Selfish Great-niece

She is 2 years old and you need to remember that. It is a little crazy the expectations you have placed on both girls. Please remember they are children and they go through stages.

Since I have a 2 1/2 year old and many friends with kids the same age, this is COMPLETELY normal. Each child can vary so much on the issue of sharing. Some do quite well, other's can't at all. You do need to enforce the sharing, despite tantrums. And if there is a complete breakdown on both sides, then the toy goes in a time out until they can share. It takes a lot of patience and repetition. Don't take it personally or think that the little girl is naughty. It's just a developmental thing. Best wishes!

Is she selfish S. or just forced to share everything she has and is fed up with it? A smart 2 year old knows that some things just ARE hers and she doesn't have to share them.

When adults force children to share things the children get angry and develop anxiety about everything around them. By labeling her "selfish" you are creating a monster. STOP THIS immediately and insist that everyone in the family stop as well.

Your granddaughter has the right to her own things. When she is at home, on a car trip, or wherever you go, have her take ONE thing that is hers and hers alone that she does not have to share. This way she will begin to trust again that she does have some personal space.

Imagine being YOU and having to share everything you own S.. Do you share your room, your jewelry, your food with everyone who walks up to you insisting that you share? How soon would you resent the people in your world if you were forced to give up everything you cherished to family members and/or complete strangers just because someone else bigger than you told you that you have to?

This is common sense: kids need to have personal things the same way adults do. Give her the ability to CHOOSE what she will share. Maybe she brings two things along - one to keep and one to share.

And stop the labeling - it doesn't do anything but put your granddaughter in a corner alone - separating her from everyone else and giving people more reasons to chide and shame her.

You are creating the monster yourselves. Give her a break. She's only two!!

I think your expectations are way too high for a 20 month old and 2 year old. I think the solution is to relax a little and let the kids play. When there is a conflict, step in and tell both of them that they need to share - if they aren't willing to take turns, then have a "toy time-out" and put the toy up or away. I really, really discourage you against calling the 2 year old selfish. She's two!!! Until about 2 1/2 (some kids older/some younger), kids think that the whole world revolves around them (it's a psychological principle called egocentrism). It does not mean they are all selfish, they just have a hard time putting themselves in other people's shoes. In short, encourage sharing and let down your expectations or you will just be disappointed.

In some church toddler nursery I read a sign that went something like this.

Toddlers Creed
If I saw it first, it's mine
If I touched it first, it's mine
If I want it, it is mine
If you saw it first, it is still mine
If you touched it first and I pull it away from you, it is mine
If I want it and you are on it and I dump you off of it, it is mine.
If you want it, it is mine
If I even think you might want it some time in the future, it is mine
If I broke it, it is yours

It made me laugh and it is really true.

The other thing I thought of, is take some time and watch some old Little House on the Prairie episodes. When I had this situation once, I happened to see that show and realized that some people are just Nellies by nature. You really can't avoid all of the Nellies in life, but you can help your grand-daughter develop strategies that will make it easier to deal with them.

I know how hard it is to sit by and watch the 2 yr. old take over the little ones toys like that. You have to keep telling them that they have to share, even if it is her toys. Keep installing this into both children While one is playing with one toy make sure you have something for the other to play with too. Make sure when they do share that you praise them every time. Keep instilling in each one that it is "nice to share". I am taking care of my 20 month of grandaughter as well,, and have seen her saying "mine" alot. I firmly tell her to share and she does respond to me when I tell her she needs to share. It may not always be a Happy look, but she finds another toy to bide her time until she gets the toy back. It is natural for kids to think they want "all the toys" and it IS a learning experience for them. Good Luck to you. They will grow up fast enough and hopefully they will have learned some good lessons from these little tiffs.

2 year olds are only just starting to learning to share. Her behavior really isn't selfish in the way adults or older children can be. Before age 2, they are egocentric and don't realize that other people have emotions different than their own. Toys (and people) are still an extension of themselves, so asking them to share say a truck is like asking them to give away their arm or leg forever. They do not grasp the passage of time yet. 1 or 2 minutes can feel like forever. At this stage, you have to "police" them to keep them safe and help them learn this new skill and a very important skill at that. Reflective listening (Your really like Emma's car and want it to be yours.), sports casting (Wow, you have all of Emma's toys now. What does Emma have to play with? Can you help find her something to play with?), and empathy (It's hard to share sometimes.) There are many Toddler's Creeds that are written out there that offer humor and support about this very normal development challenge for 2 year olds and their caregivers. Here's one that I found by a respected Child Development expert T. Berry Brazelton
"If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

Some other quick ideas to help keep the tears and tantrums down, put away any very special toys, having more than one of certain toys/objects (but some kids like to "collect" them all!), outside play (more space), bubble play (learning to get do something together together), the timer already mentioned is handy, have her "help" find something for Emma to play with, model sharing, praise her when she shares, stay calm when she has a hard time sharing.

Sharing is a learned art:) Good luck!

You received a lot of great responses, but I wanted to comment on your first response. About taking the car away from both. That is not fair to Emma. Emma waited to use the car, her cousin got out and Emma went to take her turn. Then cousin has a temper tantrum... why punish Emma who waited nicely for her turn? You calmly tell the other girl that it is Emma's turn, if you still have those meltdowns, it is time to remove the cousin from the situation and let Emma use her car. Why would you punish one for another's behavior? I have always been against that, it will teach Emma not to share, instead of teaching the one to share, which is the point.
Just wanted to put that out there.

This is still very normal behavior for a 2 year old. There worlds are all about them. Different personalities will act differently, but still in the realm of normal. Saying NOBODY gets to play with the car is NOT the answer. For one thing it punishes your granddaughter for sharing in the first place. Once the other child was out of the car and posession switched, Emma should have been allowed to stay no matter the tantrum of the ?cousin?. The other could have been removed to another room if they had a tantrum over it, but when calm explained that at your house we take turns and right now it's Emma's turn. She (with your help) can ask Emma to tell her when she'll be done with the car, maybe 5, 7 or 10 minutes if that's appropriate timing. Then when Emma IS done with the car, have her tell her cousin it's her turn now. This method diffuses a lot of issues in a day care center (though the youngest we take is 3 yrs and by 4 they're understanding others feelings much better). Watch the younger one closely to intervene if she's taking toys away from Emma (or her sister). Emma sounds like a peacemaker, which is a wonderful quality but she also needs to know her desires are important too.

Kristin got her response in faster than me. VERY well said.

I agree with most of the others. Teaching sharing is a process. The only way you can help is staying positive before, during and after the situation. These aren't BAD kids.

My sister had a "passive" son when he was young and SHE had a hard time when all of his things would be taken away by other, more assertive, kids. So, she had no appreciation for the "normalcy" of the other kids' behavior.
Her son did eventually get to the selfish/possessive point and she DID have to deal with this (not until he was over 3 years old). Your granddaughter will eventually learn to stick up for herself (at that point you will probably also be having to teach HER not to be selfish, even with others toys.)

I guess I'm saying, you're being very protective of your "Grandma's Girl" and making villians of your nephew's kid.

I don't think that your Mom is as torn as you think.

The reason everyone pointed out that this is "NORMAL" behavior is so you don't get so worked up about it and think bad things about these sweet little ones (who sometimes do things that hurt others feelings)

When it is time to "force" a child to share/take turns,
distraction is a very good thing. Say,"OK! It's ______'s turn. Let's play with these blocks." If they get upset, be empathetic, they've just had to give up something that they were REALLY enjoying (whether it belongs to them or not).

What a wonderful opportunity to spend time with your mom and be a good influence on you're extended family. They don't learn without repetition.

Unless, your granddaughter is terribly miserable during each visit, I would continue them and keep them a reasonable length. Not too long.

Make sure all the kids are well rested
and fed for playdates. That will help things go smoother.

I'm sorry to say that you may not be able to just "check out" and visit with your mother exclusively during your visits. You will need to closely supervise and engage them from time to time. You will probably encounter tantrums as you enforce sharing. Be patient. Eventually, they will learn.

A friend told me, that the secret to a good activity is to end it while they're still having fun. Don't wait until they're melting down and are miserable. You'll all look forward to the next visit.

This is very normal behavior for this age! It is all about them and they just need to learn how to share. Removing them from the situation doesn't help unless it gets too out of control. It is teaching them how to behave in the moment that helps them process it for next time. The two year old is not trying to be mean or selfish. I call these "learning moments" for them and it is how you and your mother react that truly teaches them how to behave.

We ran into something similar with my nephew and my son, only grandma was the one trying to make them share...and, while I applaud your desire to make them share, I'm not sure that kids that age really CAN share. (It's a fine line, though; that shouldn't necessarily be an excuse for not teaching it.) I think I've read that kids that age believe that another child playing with their things signals that the item is no longer theirs--a disastrous concept to young children. Anyway, the solution we all eventually agreed upon was a) the boys both play with GRANDMA's toys, not their own, and b) they each play side by side, but not WITH each other. My son is 4 and my nephew is 2...they love going to the barn with grandpa and being together, but imaginative play was too much to ask them to do together. I also do like your idea of a timer--that may seem militaristic, but we do that with our neighbor boy who is still learning to share when he visits us.

Beth has some great advice! Teach to communicate feelings & what they want. I was a nanny for a long time with my son, & now home daycare with son & daughter. It is natural to defend our own children or ones closest to us. I find my self doing that even though it can be MY kids who are being selfish or acting their age. Personalitly does have a big roll too. Hard to "love" the kids who are not behaving as much, but they are little people who are still learning. They are learning they have some "power" too when saying NO to someone. Cause & effect are big ones to learn at 2. Glad you wrote in, this is good reminders for me as well right now!! =o)

S. -

DISCIPLINE!!! Put your neice in a timeout and tell her that kind of behavior is not acceptable. Let her know that she is welcome to use your granddaughter's toys, but she will be nice and share as well. Or take the toy away! Kids tend to mind the rules when they know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are. Several of the ladies who responded talked about personality and stages and normal, but not one person talked about setting boundaries and rules, which kids NEED. Chaos happens when there is NO discipline. Good Luck!

First of all, I think your grand-daughter, Emma is a great child for her age to not make a fuss when the 2 yr old takes her toys. Although Emma would have the right. I feel it is her nature to not be that way. I would not worry about her being "bullied" or "too shy or afraid to stand up for herself". She will eventually learn it on her own. My son was some what similar when he was a toddler. But his nature was and still is "to not let things like that upset him". But believe me, when he did think something was worth the fight, he did.

It's great that Emma is taught to share. It's hard to decide HOW to teach her to not let others take her things. Maybe when it happens you could say to her "if you were not done with it, you CAN get it back". If she's too timid to do it herself (and at her age, it's understandable), then your actions (example of what had already happened) will teach her how to. Children take it in without realizing it themselves. As I mentioned before, I think you are blessed to have such a wonderful grand-daughter...most children throw tantrums...

As for the 2 yr old...your Mom should have brought some of that child's toys along. And in the process, teach her that since Emma is nice to share her toys with her, then she needs to do the same. She may reject to that matter when it happens. For example, the 2 yr old takes Emma's toy. Then, Emma could herself or with your's or your Mother's help, to go and pick one of the 2 yr old's toy or better yet, tell the 2 yr old to make an exchange to share. If the 2 yr old makes a fuss, then take Emma's toy back and not let the 2 yr old have it till she gives up one of her own. But, Emma should give the Okay to let her have it back (is it okay with you?). If I remember correctly, this situation did happen with one of his cousins. It worked.

Good luck and let us know how things worked out...

I know that everyone is saying this is normal for the age and I agree to a certain point but kids can learn how to act appropriate at the age of 2.

My 2 year old shares very well and usually without me reminding her that others would like to use that toy also. I have a lot of playdates at our house so maybe she has just gotten use to other kids playing with her toys and that sharing is good. She sometimes takes a toy from another kid and I make her give it back (instead of me giving it back to the kid, this way she understands what is going on). I explain that the other child is playing with that toy and when they are done with the toy she can play with it. She usually goes for another toy now and forgets about that other toy. There is one exception, something she does not need to share, my daughter has a 'fuzzy' bear blanket that is her comfort object and that is the only thing that she does not need to share. I think it has helped that she knows there is something that is all hers.

I don't agree with people saying that the child does not understand that this behavior is not appropriate . The child does not always think of sharing first so you have to remind them and eventually that will be something they remember right away. Kids are smart no matter the age they just push the bounders to see what they can get away with.

My guess is that this 2 year old either gets away with things at grandmas or more likely the parents. I would keep policing the situation, I know it is not ideal, but hopefully eventually the other child will at least learn that at your house this is how we act/play with others.

I would have taken the car away completely and said NOBODY plays with it.

My daughter is 6.5 and just starting to learn how to share and be a part of a group and work as a team. It's a big problem I work on everyday with her. She's lost alot of friends over this and I've begun to realize alot of it is personality, alot being a only child. I have noticed my daughter is finally outgrowing this horrible behavior and her teacher really made strides with her this year. Some kids are thicker headed than others and it takes alot of repetative behavior modification to get them to change. In the mean time just take the toys away completely and keep explaining how to share and literally help them communicate or ask to play with something.

One way to avoid this is to simply ask your daughter if there is anything she doesn't want her cousing to play with, and put it up before the child comes over. This is perfectly acceptable. My friends and I did this when visiting each other with our kids because there were some toys that one child or another didn't want ruined or had a new toy that they wanted time to play with before sharing it with others. To avoid problems we would each ask the kids what toys they didn't want anyone to play with and had them put it up before the other kids arrived. No one can play with it while they are there, but it also kept the other kids from being too rough and accidentaly breaking something. Kids do need to learn how to share but it doesn't mean that they have to share everything they own. We all have things that we don't share with others and it's perfectly ok.

Kids that age are supposed to be selfish and unwilling to share their toys; it is a necessary step in their development as persons. That is why they call it the 'terrible twos'. Children really don't fully grasp the concept of sharing their stuff until age 7.

You have two options here: 1. Keep fighting with a 2 year-old. 2. Make sure nobody gets to bring along their own toys to these types of gatherings unless there is the same one for each child (communal toys only).

Unfortunately this is how kids of that age are and you will have to police the situation for quite a bit of time to come. Maybe you should set out the rules before hand. You can write them on a colorful piece of construction paper and then laminate it. Every time they are over you can start by reading off the rules and telling them exactly what will happen if the rules are broken. Just don't expect perfect responses. As long as you are firm but loving you will lead them in the right direction.