Serious Jealousy Issues Between Toddler and Infant

Sometimes, I think it is hard for 3 year olds to understand that these babies are kids. Maybe try giving him some responsibilities. For example, when it is playtime for the baby, let the 3 year old pick out which toys she will get to play with. Or, when it is her snack time, let him pick between two different snacks for her to eat and let him put it on her tray. Letting him make some of the decisions for her, may help him realize that she is a little person, not just an annoyance. I hope that helps.

I don't have experinece with this but wanted to send out a huge supportive vibe to you. This sounds so hard. The fact he actually tries to hurt your daughter sounds like he needs a little intervention. A child therapist can help as he gets to talk about anything he wants to talk about, play games that he wants to play with the therapist and the therapist will be able to tell you if he needs other services as well and be able to suggest how to get someone in to observe. Can you video tape an interaction? Put the camera on a shelf and just interact with him and the baby and maybe walk away for asecond to see what he will do? The tape you can then show the therapist and they can determine the severity of the issue and determine a way to tackle this problem. I would love to say it's a phase but it's the hurting of his sister that makes me pause. You sound like a loving momma and want to help your son and protect hi as well. Best of luck to you.

So let's play pretend.

You're in love with your husband. You go on dates. He showers you with affection. You know that sometimes he has to work, but you have stuff of your own to do so you have some balance. You feel loved. You feel secure with how your husband feels.

BAM.

One day your husband comes home and just ANNOUNCES that he loves someone else TOO. He's very excited. He can't wait for you to meet her. he tells you that he wants YOU to love her too. THEN he moves her INTO THE HOUSE. Every day you get to see your husband tell her he loves her. You get to see him smile at her and tell her her hair is pretty and she looks cute in her outfit and she is soooooo smart. Oh, you are smart too. But you also get to listen to him tell you that you aren't nice enough to the new girl. Suddenly the attention turns. You aren't doing enough. he spends alot of time telling you how he wishes you would behave differently. You don't even really like this girl, and yet you feel like he prefers her to you. she can't even TALK and he loves her best. She can't even PEE IN THE POTTY and he loves her best. Oh sure, every now and then he eats dinner just with you - but it's when she's ASLEEP. he wants you to play with her and be nice and she's not even nice to you. So one day (because you can't really express yourself yet) you hit her. She got too close to you when you wanted her to go away!!!!! You want her to go away so you can have your husband back the way you used to have when you knew how much he loved her and you didn't feel like he loved her more. What happens? Instead of your husband taking you in his arms and telling you how much he truly loves you and that he understands how you feel and that it's OK but there is enough love - HE HITS YOU and says you are not acting the way he wants. He doesn't understand. So you just start hitting her whenever she's near enough. If HE won't understand at least maybe you can make this other girl go away.
All he can say is "she also needs to accept the fact that husband has TWO wives. I need to spend time with BOTH of them. Why can't she accept this, even just a little bit??"
-----------------------------
You think it 's hard for you? It's 100 times harder for your son. So get some perspective and stop punishing him. discipline him by teaching him the behavior you want to see, stop being emotional about whether or not he loves her and get him on your TEAM. You can't control how he feels. he may not love her, but he needs to treat her respectfully. But you have to HELP him cope with this HUGE change in his world that he didn't ask for. You do that by accepting him and loving him for WHO HE IS, regardless of if that's what the other mom's have at the park. he can sense that you want him to be different and he knows it because of her. That doesn't set the stage for him to even begin to accept her, let alone love her.

Good luck.

Well, my thoughts are that he isn't worried about things like toys, other people's attention, or anything BUT the loss of you! Imagine if your husband wanted to bring home a woman who was younger, cuter, and got everyone's attention. You'd still be around and still be loved, but were told you "had to understand that he was with BOTH of you", and punished if you didn't behave?

He's only three and can't be told not to feel jealous, spanking or any "consequences" really won't help--in fact they may be like throwing gasoline on the fire if the fire is that he is feeling like you maybe don't love him as much. It's NOT your fault! I want you to say that ten thousand times a day. In the mirror. And THEN tell yourself that he is just a precious little boy who once was the center of your universe and now feels shoved to the side.

The first thing I would do is, when baby sis is asleep, have very special play times with him. Just Mommy and him. Do things he really likes--read a story, take him outside (baby can be on a blanket asleep, in a stroller, or in a nearby bedroom with an open window so you can hear if she wakes up), make something--cookies or something like that that baby sis is too young for so it's ONLY for him! Tell him how much you love him and let him know you understand it's hard. Let him know that you will ALWAYS love him just as much. Do a little ritual with the baby and him and your husband when he's there to expand the circle of your family--HE moves out of the center, where HE was the baby, and moves INTO the circle surrounding the baby with Mommy and Daddy...much more grownup and a necessary helper.

When he is around her, do not tolerate any violent or hurtful behavior--of any kind, to anyone. Make sure he knows this goes for everyone, not just his sister. And of course, while this is going on, you never can leave her alone with him. Get some books about being jealous and wanting to be the only child again. And some about how important big brothers really are. There are some cute ones.

Good luck, Lynsey. This too shall pass.

Get Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a great section about siblings. The book is invaluable.

Does your son have a pet?
... just stretching here.. but maybe... if he had a pet.... that would be HIS... and maybe it might help.
Afterall, they use dogs for all kinds of 'therapy' and comforting... in many venues.

I really feel for you... you truly seem to be trying everything.

A child therapist.. might help.

all the best,
Susan

I dealt with some sibling issues but not to the extent you are describing. Mine are two years apart in age. A book I found helpful is Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Too.

If you ever catch him doing something nice in regards to the baby, even if it is just to hand you something you asked for, make sure you praise the heck out of him.

I had some behavioural/anger problems with my youngest son. I see that you are in Fairfield.
After speaking to our pediatrician, I took him to a child psychologist. I HIGHLY recommend her. she was great with him and he made remendous growths in his behavior!!! Her name is Dr. Kim Massey and she is in Milford.
Good luck!!!

Updated

I had some behavioural/anger problems with my youngest son. I see that you are in Fairfield.
After speaking to our pediatrician, I took him to a child psychologist. I HIGHLY recommend her. she was great with him and he made remendous growths in his behavior!!! Her name is Dr. Kim Massey and she is in Milford.
Good luck!!!

Can you get a babysitter, exchange babysitting with other mothers? Let someone babysit the baby -just for 1 hour so you can spend time alone with your 3 yr old. Read books to him about children feeling confused and jealous about new sibling ...