3.5Yo Hates Preschool - Don't Know What Else to Do

We had the same problem in pre-school and again in kindergarten. I asked the teacher which children my son spent the most time with when he was in school. Clearly Anthony was his playmate of choice so I asked Anthony's Mom if she wanted to car pool. She would take the boys in the morning and I would pick up after school. My son was still hesitant about getting up and ready for school, however when the van pulled up with his best friend inside all reservations disappeared. His teacher reported "no more tears" when arriving at school. Good luck.

I agree with Yvonne. My son just turned 4 in January and loved school the first couple months. He has the most AMAZING teacher. I wish he could just have her forever. He started crying these huge crocodile tears and hugging me, pleading with me not to go. I would tell him I loved him and I would be back in a little while. I told him nothing exciting was going to happen at home while he was gone. The teacher said he was usually fine before I even got out of the building. He always has a great day but now on school days sometimes he will tell me "I'm not going to school, I've had enough". I tell him the journey is only beginning. You have to make him keep going. If you pull him out you will be teaching him that just because he doesn't like something he doesn't have to do it. School is mandatory so you might as well nip it in the bud now. I know it is so tough. Stay strong and hold your ground.

Having read these responses, I'm not sure this one will be very favorable to anyone except your son. I have a hard time when people post that "we have to show them whose boss, or they'll walk all over us later". Yes, I believe in firm discipline but this is not an issue of that sort. Your son is trying to tell you something at 3.5 years of age. He's not ready for school. He needs his mom. He may very well have sensory issues and ADHD, however, the best thing for him at this young age is to be with someone who will love him and give him the one on one attention he needs. No one can do this like a mother can. He'll have his entire life to go to school and you'll never have another chance to shape these years in his life. Why would you want to put him thru 2 more months of struggling if it's going to be so painful for both of you?

I was a daycare teacher and every single kid that I have dealt with, that made drama about coming to daycare, was done with that drama as soon as mom is out of site, no matter how severe it looks. It truly is for your eyes only. He is trying to gain control over his life, which is normal for a 3 year old. The best way to deal with it in my experience, calmly state he is going, ignore any ranting and raving, do not acknowledge any of it!! And drop him off at school. No long goodbyes, tell him bye and walk off no looking back. Do not discuss if he wants to go, tell him it is school and every kid has to go to school. I hope this helps. If you got any questions feel free to contact me back.

K.,
I think I would leave him there anyway, remember you
are the adult and he's the child. It could be he is just
pushing your buttons to see how far he can push you, to get
his own way. Sometimes you have to show them who is boss.
I don't know if I have said the right thing or not, and I don't want to offend you, but if we don't stand up to our
kids when they are little they will think they can walk all
over us when they get to be adults thinking we owe them everything they want. I hope I am making since.
Stick to your guns. You'll be glad you did.
K.

Have you talked to the teacher or observed the classroom? It could be the teacher might notice a pattern. As a former HeadStart teacher assistant, I'd notice how some children will want to play with a certain item/in a certain area each day and will refuse to play in any other area; on days when a particular area would be full, they'd just wander the classroom and it would be very difficult to get them to do something else. I'd also ask what kind of individualization the teacher is doing - check out the curriculum - is it changing to meet your son's needs?

i think if you were to take him out and keep him home for the next few months, he'd probably start to miss it, and then it could be his choice to go back to school. he's still at the age where school isn't necessary, so why don't you let him come home if that's what he's begging for? when he starts kindergarten you'll have to make him go... but why press it now? ..........just my opinion................. of course you should weigh the options and decide what's best.

Hi K. -

I do agree, unless you have some concern that the preschool is particularly bad for him, then making it his choice is not the best option. 3 1/2 is too young to choose a school. It's old enough to choose which pair of socks or pants but not school...

As far as Montessori, though. Are you sure you can't afford it? My daughter goes to Discovery Montessori on Hawkins Blvd. Right now, they rent rooms from the Beth El Synagogue, it's right near the Hawkins/Copley/Mull Circle. They only accept kids five days a week, but your son would be young enough for the half-day program. I don't have enough good things to say about this school. I could write pages on how wonderful it is, and the woman who runs this school has been a Montessori directoress for 27 years. Not only are the kids happy there, it shows in the fact that there are rarely any illnesses, injuries, etc. For the year that my daughter was in daycare, she was bitten, pinched, pushed, exposed to head lice, pink eye, etc. The only downside is that we're stuck there. My daughter is 6 years old and doing division and multiplication - and she's so happy about it she's busting a gut. Where else could I possibly send her, now?

Good luck.

E.

I would not change anything. Kids go through these phases. The fact that is happy when you pick him up and says he had fun tells me that he's fine. If he were still crying or is ready to run out the door and says he had a terrible time I might be worried. What kind of preschool is he in? I agree with many of the other posts - I also worked in preschools and currently care for my nieces (3 and 11 mos) and they almost always stop the show once the parents leave.

I understand what you mean about Montessori schools - I looked into that last year when my son was diagnosed with AD/HD. I would not count on your school to do an assessment if you truly are concerned about AD/HD talk to your pediatrician. They can give you the right tools to guide you through the diagnosis process - it will be different than what you are going through. While the school district is an important resource for this - they are not ultimately responsible for his treatment. I agree that 3 1/2 is young for an AD/HD diagnosis and know for a fact medicating him would be out of the question. However, there is more to AD/HD treatment than meds. Behavior modification therapy is great for any child. It doesn't even need to involve a professional. There are lots of books available on the subject. It's basically just really smart - proactive parenting. Looking for ways to positively reinforce good behavior is the most overlooked parenting tool we have.

My son went through this phase last spring as well. I think part of it is that they are bored. They've been there for awhile now and by this point they realize that nothing new is really going to happen. My son had to be dragged in kicking and screaming for a few weeks last year and I hated it - but he got better and he's in Kindergarten now and loves it. He's been starting again to not want to go, but I'm almost positive now that it's just a little cabin fever combined with the novelty of it wearing off. Talk to him about the things he enjoys there. The bottom line is if you alter his routine now he's going to expect you to do the same thing every time he gets bored or unhappy with things and that's not going to go over well once he starts elementary school. You can try making transition to school easier with rewards of some sort. I did a sticker chart and if he got 3 out of 4 he got a special lunch on the last day (like McDonald's). It worked pretty quickly. You may need to do something each day at first, like a sucker when you pick him up if he didn't make a fuss at drop-off. Gradually pare it back to a weekly thing as he adapts and gets older. You'll be surprise how much they enjoy getting that sticker that tells them they did good(positive reinforcement).

Hi K.,

I'm a little late in responding, but your request caught my eye since I have a daughter who is 3.5 and had preschool issues for a couple of months. I too consider myself an AP parent. I would recommend a different preschool approach in the fall, after he has had some time to forget his experience at his current school. So many of the responses sounded like kids should be sitting down and "learning" academic subjests in preschool. There are preschools that believe in play-based learning, where children learn through play, not by a teacher "teaching" them. In a play-based school, teachers are more facilitators than teachers. They coach students on social situations, such as sticking up for oneself when someone takes your toy away. It sounds like perhaps your son needs less structure, rather than more. Maybe he needs to make his own choices as to the activity. Montessori (so I hear) is similar to this in that students get to choose their activity/station, however there are highly structured things that students are supposed to do with each station. I know of two play-based preschools, North Broadway United Methodist preschool in Clintonville, which has a coop option that is highly affordable and School for Young Children at the Unitarian Church in Clintonville. I'm sure there are others in other areas, but I have heard excellent comments from parents at both of these schools.

Sorry for rambling a bit. Good luck--you know your child best and if he is telling you something is amiss, something probably is.
Laura

Same issue here with my son. Started hating pre-school, even though he was only in on a part time basis. I have determined that he would rather stay at home with me and have fun at home....but that doesn't solve my problem of needing a few hours during the week to do the things I need to that are impossible to do without kids. I have decided that he should continue (as I think yours should) and I base that decision on a few different things. First of all, my son (like yours) always ends up having fun during the time he is there, so you can rest assured that if given a choice, he'd prefer to be with you, but he DOES end up enjoying his time there. Secondly, he will eventually be starting kindergarten and keeping him where he is will allow him to build a comfort within his environment, rather than switching it all up, which may help with the Kindergarten transition. Third, you need your time...he ends up happy at the end of his session there...you could spend more money somewhere else, but I doubt his attitude at drop off time will change. It is such a struggle for that ride to school and the 10 minute drop off "ordeal", but if you say he is happy when you pick him up, then I bet it's just a guilt trip he's pulling to see if he can get you keep him home with you (which is exactly what my son does). I wish you the best and hopefully these little one's will get through this stage...you can chalk this up to being a mommy that's just "too much fun" and he doesn't want to be away from you!

My son, now 9yrs. did this kind of thing when he was small. What I did was... Take something personal along with you. When you get ready to leave, ask him to hold it for you until you get back and if he misses you he can take it out of his pocket and hold it. The first day I did this, the only thing I had was a $1 bill. It worked! He may just need the extra reassurance that you will come back for him. If he has something of yours that he thinks is important to you, he knows you will come back for it. Hope it helps. Shannon

I would try another pre-school. My son had tons of problems at the first pre-school we tried. They called us ALL THE TIME about behavioral issues and it was a horrible experience. He too didn't want to go in the morning but seemed fine when I picked him up and would tell me the fun stuff about the day BUT what he didn't tell me was all the fighting, the teachers yelling (at students and staff) etc. I tried another, smaller pre-school at our local community college and WOW the difference was AMAZING!
He was diagnosed w/ ADHD this year (in first grade). During pre-school years no Dr (good one that is) will give meds to a child his age. Some of what he is experiecing is age related and it will get better. I'd research different pre-schools and daycares in your area. Hope this helps!

I agree that kids do tend to add a bit of drama at drop-off. In my preschool class, I get that alot on Mondays and time change days and days after vacation or holidays. It is hard to slip into a routine, and it's tough to go from Mom and Dad doting on me to having to listen, take turns, and deal with other kids.

I will add that if you are worried about his learning skills, to call your local school system and ask about school readiness and occupational therapy. When my son was three all seemed hopeless, but I found a program through our local school district (Kettering, near Dayton) a GREAT program. They evaluate your child, then have a class with six regular kids and six developmentally needy kids. They mentor each other and through the IEP (Individualized Education Program) team, the kids and parents have goals and progress to get ready for kindergarten. We saw wonders occur through this program. One of our IEP team said schools HAVE to have programs to get kids ready. And since my son qualified as needing extra help, his preschool and transportation were free. Now, though, he is ready to enter kindergarten reading at a first grade level and LOVES school.

The problem with a lot of schools is that they automatically want to put a label on you child if he isn't doing as good as the other children. Sensory issues are hard to test especially when there younger. I wouldn't totally rule out ADHD but you can't determine that in a 3.5 year old. I'm sorry but no 3 year old wants to pay attention and is always over excited. He may just need a more structured atmosphere. I was a preschool teacher for years and I saw this all the time. Their scared or their just wanting the attention from the parents. Trying to get a reaction out of you. After a while they are totally fine and having a blast. Check the schools lesson plan and if your son knows everything or things don't interest him he will be bored and not want to go. The teachers may be mean or the kids if he's acting out. Schools always tough no matter what. I would suggest also having someone else drop him off. Sorry, I know this is tough. We have been going through the school system for over a year trying to get our son tested for things. It's very stressful and he's eleven. Good Luck.

Hello I know what you are going through. It is rough. I have two daughters of my own (6 1/2 and 2 1/2)and a step daughter(12 1/2). Both of mine went through it, I first talked to the teachers and the daycare owner. I told them that I didn't like leaving her when she is screaming and crying for me not to leave. The youngest got yo the point that she would latch on to me and we had to pull her off of me. They told me that I could sneak out and I told them that I would never do something like that to my kids, I want them to know that it is ok and that I will be back. The school did put the youngest into another class with kids just a little bit older than her and she is getting along great now. She still has her days and for the most part it is just a stange that they go through. Hang in there and see if the daycare will work with you on maybe a different teacher or more activities that your son would enjoy while you are away. One other thing that I have found to help, is I let my daughter take a stuffed animal (anything she like elephants) with her. I hope that this helps.

Last year my daughter was three as well, and I tried putting her in preschool. She hated it and cried the whole time she was there. I pulled her out, I didn't want to pay x amount of dollars to fight with her every morning. This year she started preschool in September and she loves it. She gets mad on Tuesdays and Thursdays when she can't go. I really think the extra year of maturity really helped her. I would suggest taking him out and trying again in the fall. You are right you don't want him hating school this early. Good Luck!!!

I work with preschoolers and see this all the time. Your son's behavior is very normail. It takes a long time for little ones to get used to a new routine. If he is only there two days a week it may take longer. Some of my kids/students cling to mommy and say they don't want to go to school but once mommy leaves, most of them join right in.

Just stay very positive when talking about school. Continue taking him and make drop off time quick and consistent. Say good bye, give him a kiss and go!

As far as ADHD, I don't even consider it at his young age. 3 year olds are in school to work on attention and harnessing energy.

My son is always trying to get out of school, he's also in preschool but almost 5. He says his teacher makes it harder for him than she does the other kids. I quote "She asks them all the easy questions and me the hard ones" lol That's what you get when your one of the oldest! He does fine with school if someone else drops him off but tries everything under the sky if I drop him off. I work nights, so if I drop him off it means I'm home during the day, and that I didnt work the night before so don't need to sleep all day. He knows this and just wants to stay home with me. My mom said we were all the same with preschool with her. Faught about going b/c we wanted to stay home with her. Does he know that you don't stay home and "play" without him? Maybe he feels he's missing out on something at home by being at school. Therefore, it's not the school he hates, or the fact he hates going but the fact that he can't be with you. If I tell my son all the things I'm going to do while he's at school, and what we will do after school together, then he is much happier about going. Best of Luck!

Three yr olds are not ready for "school". Unless you are working you should just keep him home. Join a group of Moms that meet and let the kids play together with their Moms there.

I raised 3 kids. I also worked at a teachers aide for 3 years in a kindergarten class. If you talk to teachers, most of them will tell you kids need better discipline and less material things. Keep your child away from TV, read to him and let him use his imagination. Punish him when he does not obey. You will be glad you did.

hi K. . . . I thought I would take a shot at giving my opinion - (take it or leave it - i wont be offended). Im pregnant with mine and my husbands first child - so Im not a mom yet, but I have worked with kids (as a job and volunteer) for over 5 years and Im currently a nanny right now. So - I have seen many different behaviors with kids. When I worked at a daycare earlier this year, I had seen kids do the same thing your little boy is doing. - act upset when arriving at pre-school, but he has fun. Honestly, I think its partly (or mostly - but not all) the fact that he doesnt want to be seperated from Mommy! I have seen kids throw fits, scream and cry when their parents drop them off, but then 5 minutes later - when theyre distracted - they are completely fine and participating with other children.

As far as your little one having ADHD, I am not experienced in that at all - so I cant say. But I dont think switching schools with less than 3 months left would solve any problems. It may be a temporary fix, but he will most likely go back to the same habit no matter how much he likes it there. I know he's young, but i think he might pick up on the idea of quitting something when it gets hard.

But I wish you luck with the process of figuring it all out! :)

- W. S.