Not sure if anyone can help, but here's the question. So, I'm the type of person who goes along with pretty much anything. You tell me I do everything wrong, so be it. I don't follow through with my actions. I don't express my feeling much. I'm just pretty much a laid back person. But enough is enough. My MIL lives with us (my husband's idea), she does watch my son three days out of the week and then he goes to day care two days. My MIL seems to have no problem telling me everything I'm doing wrong and voice her thoughts and concers. She throws things in my face. I just sit there. I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though she does that to me. My husband knows some of the things she does, but I don't tell hm everything. He tells her to mind her own business. But she does not know when to stop. My daughter and I don't want to go home because she is there. That's not right. I had a really rough childhood. And I think I need to learn how to deal with some emotions or something. She tells me my daughter makes her blood pressure go up and drives her crazy. I have a 3 year old son and a 15 year old daughter.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is there a book(s) out there that I can learn to speak my mind and not hurt anyone's feelings? I don't tell anyone how I feel. I just say " everything's ok" when it's not. I need to learn how to tell her to stop and mind her own business without getting angry or starting a fight.
Please let me know if there is a book out there that will work. I have a kindle so I can put it on there. Thanks! Please no judgements!! I can get that at home. :)
Well, nothing changed in my house. I have to find it within myself to stand up for what it right. Thanks to everyone who has voiced their concerns.
I found the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie, to be VERY helpful.. she (and yes , Byron is a she :) spells things out so simply yet on point..
You can even give her approach a try by typing in, "THEWORK.COM it's free and a helpful website. Her book was one of the best self-help I have ever read..
best of luck to you
The book by Lucinda Bassett called "The Solution- Conquer Your Fear, Control Your Future."
Its a good read.
She had a bad childhood too.
She is highly successful, now, despite that.
It is inspirational.
Which, inspiration is good... it helps one re-evaluate things and themselves.
Its good you recognize, your own personality and how you'd like to improve yourself.
:)
We all have things to improve.
Everyone.
Its good your Husband speaks up, for you.
Its sad, you and your Daughter do not even want to go home, because of MIL.
Does your Husband know that?
You NEED to tell him.
MIL.... is wrecking the family. Your family.
Have boundaries.
Get your Husband on board. On the same page.
Its his Mom, and she is really, causing problems. She lives WITH you. She has her place.... not it being the #1 control freak in the family.
good luck.
You NEED to TELL your Husband, EVERYTHING she has done!
Why not?
You should be able to tell your Husband.
Don't keep it all bottled up in you.
He is your partner.
Tell him.
Otherwise, you are letting your MIL, make you ALL, miserable.
And you NEED to stick up for your Daughter!
If my Mom or MIL said those awful things about MY daughter, I would give them a piece of my mind!
Don't let your MIL, degrade your daughter.
The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend helped me gain some great perspective.
Your daughter is 15 and no matter how tough teenagers want to act they need positive input from home. Your MIL is wrecking this situation for everyone. She know she can bully you and that is why she is doing it. I have dealt with so much in my life and the hardest thing for me to overcome is family. It took me 42 years to deal with it. Dr. Phil is a great one to read and my friend who is also a people pleaser read a book about colors and people's personalities. I am sorry I can remember the name. She told me that I should also read it. You also need support for your husband. He has a great deal at stake here and needs to get involved. Your MIL needs to get out if this situation is not working for her!
I find self help books useless. Everyone is unique so how can one book deal with it all, ya know?
One thing you have to realize is holding it in is part of the problem. If someone does something that is mean or annoys you, you need to say something right then. You may be annoyed but you are not yet angry. It is when you let it turn into anger that you have a problem. Saying how you feel does not hurt feelings, words spoken in anger hurt feelings plus they build up walls that hurt future communication.
Another thing is when you tell someone about something they are doing word it in a way that doesn't blame them. Yeah if someone is being mean they are doing it to be mean but pointing that out won't change their behavior and that is the goal, to make them change behavior.
I used to be a people pleaser as well. I would always be the one that worked late and listened to all my friends problems and even get talked into doing things that I really didn't want to do. I think you should talk with your husband and tell him everything. Let him know how you feel and ask him to talk to his mother as you are afraid that you might say something that you might regret. It seems like he would stand up for you and maybe have his mom move. So as far as the self help books go, you can read all the books you want but ultimately it comes down to you and having the courage to speak your mind. Once you decide that you want to tell her something write it down and rehearse it in the mirror or have a friend listen to what you have and then tell your mother in law. You are a strong and brave woman you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to want to do it. I really liked Tony Robbins Awakening the Giant Within. That book was great but like I said. It comes down to you beautiful woman.
