few times of following through on my threat of 'if you don't pee, we don't go' and now she's the first one in the bathroom when it's time to go.

Four is a great age for you to read "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". It's a great book with lots of useful tips (even when I didn't think they'd work - they did!) It's easy to read with cartoons and a chapter summary page. Your library should have it.

One thing I do with my stubborn son is to talk through what's going to happen. We're going to go to the store and you'll need to go potty. Often times a dry run through helps lots. (one thing to do with potty time is to check for "sneaky pee". Is any hiding that you didn't know about?)

Another thing I do is pause. My son pretty much always replies with "no" at first. So I just wait. He thinks about it and then re-answers.

Sometimes I'll say something like "we need to go to the store. What do you need to finish before we go?" Often when he sets the conditions then he follows through.

His kindgergarten teacher had a great method. She would say "we're going to go to get in the car." "What are we going to do?" (get in the car) "Are we going to sit on the couch?" (NO!! "Are we going to stand in the yard?" (NO!) Are we going to get in the car? (yes!). She says it invitingly and helps to say along with the responses so they're fun too.

Good luck! It's hard when they're so headstrong. I also did like the other posters and just carried along the coat or whatever unless it was a major risk.

I really agree with giving choices, be careful of your tone of voice, it is an order not a question. Go to the upstairs potty or the downstairs potty. PUT on a coat this one or this one? (you can teach please at the table and other opportunites-this is not a request! My youngest did very well with a timer, have you tried that. Like its not Mom making the rules when to leave, when to bathe etc it;s the kitchen timer! and sometimes the clock. 7:00 IS bath time 8:00 IS bed time. they argue less with kitchen timers and clocks!
You're on your way cuz you realize there is no logic he'll never try to avoid catching a cold or being late for school Good luck

Your son is 3. He doesn't need to be in control.
"Would you like this shirt or that shirt?" Fine.
When my kids said they didn't want to do something, like go pee before leaving or wear a certain coat, I just said, "I didn't say you have to want to or even like it, I just said you're going to do it. Pee and put your coat on. Now!"
My kids knew I didn't mess around. They could say they didn't like picking up their toys or wearning the itchy sweater Grandma made to get their picture taken, but dang it, they were going to do it anyway.
Sometimes things run much more smoothely if you're just short, concise, to the point....this is how it is and this is how it's going to be and this is how it's going down.

Just don't let him wear you down. It's the oldest trick in the little kid book.

Best wishes!

.

There is a book called "Your 4 Year Old" which you can get/read about on Amazon.
It is a book series for each age juncture, and what they are like.
Even though it is written years ago, it is still very informative and pertinent.
It is an easy quick read... and to me, helpful.

4 years old is like this.
They don't yet have fully developed communication skills, impulse-control, ability to do what is in their heads, nor full cognizance of their emotions. All of which is still developing... and forming.
So you teach them... "coping-skills" and how to communicate, know their feelings, how to say it nicely, and that they CAN tell you things...

And yes, you have rules. What is appropriate or not. Consistency etc.
And yes, transitions are not easy for some kids. So you simply give them a head's-up about what is coming up... not rushing them all of a sudden, pronto. Since the child does not do well being 'rushed' etc.

If he does not want to wear the coat. Then fine. He doesn't. He goes out anyway. THEN... if he gets cold... then he does. And then he will learn... that using his coat is a good thing.
(but you can have it in the car for him... just in case). Thus, they learn by hindsight... too. And cause and effect.
OR... you ask him, 'why' he does not like wearing his coat... maybe it is scratchy or not comfortable???? Or he does not like the tag on it....

A child, will not KNOW everything, and even if they do, it does not mean that they will do it. At this age.
So... you let them learn first hand.... and you have a back-up plan... that is what I have done with my kids. As long as I know, it is not dangerous or harmful to them... then fine, they go out cold with no jacket. THEN they always..... do get cold. Then ask me for their jacket. Then voila! your point to them... is understood. BECAUSE... it is then a "tangible" and EMPIRICAL... experience for them. Not just cerebral...
That is how kids, also learn. Not just via lectures....

all the best,
Susan

He doesn't need to understand why. He just needs to obey you. When he resists, direct him to what you told him to do in the first place.
Example:
I need you to go potty so we can go to the store (battle ensues "I don't have to/want to/need to, etc)
You: Do it anyway because I have told you to. End of discussion.
Do not try to reason with a 3 year old. He is in the stage of life where he just needs to obey because you have given him a directive. If he continues to disobey, then he needs swift (and calm, controlled, loving) discipline. He'll catch on quickly enough.