10 Yr. Old Daughter Shows Jealously

What do you mean she is "not willing" to see a therapist? Since when is any 10 year old in completely in charge of her own health care?

:(

At 10, you ought to be able to sit her down and get her involved in the solution:

"We have a problem. I've been getting these reports of you saying "_______" and "__________" to [LITTLE SISTER] at dad's house, and that makes her feel terrible. How do you you think we should solve this?"

This behavior is a little "young" for 10. I don't mean this judgmentally; my almost-8-year-old plays in a way that's young for his age too. It happens. But she may need a gentle push into the realm of taking responsibility for her own behavior. Asking her to design the solution is a good way to get that started.

Her world has been turned upside down and she is trying to deal with being called an "only" when in reality she is not an "only".

She is dealing with the reality that her parents will never, ever be back together. That is every child of divorce's dream and when a parent remarries.. it hurts that child.

Just because she is your "only" does not mean she should rule your house. She is 10yrs old... she does not get to dictate what she will or will not do. It is your job as the parent to BE the parent and not try to dance around her on eggshells so you don't make her mad.

I believe you seek counseling for BOTH of you so that you learn your roles and dynamics of the household. She is 10... before you know it she will be in the midst of the teen years which can be w very long hard ride for some parents. You need good communication and parenting NOW.

For the record, I have a single child and it really sucks when she is prejudged when people say she is an "only". There are just as many bratty kids with siblings as there are who have none. It is all in how they are parented.

a 10 year old is displaying immature traits!!??
the horror!
but what mother 'tries' to love their own child when that child is struggling and needs guidance?
most kids DON'T need therapy to learn to deal with jealousy (and an only child being jealous of an occasional sibling is very, very normal.) they simply need rules of behavior that are consistently enforced, calm repercussions when they act out, and a constant source of love regardless.
if indeed this child is so damaged that she needs therapy to cope, you take her. a 10 year old does not yet have the scope of experience and wisdom to make that call on her own.
i hope someone in her life does.
khairete
S.

Of course you love your daughter when she is jealous of someone else. That said, she doesn't need to be jealous and must learn not to be jealous. Period. End of report.

If it were your husband instead of your daughter who was not willing to see a therapist, I'd suggest you go to a therapist on your own. And maybe that's what you should do. But it might be better to tell your daughter, "We're going together, you and I, as a family. You don't decide. It has already been decided."

I have a single child, and I actually never used the word "only" because people make judgments about whether a child is terrible at sharing, is jealous, etc. It's not necessarily the result of not having siblings. It could also be that your child has a little trouble with transitions, so when she goes from your house to Dad's house to Grandma's house, she struggles a little to "find her place." It helps if you can show her the joy in these other situations - the fun of having a loving dog, the joy in pleasing someone else (petting the dog, playing with a younger child and being the role model, etc.). Remember that kids with siblings in the same house often regress when the new baby comes along, so the jealousy thing is a normal phase for most kids.

You can ignore her when she's jealous and praise her when she is giving, the old "catch her being good" philosophy. If she learns that she gets more attention and more praise when she is doing those positive things, vs. getting negative attention when she is jealous, she can shift her behavior.

I also don't know why you say she is "not willing" to see a therapist. She doesn't get a choice in these matters. If this child is used to being "in charge" in a number of situations, those are the habits that need to be broken.

Start by stop calling her an only child, she isn't, she has a younger sib.

One of my coworker's grandchildren have this dynamic and her oldest is a hot mess! Mom kept on, you are an only...then after it was pointed out by everyone this is hurting him she went to you are my only! All of mom's issue forced on that child when he is too young to understand mom has issues. Mom chose to have an only, dad chose to have more, mom needs to get over it.

Watching this for about six years now I can tell you it is no less confusing to say you are 'my' only instead of you are an only. It makes the poor kid think what makes them special is being an only child and they want that everywhere, they demand it.

So knock it off, your child is not an only child, they have a sibling.

By the way my coworker's grandson is the same age as your daughter and acts the same. Mom refuses to change.

Whether she WANTS TO or IS WILLING to see a therapist is irrelevant.
It's not up to her - you are giving her too much power - it's not her decision.
You need to be the parent and do what's good for her whether she likes it or not - being a parent is not a popularity contest.
She needs to learn how to cope with her feelings and jealousy stems more often from feelings of insecurity.
Sibling rivalry is one thing but she's jealous of a dog so I think her jealousy is a bit extreme and needs help with it.
She's still loved even if others are receiving attention.
A therapist will help her so to a therapist she must go.

I don't think your daughter needs a therapist, I think she needs parenting. It's time to lay down the law and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. Seriously, she gets jealous of a DOG?

Sounds like she needs some structure and discipline in her life. I would begin by giving her some chores to do during the day and find things for her to do that play to her strengths. If she is this upset over everyday things, maybe her self-esteem could use a boost, so find things that can give her some success in her life.

Good luck. At 10 years old, I think you have allowed this to go on much too long. It will only get worse as she gets older...

She is not an only child and even if she was it doesn't serve her well for you to keep acting like that's a huge factor in her behavior.

I think you should both see a counselor. She needs to work on her jealous behavior and feelings about the challenges in her life. You need to work on your parenting skills. Do it now, it will only get harder as she grows.

Sounds to me like she's insecure. Dad remarried and has replaced you as his wife with a different one, then he had a child with that wife - is that a replacement child too? As an only child she struggles with sharing the attention of those she loves - sounds pretty normal. The abnormal part - if you want to call it that - is that she's displaying it for others to see. But - she has only been on the planet for 10 years. Every person matures in different parts of their life in different way. some mature physically, then mentally, then emotionally, other are very emotionally mature y oung but are still physically uncoordinated, etc. You get the point.

I think she needs to know, mostly from you - that you lover her dearly, that you will never not love her and no matter what, you will always love her, and have your arms open wide to enfold her in. I told my daughter, during a very difficult time in her life, that I will outlast her - and there's never anything she could do to make me not love her. (I did add that I may not always be happy with the choices she makes but I'd always love her.) And then I had to remind her of these things many, many times.

I think if she begins to feel a deep sense of security with those who love her that the part of her emotions that feels insecure will begin to calm down.

If you don't nip this jealousy in the bud, it will only get worse.
I know from personal experience.
Teach her how to share.
Keep at it.
Be loving but insist.
Take her for a special day once in awhile. Keep doing that but only if she
appreciates it.
She won't go to counseling? You are the parent. Take her. Sounds like
she could benefit from it.
Tell her under no uncertain terms she is loved but you will no longer tolerate her outbursts.
The world is full of places where you have to share, learn to get along with others & concede to others (for ex, in the workplace, letting someone
having a parking place, school etc.).
You can teach her to share & be kind while showing love but again she
needs to know her selfish, snotty attitude won't be tolerated. If you don't
do anything about it now, it only gets worse.
Set limits & boundaries, show by example, be loving & kind in your teaching. If you keep at this, she should get it.

I think you need to go to counseling. Start as a family and then work to her going on her own. You said she's not willing to go she's 10 and you are her mother. You can take her. It may take a bit for her to open up but you can't let her be in control of this. I am not trying to be harsh. I have a head strong 12 year old but if it's something that I feel needs to happen I make him do it.

Family counseling, you and her both, no choice for your daughter to attend or not. Just make the appointment and go.

Who knows why she has this issues or what you should do? We are just a bunch of people on the internet with very little backstory to her 10 years on this planet. A therapist talking to her and you for a couple hours a week might have a chance and figuring out whats really bothering her.

And personally I think any child who has dealt with divorce or death could use a bit of talk therapy to work out their emotions.

You get to be the grown up who has systematically spoiled this child...by letting her choose whether she goes to a doc or not? Seriously? She's the person in charge not the parent.

So, I suggest you find a family therapist who works well with kids/families. I'd pick one that uses Love and Logic Parenting classes with his parents. You need to learn some basic parenting classes about natural consequences. We take refresher courses every couple of years just to stay focused on the way it all works together.

Make an appointment and go in. Talk to them about the issues you're having at home and lay it all out. Let them know your daughter doesn't want to come and everything. YOU might need a couple of appointments just by yourself to set the scene for the appointment when you bring your daughter.

When it's time to bring her for the first time you simply tell her it's time to go run errands. Then as you go about your day you stop in the doc's office. She goes in with "you" to your appointment. Then the doc can introduce himself/herself and visit with her some.

She does NOT get to choose or not go when YOU decide it's a needed thing. She's a child not your buddy or your friend. She needs boundaries and she needs a mother/father who will stand up to her and say stop when she's out of line. Maybe someone is finally doing that at dad's house or grandma's house and she's hearing it for the first time.

I don't know but it really seems like she is getting away with a lot.

Regarding the dog: Does she have any responsibilities for caring for the dog? Or do you do all the dog-related care and chores, and both you and she (and the dog) consider the dog YOUR dog and not your family dog? Yes, the two of you are a family, and the dog needs to be the family dog. Give your daughter a lot more responsibility for the dog, including fun responsibility -- ensure that all three of you play with the dog; and at 10, she is old enough to take the dog for some training lessons. There are some lessons where kids, without adults, bring the dog so that both kid and dog get trained together. If you find a fun, engaging trainer, and help your daughter bond with the dog more, you might get her to feel it's "her" dog too and she will be less likely to feel jealous. I can't see why she's so jealous over a dog, too, unless you tend to baby the dog, call it your "child" as some owners do, coo over it....If you gush over the dog like it's a baby, please listen to how you talk to it and stop doing that.

The human side is of course tougher! If she is still having "outbursts" -- what does that mean? If she says things that are out of line, she must be made to apologize, immediately, and if she refuses or even balks, there must be a consequence -- she needs to lose something she values BUT she also needs to know in advance what the loss will be. "Last time we were at grandma's and Suzy was there, you took away her (whatever) and yelled at her. Suzy will be there today, and you need to know now, before we get there, that if you take anything from her, raise your voice, or say anything unacceptable, you will lose all your TV and computer time for today, AND tomorrow." Have her repeat the consequence back to you! And then follow through -- take the beloved thing away if she does what you prohibited. Be clear with her what she cannot do and be clear what happens when she does it anyway. Same applies at her dad's house and at grandma's -- all the adults in her life need to discuss this and follow through so she doesn't learn she gets to be rude at dad's but not at grandma's.....

Some of this she will just outgrow. Truly.

Please don't fret that this is some evil visited only on parents of "only" children. I see families where there is a ton of jealousy among siblings.

Your daughter does not live with her half-sister, so the time spent there is probably just too much togetherness for your kid. I'd wager that to a four-year-old sibling, your daughter is just soooo interesting and cool, and the younger sibling won't leave your kid alone, or alternatively, loves to be all up in your daughter's business getting her goat (and therefore getting her attention). Do your .ex and his partner ensure that your daughter regularly, consistently gets some alone time with dad while at their house? That gives both siblings a break from each other. You can't control how the other couple deals with the kids, but if you and your ex can talk through these things -- all the better.

If she is really off the rails, and needs a therapist (which does not sound like the case just based on the post), then she does not get a say in it, frankly. Her being "not willing" to go is irrelevant. You get her there and a good, experienced therapist will get through to her.

This is not because she is an only child.
I have lots of friends that are only children, and they were never this way.

Your daughter needs professional help, if you don't know how to help her.

All I know is, I have known many "jealous" or resentful types of people, and the one thing they all seem to have, is they are insecure and have NO idea of who they are. They have no sense of self and they always look for external satisfaction. ie: nice clothes, jewelry, money, external symbols of themselves. But they have no internal sense of self.
They are insecure. Or they see others as a threat to them or they need to control everyone. But can't. So they get jealous.

Jealousy can be a very very toxic and dysfunctional problem, ongoing throughout life, IF the person does not change or get professional help.

This is not exactly normal.
She even gets jealous, of a dog.
Why don't you get her professional help by now?

I have a sibling, that since I was born... has been jealous of me.
Why? I don't know.
But ALL THROUGHOUT my life, she has caused, VERY bad problems for me, because she is CONSTANTLY jealous of me. In fact, she is more successful than me and dare I say smarter academically and because she is so successful career wise she is also wealthy. But, she is always... jealous of me. She even TOLD me she was jealous of me. I asked her why, and she said its because everyone seems to like me better. Well, that's not my fault. At all. She just is always jealous of me. She even told me she HATES, me.
But I know how toxic and dysfunctional she is. So, I just stay away. As much as I can. And with other people or relationships, if she cannot have TOTAL control over a person, she gets jealous or hates them.
You need to know... that jealousy and hate... can just fed each other constantly.
And a jealous person, typically causes a LOT of problems and drama, for others. And if she cannot control her jealousy, she will not have successful friendships or relationships.

Your daughter has deep problems.
It is not normal.
You are her parent.