Dear A. G.
I feel your pain believe me...I too was just like you when I decided to enroll her at a private pre-school. At that time, she was older than your child....she was 2 years old. But, regardless...the separation was very traumatic.
In addition to that, I am a teacher and two years after my daughter was attending this private school (pre-K thru 3rd grade), I was hired as a teacher for the 3-4 year old students enrolled there. Every single "new year", I and my teacher's aide had a child on both hips practically the whole day because of the separation anxiety that the children were dealing with by their parents leaving them essentially with someone who was a stranger to them....me ! So, not only did I go through it personally from a mother's perspective, but I also dealt with it on the caregiver/teacher side as well. In fact, let me point out that when my husband and I enrolled our daughter there, we knew most of the teachers as well as the director and owner of the private school quite well, but of course our daughter didn't. They were strangers to her.
She is our only child, but she is also a fertility baby and a miracle that she made it through birth because of the difficulties that I had during pregnancy, but she was born with absolutely nothing wrong....a completely healthy child.
From the parent side of me, even though my training and education taught me differently, this was still my miracle baby who had never left my side from the moment she was born until then. It was very painful for me, but she did quite well. In fact, believe it or not, I remained at the school during her first 2 weeks in her classroom and slowly but surely would leave each and every day sooner and sooner until I completely left her and only came to pick her up when school was over. Don't misunderstand the reason for my staying instead of dropping her off and leaving.....she was not the one having the problem....it was me....Mommy just couldn't deal with leaving her in someone's hands for several hours each day. I worried about her getting hungry or thirsty and maybe it wasn't time for "snack time", I worried about other children bullying her and I wouldn't be there to protect her.....I could go on and on and on about the trivial things that worried me, but I think you get the picture. I was a complete basket case and yet all the while she was content and happy !!! She adjusted quite well, but there were some times that she would cry and not want to stay and that was just heart-wrenching to see and hear, but I knew that it was best for her.
The social skills that a young child learns in an atmosphere of a school, daycare, or babysitters home is so very important to their overall well-being. They learn so much more in such a setting as a group than we as parents could possibly teach them. They learn how to share, how to interact with other children, they understand their boundaries much better when they are in a group outside your home and that is extremely crucial to their thinking and problem-solving skills. They also learn that they can be independent from mommy and daddy, that they can experience and develop their own personalities with engaging in play with other children who are different in many ways than they are. It teaches them responsibility and how important it is to respect others, both peers and adults. Unless they are placed in a setting outside the comforts of your own home, those skills will eventually be taught in a public school or private, but it will be much harder on them unless you give them the opportunity to experience it now and begin to learn it now.
Children and not only resilient and can adapt to different situations far better than adults can, but they also crave and need friendships of children their own age. I realize that your son is only 10 1/2 months old, but many times babies or very young children are not given enough credit for their uncanny ability to adapt in most surroundings they are placed in as long as it is a safe and secure environment. Prior to my daughter going to private pre-school at 2 years old, I joined a "play group" with moms who had children her age, some maybe 1-2 years older, but mostly her age. We also went to the YMCA and joined the "Mommy and Me" program there where she was able to interact with other children her own age.
There are so many things that you, as his mom, can teach him and those are all necessary for his well-being, but to be exposed to others outside of you is also just as important and I would highly recommend that you go ahead as long as you have done your homework and researched the person that you are leaving him with and someone that you trust.
Will he cry???? Most definitely. Will that break your heart and make you want to run back and get him to make him feel all better???? Absolutely. But, what you have to understand is this....he will adjust, he will stop crying, and he will learn that mommy "leaves", but mommy "comes back". That is a very important lesson that he needs to know. That is how they learn "trust". They don't recognize it of course, but that is exactly what it is.....a pattern, a routine....he will see that you drop him off and you return.
I know it's heartbreaking to hear or see your child crying his eyes out, screaming for you and the last thing that you want to do is walk away and the worst for you is that you feel guilty. I have been there. I also have had the "pleasure" of being on both sides. The mother who drops off the child and walks away wondering and worried that a million things will go wrong, but I also have been on the receiving end of that child being dropped off. I can not count on my fingers and toes the number of children who I have held in my arms and on my hips to calm them down from mommy or daddy leaving them. Some have even cried the entire time no matter what I did for them, but eventually and more quickly that parents realize is that you are doing what is best for your son and it is you who will suffer far more than he will. Those tears will stop...they do not last long...trust me. As a teacher of pre-schoolers, I know this to be a fact. I have a degree in Early Childhood Development and Pediatric Psychology, as well as being a certified teacher.
One of the things that I did for my parents of the children who came to my classroom was this.....I brought my video camera to school, set it up in a strategic position and filmed our daily activities from the time the parents dropped their child off until they returned to pick them up. Two weeks into the first day of school, we would hold an "Open House" for all the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc to come, see what their child has been doing while in my classroom, including out on the playground. We had "circle time" which usually lasted about 25 minutes!!!! A very long time to have a small child like that sit for that long....it might as well have 25 years where they were concerned because they don't have the skills to process time. During our Open House, I would show the video to all the parents and they were amazed at the change in their child. They couldn't believe that "their" actually sat for the length of time, but during Circle Time, we sing, we learn about the weather, we learned about the days of the week and the months. We also greet every child in a song by saying their names...this is a very fun way to learn their new friends' names. So, 25 minutes does sound like a lot of time and it is, but there is so much going on during those minutes that time passes so quickly. One of the things that impressed the parents about the video was that they were given a bird's eye view of how their child spent the day, and sometimes that would include the crying and me and my assistant holding them, however, by the end of those two weeks.....not a tear was shed by any of the kids. When they arrived in my classroom, they were all greeted by me personally, I knelt down to their level and they had already begun to learn that this was "their classroom"...it was a safe place, a fun place, a place to play and make friends. Off went mommy or daddy and the day would start with no tears, just tons of fun and learning.
It is a process and I fully understand your pain, believe me, but your son will do just fine....you just need to give it time. Something that I told all my parents of the children in my classroom. If their child continuously cries after I have exhausted all efforts to make him or her secure, comfortable, playing, and interacting with the other students, then in extremely rare occasions, this child actually is not ready for this type of atmosphere or unable to cope without mommy or daddy. Crying is to be expected and it never fails...it happens. However, through my experiences, I have learned that every child matures differently and at different levels. My advice to those parents would be to wait at least another school year, or perhaps start out on a two days a week basis and see if it changes.
Just hang in there, give your son the chance to be away from you even though I know how difficult that is and I don't take that lightly....just test the waters a bit and see what develops. I am not sure of the reason why you removed your son from daycare, but whatever the reason, remember this...he has had you and only you up to now....just be patient. It will work out.
Good luck to you and may God bless,
T.
