Sneak Out or Say Bye? How to Leave Toddler with Babysitter...

Do not sneak out.
Say bye. Don't prolong it.
Say bye and keep walking even if she is wailing.
The Babysitter... SHOULD be competent enough, to distract her and handle it.

Its her age. They do this. My son was a clingy little one at that age too, even if I left him with my Husband or Grandma.

I hate the sneaking out thing. I prefer to be honest and let her know what's going on. I hate to imagine my child running around the house looking for mommy and daddy and then crying realizing we've left. I'd rather leave in front of my child crying than do that.

Always say goodbye. If you sneak out you will lose her trust and she will lose her confidence that you won't just disappear. Like you said, she is fine after 2 minutes anyway.

ALWAYS SAY GOODBYE!!

I teach at a local community college in the Early Childhood program and one of the classes I teach discusses separation and issues that sometimes occur when children are dropped off or parents leave. It is so important to say good-bye to your child and reassure them that you will be back.

You said your child is fine after a couple minutes. I have worked with kids who have cried MUCH longer than that!

The problem could be that you are using multiple sitters. Children need consistency. Try limiting your sitters, using the same one a few times in a row, more often, whatever and see if that makes any difference...
Good luck!

Yeah I don't like just vanishing. Then they learn that they never know when you are going to take off and it does not help separations in the future.

Always say goodbye and reassure her you will return shortly. She may cry, but once you are gone they usually calm down quickly. It may be worse if she starts looking for you and you have just vanished.

Say goodbye and leave, crying or not. It is tough, but they learn that you will come back.

I never snuck out. I think that is a bad way to maintain trust with your child. I ALWAYS told them I was leaving, AND reassured them that I would be back. Sure, they weren't always happy about it, but they learned that when I said something, I meant it. And it wasn't long before leaving wasn't an issue. In fact, I can only think of a very few times when leaving was any issue at all, and that was at the gym.
Other than that, they were always fine with me leaving. I always made it a point to tell them goodbye and give them a hug and kiss and admonishment to behave for whoever was keeping them while I was gone. (I still do that, and they are 11 & 14).
(and NO, I don't have perfect children.)

I never sneak out. I feel that doing so would make it so that I couldn't ever leave the room, because they wouldn't be sure if I was leaving for a few minutes or a few hours.

At the Y when parents say good-bye to their toddlers, the toddler generally only cries until the parents are out of sight. It is like they are putting on a show for their parents. Some will need a small bit of comforting, but many will just stop crying and go play. Some will play happily for an hour or two, then instantly start crying when mom or dad return. Toddlers can be pretty manipulative:) When the parents sneak out, the child will often play for 15-30 minutes, then suddenly start looking for mom or dad. When they can't find their parents they panic, start to cry, and are very hard to settle. It's like they feel abandoned. It is best to tell them mommy is leaving, and mommy will be coming back.

always say "good bye".....that way you will never regret it ...should something happen. :)

It sounds as if it might be easier to sneak out. But it's better to say goodbye and then make yourself scarce. You know she calms down in a short time, so as she grows out of this interesting stage (and into another one) it will be good for her to know that Mommy and Daddy always say goodbye before they leave.

you should always say good bye to them. They need to know that you are leaving and tell them when you will be back (after nap or whatever). If you just sneak off they will not feel as confidant and secure that you will return. Also if you just sneak away, they will freak out once they realize you are gone. I worked in a preschool for 5 years before having my own kids and just now since my youngest started K, I got a job working in a preschool again. Sneaking away never works out best.

Say goodbye, walk out, and don't look back. It's better this way. Yes, she'll cry, but she'll cry more if you draw it out. She wants what she wants - babysitter AND parents. It's a party, you see! However, she doesn't get to call the shots.

Allowing her to see you leave, though hard on her, will help foster trust better. She will eventually "get it" and stop crying when you leave.

Dawn

Sneaking out is just so... sneaky and dishonest. Whether my children have liked it or not, I always was up front about leaving. My husband is of the sneaky variety and even now that our children are older he thinks it's necessary sometimes but it seriously freaks the girls out and makes them mistrustful. They worry they'll just be abandoned and I don't ever, have never wanted them to feel that way.

Ditto Megan. The NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) actually has a pamphlet for parents which advocates being sure to say a quick and confident goodbye instead of sneaking out. Sneaking out makes *you* unreliable and unpredictable. Letting your daughter have her feelings allows her to be more comfortable separating from you over time.

(Think about it... if you decide to sneak out because you don't want to deal with her feelings... well, how is *she* supposed to deal with them? :) )

The best way to do it if the child is one that gets upset is to get the teachers attention and give them the child, tell the child you love them and will see them after while, then turn and leave. This is the least cruel way.

Most every child in all my years of child care were down and playing by the time mom or dad got to the car. Only one child I can think of cried for a while. She cried every day for months too. She is memorable since she was the only one.

If the parent stays and stays in reinforces to the child that they are in control of mom or dad and that by crying they get what they want. It also makes them really hard to deal with when the parent finally really has to go. Because this child thinks they have it all figured out then the parent leaves anyway. It makes them go through this over and over.

I say a quick good bye. I figure that even if she cries for a short time, I'd rather she know I am coming back vs I was suddenly just gone.

I don't believe in sneaking out. I tell them they're going to have fun, mommy ALWAYS comes home and my guys know that they can trust me, when the sitter comes you can show her a few things, say bye we'll come back in __hours, give a big kiss and hug, and turn around and walk right out that door. Have fun! 1-2 minutes isn't anything to be overly concerned about. She'll get in a routine as long as you don't disappear on her without saying bye. It'd freak me out if my husband just *poof* wasn't there. I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed, and he just disappeared! But if he said "Hey love, going to the store because we have no milk for the morning" I'd be perfectly fine. That may sound overly simple to you, but it's sort of the same thing if you try to see it through little kids' eyes. She can cry. And when she sees you're always home later, it'll get better. Don't give in to the freak out and let her control the situation though---if she senses she can, by freaking out, then she will do it over and over.

Megan P said it best!!!! Kids need consistency and this is probably the root of your problem. Limit the sitters and yes, say good bye.

I try to make sure the sitter and our child were playing or interacting.. then I would say" bye, bye, have fun with Sophie".

She might cry, but the babysitter would be able to handle it.. It was my husband i would need to worry about..

While you are very,very fortunate to have "multiple sitters" (wow, where do I find that setup for my older child?....), your child needs one principal sitter for now whenever you go out. She is too young yet for rotating sitters and isn't able, at two, to get really comfortable with sitters she sees infrequently. She needs consistency and routine, and even if she acts as if she "knows" who you mean when you say "Miss X is coming tonight" or "Auntie Y is sitting you tonight," that does not truly mean she pictures them clearly or has any ability to anticipate that particular person's time with her. I would limit it to one sitter for the next year or so -- even if it means you get to go out less often. I'd do just one regular sitter, and possibly even have that person come over and play with her when you are there the whole time. And then in a year, add one more sitter to the mix, not a bunch of them.

Do always say goodbye. Re-read Megan's excellent post (she's the one studying early childhood). The way to build trust that you will indeed return is to make your departures clear and uneqivocal: You do leave, at times, but you will come back. She needs to know it's OK and that your leaving equals your returning later. If you sneak out, your daughter knows you're there one moment, is distracted by a sitter, then turns around and--you have vanished. She is at an age where she may still believe that when you are not physically present with her, you're Gone For Good. She's on the cusp of getting past that, and the fact she is OK after you leave is very positive, but simply disappearing without acknowledging that you are leaving could make her much less secure each time you leave. Her fusses and freak-outs will actually be worsened over time if you sneak away each time, because she will be uncertain what is happenining and whether you will return.

You already have 25 answers, so I'm not going to read them all... sorry if I repeat...

I NEVER sneak out on my DD. (She is 28 mos)

My uncle (I baby sat his kids when I was younger...) used to sneak out on his kids. It got to the point that if ANYONE came to the house, or if they went ANYWHERE, the kids couldn't function because they were scared he would sneak out on them. They literally wouldn't let him out of their sight. Then the entire time I was watching them, they were extremely anxious. They didn't know WHEN he was coming back, and had a hard time relaxing enough to play.

It's funny, because when I watched these same 2 kids at their mom's house (they had split custody...) they were perfectly fine being baby sat. Their mom made a point of coming over, giving them kisses, and telling them goodbye right before she left. They would sometimes get a little upset, but they KNEW she was leaving, and they KNEW she was coming back... so they got over it quickly. :)

I was talking with a friend yesterday about her leaving her son at pre-school. She said the teacher asked him "do you want to give Mom a kiss" his reply was "no, she'll be back later to pick me up". Obviously he's figured out that even when Mom leaves, she is coming back.

Do Not Sneak out. Quick kiss, love you, bye. Like ripping off a band-aid.

M

I always made sure to say goodbye to my son and give him a big hug and kiss and get the heck out of there. They will cry, but you saw yourself, only for a few minutes and then they are calm again. It is heartbreaking, I know, but the fit is usually because children think that tears will get their way and when they see it doesn't they get over it. I would, however, suggest that you stick to one sitter or daycare. Once she sees that crying and throwing a fit wont change Mom and Dad leaving, she should stop doing it. My son did it for almost 2 weeks with his first day care and then again with his pre-school and I was just very consistent and made sure he knew I loved him and would be back to get him at such-and-such time. Before long, he would stop and just make a sad face but let me leave without tears and then after that it was "Bye Mom! See you later!" Since he started kindergarten we haven't had a single issue with him not wanting us to leave him because he knows we will be back for him and that crying will not change our leaving or his staying. Good luck!!

I don't sneak out, but I don't linger. I say a quick goodbye and leave. It is tempting to give lots of hugs and kisses and tell them you love them and reassure them and so forth. I think that makes it harder. Say goodbye, I love you, give a hug/kiss and leave. Quick and simple. Especially if your daughter calms down quickly.
I also don't spring it on my kids. I just tell them, tonight mommy and daddy are going out and you will stay with a sitter. If there are any problems/concerns they are handled before I am trying to walk out the door. I always remind them that we always come home and promise to check on them when we do get home.
It's all about trust.

completly normal!! Mine is 22 months, he does this all the time. I usually warn the sitter, he will freak out, but in a minute he will be fine. I give him a kiss and tell him mommy's going to go now, give him to the person and walk out the door.