Separation Anxiety - Naperville,IL

Hi Beth,
I teach in the 2's program at our preschool and have worked with this age group for 4 years now. I have taught preschool for 12 years now and have seen it ALL! (smiles)

I have a total of 24 students.. (3 groups who meet for 2 and a half hours.. m/w tues/thurs and a friday only group)

Many two year olds experience separation anxiety and it is VERY common for them to do so. My students experience a varying degree of it and deal with it in different ways. Many are tearful just at the initial separation but then get interested in something pretty soon and recover. They respond to my hugs and silly songs and get distracted.

I have found often times children who haven't had many experiences away from mom and dad.. (library time.. babysitter.. or another parent watching the child.. etc..) coupled with a younger birthday date sometimes initially experience more anxiety than the other children,which makes sense as it is just something they haven't experienced in their young lives yet and they just don't understand that mom will be back soon, they have no concept of time.

Two out of three of my very own children were what I like to call "velcro children" !..I didn't have family around me to help me with babysitting and just didn't feel comfortable with a sitter.. It bothered me so much when they cried. I only left them with my husband in the evening when I went to school. Eventually they stayed with my mother n law from time to time and then babysitters when my husband and I would go out from time to time.

It does break your heart, Iknow! I have two students currently in my program who are both young 2's who like your child have cried the whole time at school these past few weeks. One child has not been able to seperate to stay with anyone else other than the parents. I have my doubts that this child is going to be able to seperate here at school, a completely new environment with strangers..

as I can not distract her at all by reading to her or singing to her.. she won't let me hold her or comfort her in anyway. She just keeps crying. "daddy" "daddy"..

After next week, if she hasn't made any progress at all, I'm going to recommend to my director that they try again when the child is three. This will have been about a month in our program. We started right after labor day.

The other child is the same, stands and cries at the door and refuses to be held or engaged in anything. I would ask your child's teacher next week if there are ANY moments that your child stops crying or if he can be comforted or distracted in ANY way.. even if just initially for a few minutes.

To me this is progress and the child is beginning to learn how to calm down and work through his anxiety. We also have shortened these two children's day to half the time..to see if that helps.

I think this is a great idea until your child understands that you are indeed coming back. You could try the shortened schedule for a couple of weeks. If at this point your child is not making ANY progress at all, I would pull him out (perhaps they would take him mid year?)

and try some mom and me sort of programs at the library or park district.. where you stay with him and he can learn to be around strangers..

and you could also get a sitter for short periods of time.. or have your husband stay with him for short periods of time to help him get used to being away from you. I know it breaks your heart to see him cry.. but I assure you, this is a phase. Now that my kids are older.. (teenager.. 2 in their 20's.. they don't want to stay home.. HA!)

hang in there and share your concerns with your child's teacher. See how they feel about his progress and perhaps they will shorten his day and work with you.

Otherwise if they won't, I would just pull him out and give him some time to mature and start in the threes program next year.

This should not be looked upon as a failure of ANY sort. He is very young at this point and I'm sure just wants to be with his mommy. I'm sure you are a loving mom and he just wants to be with you, but make sure you take time for yourself though, you deserve it. This is only a phase.. it shall pass! keep saying that to yourself! If you decide to pull him, don't look back.. it will be just fine! you have enough going on with your baby going to be born soon, he is only 2!
good luck!

Some programs have a pre-preschool option where it's only 45 minutes or so at first. But, the other thing you can do is if your gym has a daycare, leave him for 1/2 hour at a time at first, and when he begins to realize you'll be coming back each time, he'll get better. My daughter is 16 months old and she really doesn't care for being in a childcare situation (or so it would seem if I didn't talk to the caregivers) because she now will cry when I drop her off and is done crying within about 30 seconds after I leave. And then she cries when I pick her up. This started with her crying inconsolably the first few times I did it, so I did the 1/2 hour thing and it seems to be working! It's so tough to hear about them crying, but just know that he (and you) will get through this! Good luck.

Hi Beth, I don't know how long your son have been going to preschool. Preschool is a pretty different day for your son, but sometimes it takes 30 to 90 days for Children to adjust to a different routine. Children do best with repitition. It may be worth you trying to let him hang in there for a while to see if it gets better. I am an in home childcare provider, and I have had children who it took 2 weeks to adjust and some much longer, but now they don't want to leave when their parents come to pick them up. You could try a small group (daycare home), or just try to stick it out there.

Hang in there he will be fine!

Good luck

Ms P.

Lisa had a great idea! Another idea is enrolling your son in small short programs here and there to see how he does. I've been doing that with my kids ages 22 months and 3 now. I'm doing home preschool with my home day care, but then we do little programs here and there to break it up adding more variety in terms of what they do as well as social environments and learning about authority in having different teachers. Some they like better than others, but they generally look forward to the new things and really enjoy them overall. Some of the things we've done are day camp and programs/events through the park district, library programs, a mall program sponsered by libraries and stores, a month long 3 days a week preschool at the high school by the child development class, etc.
I'd probably talk to the teacher before pulling him out and see what she suggests based on how he is doing/progressing. Best wishes with whatever you decide!!