My MIL Is at It AGAIN!

I agree with Lola. Don't freak out, but be prepared next time to be specific. Don't assume ANYTHING. Be polite, but very specific. Like instead of asking her to comfort him say, "Would you mind talking to him or giving him a toy?"

I did not read the other posts, but this is coming from what others responded with... If you can help it, don't hire family. Cut the strings baby!! We lived with my parents for awhile and it was hell. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but my husband and I needed to made a clean break from the in-laws. We did that and everything has been heaven since then. We never take favors and if they get to watch the baby, then they do it strictly for the joy of being with their grandson.

I would have freaked out. I dont have a crazy mil, i have a crazy mother, and i mostly try not to have to deal with her in person. if she's constantly putting down my mothering style (for instance, I dont give the kid everything she wants immediately, what a horrible mom! I make her eat vegtables, I'll roast in hell!) and I dont want my daughter to think it's ok to disrespect people like that. So we see her only a couple of times a year. I'd tell her, or have my husband tell her, that if she cant respect my parenting style, or me as a person (or at least the law, for crying out loud!) she can see the kid on holidays and that's it. It didnt change my mom's tune, but it might work for you.

J.,
To be safe, I have gone back to read your PPs about your MIL to get the "background." And I must say, it doesn't sound all THAT bad to me.

Unbuckling a child from a car seat is YES, a ridiculously stupid thing to do--to US--who have ALWAYS had car seats. Things have changed since your MIL's day with kids. When I was a baby, they didn't even HAVE car seats--we used to lie on the front passenger seat! (all the better to projectile thru the windshield, my dear!)

Cut her a little slack, OK--you gave her $$ for her mortgage once, she does not lavish gifts on your kid like your parents do, she is taking $$ to watch your baby (which you would probably pay a stranger anyway), you didn't want her to watch him b/c you didn't want him "running to her for comfort" at family events due to it hurting your feelings or your mom's feelings. ???? What's UP with that? Check yourself.

Let me give you a little advice from INSIDE the rodeo. Stop treating your MIL like a sea creature from hell. You are going to ruin your marriage over it. No man is ever going to choose between his mom and his wife and if he HAS to choose sides, he will build resentment over the years.
Be kind, polite and respectful to her. Make sure she understands safety procedures, has a list of emergency contacts and THANK GOD you have a family member watching your child. O. that doesn't charge you ten bucks for each minute after closing that you pick up your kid.

I can understand everyone's reaction here. First of all, remember our MIL's and parents come from a time when kids weren't always buckled in. Laws were much more lenient then, so she probably just wasn't thinking. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here (as an outsider) and assuming she was just trying to take care of the baby, and not really thinking about the bigger picture. Cut her a little bit of slack. She meant no harm...
On that note, I do think you over-reacted a bit. The baby was not hurt in any way for the few seconds he was out of his car seat, and she did put him back in. I have a MIL who triggers me all the time, so I understand how you feel. Try, as hard as it is, to take some of the emotion out of your reaction. It's not making things any easier for you, your son, or your husband. If you need to have a good long talk with your MIL, do so. Talk with your husband too. I did this with my MIL, and though she has not changed much since then, I felt much better for having gotten things off of my chest. Do it for you, not to change her. Do it so you can release some of the anger and move forward.

Hugs to you,
T.

next time be specific as to what you want her to do. her way was to unbuckle his car seat. that was not your way. so next time tell her exactly what you need.
i just read some of your posts, and find a solution for you: get a hobby. you seem so preoccupied with your MIL that probably your husband is going to ask for divorce if you do not put the breaks on yourself.
she is a grandma who is wanting to be involved. maybe she cannot afford to spoil her ONLY grandchild but she's trying. you're giving a bad rep to all of us who have real MIL issues. just stop it already

Here's the deal. I wanted to get a good perspective on this MIL so I read some of your other posts, and in many ways, I can see myself in you. I have a difficult relationship with my FIL, and we're at the place now that every little thing he does that is a slight against me really gets under my skin, because there are bigger things in our past. I know these things build and compound and pretty soon, little things that you would shrug off in other situations become major because of your past history. Believe me, I'm there. And it's hard, because each little thing he does to me is like just another example of his thoughtlessness/bias/annoying personality.

However, having said that, you have to be careful. This is your husband's mother, and his instinctual loyalty is to her, especially if you're prone to overreacting. I am working on this now with my FIL, and I've NOT perfected it yet, but the fact is, not everything he does is a big deal. It seems like it to me, especially since MY parents would never do something like (fill in the blank here), but recognizing that his parents don't think the same way helps. These are my husband's parents. They managed to raise the man I love, and sometimes, I have to dismiss things for his sake. I think this is one of those situations, for you.

NOT that you should EVER have let her take your son out of his carseat - um, NO. But screaming at her seems like a huge overreaction, especially if she didn't argue with you about it, and since, if you were driving, screaming at her and becoming distracted that way was really pretty dangerous too. Neither of you behaved well in this situation.

It is obvious to me that she does not think the way you do, and has some very old-fashioned ideas about kids. My mother tells me about how they used to drive with me in her arms when I was a baby - back then, people just didn't know how dangerous it was, and obviously, your MIL still thinks that way. In this case, you were entirely correct, and you should not allow her to remove your son. But I think you do no one any favors by flipping out. If she does it repeatedly against your wishes, that is different. But in this case, it seems like her heart was in the right place - it's just her head wasn't. And if you learn not to overreact at your MIL so much, then your husband is more likely to back you when a true affront happens, because he won't feel like you're picking at his mom for every little thing.

I have told my husband that knowing he agrees with me helps me put whatever his father did behind me, because I know we're a united front, and that I'm truly right. And in return for this sign of support, I keep most of my complaints about his father to myself. It's hard, but it's working. So apologize to your husband (and MIL) for overreacting to this situation, explain how important this is to you and how dangerous it is to take a child out of the carseat, but tell them that you shouldn't have freaked out and you're sorry. Then move on. You can do it.

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED"

You are correct in thinking this may not be the site for you. While we are all “entitled” to our feelings, if you are not prepared to regard the responses provided by an extremely wide range of women, as constructive instead of attacks, you will not improve your situation, and that is the whole point on this site.

Now that you have outted your husband’s mother’s illegal activities and further demeaned your family in what seems to be in self-defense of your own behavior, I can only recommend that you might consider some personal counseling, marriage counseling and anger management. You definitely seem to have the “poor me” syndrome. While you may think you have a voice in your marriage, your husband may not be saying what is truly on his mind because he doesn’t want to deal with more drama. He seems to already be walking a tight rope between you and his mother

Additionally if your husband’s mother used your name as an employer for unemployment benefits and received such benefits, then you as the employer had to be notified and either denied or agreed that she was indeed a former employee. If the later is true, both you and your husband’s mother could be candidates for criminal prosecution.

I’m not staying this to be harsh or mean, I just think you are in a lot of pain and need to do something more constructive to heal yourself, your marriage and family relationships.

Blessings….

J.,

Is she that DUMB?

Are you that INSENSATIVE?

I doubt seriously that many mothers want to revisit all your rants regarding your husband’s mother. It’s clear you barely tolerate the woman.

Having never met either of you, I don’t know if your husband’s mother is DUMB or if you’re are INSENSATIVE. However, I do know when she was a mother, it was considered “normal and natural” to hold a baby or small child when riding in a car. Most people know that is no longer the case and has not been for some time.

There were better solutions then for you to go BALLISTIC on her (creating tension for all concerned—including your child:

ONE: “Ma (or whatever you call her), the baby is fussy, don’t take him out of the seat, it’s against the law, try THIS or THAT.” “If we can’t calm him down, we can pull over at the next safe place and then we can take him out of the seat”.

TWO: The next time your husband’s mother is out with you and the family in the car, you or your husband ride in the backseat with the baby.

When it comes to wives and mothers who don’t have a good relationship, the husband/son is in the middle of the two most important women in his life. The wife comes first in his heart now, but his mother was the first woman to fall in love with him.

Blessings....

If she is a criminal, dangerous to your child and crazy please tell us why you keep her in your life? Sounds like maybe you enjoy drama and driving your husband crazy.

I'm dreading being a MIL someday. No way will I be perfect all I can hope is that my kids decide to marry people who are a little more laid back. Or at least realize that I've raised a couple of kids and at one point *did* have a clue as to what I was doing even if I'm not current on what today's standards are.

IMHO, you come across as very young. I really, really, really think you need to step back a few steps and consider what puts you so over the edge with this mom/grandma/MIL. This is your husbands mother, there is a lot of her in him.

Advice? Chill out a little and be more cognizant as to how you come across.

.

I hate to say it, but mom's/grandma's don't always think the most logically when it comes to their grandkids. We have to remember that when they had babies, a lot of times they didn't even use car seats. My mom, who is only 55, tried that with my first son as well, who is now 3 1/2. I had to remind her that he always has to be in the carseat. IMO, it sounds like you're being a little harsh, so just try to remember that she is doing what she thinks is the right thing, and it's your job to steer her in the right direction when it's unsafe or not what you would prefer her doing. Take a step back and consider her justification and reasoning. It's not her being dumb, it's her being a grandma and trying to comfort her grandchild the way she knows how.

J.,

This is a tough situation because I think you now feel triggered to react to each and every misstep your MIL makes. It's like any strained relationship, after a while there isn't enough goodwill left to counter those touchy moments.

First of all, as previous posters have said, the car seat issue is pretty typical of our parents generation. They took their children on epic cross-country car trips with a baby on their lap, a cigarette in their mouth and three screaming pre-schoolers in the backseat. I'm not saying it was right or that the things we do differently aren't correct, but she really probably didn't see anything wrong with unstrapping her grandson for a second.

Secondly, the issues you have with her really do need to be addressed. For the mental health of your entire family. You are the one who will probably need to do the most adjusting. For things to get better, you will have to get better. It sounds like you have some legitimate concerns and if you were able to address the things really bothering you - perhaps you could let other, lesser issues go.

The daycare issue seems huge to me and I think it's somewhat insensitive for posters to tell you to let something like that go. A child care provider has such a large impact in helping you raise your child and you really do need to feel confident and happy with whomever you choose. I would make it a point to revisit that issue and reiterate how you would like to have your MIL as a back-up sitter, but feel the primary sitter should be a non-family member.

And hey, take deep breaths. I don't always get along perfectly with my MIL either. In fact, I have to take lots of deep breaths around her. We are just very different people and truth be told, wouldn't be friends had I not married her son. That said, I love her son and she raised him. I respect that deeply and would be utterly forlorn if my baby married a woman someday who didn't treat me well or respect the important role I played as the mother to her husband.

J.,
I read your history and it is apparent that you do not like your MIL nor do you respect her. Reasons are varied, but just some food for thought.

1. wouldn't it be nice to be able to teach your son how to get along with all kinds of people? This means modeling it for him.
2. The more people in this world that love your son, can only enrich him and build him up. He will begin to wonder why you hurt his grandmother's feelings and those may be hard questions to answer later on.
3. Someday you will be a Mother in Law (hopefully) how are you going to want your son to treat you? How are you going to want your daughter in law treat you? If you do something for your grandson that you do now for Carter and daughter in law gets livid with you and you find out that what you did is no longer an accepted practice, how are you going to feel? Remember Karma can be a SOB!

I'm thankful for my inlaws. They are close & we do lots of things with them, but I do have moments where I disagree with things and sometimes they just get on my nerves, but I handle those moments with love & tact as I would want my husband to do with my parents who are not perfect either.

Carter will learn how to treat people according to how you treat people. Ask yourself if you are doing the best you can for him?

Not judging you, just letting you know that just from what you've written, it is apparent you do not like her or respect her, but nothing you've written that she has done really warrants the amount of disrespect that is there.

My mother who wanted to be there when we got our daughter, (adopted), got upset when my husband & I made the decision for it to be just us present. My whole family didn't come see my first child for 6 weeks! When they did come, they stayed 1 hour. We had an argument, & we didn't talk or see each other for 9 months. Family got involved and got us to sit
& talk & we made up and I'm thankful now because my kids love her. Just food for thought that this life is too short dwelling on the things we can't control. You can't control her, so celebrate your differences. Hope this helps you see things in a different light.

I've read all of the responses. I've read some of your past posts, and you update.

I just wanted to say that I do NOT think you overreacted. I would've been the same way. The other posters probably would have been the same too, but its always easier to say how you would've reacted more calmly and this and that until the moment is actually yours and the only thing you can think to do is freak at the top of your lungs!

I think the lesson to learn here is that when you are in the car with your baby, and someone else is driving, YOU should always sit in the back with your baby. That way you have control and there is no possibility for misunderstandings like that.

M.

I am sorry you have felt attacked. I wanted to let you know that I would have totally freaked out if someone unbuckled my baby while the car was on the highway. And, I would be mad at my hubby for not agreeing with me.

I am sorry you are going through a hard time and sometimes it feels good to vent. Learn from your MIL's mistakes and try to be a better MIL when the time comes. My MIL and I don't have the best relationship either, so I understand. I probably could try harder but there comes a point when you reach a breaking point and you are no longer interested. That is where I am now. Luckily she lives in another state so it makes it much easier. I hope that things get better.

Wow, how do these ladies think they know the situation well enough to tell you off?
If my MIL or anyone, for that matter, tried to take my baby out of the car seat I would have freaked out too. It's unsafe, it's illegal, it's dumb. And your husband said the dumbest thing he could have at the time.
Hugs, honey! Since when did freaking out become a crime, anyway? ;)

It is a rainy night and I am bored. I went back into old posts and found this one. Maybe you are not even on the site anymore.

Now, your baby is older. I hope that you and MIL are better.

Do you give dad time alone with the kids and his mom (without you)? Most MILs would love you for that.

So I have read all your posts and most of your responses. First I want to say to those people who say that this (carseat) situation is typical and to let it go, that is completely ridiculous. I refuse to allow people to put my child in harm's way because "that's how they did it back then, and we all turned out fine". Sure, we did. But lots DID NOT. I think that anyone who professes to have our child's best interests at heart should read up and learn and follow the most up to date medical and health information out there. Neither my mom nor my grandma would unbuckle my child in a moving car, regardless of the fact that they used to do it that way. They know better now. If you really care about your grandbabies like you say do, defer to the experts who know that carseats are important, belly sleeping is dangerous, drinking while pregnant is ridiculously stupid, etc. People are really quick to let some things go and blame it on age, but that is no excuse. I'm not saying grandparents have to read every book out there, although some do, but at least listen when moms repeat the current advise from thier pediatricians.

Now as for your MIL, J.. She sounds like a total pain in the butt. But I agree you have got to relax a little and come to terms with her, for all your sanity's sake. I thought you were completely in the right about the daycare situation. How will she find a new job if she is being relied on to babysit? Or does she expect you to pay her a living wage- which is ridiculous to expect. One baby does not equal the amount of pay it takes to pay your way when you have $50K in credit card debt alone. I also think your take on the holiday situation is right- Christmas Eve for your family, Christmas Day for thiers. Fair is fair. How they decide to spend the day on Christmas Day is up to them, but that should be all they get. I thought you were over-sensitive about the birth announcements. I was honestly thinking all your posts were going to be similar to the first two, and was expecting to think you were being completely unreasonable, but for the most part I do agree with you. Several people in my family sent out a family-gram email. Everyone I know does that. The real announcement with a picture and effort put into it comes from mom, and is the one they save. I wouldn't have gotten around to the email for days and my family would have wanted to know everything before then. It sounds like she just grates on your nerves, which is fine, lots of people grate on mine and it starts to get to the point where every little thing they do bugs me, even if it isn't that bad. You are just unfortunate that she is your MIL and you are stuck with her.

So I think you need to make a real effort to let the little stuff go. That way when it is important you can put your foot down and not sound like you are being irrational. You can insist on carseat safety and equal time at the holidays, and other big things like this. Compromise and give a little on the stuff that makes no difference. Who cares if she diapers differently than you? Pick your battles so that you might have a chance at winning some of them. Take a deep breath before any situation and try to sound like the calm rational one. You could have probably handled the carseat situation better, even though you are totally in the right. I bet she manages to sound completely hurt and befuddled every time you get into it with each other, right? So that you sound crazy and mean? Don't let her do that to you. Your husband is going to get angrier and angrier, and unless you are willing to let her ruin your marriage (it sounds like this could easily happen) you need to compromise. Maybe see a counselor or read some self help books on how to deal with people that do the things she does. My mom had a problem with a coworker years ago and read a book called something like Nasty People, and it gave her some insight into how the woman got under her skin and how to deal with her better. Sorry this is so long, hope it was at least a little helpful. I know your are irritated at most of us. It is no fun to be told you aren't a hundred percent in the right. And it sucks even more to know that you are in the right but still aren't being listened to when it matters. So I hope you are able to compromise a little so that your husband doesn't automatically side with her because he thinks you are being mean and she is sitting there so nicely and being picked on. Good luck!

Tough one - as I would also have "lost it". I think we have to remember with our MIL's that times change, and we are much more particular about the safety of our little ones. My MIL put my son's diaper on backward (not easy to do mind you... AND once she watched him so we could go out for dinner - he was 3 mos old, and she put a full size chenillle blanket in his crib because he was "cold"!!!!!). I've learned to be very specific, and unfortuately not "trust" her to parent the way I would, and not let her watch the baby until he's older. My only suggestion is to try to talk to her about how different it is now as a parent (for better or worse...) and understand her INTENTIONS.... may be good but very different from your parenting. And she will tell you - my son survived, I must have done something right.... been there. Good luck!

Well, since you've been so honest with how you feel about us other moms and this community, I'll try for a little honesty myself.

You said in one of your previous postings about your MIL that you "may seem petty or childish"...and you were absolutely right. Being offended because your MIL (who is in serious financial trouble) doesn't spend money on your son is completely ridiculous. Why should that even matter? And while you had every right to be upset when she took the baby out of the carseat, screaming at her was way over the top.

There are a few other things that seemed quite silly and some that you were probably justified on. And I might have even given you the benefit of the doubt overall, until I read your "so what happened" response on this most recent issue.

Why would you completely ignore all the women that took the time to give you sound, loving advice and attack the few ladies that dared to criticize you? Perhaps that's your habit with other things in your life....ignore the good, fixate on the bad.

The truth is that you come across as being overly defensive and slightly hot-headed. I don't know you personally, so that's only a guess. But if you hope to grow as a person (and as a wife and mother), you might want to take a long hard look at yourself and your attitude before trying to deal with the other "pains" in your life.

Your response was completely justified - you reacted for your child's safety. It is hard, though, to remain calm when in the heat of the moment. I don't think she really thought about what she was doing, she probably really just wanted to help. I think things would have turned out better if you could have firmly told her to buckle your son back in without screaming at her (of course, easier said than done). I understand some MILs can be tough, and it's not always easy to deal with. But, sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep a stronger relationship with our husbands. That said, your child's safety always comes first.

Hi J., I am not going to go back and read your other posts but will just comment on this one. You are right to be upset about the seat belt issue. I'm an insurance agent and can tell you horror stories you do not want to hear. So you are right about that. When I hit my 39th bday, it was like a light going off. I thought, I'm almost 40, in only 20 short years, I will be 60...life is VERY short! So I decided I was going to get rid of my crappy husband and everything and everyone else that was making me unhappy. I still do that to this day. My suggestion to you is in your post you said you INVITED her to dinner...WTH??? Why? You don't like her or get along with her. So limit your time with her to holidays and birthdays and for those occasions, 2 hours max. Do what you need to do to have a happy life. Decide that you and your husband and son will be happy and take steps, whatever they are, to make that happen for you. Good luck!!!!